Things That Scared Me As A Child

I'm 34 years old, and as such, most of my fears are understandable.  I'm afraid for the safety of my family.  I'm afraid of my high blood pressure.  I'm afraid of Mitt Romney.  Even my "irrational" fears make some sort of sense.  Last summer, for instance, I discovered that bee stings hurt as much as I had always feared.  I don't often get scared by things I see in various entertainment media.  Horror movies and books don't scare me.  (Fun fact: my spell checker didn't recognize the word "movies."  I guess it wants me to say "motion pictures.")

As a child, my fears were much simpler, but much more interesting at the same time.  Here is a list of some of the things that scared little hyperferrianism:

Sweetums

Even Vincent Price is uneasy around him

I was born in 1978, so I watched the Muppet Show at a very young age.  I loved it.  Every kid loved it.  And what's not to love?  It was a bunch of fuzzy, colourful puppets doing kid-friendly sketch comedy.  There was just one problem for me, though, and that was the life-size muppets.  These ones were full-grown adults inside of costumes rather than the traditional hand-up-the-ass puppets.  They all made me uneasy, but Sweetums was by far the scariest.  I knew what the muppets were.  I knew that there was a hand inside making the mouth move.  Sweetums was a six-and-a-half foot tall ogre who was clearly walking around under his own power.  I was just waiting for him to up and eat Kermit.

The Clown From Poltergeist

If I had Photoshop, I'd replace the kid's face with my own.

Being the fifth kid of seven came with some interesting side effects.  One of those was being raised on R-rated movies.  Poltergeist came out in 1982, and my family got a VCR in maybe 1984 or 1985.  My oldest brother would have been 13 in 1985.  Watching a horror movie like this at the age of 13 isn't a big deal.  I, on the other hand, would have been 7.  As a whole, I did okay.  The guy pulling his own face off over the sink freaked me out a little, but what really did me in was that awful, awful clown doll.  I was unsettled by it early on in the movie, and when it came to life and tried to kill the little boy, I was filled with an unholy dread that made me forever hate clowns.  Seriously, screw clowns.

Daddy Longlegs

One of my earliest memories

There was a period of time in my early life when I would play with insects.  (That time, by the way, is long over.)  David Jones and I would catch grasshoppers and caterpillars and keep them as pets.  But even during that time, I stayed the hell away from spiders.  All spiders were off limits, but none more than the daddy longlegs.  One of my earliest memories (if not the earliest) is of one of these gangly monstrosities.  I was playing outside in Prince George, British Columbia, and I really needed to pee.  I started to head inside, but between me and the door was a daddy longlegs.  I froze.  What was I going to do?  I needed to pee so bad that it was actually starting to leak out already and wet the front of my shorts (I was two years old at the time), but this creature was barring my way.  I stood there squeezing my legs together until my mother noticed me and came to see what my problem was.  (I don't remember exactly, but there may have been a "poor fool" lovingly thrown my way.)

The Deep End

I loved playing in water when I was young.  Still do, actually.  Some of my fondest childhood memories took place in a pool.  The shallow end of a pool.  I've been playing in water for as long as I can remember.  Pools, lakes, oceans, anything.  I learned how to actually swim when I was in the third grade.  I didn't venture into the deep end of the pool until my nemesis, Jake Heninger, shamed me into it when I was 13.  I've always been slightly claustrophobic, and suffocation is probably one of the worst ways I can imagine dying, so drowning is also high up on the list.  It was so bad that I was terrified of my own baptism when I was eight years old.  Today, I love swimming, and I'm disappointed whenever the pool's deep end is anything less than eight feet deep.  In the '80s, though, the deep end looked like nothing less than a watery grave.

Earwigs

Shudder!

I've never seen one of these in western Canada, but they were all over Nova Scotia.  Do I even need to explain why these things terrified me?  Hell, I'm still terrified of them!  Look at those pincers!  And it's called an earwig!  I've seen Star Trek II, and you can't tell me that this thing isn't waiting to crawl into my ear and burrow into my brain until I lose my free will.

