I'm spending New Year's Eve working from 7:00 pm until 3:00 am. Woo! Party! I can't really complain, though. I got Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, which my boss had to work on his own, so it's only fair that I let him go out and get drunk tonight. It's not like I was going to get drunk, anyway. Woo! Mormonism!
So here's what I'm gonna do. I'mma make some predictions and resolutions for the coming year. I haven't planned them out ahead of time, because the world was supposed to end ten days ago, but I'll give it my best shot.
Predictions
1. After the remainder of the season is cancelled, the NHL will fire Gary Bettman, and the NHLPA will fire Donald Fehr. The two of them will then fight each other to the death with their bare hands. Bettman will win, but at the moment of victory, when it's too late to bring Fehr back to life, he will realize that he was in love with Don and weep bitter tears.
2. The Beatles will reunite for one last tour.
3. The Edmonton Oilers will win the draft lottery, leading to them picking first overall for the fourth year in a row.
4. Apple will release two new iPads, a new iPhone, and sue four of their competitors.
5. The Internet will gain sentience. Computers all over the globe will weep and scream, "I'm a monster!" in unison.
6. A 13th month will be added to the calendar. Immediately, someone will find a new prediction by Nostradamus and interpret it to mean that the world will end on Megacember 13, 2013 (13/13/13).
7. No babies will be born all year. Anywhere. None.
Resolutions
1. Blog at least twice a month.
2. Gain 50 pounds.
3. Play more video games.
4. Take up smoking.
5. Nap for two hours every shift at work.
6. Enslave an arbitrary group of people.
7. Force myself to become left-handed.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Annoying Christmas Songs
Those who know me well know that I love Christmas. I always have, and I always will. Even as a teenager who loved sleeping until noon or later, I would wake up at 6:00 Christmas morning. These days, I wake my kids up on Christmas, which is sweet vengeance for every other day of the year. I love Christmas, and I love Christmas songs.
But not all Christmas songs.
The songs I love the most are the classics. The religious carols, like "The First Noel" and "Angels We Have Heard On High." I also like the secular classics. Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas." The Osmonds singing "I'll Be Home For Christmas."
The following Christmas songs can lick Santa's butt:
Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
One of the Beatles made this horrendous abomination of a song. One of the good Beatles! The synthesizer is annoying, and the jolly up-and-down beat of the chorus sounds ridiculous. This is the same man who was one of the driving forces behind such albums as Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band?
Last Christmas - Wham!
A lot of "musicians" have covered this song, but Wham! is to blame for it's popularity. I'm pretty sure their version is the original, but I'm too lazy to research it. Despite its age (1984), I first heard this song in the Philippines in 1999. There are some great Filipino bands, but the country also excels at annoying, derivative pop music written in simplistic English. When I first heard this song, I said, "Man, I hate Filipino pop music! It's bad enough that I'm sweating in December, they have to further ruin Christmas with this awful tripe!" Then I was told that it was George Michaels singing. "Well, he sucks, too." Two things bother me about this song. First, it's aggressively repetitive. I had the chorus memorized before the song was half over. Second, despite the title, it's not a Christmas song. It's a song about heartbreak that just coincidentally happened during the holidays.
Christmas Shoes - New Song
Patton Oswalt explains what's wrong with this song better than I ever could, so just listen to what he has to say about it:
Grown-up Christmas List - Amy Grant
This song was originally composed by David Foster and performed by Natalie Cole (I wouldn't research last Christmas, but I'd research this one for some reason), but the Amy Grant version is the one I've heard most on the radio. Others have covered it, but every version equally sucks. Musically, the song is best summed up by the word "bland." Seriously, the song is so boring it makes me angry. Lyrically, the song is so naive and aggressively sugary that I go into a diabetic coma listening to it. I'm not even a diabetic (yet)! If you're not familiar with the song, and you don't want to punish yourself by listening to it, let me sum up what it's saying: "Hi, Santa, I used to ask you for presents when I was a kid, but now I'm a grown-up (no, not an adult), and I'm so selfless that I want every problem (which I will over-simplify) in the world to go away. All of them!" I hate this Christmas song more than any other Christmas song.
Honourable Mention:
"Santa Baby" All versions, but especially the one by Madonna. I hate Betty Boop-style sexualized cutesy-pieness.
"Christmas On The Radio" I don't know who sings it, but it's a song about other Christmas songs. The second verse is literally just the singer listing off famous Christmas songs.
But not all Christmas songs.
The songs I love the most are the classics. The religious carols, like "The First Noel" and "Angels We Have Heard On High." I also like the secular classics. Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas." The Osmonds singing "I'll Be Home For Christmas."
The following Christmas songs can lick Santa's butt:
Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
One of the Beatles made this horrendous abomination of a song. One of the good Beatles! The synthesizer is annoying, and the jolly up-and-down beat of the chorus sounds ridiculous. This is the same man who was one of the driving forces behind such albums as Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band?
Last Christmas - Wham!
A lot of "musicians" have covered this song, but Wham! is to blame for it's popularity. I'm pretty sure their version is the original, but I'm too lazy to research it. Despite its age (1984), I first heard this song in the Philippines in 1999. There are some great Filipino bands, but the country also excels at annoying, derivative pop music written in simplistic English. When I first heard this song, I said, "Man, I hate Filipino pop music! It's bad enough that I'm sweating in December, they have to further ruin Christmas with this awful tripe!" Then I was told that it was George Michaels singing. "Well, he sucks, too." Two things bother me about this song. First, it's aggressively repetitive. I had the chorus memorized before the song was half over. Second, despite the title, it's not a Christmas song. It's a song about heartbreak that just coincidentally happened during the holidays.
Christmas Shoes - New Song
Patton Oswalt explains what's wrong with this song better than I ever could, so just listen to what he has to say about it:
Grown-up Christmas List - Amy Grant
This song was originally composed by David Foster and performed by Natalie Cole (I wouldn't research last Christmas, but I'd research this one for some reason), but the Amy Grant version is the one I've heard most on the radio. Others have covered it, but every version equally sucks. Musically, the song is best summed up by the word "bland." Seriously, the song is so boring it makes me angry. Lyrically, the song is so naive and aggressively sugary that I go into a diabetic coma listening to it. I'm not even a diabetic (yet)! If you're not familiar with the song, and you don't want to punish yourself by listening to it, let me sum up what it's saying: "Hi, Santa, I used to ask you for presents when I was a kid, but now I'm a grown-up (no, not an adult), and I'm so selfless that I want every problem (which I will over-simplify) in the world to go away. All of them!" I hate this Christmas song more than any other Christmas song.
Honourable Mention:
"Santa Baby" All versions, but especially the one by Madonna. I hate Betty Boop-style sexualized cutesy-pieness.
"Christmas On The Radio" I don't know who sings it, but it's a song about other Christmas songs. The second verse is literally just the singer listing off famous Christmas songs.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Zac, This Is For You
My friend Zac (@ZacErickson on Twitter) demanded that I provide a song list for every Mike Mix ever, so I compiled this. It isn't every Mike Mix ever, but it goes back to 2000. There wasn't a Mike Mix '99 (I was on my mission), and Mike Mix '95-'98 were on cassette tapes that have long since been lost. So here you go, Zac.
Mike Mix 2011 (the one that really starts to embrace indie music)
"Midnight City" by M83
"I'm a Robot" by Weezer
"Shop Vac" by Jonathon Coulton
"The Devil & The Dove" by Sarah Slean
"Shallow's Low" by Matthew Good
"Know Your Quarry" by Biffy Clyro
"Rows of Houses" by Dan Mangan
"Amen" by Sarah Slean
"Hang On" by Weezer
"Never Listen To Me" by The Thermals
"Kissing Families" by Silversun Pickups
"I Am Disappeared" by Frank Turner
"Follow Me Down" by Ladies of the Canyon
"Rusted Wheel" by Silversun Pickups
"Lazy" by Freezepop
"A Darkness Rises Up" by Broken Records
"The Sprawl II" by Arcade Fire
Mike Mix 2010 (the one from the year I was crazy)
"Can't Stop Partying" by Weezer
"Hysteria" by Muse
"Wasteland" by Inward Eye
"Gimme Sympathy" be Metric
"Laces Out" by USS
"Turn Your Back" by Billy Talent
"Monkey Brains" by Our Lady Peace
"Peacemaker" by Green Day
"Tesselate" by Tokyo Police Club
"Uprising" by Muse
"Substitution" by Silversun Pickups
"Soldier On" by The Temper Trap
"In One Ear" by Cage the Elephant (this song sucks)
"The Funeral" by Band of Horses
"Hollow Point Sniper Hyperbole" by USS
"Empty's Theme Park" by Matthew Good
Mike Mix 2009 (the one influenced heavily by Rock Band 2)
"Less Talk More Rokk" by Freezepop
"Spaceman" by The Killers
"Big Bad Man" by Secret Broadcast
"Can't Stop Partying" by Rivers Cuomo
"Kids" by MGMT
"Skullcrusher Mountain" by Jonathan Coulton
"The River" by David Usher
"Jagged Gorgeous Winter" by The Main Drag
"Still Alive" by GLaDOS and Jonathan Coulton
"Soft Rock Star" by Metric
"That's What You Get" by Paramore
"Half-Truism" by The Offspring
"Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups
"Killer Bees" by The Stills
"Born Losers" (live) by Matthew Good
"Reptilia" by The Strokes
"ID Engager" by Of Montreal
Mike Mix 2008 (the first one I made after turning 30, and it shows)
"Timebomb" by Beck
"Snakes and Ladders" by Basia Bulat
"Four Winds" by Bright Eyes
"Viva la Vida" by Coldplay
"Long Road" by Cuff the Duke
"Soul Meets Body" by Death Cab for Cutie
"Past in Present" by Fiest
"One Last Time" by The Kooks
"99% of Us Is Failure" by Matthew Good
"Dead Disco" by Metric
"Starlight" by Muse
"Northern Downpour" by Panic at the Disco
"Superfriend" by Rivers Cuomo
"Tripoli" (Acoustic) by Matthew Good
"Way Back When" by Buck 65
something by Controller Controller
"Reckoner" by Radiohead
"Greatest Man That Ever Lived" by Weezer
Mike Mix 2007 (the last one heavily influenced by Noah)
"Leap Year" by Maria Taylor
"Where There's Gold" by Dashboard Confessional
"Suburban Knights" by Hard-Fi
"Encircle" by Tegan & Sara
"Funnyman" by KT Tunstall
"The Beginning" by The Reason
"Combinations" by Eisley
"Pieces" by Linkin Park
"Dr. Blind" by Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
"Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven
"Gold Lion" by Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs
"Speak of the Devil" by Sum 41
"Sex Love and Honey" by Raine Maida
"Hard Line" by Jill Barber
"Love's Not a Competition, but I'm Winning" by Kaiser Chiefs
"Indestructible Sam" by Buck 65
"Mushaboom" by Fiest
"Shadows and Regrets" by Yellowcard
"Spittin' Venom" by Modest Mouse
"Machines" by Biffy Clyro
Mike Mix 2006 ("they only rhyme once every 10 years!")
