Quotes

I spend most of my time on the Internet at a message board called "The Mo-Board". As a group, we have known each other since about 2001. Here is a list of some of the things I have said that tickle me (Those of you who know me in real life may not recognize this side of my personality):

"People who talk too loud are as bad as Hitler."


"I saw a girl at school wearing a chef's had today, and this poem leapt fully-formed into my mind:

I wish I had a chef's hat.
I'd wear it everyday.
No one could disuade me
Even if they called me gay.

"There's nothing wrong with homos,"
I'd say with indignation.
If you don't believe me,
Just check with the fire station.

Poems are not my strong point
As you can plainly see.
But I'd rather write a bad poem
Than get stung by a bee."


"I sprinkle ground coffee beans on top of my hot chocolate every morning, and I spike my non-alcoholic beer with heroin."


"Tojo's a gay dog. He tried to hump my arm the other day, and my arm is a boy."


"My wife and her sister went up to Calgary to watch a horse-jumping competition. (That's horses jumping over obstacles, not people jumping over horses.)"


"You couldn't commit regicide if the King was lying drunk at your feet and you had an automatic king-slayer machine pistol."


"I hate random, arbitrary superstitions. Here, I'll make one up, and then we can all enforce it on our friends and family:
If you blow your nose with toilet paper on Valentine's Day, the leader of your country will die in a cotton candy related accident.
Spread the word! This is not superstition, it is cold hard FACT! Only a month and a half until Valentine's Day, so hurry! For the love of Stephen Harper, hurry!"


"If fat guys aren't funny, they're nothing!"


"Why does spirit-uplifting music always have to suck?"


"I had a headache, too, until I took some Extra Strength Tylenol.
Yes, Extra Strength Tylenol. Prescribed by more physicians than Advil, Aspirin, and the Pope combined. Taking your headache from a pod of blue whales to a single sperm."


"the board mom and board dad don't have to be married to each other. That's like saying the founding fathers of America were gay lovers."


This is in response to someone saying that the church indoctrinates its members from childhood to hate homosexuals:
"Okay, it's true. We admit it. The jig is up. Sunday School isn't for teaching about the scriptures and LDS doctrine. Rather, it's nothing but an antigay class every week, starting when we're 18 months old in nursery all the way until we die. Here are some examples of lesson titles:
Heavenly Father Hates Fags
Disowning Your Children: How To Properly Destroy Your Queer Child's Self-Worth
Outer Darkness: Reserved For Sons Of Perdition And Homofaggots
Masturbation Is The Gateway To Boys Sucking Cock
Verbal Abuse: The Cure To Gaymosexuality"


"I always use the bathroom in the dark, whether it be for urinating, excreting solid (or in my case, liquid) waste, or bathing. It is wrong to gaze upon nudity, especially your own nudity. Looking at your own nude body is masturbatory pornography."

Stupid Questions

You know those stupid questions asking about everyday things? You know, the ones that people think they're clever for asking even though they're stupid and cliche? I'm going to list the ones I hate the most.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
(Mineral Oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Acetate, Fragrance.)

Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
(What the heck is a parkway?)

If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
(This is a pet peeve of mine that a lot of my fellow Mormons have said. People didn't evolve from chimpanzees or rhesus monkeys or any other ape that is around today.)

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
(Because it's wet, dill-hole.)

You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
(Going without pants would be indecent exposure. Since indecent exposure is against the law, it goes without saying that you have to wear pants to a restaurant.)

Can you slam a revolving door?
(No.)

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
(I can think of a few reasons. It wouldn't be indestructible at that size. It would be too heavy to fly. It would probably cost more.)

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
(If it were shorter, it wouldn't be the same word. What, do words have to look like the things they mean now?)

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
(The word "penal" has nothing to do with penises.)

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
(What sound does onomatopoeia make?)

What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
(Cheese doesn't talk.)

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
(I have never seen a pack of 8 hotdogs or a pack of 10 hotdog buns. I've only seen them in packs of 6 and 12.)

What do people in China call their good plates?
(Probably a Chinese word that means "good plates".)

Can you cry under water?
(Yeah, I'm pretty sure you can. Just because your tears mix with the water doesn't mean they aren't there.)

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
(They are two unrelated figures of speech, neither of which is meant to be taken literally.)

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
(Probably because square boxes are easier to make and handle.)

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
(Yes. Homonym: a word the same as another in sound and spelling but different in meaning.)

New Blog

My first blog evolved into a way to keep my family up to date with what's going on in my life. This wasn't the original intention of my blog, but I don't want to change it, because I prefer that blog (which I have renamed "MiKenzie, Inc.") to using Facebook to stay in touch with my parents and siblings. This blog, which has taken over the "hyperblogianism" name in honour of my long-time screen name, hyperferrianism, is going to be dedicated more to humor, pet peeves, rants, and social commentary. For those of you who know me from www.mormonboard.proboards84.com (The Mo-Board), you may see some repetition of things I have said over there, and for those who have been following my first blog from the start, I'll be moving over the posts from there that fit in more with the spirit of this blog. But don't worry, there will be original content as well.