Dead Woman From The Shining

I censored this one myself.  You're Welcome.

Much like Poltergeist, The Shining is another one of those movies I watched with the whole family in the early '80s.  The sight of this corpse cackling and shambling towards the camera fills me with terror to this very day.  No wonder Danny was catatonic after he went in room 237.

So there's my list of childhood fears.  It is by no means conclusive.  I didn't even mention Vera being swallowed up by the super computer and coming out a cyborg in Superman III.

Rock and a Hard Place Rewrite

UPDATE: I finished it

So I'm rewriting Rock and a Hard Place.  Originally, it was written by four of us.  The more serious (less silly?) scenes were written by Jilliane and Nancie, while Noah and I handled comedy.  This time around, it's just me, and I'm making it purely a comedy, one that'll probably make even less sense than the original.  Here are the first five scenes, which I just whipped up in about 15 minutes:

SCENE 1

Ted and Margot are sitting in their living room.  Ted is watching a documentary about mining while Margot is reading a book.

Phone rings.

MARGOT: If that’s my bookie, tell him I already broke my own legs.

TED: What have you been betting on this time?  (stands up and grabs the phone.)

MARGOT: Cock fights.

TED: Nice.  (answers phone.)  Hello?

FRANK: Listen carefully, Ted.  We don’t have much time.

TED: Frank?

FRANK: My name isn’t important.

TED: Important or not, your name is Frank.

FRANK: Stop saying my name!

TED: But why, Frank?

FRANK: (whispering) This line might be tapped!

TED: We’re middle management at a marketing firm, Frank, why would—?

FRANK: There’s not enough time!  I need to meet with you right away!

TED: Can’t we just talk about this on the phone, Frank?

FRANK: No!  Absolutely not! They’ll hear everything!

TED: Frank, you sound like a crazy person.  Also, it’s, like, 11:30.  I was going to go to bed as soon as my show was over.

FRANK: Can’t you just DVR it?

TED: I can’t DVR bed, Frank.  I don’t really care about the show.

FRANK: This is a matter of life and death, Ted!  I need you to meet me at midnight.

TED: Where?  My place or yours?

FRANK: Neither.  Meet me at…(pauses and looks straight at the camera)…the graveyard!

SCENE 2

Ted arrives at the graveyard.  There is no sign of Frank.

TED: Frank?  Hey, Frank!

Ted wanders around the deserted graveyard.  Frank is definitely not here.

TED: Fraaaaaaaaaaaank!  Where are you?

Ted sits on a bench and picks up a pebble.  He absentmindedly tosses it up and down in his hand.

TED: I’m totally punching you in the back of the head when I see you tomorrow, Frank.

Ted looks around some more, looks at the pebble in his hand.

TED: Stupid rock.

Ted throws the pebble away.  A cat shrieks off camera, and there is an explosion, also off camera.  Ted doesn’t react to either.  He gets in his car and leaves.

SCENE 3:

It’s the following morning.  Ted is sitting down to breakfast with Margot.  They’re both dressed for work.

MARGOT: So what did Frank want last night?

TED: The little dick-wiggler wasn’t there.  I don’t know what he wanted.  I’m punching him in the back of the head today.

MARGOT: That’s nice dear.

Ted finishes his breakfast and heads outside.  He stops when he notices a huge boulder on his lawn.

TED: Whaaaaaaa?  Pause as he examines it.  Hey Margot!  Margot!

MARGOT: comes outside.  What?

TED: points at rock

MARGOT: Oh, that.  What’s it for?

TED: I didn’t put it here.

MARGOT: Well, neither did I.

TED: Who did?

MARGOT: Probably your mom.  Look, I have to get to work.  Get rid of that thing; it’s ugly.

Skateboard Dude passes on the sidewalk.

