Okay, I’m
gonna bare my 15/16-year-old soul here.
It’s hard for me to look back at this time in 1993 and 1994 when I wrote
my first novel. I’ve mentioned the whole
SuperBruno thing in other blogs, and some people who are close to me have seen
the modern overhaul of my childhood fantasy (my Stormy Logan stories), but I’ve
always been hesitant about sharing my first attempt at writing the story of the
world I created for myself when I was eight or nine years old. I recently read through the first (and only
complete) draft of the story that I called Admiral
Mike, and it was so bad that I started writing snarky comments in the
margins to make fun of it. That’s what
this blog entry is about: my snarky comments.
Before I share them, though, I need to give some background on the
overall story. It’s about a fictional
version of me, who gets superpowers in 1989 when I was 11, and so did my best
friend, David Jones. We grow up, have
adventures, and at 16, I split into two people, one with superpowers, one without.
In the futuristic year of 2000, the me
without powers joins the Army of Earth, which is a member of the Mars
Federation of Planets. By the way, there
is life on every planet in the solar system, including Pluto, which hadn’t been
demoted yet. Anyway, aside from
SuperBruno’s early adventures, the novel covers a 25-year-long war between
Earth and Saturn (2001-2026), and chronicles the rise of me to the leader Earth’s
military and government. In short, it’s
absolutely ridiculous. So, without further
ado, here are some passages from the novel written by a 15-year-old (plain
type) and made fun of by a 34-year-old (italics):
(Wait, two
more thing: about halfway through the writing the novel, I decided that, to
avoid confusion, the normal me called himself Mike and the superhero me called
himself Bruce. And I’m leaving typos and
grammatical errors intact.)
 |
| Bad as my writing was back then, it was better than my drawings. |
[Mike]
visited with the whole family until they all left for their own homes. After they left [Mike’s parents’ 30th
anniversary party], Mike got in his car and drove to his parents’ house. Where’s
Bruce? Shouldn’t he have been at this
party?
*
“Hi,”
Mike said, “You look great.”
“Thanks,”
Angela said, “You look good, too.”
“Well,
of course I do,” Mike said jokingly, “I can’t help looking good.”
Hi-larious!
Angela
laughed and nudged him as they walked to the car. Mike got in the driver’s side, then he
reached over to the passenger’s side door, unlocked it and opened it for her to
get in. How chivalrous.
*
“It’s
beautiful,” Angela said as she examined it.
“It had
to be,” Mike said, “It wouldn’t have matched you if it hadn’t.”
Blaaaaargh!
*
A few
minutes later, the phone rang. His
mother answered. She said yes then
looked at Mike and mouthed the words, “It’s SuperBruno.” Really? That’s what she calls her own son?
“Hi,
Mike,” she said. “And by Mike, I mean Bruce.”
*
SuperBruno
and Mike could sense each other’s feelings because they were the same
person. Oh, of course. Thanks for
explaining.
*
“Boy,
they sure are working you hard,” Mike said.
“I don’t
mind it that much,” SuperBruno said, “It gives me something to do.”
“Well,
good-bye,” Mike said.
“Bye.”
Most natural conversation EVER!
*
He
turned the phone off and put it on his shelf next to the head he ripped off of
the robot. What robot? He quickly
changed into his costume. It was now made
of a special material that was tight and very strong. You could see the muscles that had started to
develop on his body very clearly. Gross.
*
“He got
a phone call from Dr. Sinclair [the bad guy].
He told David that he knew who he was and to meet him somewhere. David left as SuperAndy (duh) without telling us where he was supposed to meet him.” Dumb
kid.
“Well,”
SuperBruno said, “Thanks for your help.
I’m going out to look for him now.
Good-bye.”
“Good-bye,”
Mrs. Jones said. “My eight-year-old son is missing, but whatevs.”
*
“There
was a fight,” the officer said, “It was between SuperAndy and a group of purple
(obviously important information)
robots. Witnesses say SuperAndy was
defeated and carried away.”
“Okay,”
SuperBruno said, “Thank you for your help.”
“Beat up by robots, you say? That’s cool, I guess. No, no!
Don’t tell me which way they went!”
SuperBruno
started to walk away, but the policeman called him back. “The robot dragged SuperAndy into the harbor. We have some men searching under water for
him.”