"Make You Feel Better" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Untreatable Disease" by Sparta
"Plus Rien" by Les Cowboys Fringant
"Surrender" by Billy Talent
"The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage" by Panic! At the Disco
"Poster of a Girl" by Metric
"How I Go" by Yellowcard
"Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken" by Camera Obscura
"Reasons Unknown" by The Killers
"Intermission" by Panic! At the Disco
"You and I Misbehaving" by Tilly and the Wall
"Charlie's Wakening" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Ootischenia" by The Be Good Tanyas
"Ms. Murder" by AFI
"Quand Je M'regarde" by Les Cowboys Fringant
"See Right Through Me" by Mobile
"The Adventure" by Angels & Airwaves
"Heaven Help Us" by My Chemical Romance
"Lithium" by Evanescance
Mike Mix 2005 (ten-year anniversary)
"Perfect Situation" by Weezer
"Some Say" by Sum 41
"Holiday" by Green Day
"Move Along" by All American Rejects
"Can't Repeat" by The Offspring
"This is Here, This is Now" by 54-40
"Gepetto" by Optigonally yours
"In Perfect Time" by Jill Barber
"Blood of a Young Wolf" by Buck 65
"Greetings in Braille" by The Elected
"Float On" by Modest Mouse
"Good-bye West Coast" by Matt Sharp
"California" by Sarah Slean
"Be Yourself" by Audioslave
"Apology" by Our Lady Peace
"I Won't Be Left" by Tegan & Sara
"Happy Home" by Garbage
"Farewell to Nova Scotia" by The Bucaneers
Mike Mix 2004 Vol. II (the one I made just before I got married)
"Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand
"Loosen Your Hold" by South
"Spare Me the Details" by The Offspring
"Empty Road" by Matthew Good
"Romantic Comedy" by Stars
"Smile Like You Mean It" by The Killers
"Stockholm Syndrome" by Muse
"Jet Streams" by Sparta
"Misfit" by Elefant
"Gus, The Bear From Central Park" by The Tragically Hip
"Konstantine" by Something Corporate
"Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service
"This Celluloid Dream" by AFI
"Love and Death" by The Stills
"Run" by Snow Patrol
"All Of This" by Blink 182 ft. Robert Smith
"The Rat" by The Walkmen
Mike Mix 2004 Vol. I (the one that starts with hip hop)
"Hey Ya" by Outkast
"This Is How It Goes" by Billy Talent
"Feelin' It" by Blink 182
"Only One" by Yellowcard
"My Immortal" by Evanescence
"Behind Blue Eyes" by Limp Bizkit
"Lost Cause" by Beck
"Stolen Car" by Ox
"Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional
"Big Black Boots" by Jet
"Fortune Faded" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"12:51" by The Strokes
"Wicked and Weird" by Buck 65
"Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan
"Hollow Head" by Sloan
"Swing, Swing" by All American Rejects
"Conversations" by Finger Eleven
"In Love" by Fear of Pop (aka William Shatner and Ben Folds)
Mike Mix 2003 Vol. II (the one I made in social limbo)
"Headstrong" by Trapt
"Get Over It" OK Go
"Roads Ahead" by John Ford
"New Fantastica" by Matthew Good
"The Leaving Song" by AFI
"Pill Form" by Gordon Downie
"Pill Form" (alternate version) by Gordon Downie
"Solved" by Unbelievable Truth
"Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes
"Where I End and You Begin" by Radiohead
"Like a Stone" by Audioslave
"Storm" by The Cardigans
"Ophelia" by Natalie Merchant
"Bob" by Weird Al Yankovic
"Bandages" by Hot Hot Heat
"Happy Now" by Michelle Branch
"Black City" by Division of Laura Lee
"Like the Sun" by I Mother Earth
Mike Mix 2003 Vol. I (the one that drags for three songs in a row in the middle)
"Bootleggin'" by Wide Mouth Mason
"Mass Romantic" by The New Pornographers
"Jonathan Fisk" by Spoon
"Homesick" by The Vines
"Brick" by Ben Folds Five
"In My Place" by Coldplay
"Save Your City" by Radio 4
"Why Don't You and I" by Santana
"Here With Me" by Michelle Branch
"Electrical Storm" U2
"Closing Time" by Semisonic
"Weopon" by Matthew Good
"Lonestar" by Emm Gryner
"The Last DJ" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
"Oh!" by Sleater-Kinney
"Velouria" by The Pixies
"Alan is a Cowboy Killer" by McLusky
"Downward Dance" by Treble Charger
Mike Mix 2002 Vol. II (the first one to abide by any rules)
"Take Control" by Weezer
"Hate To Say I Told You So" by The Hives
"Don't Panic" by Coldplay
"Fred Jones pt. 2" by Ben Folds
"Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace
"Do You Get High?" by Holly McNarland
"Someday" by The Strokes
"Chop Suey!" by System of a Down
"Can't Stop" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Truth Doesn't Make a Noise" by The White Stripes
"Life of a Working Girl" by Sloan
"Tripoli" by Matthew Good Band
"Blinded" by David Usher
"One True Love" by Semisonic
"True Love Waits" by Radiohead
"Dire Wolf" by The Tragically Hip
"Rot-Gut Blues" by John Ford
Mike Mix 2002 Vol. I (the one I made after discovering Muse)
"Advertising On Police Cars" by Matthew Good Band
"Feed the Tree" by Belly
"The One" by Foo Fighters
"Bliss" by Muse
"As Long As You're Mine" by Matthew Good Band
"Eternal Ecstacy" by The Odds
"Muscle Museum" by Muse
"Burndt Jamb" (demo) by Weezer
"Flash Dance pt. 2" by Matthew Good Band
"Mr. Writer" by Stereophonics
"American Gigalo" (demo) by Weezer
"New Born" by Muse
"Idioteque" by Radiohead
"Trouble" by Cold Play
"Brian Wilson" (live) by Barenaked Ladies
Mike Mix 2001 Vol. II (the one I'm most ashamed of)
"Ladylike" by Big Wreck
"Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm
"Stuart" by The Dead Milkmen
"Superman" by Five For Fighting
"Zurich is Stained" by Pavement
"How You Remind Me" by Nickelback
"Dig Up Her Bones" by The Misfits
"Black Black Heart" by David Usher
"Friends of P." by The Rentals
"Thief, You've Taken All That Is Me" by Weezer
"Everywhere" by Michelle Branch
"Song 2" by Blur
"Bizarre Love Triangle" by New Order
"Creep" by Radiohead
"Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
"This Mess We're In" by PJ Harvey and Thom York
"Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe
"Trouble" by Coldplay
"Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies
"Mykel and Carli" by Weezer
Mike Mix 2001 Vol. I (the one that reminds me of my ex)
"Head Over Heels" by Blue Rodeo
"Underground" by Moist
"Yellow" by Coldplay
"Hanging By a Moment" by Lifehouse
"Brown-eyed Girl" by Legwagon
"Video Killed the Radio Star" by Presidents of the United States of America
"Hasn't Hit Me Yet" by Blue Rodeo
"Just" by Radiohead
"Friends of P." by The Rentals
"Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe
"Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
"Cosmic Castaway" by Electrasy
"I Just Threw Out the Love of My Dreams" by Weezer ft. Rachel Haden
"The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem (really, Mike?)