SKATEBOARD DUDE: Nice rock, Ted.

TED: Your face is a nice rock, rock-face!  To Margot: I have to go to work, too.  I’ll deal with it when I get home.

Ted and Margot both leave.

SCENE 4

Ted’s place of work.  He sticks his head in Fran’s office door.

TED: Hey, Fran.  Have you seen Frank?  I need to punch him in the back of the head.

FRAN: Oh, haven’t you heard?

TED: Heard that Frank stood me up last night?  Yeah, I was there.

FRAN: No, not that.  Frank has gone missing!

Ted makes a comically surprised face.

SCENE 5

Ted enters his kitchen looking through his mail.  He notices a letter from the town, and opens it.

TED: (reading aloud) Dear Mr. Ted Stone: It has come to the attention of the Town of Rockwell bylaw enforcement department that you have recently placed a boulder in excess of 500 pounds on your property.  This is in direct violation to the town’s boulder control bylaw.  If you do not remove the boulder by Saturday of this week, you will be fined $600 and sentenced to death in the electric chair.

Ted sticks the letter to the fridge with the most cheerful magnet he has.  He picks up the phone and calls Trevor.

TREVOR: This is Trevor.

TED: The town is trying to kill me.

TREVOR: Did I say “Trevor”?  I meant, this is…uh…someone you don’t know, because you dialed the wrong number.

Trevor hangs up.  Ted dials his number again.

TREVOR: This is Trevor.

TED: This is Ted.  Why did you hang up on me?

TREVOR: Oh, was that you?

TED: Yes.  Don’t you have call display?

TREVOR: I disabled it.  Sorry man, I thought you were this other guy who the town’s trying to kill.  But I’m all, like, “Who isn’t the town trying to kill?”  Am I right?  Laughs.

TED: I wonder if that’s what happened to Frank.

TREVOR: Frank Zappa?

TED: No.  No, not Frank Zappa.

TREVOR: So why’s the town trying to kill you?

TED: I have a big rock on my lawn.

TREVOR: Bigger than 500 pounds?

TED: Yeah, I guess so.

TREVOR: That violates the Boulder Control Bylaw.  Why’d you do that?

TED: I didn’t do it.  It was there when I woke up this morning.

TREVOR: That won’t stop them from giving you the chair.

TED: How do you know so much about this bylaw?

TREVOR: shrugs

TED: pauses.  Did you just shrug?

TREVOR: Yeah.

TED: We’re on the phone.  How am I supposed to see you shrug.

TREVOR: shrugs again.  It worked, didn’t it?

TED: Look, what the heck am I supposed to do about this rock?

TREVOR: Don’t worry.  I know a guy.  I’ll give him a call and we’ll swing by your place to fix this up.

SCENE 6

Ted is standing in his yard prodding the rock with his foot.  A beat-up truck parks in front of the yard.  A sign on the door reads “Garry’s Rock Removal.  Garry Rockremover, Proprietor.  ‘You can take this rock and remove it!’”  Garry and Trevor exit the truck and approach Ted.

TREVOR: Hey, Ted.  This is Garry.  He’s a rock remover.

TED: Hi, Garry.  I’m Ted.  Extends his hand to shake with Garry.

GARRY: ignoring Ted’s hand.  I know who you are.

TED:  Oh.  Okay.  How?

GARRY: Trevor told me on the way over.  It’s basic courtesy to explain to your friend where you need him to go before you get there.  I’m surprised you didn’t know that.

TREVOR: points at a stone the size of a grapefruit in the flower garden.  Is this the rock here?

GARRY: Removing that rock will be the simplest of jobs.  Behold!  Garry picks up the rock and throws it at Skateboard Dude.  Skateboard Dude dies.

TED: No, it’s the big rock, there.  Points at the huge boulder.

TREVOR: This rock here?  You’re sure?