“I said don’t tell me!”
*
He swam
along the bottom. The robot must have
been very heavy, (as if it were made of
metal, or something.)
*
There
were pipes on the ceiling. He flew up
and grabbed a piece of pipe about two feet long. Water started to spray out of the pipe after
he had ripped the section out. He
squeezed on the open ends and the water stopped. Wouldn’t
want to damage the evil lair.
*
(Before
this one, I just need to explain that Dr. Sinclair, the evil scientist who gave
them their superpowers, also created a purple metal called sinclairium that
negated their powers. In this part, they
are trapped in a cage made out of the stuff.)
“Look
around,” SuperBruno said, “If we got a hold of one of those guns, we could
break out of this cage and destroy the base.”
“We
could destroy the base with a couple of guns?” SuperAndy said, a little
confused.
SuperBruno
sighed and looked at SuperAndy. “We
could blow the bars away with the guns,” Mike said, “And use the them to shoot
the purple robots. We could use
ourselves to destroy the base.”
“Oh,”
SuperAndy said.
SuperAndy is kinda dumb.
*
“Take
off your cape,” SuperBruno said after a few seconds.
“What?”
SuperAndy said, “Why?” “I need it because of how useful it is!”
“Just
give it to me,” SuperBruno said, “I have an idea.”
SuperAndy
took off his cape and Handed it to Bruno.
SuperBruno took off his own cape and tied the two together. He turned and looked out between the bars at
the guns. They were standing up in
racks. SuperBruno shot a laser beam from
his eyes and it hit the top of the rack above one of the guns. It fell forward.
“Oops,” said Dr. Sinclair. “I forgot they could do that.”
“What
are you doing?” SuperAndy asked.
SuperBruno didn’t answer. He
began to tie a loop at the end of the capes.
He then put his arm out of the cage and swung the looped end towards the
gun. He somehow (not even I, the author, know how he did it) managed to get the
loop around the barrel of the gun and pull it over.
*
“Why did
you put us in a room filled with powerful weapons?” “And no
video surveillance, or at least a guard?”
“I just
wanted you to see my supplies,” Dr. Sinclair said, “They aren’t much yet, but
you have to start somewhere when you want to take over the world.” Motivation? What’s that?
*
SuperBruno
didn’t think Dr. Sinclair could take over the world. He didn’t even think he could take over
Canada. Well, maybe Canada.
*
“You’ll
be dead by the morning. I’ll try to kill
you as slowly as possible. Sweet dreams!” He left.
Kill them now, you stupid evil
genius!
*
They
started walking down a hall. When they
reached the fork, they turned right. A
group of four purple robots was walking towards them. They turned and ran the other way because they forgot that they had guns.
*
SuperBruno
carefully aimed his gun and fired. A gun
was knocked out of the hand of a woman. Pretty good shot for an 11-year-old who has
never handled a firearm before.
*
Dr.
Sinclair’s submersible detached from the main base and floated away. “I must
leave now that my plan of bringing two superheroes to destroy my secret base is
successful!”
*
In the
hole that was about three inches deep, he could see the colour purple. Good
movie.
*
It was
estimated that a total of 50 people were killed in the blast. All of them were Dr. Sinclair’s followers, so fuck ‘em.
*
Mike and
Angela were married on June 26, 2001 in the Mormon temple located in Cardston,
Alberta. Fun fact: in real life in June 2001, I was a security guard at a
hospital, and my fiancée had dumped me two months previously. Also, no aliens.
*
The
interview went well and Angela passed the physical. She started off as a private and was
stationed at Earth Base 4 with Mike. All in two sentences.
*
“Are you
done with the laser welder?” Alternate names: space welder, future
welder.
“I’ll be
done with it in a second, sir,” the technician said as he used it on
something. Don’t ask what. “All right,”
he said, “Here you go.”
Mike
took it and welded something together that had been broken by a laser. “I’m lucky this laser shot wasn’t a few
inches over,” Mike said, “or I would have been blown away.” It’s
all very technical. You wouldn’t
understand.
*
“Well,”
he said and got out of the engine. He was IN the engine?
*
He
kissed her on the mouth and put his arms around her. No, not
on her lips. On her mouth.
*
“I just
went over some papers and did some training with the people I’m in charge of.” “What’s
a platoon?”