"Hemorrhage" by Fuel
"Just" by Radiohead (again, for some reason)
"Loser" by Three Doors Down
"Yer So Bad" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
"Buddy Holly" by Weezer
Mike Mix 2000 Vol. II (the one in which I have a hard time finding good new music after my mission)
"Public Service #2" by Parokya ni Edgar
"Southside" by Moby
"In Repair" by Our Lady Peace
"Falling For You" by Weezer
"Blue Monday" by Orgy
"Waiting For the Bus" by Eraserheads
"National Anthem" by Radiohead
"Thief" by Our Lady Peace
"Bobcaygeon" by The Tragically Hip
"Please Don't Touch My Birdie" by Parokya ni Edgar
"Stand By Me, Yeah," by Sloan
"My Music at Work" by The Tragically Hip
"Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang
"Hello Time Bomb" by Matthew Good Band
"The World Has Turned and Left Me Here" by Weezer
"Nautical Disaster" by The Tragically Hip
"Springtime in Vienna" by The Tragically Hip
"Kryptonite" by Three Doors Down
Mike Mix 2000 Vol. I (the one I made within two weeks of coming home from the Philippines)
"Time to Relax" by The Offspring
"Scar Tissue" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Say It Ain't So" by Weezer
"Public Service #1" by Parokya ni Edgar
"I Want You Bad" by The Offspring
"Alive" by Edwin
"Good Life" by Weezer
"Basang Basa sa Ulan" by Aegis
"Kaka" by Yano
"Flamenco" by The Tragically Hip
"She Says It's Alright" by The Rentals
"Buttsins" by Parokya ni Edgar
"Paint It Black" by The Tea Party
"Fireworks" by The Tragically Hip
"Heaven Coming Down" by The Tea Party
"San Juanico Bridge" by Joseph Uy
"Hindi Mo Ba Alam?" by Siakol
"Tiger the Lion" by The Tragically Hip
"American Girls" by Homie
"Atras-Abante" by Parokya ni Edgar
Mike Mix 2011 (the one that really starts to embrace indie music)
"Midnight City" by M83
"I'm a Robot" by Weezer
"Shop Vac" by Jonathon Coulton
"The Devil & The Dove" by Sarah Slean
"Shallow's Low" by Matthew Good
"Know Your Quarry" by Biffy Clyro
"Rows of Houses" by Dan Mangan
"Amen" by Sarah Slean
"Hang On" by Weezer
"Never Listen To Me" by The Thermals
"Kissing Families" by Silversun Pickups
"I Am Disappeared" by Frank Turner
"Follow Me Down" by Ladies of the Canyon
"Rusted Wheel" by Silversun Pickups
"Lazy" by Freezepop
"A Darkness Rises Up" by Broken Records
"The Sprawl II" by Arcade Fire
Mike Mix 2010 (the one from the year I was crazy)
"Can't Stop Partying" by Weezer
"Hysteria" by Muse
"Wasteland" by Inward Eye
"Gimme Sympathy" be Metric
"Laces Out" by USS
"Turn Your Back" by Billy Talent
"Monkey Brains" by Our Lady Peace
"Peacemaker" by Green Day
"Tesselate" by Tokyo Police Club
"Uprising" by Muse
"Substitution" by Silversun Pickups
"Soldier On" by The Temper Trap
"In One Ear" by Cage the Elephant (this song sucks)
"The Funeral" by Band of Horses
"Hollow Point Sniper Hyperbole" by USS
"Empty's Theme Park" by Matthew Good
Mike Mix 2009 (the one influenced heavily by Rock Band 2)
"Less Talk More Rokk" by Freezepop
"Spaceman" by The Killers
"Big Bad Man" by Secret Broadcast
"Can't Stop Partying" by Rivers Cuomo
"Kids" by MGMT
"Skullcrusher Mountain" by Jonathan Coulton
"The River" by David Usher
"Jagged Gorgeous Winter" by The Main Drag
"Still Alive" by GLaDOS and Jonathan Coulton
"Soft Rock Star" by Metric
"That's What You Get" by Paramore
"Half-Truism" by The Offspring
"Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups
"Killer Bees" by The Stills
"Born Losers" (live) by Matthew Good
"Reptilia" by The Strokes
"ID Engager" by Of Montreal
Mike Mix 2008 (the first one I made after turning 30, and it shows)
"Timebomb" by Beck
"Snakes and Ladders" by Basia Bulat
"Four Winds" by Bright Eyes
"Viva la Vida" by Coldplay
"Long Road" by Cuff the Duke
"Soul Meets Body" by Death Cab for Cutie
"Past in Present" by Fiest
"One Last Time" by The Kooks
"99% of Us Is Failure" by Matthew Good
"Dead Disco" by Metric
"Starlight" by Muse
"Northern Downpour" by Panic at the Disco
"Superfriend" by Rivers Cuomo
"Tripoli" (Acoustic) by Matthew Good
"Way Back When" by Buck 65
something by Controller Controller
"Reckoner" by Radiohead
"Greatest Man That Ever Lived" by Weezer
Mike Mix 2007 (the last one heavily influenced by Noah)
"Leap Year" by Maria Taylor
"Where There's Gold" by Dashboard Confessional
"Suburban Knights" by Hard-Fi
"Encircle" by Tegan & Sara
"Funnyman" by KT Tunstall
"The Beginning" by The Reason
"Combinations" by Eisley
"Pieces" by Linkin Park
"Dr. Blind" by Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
"Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven
"Gold Lion" by Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs
"Speak of the Devil" by Sum 41
"Sex Love and Honey" by Raine Maida
"Hard Line" by Jill Barber
"Love's Not a Competition, but I'm Winning" by Kaiser Chiefs
"Indestructible Sam" by Buck 65
"Mushaboom" by Fiest
"Shadows and Regrets" by Yellowcard
"Spittin' Venom" by Modest Mouse
"Machines" by Biffy Clyro
Mike Mix 2006 ("they only rhyme once every 10 years!")
"Make You Feel Better" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Untreatable Disease" by Sparta
"Plus Rien" by Les Cowboys Fringant
"Surrender" by Billy Talent
"The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage" by Panic! At the Disco
"Poster of a Girl" by Metric
"How I Go" by Yellowcard
"Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken" by Camera Obscura
"Reasons Unknown" by The Killers
"Intermission" by Panic! At the Disco
"You and I Misbehaving" by Tilly and the Wall
"Charlie's Wakening" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Ootischenia" by The Be Good Tanyas
"Ms. Murder" by AFI
"Quand Je M'regarde" by Les Cowboys Fringant
"See Right Through Me" by Mobile
"The Adventure" by Angels & Airwaves
"Heaven Help Us" by My Chemical Romance
"Lithium" by Evanescance
Mike Mix 2005 (ten-year anniversary)
"Perfect Situation" by Weezer
"Some Say" by Sum 41
"Holiday" by Green Day
"Move Along" by All American Rejects
"Can't Repeat" by The Offspring
"This is Here, This is Now" by 54-40
"Gepetto" by Optigonally yours
"In Perfect Time" by Jill Barber
"Blood of a Young Wolf" by Buck 65
"Greetings in Braille" by The Elected
"Float On" by Modest Mouse
"Good-bye West Coast" by Matt Sharp
"California" by Sarah Slean
"Be Yourself" by Audioslave
"Apology" by Our Lady Peace
"I Won't Be Left" by Tegan & Sara
"Happy Home" by Garbage
"Farewell to Nova Scotia" by The Bucaneers
Mike Mix 2004 Vol. II (the one I made just before I got married)
"Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand
"Loosen Your Hold" by South
"Spare Me the Details" by The Offspring
"Empty Road" by Matthew Good
"Romantic Comedy" by Stars
"Smile Like You Mean It" by The Killers
"Stockholm Syndrome" by Muse
"Jet Streams" by Sparta
"Misfit" by Elefant
"Gus, The Bear From Central Park" by The Tragically Hip
"Konstantine" by Something Corporate
"Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service
"This Celluloid Dream" by AFI
"Love and Death" by The Stills
"Run" by Snow Patrol
"All Of This" by Blink 182 ft. Robert Smith
"The Rat" by The Walkmen
Mike Mix 2004 Vol. I (the one that starts with hip hop)
"Hey Ya" by Outkast
"This Is How It Goes" by Billy Talent
"Feelin' It" by Blink 182
"Only One" by Yellowcard
"My Immortal" by Evanescence
"Behind Blue Eyes" by Limp Bizkit
"Lost Cause" by Beck
"Stolen Car" by Ox
"Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional
"Big Black Boots" by Jet
"Fortune Faded" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"12:51" by The Strokes
"Wicked and Weird" by Buck 65
"Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan
"Hollow Head" by Sloan
"Swing, Swing" by All American Rejects
"Conversations" by Finger Eleven
"In Love" by Fear of Pop (aka William Shatner and Ben Folds)
Mike Mix 2003 Vol. II (the one I made in social limbo)
"Headstrong" by Trapt
"Get Over It" OK Go
"Roads Ahead" by John Ford
"New Fantastica" by Matthew Good
"The Leaving Song" by AFI
"Pill Form" by Gordon Downie
"Pill Form" (alternate version) by Gordon Downie
"Solved" by Unbelievable Truth
"Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes
"Where I End and You Begin" by Radiohead
"Like a Stone" by Audioslave
"Storm" by The Cardigans
"Ophelia" by Natalie Merchant
"Bob" by Weird Al Yankovic
"Bandages" by Hot Hot Heat
"Happy Now" by Michelle Branch
"Black City" by Division of Laura Lee
"Like the Sun" by I Mother Earth
Mike Mix 2003 Vol. I (the one that drags for three songs in a row in the middle)
"Bootleggin'" by Wide Mouth Mason
"Mass Romantic" by The New Pornographers
"Jonathan Fisk" by Spoon
"Homesick" by The Vines
"Brick" by Ben Folds Five
"In My Place" by Coldplay
"Save Your City" by Radio 4
"Why Don't You and I" by Santana
"Here With Me" by Michelle Branch
"Electrical Storm" U2
"Closing Time" by Semisonic
"Weopon" by Matthew Good
"Lonestar" by Emm Gryner
"The Last DJ" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
"Oh!" by Sleater-Kinney
"Velouria" by The Pixies
"Alan is a Cowboy Killer" by McLusky
"Downward Dance" by Treble Charger
Mike Mix 2002 Vol. II (the first one to abide by any rules)
"Take Control" by Weezer
"Hate To Say I Told You So" by The Hives
"Don't Panic" by Coldplay
"Fred Jones pt. 2" by Ben Folds
"Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace
"Do You Get High?" by Holly McNarland
"Someday" by The Strokes
"Chop Suey!" by System of a Down
"Can't Stop" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Truth Doesn't Make a Noise" by The White Stripes
"Life of a Working Girl" by Sloan
"Tripoli" by Matthew Good Band
"Blinded" by David Usher
"One True Love" by Semisonic
"True Love Waits" by Radiohead
"Dire Wolf" by The Tragically Hip
"Rot-Gut Blues" by John Ford
Mike Mix 2002 Vol. I (the one I made after discovering Muse)
"Advertising On Police Cars" by Matthew Good Band
"Feed the Tree" by Belly
"The One" by Foo Fighters
"Bliss" by Muse
"As Long As You're Mine" by Matthew Good Band
"Eternal Ecstacy" by The Odds
"Muscle Museum" by Muse
"Burndt Jamb" (demo) by Weezer
"Flash Dance pt. 2" by Matthew Good Band
"Mr. Writer" by Stereophonics
"American Gigalo" (demo) by Weezer
"New Born" by Muse
"Idioteque" by Radiohead
"Trouble" by Cold Play
"Brian Wilson" (live) by Barenaked Ladies
Mike Mix 2001 Vol. II (the one I'm most ashamed of)
"Ladylike" by Big Wreck
"Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm
"Stuart" by The Dead Milkmen
"Superman" by Five For Fighting
"Zurich is Stained" by Pavement
"How You Remind Me" by Nickelback
"Dig Up Her Bones" by The Misfits
"Black Black Heart" by David Usher
"Friends of P." by The Rentals
"Thief, You've Taken All That Is Me" by Weezer
"Everywhere" by Michelle Branch
"Song 2" by Blur
"Bizarre Love Triangle" by New Order
"Creep" by Radiohead
"Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
"This Mess We're In" by PJ Harvey and Thom York
"Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe
"Trouble" by Coldplay
"Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies
"Mykel and Carli" by Weezer
Mike Mix 2001 Vol. I (the one that reminds me of my ex)
"Head Over Heels" by Blue Rodeo
"Underground" by Moist
"Yellow" by Coldplay
"Hanging By a Moment" by Lifehouse
"Brown-eyed Girl" by Legwagon
"Video Killed the Radio Star" by Presidents of the United States of America
"Hasn't Hit Me Yet" by Blue Rodeo
"Just" by Radiohead
"Friends of P." by The Rentals
"Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe
"Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
"Cosmic Castaway" by Electrasy
"I Just Threw Out the Love of My Dreams" by Weezer ft. Rachel Haden
"The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem (really, Mike?)