TED: Fairly sure.  99% confident, I’d say.  The town didn’t provide a picture, but I don’t think that other one was over 500 pounds.

GARRY: Perhaps not.  Turns his attention to the boulder.  Ah, this rock is more suited to my talents.  Truly, it is a worthy foe!  Licks the rock.  Igneous.   It spewed forth from an ancient volcano before man’s ancestors crawled out of the oceans onto dry land.

TED: How do you know that?

GARRY: I am a Rock Remover.

TREVOR: Do you think you could remove it, Garry?

GARRY: May my eyes rot and my tongue shrivel if I cannot.  I must examine her. 

Garry lays his body over the rock and slowly caresses it with his hands.  Trevor pulls Ted off to the side to let Garry work undisturbed.

TED: Where did you find this guy?

TREVOR: I’ve known him since high school.  He removed some rocks from my dad’s garden.  We’ve been good friends ever since.

TED: Good friends?  How come I’ve never met him?

TREVOR: Have you ever had any rocks professionally removed before?

TED: No.

TREVOR: That’s probably why you’ve never met him.

TED: But you said he’s your good friend.  I’m your best friend.  You’d think our paths would have crossed.  Or, at the very least, I would have heard you mention him.

TREVOR: My life doesn’t revolve around you, Ted.

GARRY: Yes!  YES!  Laughs ominously.  She is a feisty one, but I will be able to move her.

TED: Great.  She—it has to be gone by Saturday or the town is going to kill me.

GARRY: I will return tomorrow.  She and I will dance at dawn!  I will require you to pay before the work commences.

TED: Okay.  How much will it cost?

GARRY: Oh, this shall be an epic fight!  Man against nature!  Her rock-hard will against my iron determination!  I shall require cranes!  Minions!  Dynamite!

TED: Dynamite?

GARRY: Dynamite!  Cackles

TED: How much?

GARRY: $500.

TED: That seems reasonable.

GARRY: Payable only in solid platinum bars!

TREVOR: Sounds good, Garry.  We’ll see you tomo—

TED: Wait, wait, wait.  Hold on a second.  I have a question.

TREVOR: Really?  Seems pretty straight forward to me.

TED: Where am I supposed to get platinum bars?  Can’t I just use Interac?

GARRY: I cannot afford the wireless terminals.

TED: Cash, then?

GARRY: laughs.  By the gods, no!  Only the cold caress of platinum will slate my thirst for riches!  None of your paper notes will be worth anything once I pull down society with the help of my legions of…well…I’ve said too much already.

TREVOR: Glad we cleared that up.  See you tomorrow, Garry.  Ted will have the platinum waiting.

TED: But…

TREVOR: Ted, this is serious.  You have a rock on the lawn.  Just run down to the platinum store and buy some platinum bars.

GARRY: $500 worth of platinum bars, don’t forget.

TED: Shut up, you!  Pauses.  To Trevor: There’s a platinum store in town?

TREVOR: shrugs.  I don’t know.  Probably.

SCENE 7

That evening, after dark, Ted looks out his window at the rock.  The rock glows.

TED: Your days are numbered, rock!  Pause.  The number is one.  Pauses again to look at his watch.  Well, ten hours, really.  So that’s, what?  0.417 days, rounded to the nearest thousandth.

The rock glows a little brighter.

TED: Stupid rock.

SCENE 8

The next day. Close-up of the newspaper on Ted’s front step.  The headline reads “Garry Rockremover, Beloved Rock Remover, Dead.”  There is a picture of Garry with the story.  Ted comes outside and picks up the paper.  He reads the headline.

TED: B-b-but…what do I do with all this stupid platinum now?

Ted throws the paper down in disgust.  He walks up to the rock and tries to push it, but it’s too heavy.  He tries to use a shovel as a lever, but it doesn’t work.  He gives up and walks away.

SCENE 9

Ted walks into town hall.  He approaches the clerk at the desk.

CLERK: What?