*
“I think
we should send spies over [to Saturn] to try to find out what they’re up to.” I’m
sure human spies would fit right in on Saturn.
*
Mike got
the rest of his power suit on and was holding his helmet. He bent over and kissed Angela on the mouth (again with the mouth kissing) as she
was putting the right foot of her suit on.
“Good
luck, Mike,” Angela said. “I love you.”
“I love
you, too, babe,” Mike said…That’s totally
how I talk.
 |
| Admiral MacKenzie modelling a "power suit" |
*
“Your
parents are on their way down to see you,” Angela said, “I phoned them about an
hour ago and told them [that you had been shot]. They seemed awfully worried.” That’s how
it SEEMED, anyway.
*
“You
sure did surprise me,” SuperBruno said [to Mike], “I was working on something
when all of a sudden, I felt a cramp in my stomach and my shoulder. I take it that’s where you got shot.” “I’m a
real-life version of Superman, so I was working in a lab during an alien
invasion. Naturally.”
*
“The
laser passed through your body without hitting any organs,” the doctor
said. How? Just to be clear, he was
shot dead-center in the gut.
*
“I’ll
make sure he does what you say, Doctor,” Angela said, “He’ll probably try to go
back to work two days after he’s out of here.
Maybe less.” Apparently, I had forgotten how lazy I am when I wrote this.
*
“I’ll
see you later,” Angela said after their lips had parted. You
mean, “after their MOUTHS had parted.”
*
When
Mike woke up, he saw his dad looking down on him. Creepy. What the hell, Dad?
*
Five-star
General Keller was Admiral Wilson’s second in command. There was only one five-star general and only
one admiral. They were both elected by
the people. I didn’t know how the army worked when I was 15.
*
Mike
shock [his hand] I thought shock was a
typo the first time I saw it, but turns out I was just stupid.
*
“Thank
you,” he said again and shoke the general’s hand once more. Not
quite. Keep trying.
*
“Congratulations!”
Lloyd said and patted Mike’s shoulder.
Mike winced. “Oh, I’m sorry!”
Lloyd said, “I forgot that you hurt your shoulder, too.” “I
thought the bandage was just to make you look bad-ass.”
*
Angela
came over to Mike, smiling, and wrapped her arms around his neck. Mike hugged her and kissed her ear (it was
the closest body part to his mouth). Just stop it.
*
“How are
you feeling?” Amy asked.
“Everybody
is asking me that,” Mike said. It’s because you’re in the hospital,
dumb-ass.
*
He
ripped his shirt and pants off. Hilarious out of context.
*
“Emoclew,”
the short [Martian] said. Dude, that’s just “welcome” backwards. Lazy.
“I...uh…didn’t
quite catch that,” SuperBruno said. Very flippant response for meeting an alien
for the first time.
*
He was
becoming more and more confused. You can tell cuz I just said so.
*
SuperBruno
didn’t sleep that night. He sat up
watching his family as they slept and thought.
What were they thinking about?
Misplaced modifier, FTW!
*
“Wait a
minute,” Bruno said, “Are you saying that you were in the trance?”
“Yeah,”
Andy said.
“That’s
strange,” Bruno said, “Why wasn’t I?”
“You weren’t
in the trance?”
“That’s
what I said.” Asshole.
*
“Wait a
minute,” SuperBruno said, “Do we all shower in the same room?”
“Yes,”
the alien said. “This is the only shower
room we have, so the men and women have to share it. We do not want to take turns. It would take to much time.” The alien left.
The
people just stood and looked around at first.
Then, one by one, they went to a shower and started to undress and hang
their clothes on hooks on the walls.
Why? Why is this happening? What’s the point?
*
Something
had happened to his brain. Best line ever.
*
Some of
the tall aliens aimed lasers at the group of people, the others started firing
on the Martian guards. Before the aliens
could shoot the people, SuperAndy and SuperBruno charged them. The guards were disarmed and thrown across
the room before they knew what was happening.
The guards were disarmed? Not the attackers?
*
“They
were Saturnians,” the alien said. “When
we proposed that we test Earth to see if they are ready to join the Mars
Federation, they objected. No one knows
why.” And no one ever will. I never
explain it.
“Well,”
SuperAndy said. “I don’t think I like
them very much.” I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough.
 |
| Good-looking fella. |
*
A large,
flying bus (because it’s space) was
waiting for them.