"Hemorrhage" by Fuel
"Just" by Radiohead (again, for some reason)
"Loser" by Three Doors Down
"Yer So Bad" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
"Buddy Holly" by Weezer
Mike Mix 2000 Vol. II (the one in which I have a hard time finding good new music after my mission)
"Public Service #2" by Parokya ni Edgar
"Southside" by Moby
"In Repair" by Our Lady Peace
"Falling For You" by Weezer
"Blue Monday" by Orgy
"Waiting For the Bus" by Eraserheads
"National Anthem" by Radiohead
"Thief" by Our Lady Peace
"Bobcaygeon" by The Tragically Hip
"Please Don't Touch My Birdie" by Parokya ni Edgar
"Stand By Me, Yeah," by Sloan
"My Music at Work" by The Tragically Hip
"Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang
"Hello Time Bomb" by Matthew Good Band
"The World Has Turned and Left Me Here" by Weezer
"Nautical Disaster" by The Tragically Hip
"Springtime in Vienna" by The Tragically Hip
"Kryptonite" by Three Doors Down
Mike Mix 2000 Vol. I (the one I made within two weeks of coming home from the Philippines)
"Time to Relax" by The Offspring
"Scar Tissue" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Say It Ain't So" by Weezer
"Public Service #1" by Parokya ni Edgar
"I Want You Bad" by The Offspring
"Alive" by Edwin
"Good Life" by Weezer
"Basang Basa sa Ulan" by Aegis
"Kaka" by Yano
"Flamenco" by The Tragically Hip
"She Says It's Alright" by The Rentals
"Buttsins" by Parokya ni Edgar
"Paint It Black" by The Tea Party
"Fireworks" by The Tragically Hip
"Heaven Coming Down" by The Tea Party
"San Juanico Bridge" by Joseph Uy
"Hindi Mo Ba Alam?" by Siakol
"Tiger the Lion" by The Tragically Hip
"American Girls" by Homie
"Atras-Abante" by Parokya ni Edgar
Friday, November 9, 2012
Mike Mix 2012
There are less than two months left in 2012, so I figured I'd get to work at compiling Mike Mix 2012. Last year, I waited until literally the last week of the year to put together Mike Mix 2011, and I didn't want to scramble again this year. I sat down last week to see what music I had acquired since MM11, and was a little surprised to see that the only new music I had purchased was Metric's new album, a song from My Little Pony, and Nightwish's new album (that one was actually acquired by Avril, but I like it, too). There were some other songs that I had discovered, but hadn't purchased yet. So I asked my Facebook friends for suggestions, and sat down with iTunes to buy the songs I liked but didn't own. I only ended up using two of my friends' suggestions, but all of them were seriously considered. Even the dubstep. So let's run it down, shall we? As always, I link to videos in the title of each entry.
1. "Do It Anyway" by Ben Folds Five
I've been familiar with Ben Folds Five since they released the hit single about abortion, "Brick", in the '90s. After they broke up, I became a fan of Ben Folds's solo career. The Sound of the Life of the Mind is the first Ben Folds Five album in 13 years. The video for the song features Fraggles, so for anyone with '80s Jim Henson nostalgia, it's worth watching. I was torn between this song and "Draw a Crowd", but ended up going with "Do It Anyway" for the sake of my wife and kids. "Draw a Crowd" features a line in the chorus that goes "If you can't draw a crowd, then just draw dicks on a wall." While hilarious, I don't think Avril would have appreciated me playing it while the kids are in the car.
2. "Speed the Collapse" by Metric
Metric is no stranger to Mike Mix and perriferal MiKenzie Inc. productions, such as Chick Mix. They released a new album this year, and it's the only physical CD I bought this year. It's a great album with a lot of good songs, but "Speed the Collapse" really stands out in my mind. It's much better than the first single, "Youth Without Youth."
3. "Smile, Smile, Smile" by Pinkie Pie (aka Andrea Libman)
I've been very open with the fact that I'm a brony. Even though I have distanced myself from other bronies in recent months (they're starting to take it brony culture too seriously), I'm still a fan of the show. There are often musical numbers in some episodes, and they're usually very well-done and legitimately good songs whether you like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or not. My two favourites are "Winter Wrap-Up" and this one, "Smile, Smile, Smile." They just make me happy.
4. "Serpentine" by Chris Bathgate
My buddy Brady Cahoon is indirectly responsible for introducing me to this song. He once posted a link to a song from the online music website Grooveshark, and I liked the site so much that I started visiting it often. I was listening to their indie station a few weeks ago, and this song started playing. I instantly loved it. So, thanks, Brady! I had never heard of Chris Bathgate before, but I found some stuff of his on iTunes dating back to the '90s, so I guess he's been around for a while.
5. "Transendence" by Lindsey Stirling
Noah and Heidi introduced me to this LDS musician who mixes the violin with electronic music. If memory serves correctly, this is the first instrumental music ever to appear on a Mike Mix. I usually like music on these compilations that I can at least try to sing along to, so that goes to show you how much of an impression she had on me. I wrote about her in my last blog post, so I won't gush too much more about her here.
6. "Away" by Die Mannequin
A few weeks ago, I posted a link to this band with the question "Am I too old to like this band?" I asked that question, because Die Mannequin reminds me of alternative rock music that I listened to as a teenager. They kind of stand out on this mix, because there isn't anything else that I'd classify as straight-up alt rock.
7. "Fineshrine" by Purity Ring
Avril discovered this song. She heard it on the radio, and figured that I'd like it, and she was right. Out of all the videos I'm linking to here, it's by far the strangest, but I like it. iTunes lists its genre as "electronica." I suppose that's true, but it's not what comes to mind when I think of typical electronica.
8. "Little Talks" by Of Monsters And Men
Okay, so this video is pretty weird, too. CBC Radio 1 introduced me to this song. On Sunday nights, the show "Night Stream" plays what they call "adult alternative music." I'm probably right smack-dab in the middle of their target demographic, so I appreciate the rare opportunity for good music on the radio in Lethbridge. It was listening to this show that I first heard "Little Talks." It's basically the epitome of my current taste in music.
9. "Wait So Long" by Trampled By Turtles
I hadn't even heard of this band before yesterday, but holy cow, I love this song! It's one of the two that I chose from my Facebook friends' suggestions. My 14th mission companion (second in Calbayog), David Prince, suggested it to me. Thanks, Prince! Our political views may clash, but there is significant overlap in our musical views.
10. "I'm Not Talking" by AC Newman
A.C. Newman is also known as Carl Newman of the New Pornographers, which have made an appearance on a previous Mike Mix. I think it was in 2003. Anyway, like Of Monsters And Men, AC Newman is another typical indicator of where my ageing musical tastes lie. This was another radio find, but this time from CKUA's "Notes From Home" show, which is devoted to new Canadian indie music. They love AC Newman on that show.
11. "I Will Wait" by Mumford & Sons
Mumford & Sons almost made it onto Mike Mix 2011 for a different song, but was left off because of it's repeated use of the dreaded F-word. Maybe I'll add it to @#$% Mix. (Yes, I actually made a mix devoted to swear-filled songs.) "I Will Wait" is much cleaner, so it made the cut this year. I'm just a sucker for the banjo (see "Wait So Long").
12. "Atlas Hands" by Benjamin Francis Leftwich
This one was another song I was introduced on the radio to during a late-night drive home from work. I forget if it was "Notes From Home" or "Night Stream" that I heard it on. Oh, hey, I just looked Benjamin Francis Leftwich up on wikipedia, and it turns out he's from England, so that rules out "Notes From Home." Thanks again, Internet. What would I do without out you? Seriously, what would I do without the Internet? I'd have to listen to pop, country music, or classic rock.
13. "Madness" by Muse
This is, what, the third British band on MM12 now? Muse is another regular contributor to MiKenzie Inc.'s musical compilations. I usually go with their heavier songs, but this one is different. It starts kind of slow, with an electronic beat that kind of reminds me of dubstep, but a lot more subtle. It builds to a powerful, emotional climax. I'm as big a sucker for crescendos as I am for banjos.