TED: Hi.  I got this letter from the town yesterday.  Holds up letter.

CLERK: So?

TED: So it says that I’m in violation of the Boulder Control Bylaw.

CLERK: And?

TED: And it says that if I don’t move it by this Saturday, I’ll be fined $600 and sentenced to death in the electric chair.

CLERK: Rolling eyes. Soooooooo whaaaaaaaaaaat?

TED: Don’t you think $600 is a little steep?  It’s just a rock.

CLERK: Slams fist on the counter.  Just a rock?  JUST a rock?!  Who do you think you are, coming in here and making light of the Boulder Control Bylaw?!  You’re lucky the fine isn’t $650!

TED: No, no, no.  Don’t do that.  I just have a problem, is all.

CLERK: You think you have problems?  Try being a municipal clerk someday!  I’ve seen things that would make your hair turn white and your balls suck right back up into your body cavity, man!

TED: My…balls?

CLERK: So don’t you tell me about your problems!  You put a rock on your lawn, and now you have to suffer the consequences.  Move the rock!  You have until noon tomorrow!

TED: But my rock remover died, and it’s too heavy for me to move it myself.

CLERK: in a high, mocking voice.  But my rock remover died, and boo-hoo-hoo!  In a normal voice.  Tell me, Mr. Stone, have you ever been to a town council budget meeting?

TED: No.  What does that have to do with anything?

CLERK: If you can survive one of those, I might put up with your whining.  No one should see interns die like that.  NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DIE LIKE THAT!

TED: How am I supposed to move the rock without a rock remover?  I can pay the $600 if I absolutely have to.  I don’t like the sounds of the electric chair, though.

CLERK: You wouldn’t.

TED: What’s up with that, anyway?  I mean, this is Canada.  Where did you even get an electric chair?

CLERK: K-Mart.  Ever think of that, smart-guy?

TED: All this for a rock?

CLERK: If we forgive your violation of the bylaw, pretty soon everyone will have a boulder on their lawn.  And then we’ll have to kill them all.  We’ll have to kill the whole world!  Is that what you want, Stone?!

TED: But—

CLERK: Pay up, man!  Pay up and die like a man!

TED: starts walking away.  I’ll figure something out.

CLERK: leans over the counter to get a better view at the leaving Ted.  You’re going to the chair, man!  THE CHAIR!

Ted leaves the town office.

SCENE 10

A shot of the rock on Ted’s lawn.  Ted comes running and screaming into the shot.  He kicks beats at the rock, kicking and punching, but is rewarded with nothing more than bloody knuckles and sore feet.  Ted runs out of the shot and returns after a moment with a hammer.  He beats the rock with the hammer, but still nothing happens.  Ted runs off again, and returns with an axe.  He beats on the rock with the axe, but it has no effect.  Ted leaves the shot again.  After a moment, his car drives in and crashes into the rock.  No effect.  Ted crawls out of the driver’s seat and collapses, exhausted, beside the rock.

SCENE 11

Ted is slouched over on his sofa in his living room.  There is a ring at the doorbell.  Ted gets up and answers the door.  There is only a cat at the door.

TED: Hello.

CAT: Hey, man.  You gonna let me in, or what?

TED: Sure.  Come on in, I guess.

Ted and the cat walk back to the living room.  Ted sits on the sofa, and the cat perches on the end table next to him.

CAT: So you got any weed, man?

TED: Weed?

CAT: Yeah, weed.

TED: You mean, like, marijuana?

CAT: No, I mean thistles.  I like how they get caught in my fur.  Of course I mean marijuana!

TED: I think my wife might have some, but I don’t know where she hides it.  She’d kill me if I took some, anyway.

CAT: makes a whipping noise.

TED: Yeah, whatever.  Why are you here, anyway?  Who are you?

CAT: Geez, man, why you such a downer?  With a beautiful rock like that outside, you should be the happiest guy in town!

