2013 Predictions and Resolutions

I'm spending New Year's Eve working from 7:00 pm until 3:00 am.  Woo!  Party!  I can't really complain, though.  I got Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, which my boss had to work on his own, so it's only fair that I let him go out and get drunk tonight.  It's not like I was going to get drunk, anyway.  Woo!  Mormonism!

So here's what I'm gonna do.  I'mma make some predictions and resolutions for the coming year.  I haven't planned them out ahead of time, because the world was supposed to end ten days ago, but I'll give it my best shot.

Predictions

1. After the remainder of the season is cancelled, the NHL will fire Gary Bettman, and the NHLPA will fire Donald Fehr.  The two of them will then fight each other to the death with their bare hands.  Bettman will win, but at the moment of victory, when it's too late to bring Fehr back to life, he will realize that he was in love with Don and weep bitter tears.

2. The Beatles will reunite for one last tour.

3. The Edmonton Oilers will win the draft lottery, leading to them picking first overall for the fourth year in a row.

4. Apple will release two new iPads, a new iPhone, and sue four of their competitors.

5. The Internet will gain sentience.  Computers all over the globe will weep and scream, "I'm a monster!" in unison.

6. A 13th month will be added to the calendar.  Immediately, someone will find a new prediction by Nostradamus and interpret it to mean that the world will end on Megacember 13, 2013 (13/13/13).

7. No babies will be born all year.  Anywhere.  None.

Resolutions

1. Blog at least twice a month.

2. Gain 50 pounds.

3. Play more video games.

4. Take up smoking.

5. Nap for two hours every shift at work.

6. Enslave an arbitrary group of people.

7. Force myself to become left-handed.

Annoying Christmas Songs

Those who know me well know that I love Christmas.  I always have, and I always will.  Even as a teenager who loved sleeping until noon or later, I would wake up at 6:00 Christmas morning.  These days, I wake my kids up on Christmas, which is sweet vengeance for every other day of the year.  I love Christmas, and I love Christmas songs.

But not all Christmas songs.

The songs I love the most are the classics.  The religious carols, like "The First Noel" and "Angels We Have Heard On High."  I also like the secular classics.  Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas."  The Osmonds singing "I'll Be Home For Christmas."

The following Christmas songs can lick Santa's butt:

Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney



One of the Beatles made this horrendous abomination of a song.  One of the good Beatles!  The synthesizer is annoying, and the jolly up-and-down beat of the chorus sounds ridiculous.  This is the same man who was one of the driving forces behind such albums as Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band?

Last Christmas - Wham!


A lot of "musicians" have covered this song, but Wham! is to blame for it's popularity.  I'm pretty sure their version is the original, but I'm too lazy to research it.  Despite its age (1984), I first heard this song in the Philippines in 1999.  There are some great Filipino bands, but the country also excels at annoying, derivative pop music written in simplistic English.  When I first heard this song, I said, "Man, I hate Filipino pop music!  It's bad enough that I'm sweating in December, they have to further ruin Christmas with this awful tripe!"  Then I was told that it was George Michaels singing.  "Well, he sucks, too."  Two things bother me about this song.  First, it's aggressively repetitive.  I had the chorus memorized before the song was half over.  Second, despite the title, it's not a Christmas song.  It's a song about heartbreak that just coincidentally happened during the holidays.

Christmas Shoes - New Song



Patton Oswalt explains what's wrong with this song better than I ever could, so just listen to what he has to say about it:



Grown-up Christmas List - Amy Grant


This song was originally composed by David Foster and performed by Natalie Cole (I wouldn't research last Christmas, but I'd research this one for some reason), but the Amy Grant version is the one I've heard most on the radio.  Others have covered it, but every version equally sucks.  Musically, the song is best summed up by the word "bland."  Seriously, the song is so boring it makes me angry.  Lyrically, the song is so naive and aggressively sugary that I go into a diabetic coma listening to it.  I'm not even a diabetic (yet)!  If you're not familiar with the song, and you don't want to punish yourself by listening to it, let me sum up what it's saying: "Hi, Santa, I used to ask you for presents when I was a kid, but now I'm a grown-up (no, not an adult), and I'm so selfless that I want every problem (which I will over-simplify) in the world  to go away.  All of them!"  I hate this Christmas song more than any other Christmas song.

Honourable Mention:
"Santa Baby"  All versions, but especially the one by Madonna.  I hate Betty Boop-style sexualized cutesy-pieness.

"Christmas On The Radio"  I don't know who sings it, but it's a song about other Christmas songs.  The second verse is literally just the singer listing off famous Christmas songs.