14. "Holocene" by Bon Iver
I wrote about this song in last year's "Indie Rock Quest" just before I compiled Mike Mix 2011, but it didn't make it onto MM11. I love the song, though, so I'm including it this year. It's slow, melancholy, and beautiful. I come close to crying whenever I watch the video.
15. "Closer" by Tegan & Sara
My favourite Canadian lesbian identical twin sister duo. They're probably the best thing to ever come out of Calgary. I've included them several times in the past, and their latest hit is definitely worthy of Mike Mix.
16. "Games That You're Playin" by Kevin Calder
(Note: Kevin doesn't have a video for "Games", so that's a link to the video for "Everything Happens for a Reason".) This is the only musician on MM12 that I've ever hugged. I wrote about my former classmate and singing buddy back in August. "Games That You're Playin" is my favourite song from his album.
17. "Last Ride of the Day" by Nightwish
So, yeah. Metal makes its debut on Mike Mix. ("What about that time you used a Dream Theater song?" some of you aren't asking. To which I reply, "I'm told that Dream Theater is prog, not metal.) I'm pretty sure it's the first Finnish band to appear on a Mike Mix, too. It's pretty tame for metal, but this is as metal as I can get. My sister-in-law, Afton, is a fan of Nightwish, and she got Avril hooked on them, too. I don't like all of their stuff, but I do appreciate the female lead singer, and their latest album is amazing. The album is best experienced as a whole, which is rare in today's iTunes world. Avril and Afton like the former lead singer, who was more operatic, but this new lead singer is more my style.
And there you have it. Mike Mix 2012, the second Mike Mix to be available digitally only, is in the books. I heard an anecdote online recently about a guy who walked into Best Buy and said to an employee, "If I were blank CDs, where would I be?" The employee replied, "Probably in 2003." So, yeah. It's only on my iPod.
1. "Do It Anyway" by Ben Folds Five
I've been familiar with Ben Folds Five since they released the hit single about abortion, "Brick", in the '90s. After they broke up, I became a fan of Ben Folds's solo career. The Sound of the Life of the Mind is the first Ben Folds Five album in 13 years. The video for the song features Fraggles, so for anyone with '80s Jim Henson nostalgia, it's worth watching. I was torn between this song and "Draw a Crowd", but ended up going with "Do It Anyway" for the sake of my wife and kids. "Draw a Crowd" features a line in the chorus that goes "If you can't draw a crowd, then just draw dicks on a wall." While hilarious, I don't think Avril would have appreciated me playing it while the kids are in the car.
2. "Speed the Collapse" by Metric
Metric is no stranger to Mike Mix and perriferal MiKenzie Inc. productions, such as Chick Mix. They released a new album this year, and it's the only physical CD I bought this year. It's a great album with a lot of good songs, but "Speed the Collapse" really stands out in my mind. It's much better than the first single, "Youth Without Youth."
3. "Smile, Smile, Smile" by Pinkie Pie (aka Andrea Libman)
I've been very open with the fact that I'm a brony. Even though I have distanced myself from other bronies in recent months (they're starting to take it brony culture too seriously), I'm still a fan of the show. There are often musical numbers in some episodes, and they're usually very well-done and legitimately good songs whether you like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or not. My two favourites are "Winter Wrap-Up" and this one, "Smile, Smile, Smile." They just make me happy.
4. "Serpentine" by Chris Bathgate
My buddy Brady Cahoon is indirectly responsible for introducing me to this song. He once posted a link to a song from the online music website Grooveshark, and I liked the site so much that I started visiting it often. I was listening to their indie station a few weeks ago, and this song started playing. I instantly loved it. So, thanks, Brady! I had never heard of Chris Bathgate before, but I found some stuff of his on iTunes dating back to the '90s, so I guess he's been around for a while.
5. "Transendence" by Lindsey Stirling
Noah and Heidi introduced me to this LDS musician who mixes the violin with electronic music. If memory serves correctly, this is the first instrumental music ever to appear on a Mike Mix. I usually like music on these compilations that I can at least try to sing along to, so that goes to show you how much of an impression she had on me. I wrote about her in my last blog post, so I won't gush too much more about her here.
6. "Away" by Die Mannequin
A few weeks ago, I posted a link to this band with the question "Am I too old to like this band?" I asked that question, because Die Mannequin reminds me of alternative rock music that I listened to as a teenager. They kind of stand out on this mix, because there isn't anything else that I'd classify as straight-up alt rock.
7. "Fineshrine" by Purity Ring
Avril discovered this song. She heard it on the radio, and figured that I'd like it, and she was right. Out of all the videos I'm linking to here, it's by far the strangest, but I like it. iTunes lists its genre as "electronica." I suppose that's true, but it's not what comes to mind when I think of typical electronica.
8. "Little Talks" by Of Monsters And Men
Okay, so this video is pretty weird, too. CBC Radio 1 introduced me to this song. On Sunday nights, the show "Night Stream" plays what they call "adult alternative music." I'm probably right smack-dab in the middle of their target demographic, so I appreciate the rare opportunity for good music on the radio in Lethbridge. It was listening to this show that I first heard "Little Talks." It's basically the epitome of my current taste in music.
9. "Wait So Long" by Trampled By Turtles
I hadn't even heard of this band before yesterday, but holy cow, I love this song! It's one of the two that I chose from my Facebook friends' suggestions. My 14th mission companion (second in Calbayog), David Prince, suggested it to me. Thanks, Prince! Our political views may clash, but there is significant overlap in our musical views.
10. "I'm Not Talking" by AC Newman
A.C. Newman is also known as Carl Newman of the New Pornographers, which have made an appearance on a previous Mike Mix. I think it was in 2003. Anyway, like Of Monsters And Men, AC Newman is another typical indicator of where my ageing musical tastes lie. This was another radio find, but this time from CKUA's "Notes From Home" show, which is devoted to new Canadian indie music. They love AC Newman on that show.
11. "I Will Wait" by Mumford & Sons
Mumford & Sons almost made it onto Mike Mix 2011 for a different song, but was left off because of it's repeated use of the dreaded F-word. Maybe I'll add it to @#$% Mix. (Yes, I actually made a mix devoted to swear-filled songs.) "I Will Wait" is much cleaner, so it made the cut this year. I'm just a sucker for the banjo (see "Wait So Long").
12. "Atlas Hands" by Benjamin Francis Leftwich
This one was another song I was introduced on the radio to during a late-night drive home from work. I forget if it was "Notes From Home" or "Night Stream" that I heard it on. Oh, hey, I just looked Benjamin Francis Leftwich up on wikipedia, and it turns out he's from England, so that rules out "Notes From Home." Thanks again, Internet. What would I do without out you? Seriously, what would I do without the Internet? I'd have to listen to pop, country music, or classic rock.
13. "Madness" by Muse
This is, what, the third British band on MM12 now? Muse is another regular contributor to MiKenzie Inc.'s musical compilations. I usually go with their heavier songs, but this one is different. It starts kind of slow, with an electronic beat that kind of reminds me of dubstep, but a lot more subtle. It builds to a powerful, emotional climax. I'm as big a sucker for crescendos as I am for banjos.
14. "Holocene" by Bon Iver
I wrote about this song in last year's "Indie Rock Quest" just before I compiled Mike Mix 2011, but it didn't make it onto MM11. I love the song, though, so I'm including it this year. It's slow, melancholy, and beautiful. I come close to crying whenever I watch the video.
15. "Closer" by Tegan & Sara
My favourite Canadian lesbian identical twin sister duo. They're probably the best thing to ever come out of Calgary. I've included them several times in the past, and their latest hit is definitely worthy of Mike Mix.
16. "Games That You're Playin" by Kevin Calder
(Note: Kevin doesn't have a video for "Games", so that's a link to the video for "Everything Happens for a Reason".) This is the only musician on MM12 that I've ever hugged. I wrote about my former classmate and singing buddy back in August. "Games That You're Playin" is my favourite song from his album.
17. "Last Ride of the Day" by Nightwish
So, yeah. Metal makes its debut on Mike Mix. ("What about that time you used a Dream Theater song?" some of you aren't asking. To which I reply, "I'm told that Dream Theater is prog, not metal.) I'm pretty sure it's the first Finnish band to appear on a Mike Mix, too. It's pretty tame for metal, but this is as metal as I can get. My sister-in-law, Afton, is a fan of Nightwish, and she got Avril hooked on them, too. I don't like all of their stuff, but I do appreciate the female lead singer, and their latest album is amazing. The album is best experienced as a whole, which is rare in today's iTunes world. Avril and Afton like the former lead singer, who was more operatic, but this new lead singer is more my style.
And there you have it. Mike Mix 2012, the second Mike Mix to be available digitally only, is in the books. I heard an anecdote online recently about a guy who walked into Best Buy and said to an employee, "If I were blank CDs, where would I be?" The employee replied, "Probably in 2003." So, yeah. It's only on my iPod.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
First Dates
As I was driving to work yesterday, I was listening to the CBC radio show Definitely Not The Opera, as is my habit as I drive to work on Saturdays. The topic of this episode was first dates, and the stories they were telling got me thinking about the various first dates I've been on in my life. They're a bit of a mixed bag. My first date with my wife was a good date, but nothing funny that makes a good story happened. We went mini-golfing, ate at Boston Pizza, and watched High Strung at my apartment. There were a lot of dates that were fun, but never led to a meaningful relationship with the girl I was with. Some were just awkward. One of the most awkward ones I went on was with a girl named Maria. I had met her officially (there was one meeting months before in which we didn't tell each other our names) in the summer of 2003. We went to the same singles' ward of the LDS church, and we lived on the same street. My roommates and I developed a comfortable friendship with her and her roommates. We were called to be in charge of the weekly Family Home Evening ward activity together, so we started having one-on-one time together. Nothing ever happened, and we didn't develop romantic feelings for each other, but we were pretty good friends. That winter, as Valentine's Day approached, the time came that the guys in Lethbridge's singles' wards started asking the girls to the annual Sweetheart's Dance. I didn't have any prospects at the time, so I decided to ask Maria. She eventually said yes, and we made plans for the evening. I could tell right away that she felt a little weird about the arrangement, but I plowed ahead anyway. Maria was my friend, and I wasn't planning on making any moves, so I figured we could have a good time once the date got rolling. The night of the date came, and right away things didn't go as planned. She ended up having to work late, and almost didn't come at all. I should have given her an exit and let her back out altogether, because when we got to the dance, we barely spoke to each other. In fact, we didn't speak to each other much for a couple months afterwards. I think she thought I had a crush on her, and she wasn't interested at all, so she backed off. We eventually got to a point where we were good friends again, but that was right before I got married.