*
“Make
your way back to the city,” an alien said.
The bus left. “Nevermind the aliens who JUST TRIED TO KILL
YOU!”
*
SuperBruno
was so amazed that he was actually entering the atmosphere of Saturn that he
forgot about where he was. They left the
clouds and SuperBruno saw a large city.
The buildings were all metallic and had tall towers. There were small saucer shaped ships flying
around and he saw vehicles travelling along roads. Gas
giants have solid ground, right?
*
“All I
remember is being in pain. That’s more
than I want to remember.”
“Oh,”
said SuperAndy. They were silent for a
minute. SuperAndy finally said, “I
better tell the doctors that you’re awake,” and he left the room. Well,
that was awkward.
*
On
February 6, 1997, all the countries of Europe joined to form the country called
Europe. European Union? No, that’s dumb.
*
To
nights later, a Saturnian… “You wanna go
to nights now?” “No, let’s go to nights
later.”
*
The
alien yelled a few of the only Saturnian words that Admiral Wilson knew, and
that I won’t repeat, and shot her in the head.
Surprise first person POV! BAM!
*
Mike was
shocked! You can tell by the exclamation point.
*
“General
Keller is the temporary admiral?” It was a statement more than a question. Mike nodded.
“That’s
awful,” Angela said. “The assassination,
not General Keller becoming admiral.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*
Something
tall had jumped into the road and they hit it.
All Mike saw before they went spinning out of control was a tall, metal
body clipped over the car when it hit.
He had a very bad feeling. No shit.
*
“All
right, this is what you’ll do,” Mike (from now on I’ll call him SuperBruno to
avoid confusion) said. Shut up, narrator; nobody cares about you.
*
“You’d
be surprised by how many secret labs I have.”
We all would, Dr. Sinclair.
*
“NO!”
SuperBruno yelled. He jumped out of his
chair, flew out the window and straight down after Christine. He caught her and started flying back
up. Why
back up? Fly away from the bad guys!
*
As
SuperBruno, he could withstand extreme heat and cold. He had once been under water in the Arctic in
the middle of winter. Don’t forget freakin’ Mars!
*
He saw
Angela sleeping on the couch in front of the TV wearing a bath robe. Why is
the TV wearing a bath robe? Another
misplaced modifier! Yes!
*
On
January 1, 2003…89 of the remaining two star generals were promoted to three
stars, including Mike. 24 years old.
*
Mike got
off the toilet and left the bathroom pulling his pants up. I hope
he wiped first.
*
Earth
had won some battles against Saturn because of his strategies. Awesome. Superb writing.
*
[The
energy sword] was a long blade that, when you pushed a button, it would glow
red with a very powerful energy. It
could cut through almost anything. It definitely was NOT a light saber.
*
The
alien knelt, pinning Mike on the ground, and pulled out a knife. Because
screw light sabers.
*
Mike
spun around and saw another alien charging him.
It was armed with an energy sword, a stun pole, and a spear. He was
a juggler.
*
After a
few weeks of almost crushing hands when he shook…Hey! You got it!
*
Jimmy
was put to bed at 8:00 and Mike and Angela decided to go to bed early, too, but
not for sleep. For sex, I bet.
*
They
weren’t tears of joy (in Mike’s mind, he saw Jimmy just a couple of days ago),
but they were sad tears. I sure did think my audience was stupid.
*
Mary
[MacKenzie] was married to a nice guy who was really involved in sports (well, that much came true) named Grant
Sanders. Got the name wrong, though. Damn
my lack of ability to see the future!
*
“The
person who I have the most trouble believing he’s so old is Jimmy.” Winner
of the most awkward syntax award.
*
This
wasn’t here husband. It was SuperBruno’s
robot duplicate. After SuperBruno had
finished it, the [Earth Resistance Force] stole it and reprogrammed it. What? When?
Why is this the first time we’re hearing about this? To be fair to past me, I wrote an entire
chapter on that happening in the next draft of the novel.
*
“You can
kill me if you want, but I won’t kill anyone in the army.” “Civilians
are fair game, though.”
*
“I’ll
kill you!” it growled in an animalish voice.
Animalish?
And that’s
about all I did that I can share without including huge sections of the book.