TED: Don’t get me started on the rock!  It’s been nothing but a headache since it showed up!

CAT: A boulder like that?  How could it be trouble?

TED: The thing’s gonna cost me $600 in fines!  And death in the electric chair.

CAT: $600?  Over a rock?  Humans are weird.

TED: Tell me about it.  I wish I were a cat.

CAT: Oh man!  Being a cat is so sweet!  The world is my toilet!  I have to poop in a sandbox when I’m inside, but my human takes it away!  I don’t have to touch it!

TED: That’s the life for me.

CAT: But, hey, chin up, man.  You’ll pull through this rock crisis.

TED: How?

CAT: Look, I’m not a details guy.  You’ll have to figure it out on your own.  I’m just telling you nice things so you’ll stop moping.

TED: mopishly.  Okay.

Margot enters.

MARGOT: Who are you talking to, Ted?

Ted points at the cat.

TED: This cat.  Sorry, I never got your name.

CAT: Meow.

MARGOT: Have you been smoking my pot?  I told you to keep your filthy hands off it!  If you want some, get your own!

TED: I didn’t touch your pot.  I’m telling you, the cat was talking!

CAT: Hey, leave me out of this.

MARGOT: That’s so cool!  I’m pretty sure this is my cat.  You can’t have him, Ted.

CAT: Listen, lady, I’m just looking for a little weed of my own.  If you ain’t sharing, I’ll be on my way.  Nice rock, by the way.  Who’s your rock guy?

MARGOT: Ted, I thought I told you to get rid of that hideous rock!  Why is it still out there!  We can’t afford the $600 fine!

CAT: I, uh…I’m gonna go.  Leaves.

TED: I hired a guy to remove it, but he was murdered last night.

MARGOT: If you were a real man, you’d move it yourself!

TED: It weighs a ton.  A literal ton.  At least.

MARGOT: Well, how was the Rock Remover going to get rid of it?

TED: Dynamite, cranes, and I think he said minions.

MARGOT: Well?  Why can’t you do that?

TED: Where am I going to get Dynamite, cranes, and minions?  I guess I could get Trevor to be minion, but Frank disappeared, and those were my only two close friends.  And I don’t even know where to start finding dynamite.

MARGOT: Too bad you can’t use lame excuses to blow up the rock.

TED: Look, what do you want me to do?  You don’t have any dynamite tucked into your hidden marijuana stash, do you?

MARGOT: I want you to sac up and get to work instead of moping around the house talking to your little cat friends.

TED: Right.  Why should I talk to cats when I have a bitch here all the time.

Margot punches Ted in the face.  Ted collapses.

MARGOT: I want that rock gone by morning, or the town’s penalty will be the least of your worries.

Ted stands up and grabs his car keys.

TED: I need some fresh air.

Ted leaves the house.

SCENE  12

Ted gets into his car and turns it on.  He switches on the radio.  “We Will Rock You” by Queen is playing.  He changes the station in disgust.  The next station is playing “We Built This City (On Rock and Roll)” by Starship.  He changes the station again, and “Like a Stone” by Audioslave is playing.  He changes the station once more, and “Like a Rock” by Bob Seger is playing.

TED: I give up!

Ted leaves the radio on “Like a Rock” and starts driving around town.  “Like a Rock” plays in the background for the remainder of the scene.  As he drives, he sees rocks everywhere.  Some are actual rocks around town (but not on lawns, so they don’t violate the bylaw).  Others are signs with the word “rock” on them.  He stops at a park and gets out of the car.  He sits on a bench next to a stranger eating ice cream.

STRANGER: Welcome to my humble bench.

TED: Thanks, it’s nice.

STRANGER: Would you be offended if I were to offer you a taste of my ice cream?

TED: No, I wouldn’t.

STRANGER: Holds out ice cream.  By all means.  Be my guest.

TED: Takes the ice cream cup.  What flavor is it?

STRANGER: Rocky Road.