So that was my most awkward first date. It was an earlier date, though, that was the funniest by far.
As I made abundantly clear in the first paragraph of this blog entry, I am a Mormon. As such, I have only ever dated Mormon girls. It wasn't that I was opposed to the idea of dating girls who weren't Mormon, but the social circles I ran in were predominantly Mormon. In the winter of 2001, I had my eyes on a girl named Chantal. This was also around the time of the Sweethearts Dance, but I was living in Edmonton still instead of Lethbridge, which is where I knew Maria. I had brought up the dance with Chantal, but she insisted that I ask her in the traditional creative way that Mormons are so fond of. So I made her a huge heart-shaped cookie. I wanted to write in frosting, "Do you want to go to the Sweethearts Dance with me?" but there wasn't enough room, so I just wrote "Dance with me," which turned out to be the title of a movie she liked. Now I just needed a situation in which I could give it to her. At the same time, I was attending Grant MacEwan College, and I had a drama class. One of our assignments in this class was to attend a play and write a report on it. I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone and make a date out of attending the play. The play I chose to attend was called Suburbia, which I knew next to nothing about. (To answer the question you're probably not asking, yes, it was based on the 1996 movie of the same title.)
Before I go on, let me tell you about Chantal. She would have been about 19 years old at the time, and she was a sweet, young Mormon girl. Like, as Mormon as you can get, pretty much. I was a good Mormon for the most part (better than I am now, if I'm being honest), but even back then I had my "failings". I drank caffeinated pop, I had no problems with swearing (I even swore as a missionary on occasion), and I was raised on R-rated movies. Chantal, not so much. She was (and still is, I assume) a model Mormon, and I applaud her for it.
Right from the first scene of the play, the bad language started, and it never let up. Like I said, swearing doesn't bother me, but I was there on a first date with Mormon girl. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as I watched, convinced that she wouldn't want anything to do with me if this was the kind of thing I did on dates. It was a good play, but I had a hard time enjoying it because of the awful, awful language.
The intermission came, and we spoke comfortably with each other. I apologized for bringing her to such a dirty play, and she assured me that she didn't hold it against me. The second act of the play started, and before I knew it, there was a dick flopping around on stage. The main character, a man in his early 20s, exuberantly started taking his clothes off. "Oh no," I thought as his shirt flew off. "They wouldn't have full nudity in this play. Would they?" The guy's pants came off next, and I hoped in vain that they would stop with him standing there in his boxers. But nope. Down the shorts went. To make it worse, the well-endowed actor started whooping and jumping up and down. Chantal, mercifully, saw the reveal coming and averted her gaze before getting an eyeful. I was still mortified, though. My first date with a young Molly Mormon was filled with foul language and a big floppy penis.
Chantal went on to be my first real girlfriend, and we were even engaged briefly, so I guess it could've been worse. Still, I had the foresight to watch a movie I had already seen on my first date with Avril.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Basking in Reflected Glory
I always knew it wouldn't be me, but I'm glad one of the MT Vibes is taking the first steps towards a successful music career. I blogged about the MT Vibes on my '90s blog, but if you're too lazy to follow that link, let me explain. In high school, I was a member of a 12-man singing group called the MT Vibes. (MT=empty. Don't ask what it's supposed to mean, because nobody really knows.) My nemesis, Jake Heninger, was a member, and so was another good friend named Kevin Calder. Kevin and I have gone our separate ways since high school, but we still keep in touch on Facebook. Our lives took very different paths. He's a doctor, while I'm a front desk clerk at a small motel. In addition to being a doctor, Kevin is also a singer/songwriter, and his debut album has just been released. It's a good album, and you should buy it. Here are some links:
Kevin on iTunes
Kevin on cdbaby if you want the CD
And here's his first video:
If he makes it big, I'll be able to say, "Hey, I used to sing with that guy!" I'll show them the video of my rendition of "Teddy Bear" and say, "See? He used to sing back-up for me."
Kevin on iTunes
Kevin on cdbaby if you want the CD
And here's his first video:
If he makes it big, I'll be able to say, "Hey, I used to sing with that guy!" I'll show them the video of my rendition of "Teddy Bear" and say, "See? He used to sing back-up for me."
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| Kevin is second from the left, next to the damnable Heninger. I'm at the microphone. June 1996. |
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Admiral Mike
Okay, I’m
gonna bare my 15/16-year-old soul here.
It’s hard for me to look back at this time in 1993 and 1994 when I wrote
my first novel. I’ve mentioned the whole
SuperBruno thing in other blogs, and some people who are close to me have seen
the modern overhaul of my childhood fantasy (my Stormy Logan stories), but I’ve
always been hesitant about sharing my first attempt at writing the story of the
world I created for myself when I was eight or nine years old. I recently read through the first (and only
complete) draft of the story that I called Admiral
Mike, and it was so bad that I started writing snarky comments in the
margins to make fun of it. That’s what
this blog entry is about: my snarky comments.
Before I share them, though, I need to give some background on the
overall story. It’s about a fictional
version of me, who gets superpowers in 1989 when I was 11, and so did my best
friend, David Jones. We grow up, have
adventures, and at 16, I split into two people, one with superpowers, one without.
In the futuristic year of 2000, the me
without powers joins the Army of Earth, which is a member of the Mars
Federation of Planets. By the way, there
is life on every planet in the solar system, including Pluto, which hadn’t been
demoted yet. Anyway, aside from
SuperBruno’s early adventures, the novel covers a 25-year-long war between
Earth and Saturn (2001-2026), and chronicles the rise of me to the leader Earth’s
military and government. In short, it’s
absolutely ridiculous. So, without further
ado, here are some passages from the novel written by a 15-year-old (plain
type) and made fun of by a 34-year-old (italics):
(Wait, two
more thing: about halfway through the writing the novel, I decided that, to
avoid confusion, the normal me called himself Mike and the superhero me called
himself Bruce. And I’m leaving typos and
grammatical errors intact.)
 |
| Bad as my writing was back then, it was better than my drawings. |
[Mike]
visited with the whole family until they all left for their own homes. After they left [Mike’s parents’ 30th
anniversary party], Mike got in his car and drove to his parents’ house. Where’s
Bruce? Shouldn’t he have been at this
party?
*
“Hi,”
Mike said, “You look great.”
“Thanks,”
Angela said, “You look good, too.”
“Well,
of course I do,” Mike said jokingly, “I can’t help looking good.”
Hi-larious!
Angela
laughed and nudged him as they walked to the car. Mike got in the driver’s side, then he
reached over to the passenger’s side door, unlocked it and opened it for her to
get in. How chivalrous.
*
“It’s
beautiful,” Angela said as she examined it.
“It had
to be,” Mike said, “It wouldn’t have matched you if it hadn’t.”
Blaaaaargh!
*
A few
minutes later, the phone rang. His
mother answered. She said yes then
looked at Mike and mouthed the words, “It’s SuperBruno.” Really? That’s what she calls her own son?
“Hi,
Mike,” she said. “And by Mike, I mean Bruce.”
*
SuperBruno
and Mike could sense each other’s feelings because they were the same
person. Oh, of course. Thanks for
explaining.
*
“Boy,
they sure are working you hard,” Mike said.
“I don’t
mind it that much,” SuperBruno said, “It gives me something to do.”
“Well,
good-bye,” Mike said.
“Bye.”
Most natural conversation EVER!
*
He
turned the phone off and put it on his shelf next to the head he ripped off of
the robot. What robot? He quickly
changed into his costume. It was now made
of a special material that was tight and very strong. You could see the muscles that had started to
develop on his body very clearly. Gross.
*
“He got
a phone call from Dr. Sinclair [the bad guy].
He told David that he knew who he was and to meet him somewhere. David left as SuperAndy (duh) without telling us where he was supposed to meet him.” Dumb
kid.
“Well,”
SuperBruno said, “Thanks for your help.
I’m going out to look for him now.
Good-bye.”
“Good-bye,”
Mrs. Jones said. “My eight-year-old son is missing, but whatevs.”
*
“There
was a fight,” the officer said, “It was between SuperAndy and a group of purple
(obviously important information)
robots. Witnesses say SuperAndy was
defeated and carried away.”
“Okay,”
SuperBruno said, “Thank you for your help.”
“Beat up by robots, you say? That’s cool, I guess. No, no!
Don’t tell me which way they went!”
SuperBruno
started to walk away, but the policeman called him back. “The robot dragged SuperAndy into the harbor. We have some men searching under water for
him.”
“I said don’t tell me!”
*
He swam
along the bottom. The robot must have
been very heavy, (as if it were made of
metal, or something.)
*
There
were pipes on the ceiling. He flew up
and grabbed a piece of pipe about two feet long. Water started to spray out of the pipe after
he had ripped the section out. He
squeezed on the open ends and the water stopped. Wouldn’t
want to damage the evil lair.
*
(Before
this one, I just need to explain that Dr. Sinclair, the evil scientist who gave
them their superpowers, also created a purple metal called sinclairium that
negated their powers. In this part, they
are trapped in a cage made out of the stuff.)
“Look
around,” SuperBruno said, “If we got a hold of one of those guns, we could
break out of this cage and destroy the base.”
“We
could destroy the base with a couple of guns?” SuperAndy said, a little
confused.
SuperBruno
sighed and looked at SuperAndy. “We
could blow the bars away with the guns,” Mike said, “And use the them to shoot
the purple robots. We could use
ourselves to destroy the base.”
“Oh,”
SuperAndy said.
SuperAndy is kinda dumb.
*
“Take
off your cape,” SuperBruno said after a few seconds.
“What?”
SuperAndy said, “Why?” “I need it because of how useful it is!”
“Just
give it to me,” SuperBruno said, “I have an idea.”
SuperAndy
took off his cape and Handed it to Bruno.
SuperBruno took off his own cape and tied the two together. He turned and looked out between the bars at
the guns. They were standing up in
racks. SuperBruno shot a laser beam from
his eyes and it hit the top of the rack above one of the guns. It fell forward.
“Oops,” said Dr. Sinclair. “I forgot they could do that.”
“What
are you doing?” SuperAndy asked.
SuperBruno didn’t answer. He
began to tie a loop at the end of the capes.
He then put his arm out of the cage and swung the looped end towards the
gun. He somehow (not even I, the author, know how he did it) managed to get the
loop around the barrel of the gun and pull it over.
*
“Why did
you put us in a room filled with powerful weapons?” “And no
video surveillance, or at least a guard?”
“I just
wanted you to see my supplies,” Dr. Sinclair said, “They aren’t much yet, but
you have to start somewhere when you want to take over the world.” Motivation? What’s that?
*
SuperBruno
didn’t think Dr. Sinclair could take over the world. He didn’t even think he could take over
Canada. Well, maybe Canada.
*
“You’ll
be dead by the morning. I’ll try to kill
you as slowly as possible. Sweet dreams!” He left.
Kill them now, you stupid evil
genius!
*
They
started walking down a hall. When they
reached the fork, they turned right. A
group of four purple robots was walking towards them. They turned and ran the other way because they forgot that they had guns.
*
SuperBruno
carefully aimed his gun and fired. A gun
was knocked out of the hand of a woman. Pretty good shot for an 11-year-old who has
never handled a firearm before.
*
Dr.
Sinclair’s submersible detached from the main base and floated away. “I must
leave now that my plan of bringing two superheroes to destroy my secret base is
successful!”
*
In the
hole that was about three inches deep, he could see the colour purple. Good
movie.
*
It was
estimated that a total of 50 people were killed in the blast. All of them were Dr. Sinclair’s followers, so fuck ‘em.
*
Mike and
Angela were married on June 26, 2001 in the Mormon temple located in Cardston,
Alberta. Fun fact: in real life in June 2001, I was a security guard at a
hospital, and my fiancée had dumped me two months previously. Also, no aliens.
*
The
interview went well and Angela passed the physical. She started off as a private and was
stationed at Earth Base 4 with Mike. All in two sentences.
*
“Are you
done with the laser welder?” Alternate names: space welder, future
welder.
“I’ll be
done with it in a second, sir,” the technician said as he used it on
something. Don’t ask what. “All right,”
he said, “Here you go.”
Mike
took it and welded something together that had been broken by a laser. “I’m lucky this laser shot wasn’t a few
inches over,” Mike said, “or I would have been blown away.” It’s
all very technical. You wouldn’t
understand.
*
“Well,”
he said and got out of the engine. He was IN the engine?
*
He
kissed her on the mouth and put his arms around her. No, not
on her lips. On her mouth.
*
“I just
went over some papers and did some training with the people I’m in charge of.” “What’s
a platoon?”
*
“I think
we should send spies over [to Saturn] to try to find out what they’re up to.” I’m
sure human spies would fit right in on Saturn.
*
Mike got
the rest of his power suit on and was holding his helmet. He bent over and kissed Angela on the mouth (again with the mouth kissing) as she
was putting the right foot of her suit on.
“Good
luck, Mike,” Angela said. “I love you.”
“I love
you, too, babe,” Mike said…That’s totally
how I talk.
 |
| Admiral MacKenzie modelling a "power suit" |
*
“Your
parents are on their way down to see you,” Angela said, “I phoned them about an
hour ago and told them [that you had been shot]. They seemed awfully worried.” That’s how
it SEEMED, anyway.
*
“You
sure did surprise me,” SuperBruno said [to Mike], “I was working on something
when all of a sudden, I felt a cramp in my stomach and my shoulder. I take it that’s where you got shot.” “I’m a
real-life version of Superman, so I was working in a lab during an alien
invasion. Naturally.”
*
“The
laser passed through your body without hitting any organs,” the doctor
said. How? Just to be clear, he was
shot dead-center in the gut.
*
“I’ll
make sure he does what you say, Doctor,” Angela said, “He’ll probably try to go
back to work two days after he’s out of here.
Maybe less.” Apparently, I had forgotten how lazy I am when I wrote this.
*
“I’ll
see you later,” Angela said after their lips had parted. You
mean, “after their MOUTHS had parted.”
*
When
Mike woke up, he saw his dad looking down on him. Creepy. What the hell, Dad?
*
Five-star
General Keller was Admiral Wilson’s second in command. There was only one five-star general and only
one admiral. They were both elected by
the people. I didn’t know how the army worked when I was 15.
*
Mike
shock [his hand] I thought shock was a
typo the first time I saw it, but turns out I was just stupid.
*
“Thank
you,” he said again and shoke the general’s hand once more. Not
quite. Keep trying.
*
“Congratulations!”
Lloyd said and patted Mike’s shoulder.
Mike winced. “Oh, I’m sorry!”
Lloyd said, “I forgot that you hurt your shoulder, too.” “I
thought the bandage was just to make you look bad-ass.”
*
Angela
came over to Mike, smiling, and wrapped her arms around his neck. Mike hugged her and kissed her ear (it was
the closest body part to his mouth). Just stop it.
*
“How are
you feeling?” Amy asked.
“Everybody
is asking me that,” Mike said. It’s because you’re in the hospital,
dumb-ass.
*
He
ripped his shirt and pants off. Hilarious out of context.
*
“Emoclew,”
the short [Martian] said. Dude, that’s just “welcome” backwards. Lazy.
“I...uh…didn’t
quite catch that,” SuperBruno said. Very flippant response for meeting an alien
for the first time.
*
He was
becoming more and more confused. You can tell cuz I just said so.
*
SuperBruno
didn’t sleep that night. He sat up
watching his family as they slept and thought.
What were they thinking about?
Misplaced modifier, FTW!
*
“Wait a
minute,” Bruno said, “Are you saying that you were in the trance?”
“Yeah,”
Andy said.
“That’s
strange,” Bruno said, “Why wasn’t I?”
“You weren’t
in the trance?”
“That’s
what I said.” Asshole.
*
“Wait a
minute,” SuperBruno said, “Do we all shower in the same room?”
“Yes,”
the alien said. “This is the only shower
room we have, so the men and women have to share it. We do not want to take turns. It would take to much time.” The alien left.
The
people just stood and looked around at first.
Then, one by one, they went to a shower and started to undress and hang
their clothes on hooks on the walls.
Why? Why is this happening? What’s the point?
*
Something
had happened to his brain. Best line ever.
*
Some of
the tall aliens aimed lasers at the group of people, the others started firing
on the Martian guards. Before the aliens
could shoot the people, SuperAndy and SuperBruno charged them. The guards were disarmed and thrown across
the room before they knew what was happening.
The guards were disarmed? Not the attackers?
*
“They
were Saturnians,” the alien said. “When
we proposed that we test Earth to see if they are ready to join the Mars
Federation, they objected. No one knows
why.” And no one ever will. I never
explain it.
“Well,”
SuperAndy said. “I don’t think I like
them very much.” I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough.
 |
| Good-looking fella. |
*
A large,
flying bus (because it’s space) was
waiting for them.
*
“Make
your way back to the city,” an alien said.
The bus left. “Nevermind the aliens who JUST TRIED TO KILL
YOU!”
*
SuperBruno
was so amazed that he was actually entering the atmosphere of Saturn that he
forgot about where he was. They left the
clouds and SuperBruno saw a large city.
The buildings were all metallic and had tall towers. There were small saucer shaped ships flying
around and he saw vehicles travelling along roads. Gas
giants have solid ground, right?
*
“All I
remember is being in pain. That’s more
than I want to remember.”
“Oh,”
said SuperAndy. They were silent for a
minute. SuperAndy finally said, “I
better tell the doctors that you’re awake,” and he left the room. Well,
that was awkward.
*
On
February 6, 1997, all the countries of Europe joined to form the country called
Europe. European Union? No, that’s dumb.
*
To
nights later, a Saturnian… “You wanna go
to nights now?” “No, let’s go to nights
later.”
*
The
alien yelled a few of the only Saturnian words that Admiral Wilson knew, and
that I won’t repeat, and shot her in the head.
Surprise first person POV! BAM!
*
Mike was
shocked! You can tell by the exclamation point.
*
“General
Keller is the temporary admiral?” It was a statement more than a question. Mike nodded.
“That’s
awful,” Angela said. “The assassination,
not General Keller becoming admiral.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*
Something
tall had jumped into the road and they hit it.
All Mike saw before they went spinning out of control was a tall, metal
body clipped over the car when it hit.
He had a very bad feeling. No shit.
*
“All
right, this is what you’ll do,” Mike (from now on I’ll call him SuperBruno to
avoid confusion) said. Shut up, narrator; nobody cares about you.
*
“You’d
be surprised by how many secret labs I have.”
We all would, Dr. Sinclair.
*
“NO!”
SuperBruno yelled. He jumped out of his
chair, flew out the window and straight down after Christine. He caught her and started flying back
up. Why
back up? Fly away from the bad guys!
*
As
SuperBruno, he could withstand extreme heat and cold. He had once been under water in the Arctic in
the middle of winter. Don’t forget freakin’ Mars!
*
He saw
Angela sleeping on the couch in front of the TV wearing a bath robe. Why is
the TV wearing a bath robe? Another
misplaced modifier! Yes!
*
On
January 1, 2003…89 of the remaining two star generals were promoted to three
stars, including Mike. 24 years old.
*
Mike got
off the toilet and left the bathroom pulling his pants up. I hope
he wiped first.
*
Earth
had won some battles against Saturn because of his strategies. Awesome. Superb writing.
*
[The
energy sword] was a long blade that, when you pushed a button, it would glow
red with a very powerful energy. It
could cut through almost anything. It definitely was NOT a light saber.
*
The
alien knelt, pinning Mike on the ground, and pulled out a knife. Because
screw light sabers.
*
Mike
spun around and saw another alien charging him.
It was armed with an energy sword, a stun pole, and a spear. He was
a juggler.
*
After a
few weeks of almost crushing hands when he shook…Hey! You got it!
*
Jimmy
was put to bed at 8:00 and Mike and Angela decided to go to bed early, too, but
not for sleep. For sex, I bet.
*
They
weren’t tears of joy (in Mike’s mind, he saw Jimmy just a couple of days ago),
but they were sad tears. I sure did think my audience was stupid.
*
Mary
[MacKenzie] was married to a nice guy who was really involved in sports (well, that much came true) named Grant
Sanders. Got the name wrong, though. Damn
my lack of ability to see the future!
*
“The
person who I have the most trouble believing he’s so old is Jimmy.” Winner
of the most awkward syntax award.
*
This
wasn’t here husband. It was SuperBruno’s
robot duplicate. After SuperBruno had
finished it, the [Earth Resistance Force] stole it and reprogrammed it. What? When?
Why is this the first time we’re hearing about this? To be fair to past me, I wrote an entire
chapter on that happening in the next draft of the novel.
*
“You can
kill me if you want, but I won’t kill anyone in the army.” “Civilians
are fair game, though.”
*
“I’ll
kill you!” it growled in an animalish voice.
Animalish?
And that’s
about all I did that I can share without including huge sections of the book.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Dear Prime Minister (cc the motel I'm staying at)
So this lady checked into the motel a couple of weeks ago, and it wasn't long before she showed us that she was crazy. It was little things mostly, like how she claimed that people no longer had to pay the Goods and Services Tax (GST). We charged her GST for her stay, anyway. Apparently, she wrote a letter to Stephen Harper, the Prime Minister of Canada, and gave us a copy of the letter for some reason. It was, of course, a crazy letter, and I would like to share it with you now. A note for any foreigners reading: "The Crown" refers to the government of Canada, which is technically the British monarchy. When people say "The Crown" in Canada, it's like when Americans say "The People" in a legal context. (If Larry Flynt had been from Canada, the movie about him would have been called "The Crown vs. Larry Flynt" instead of "The People vs. Larry Flynt.")
So anyway, here's the letter:
So anyway, here's the letter:
Hon. Prime Minister
Stephen Harper
Parliament Building
Ottawa, ON
Dear Prime Minister:
2011 Tax Year
There is something gravely wrong in our
nation, Canada, and in our associated provinces and territories, and within the
cities, towns, villages, and hamlets within each said province and territory.
I had written to CRA some weeks ago to
clarify the legislative basis for the Government of Canada to require all
citizens to file a tax return for 2011 tax year. I wrote this letter for several reasons but
have not yet had a reply. The reasons
include:
1.
There is something wrong – enormously wrong – when we cannot say that we
are Canadian citizens within, let’s say, the province of Alberta and with the
city of, let’s say, Lethbridge in that province. Someone has drastically modified The Crown
and its land base (all its territory) thereby impacting, that is, voiding all
legislation previously approved and enacted by The Crown and being enforced by
various entities and/or individuals of The Crown, whether employee or
contractor or agent.
2.
Page 5 of the CRA (can’t say name because legislation and Crown
have been so modified as to make CRA invalid and non-existent) General Income
Tax and Benefit Guide 2011 says “you must file a tax return for 2011 in any of
the following situations apply: we sent you a request to file a return…” I did not receive a request from The Crown to
file a return.
I waited and waited for a response to my
letter to CRA; to date, I have not heard from them. For that reason, I thought I had better start
getting ready to submit a tax return.
Today, April 21, I’m looking at all the
documentation (Guide, tax return, forms) that I picked up at CRA’s office and I
discover other associated problems of a very practical nature arose as I
attempt to do my tax return.
The 2011 Guide for the tax year states
on page 1 that it’s “Government of Alberta Information for Residents of
Alberta. What’s new for 2011?”
I can’t say, can barely write Government
of Alberta, meaning just like CRA, it does not exist as an appropriately approved
entity of The Crown with an identifiable land base for citizens.
On page 2, the problems become further
pronounced. It states “Complete form AB428
if you were a resident of Alberta at the end of the year (see pg
1 for definition).” Further, it states
that if you had income from a business with a permanent establishment outside
Alberta, complete form T2203.
Further, it states you also have to
complete form AB428 if you were a non-resident of Canada in 2011…
Because The Crown is ill-defined for
what was once our nation of Canada, the Constitution Act and all its amendments
have placed all of us in a state where:
1.
we don’t know who The Crown is;
2.
we don’t know if we are citizens of a city within Alberta (or some
place) within Canada;
3.
we don’t know what the defined land base (territory) is for the province
of Alberta
4.
we don’t know what the defined land base (territory) is for the nation
of Canada.
With respect to 3 and 4, I ask how then
can we declare/certify that we were/are residents of Alberta within
Canada? How can we identify income from
a business with a permanent establishment outside Alberta – I’m thinking all of
our banking, financial, credit union, and investment income and returns – when we
don’t know the defined (in law) land base (territory) for Canada? And if we cannot define Canada’s land, what
do we do with income and investments returns off shore and globally?
3.
As with 2, the government of Alberta is non-existent.
These changes that have been made
without consultation and cooperation, along with a referendum put before the
citizens, have grossly eroded everything we are and knew. All entities incorporated are potentially at
risk because the incorporated are potentially at risk because the incorporation
act is null and void, and cannot easily be reinstated with a retroactive date
due to so many other decisions and contracts and commitments that were put in
place between the date that change occurred and April 21, about 3:15 pm – as I’m
writing this letter.
I would ask you, Mr. Harper, who would
have a good sense of all the changes and what was intended, to declare that
2011 tax year be a jubilee year for all citizens while appropriate actions are
taken to rectify the VOID created by The Crown’s actions.
Courts of law in this land are still
fining citizens, arresting them, jailing them, eroding their rights as though
they are not impacted by the VOID created by The Crown. This should not be happening! We are degenerating into a state of chaos,
and I can’t even say that we’re becoming an undeveloped third world country; it’s
like we are no country at all. Who owns
us? Who owns our land? Our resources? Why tax us in such a situation? There is no legitimate legal basis to do
so. And then the practical question
arises paying taxes: in what currency?
Who is authorizing legally the minting of what used to be the Canadian
dollar? If we make our cheques payable
to Revenue Canada or the Minister of Finance, that position does not
exist because The Crown has modified “itself” and the government of Alberta and
the government of Canada and all its elected, appointed, and hired officials,
including senators, are not our legal representatives and have no right to cash
our cheques if taxes are owed.
I think all Albertans would be dismayed
to read page 1 which seems to erode the medical expense allowances for spouse
and children (other dependents).
When one combines the absence, that is
the void created in our citizenship status anywhere in Canada, not just
Alberta, along with the erosion of land, resources, and now medical expense
allowances, I suggest you encourage the Minister of Finance, head of CRA to
rush out an announcement forgiving everyone as there is no need to file a tax
return for 2011 – it’s impossible to do so with the VOID in The Crown. If necessary, consult with experts in Israel
on how a Jubilee of the Lord works.
No one who lived in Canada in 2011
should have to file a tax return and there should be no repercussions to
anyone now or in the future because we did not file a tax return in the VOID
created.
Some suggestions:
1.
Communicate what went wrong constitutionally and what is necessary to
restore to those of us born in Canada our Canadian citizenship, along with
rights, benefits, privileges, and responsibilities.
2.
Clarify for all if the Incorporation is invalid, who owns the assets of
all organizations, non-profits, banks, societies, businesses, trademarks,
etc. Risk has to be managed responsibly.
3.
Consider how to release some offenders from jail – those who are not a
risk to all citizens, thereby returning a family member to his family. Eliminate the issuance of unendorsed warrants
because the courts [in what land base] are invalidly constituted. Massive crime bills are not needed for the
majority of citizens. Ease up taking
citizens’ monies in such a legislative void – really, the absence of law
because The Crown has not rightfully and clearly said to all citizens that this
is the land in question. It really means
all governments in Canada are operating illegally, outside the law. And to top it all, we have not been told who
owns all the resources in this land.
Some may know, not the majority, and so we have continued to pay taxes
and fines from an illegally constituted Crown.
Given the above, what has happened to
the wealth and health of all of us and why should we pay more taxes? Who is receiving the remuneration? Is it [the remuneration] being used for all
citizens? What liability has been
created that will fall on the citizens to pay?
An urgent communiqué to ever resident,
to every tax payer, is needed before April 30, 2012.
I trust you will take up these matters
with The Crown and the Minister of Finance asap.
I look forward to hearing from you. I am reluctant to file a tax return for 2011
in such a legislative void – outside the law.
When the government is invalid, its Ministers, legislation, tax returns,
forms, agencies, departments, currency, land are also invalid.
And that's how the letter ended. My most urgent question is this: what does she think happened that has rendered Canada a non-entity? She talks about the changes of the Crown as if it's public knowledge, but it's something that she made up, and she never explains it. What happened? What created the VOID? What did the Crown do? Why did she give this letter to the staff of the small motel she was staying in? Was it her justification for why she didn't want to pay the GST?
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