Ted bellows and throws the cup off camera.

STRANGER: Hey!  Runs after the cup.

SCENE 13

Ted arrives at home.  He walks up to the rock and paces around it while he speaks.

TED: Still here, I see.  I don’t suppose I should be surprised by that.  It’s not like you’re just going to grow legs and walk away.  Of course, I met a talking cat today, so who knows what’s possible?  My wife punched me today, too, but that wasn’t a huge surprise.  I’ve been expecting it since the day I met her.  I’m surprised that it took her so long.  Pause.  I don’t get it, Rock.  Why did you choose me?  Why my lawn out of all the lawns in town?  Look at me; I’m talking to you as if you’re alive and not just a hunk of inanimate minerals.  Where did you even come from?  Are you a meteorite?  Did someone drop you here as a prank?  You’d think that, either way, I would’ve heard something.  And a meteor as big as you would probably have left a huge crater.  So no, you’re not a meteorite.  But who put you here?  And why?  It must be some sort of weird conspiracy.  Someone wants me dead, and this is their roundabout way of killing me.  Dump a rock on my lawn that is large enough that there’s no hope of me moving it alone, knowing that the town would enforce the Boulder Control by law, and then kill the only man in town who can remove it.  Frank must have known.  He was trying to warn me the night he disappeared.  He’s probably in a shallow grave somewhere.

Ted stops pacing and places his hands on the rock.

TED: You’re cold.  Cold like the town.  Cold like my life.  Garry Rockremover said you came from a volcano, but the heat of your fiery birth has long since left you.  You’re ancient.  How many millennia have you witnessed?  How many more to come?  Me, my short days will come to an end tomorrow.  After I pay my fine, I’ll be embraced by the harsh kiss of electricity.

The front door of the house opens.  Margot sticks her head out.

MARGOT: Hey, Ted!

TED: He doesn’t turn to face her.  Yes, Margot?

MARGOT: You’re talking to a rock.

TED: Yes, Margot.

MARGOT: Just thought you should know.

TED: Thank you.

Margot goes back inside and closes the door.  Ted kneels down beside the rock, his hands still touching it.

TED: This is it.  My last night.  You win, Rock.  He lies on the ground beside the rock.  You win.  Weakly sings a line from the Bob Seger song: Like a rock.  Oh, like a rock.

SCENE 14

The next morning.  Ted is sleeping in the same spot, but the rock is gone.  Ted wakes up, and notices that the rock is gone.  He stands and stares silently at the spot on the ground where the rock had been.  Margot approaches and joins him.  Trevor arrives and looks on with them.  The municipal clerk joins them.  Finally, Skateboard Dude joins them.  He’s wearing the same clothes from the day Garry hit him with the rock, and blood is covering his face from a gash in his forehead.  He is unsteady on his feet, but he looks at the ground where the rock was with the same serious calm that the others do.

SKATEBOARD DUDE: Completely deadpan.  This all totally made sense.

THE END

Mike Mix 2011

Update: I added "Shop Vac" by Jonathon Coulton.

It was looking like MiKenzie, Inc. wasn't going to release a Mike Mix for 2011, but they farted one out in the last week of the year.  This is also the first Mike Mix to be released in an exclusively digital format.  I suppose that's okay, considering that I can hook my iPod up to my new car.  Also, I'm pretty sure Mike Mix 2011 breaks a record for the most songs falling under the rule 34.iv(c) ammendement ("if MiKenzie Incorporated acquires two separate albums by the same source artist/band, one song from each album may be used."  So, let's get to it, shall we.  Once again, I've provided links to videos of each song.


(Note: you'll recognize a few of these tracks from my last entry about indie rock.)


Track 1: "Midnight City" by M83
Or, as I like to call it, "Strength of Thought With Children."  A bit of a departure for Mike Mix Productions.  The song reminds me of "Silent Running" by Mike & the Mechanics, but I can't really say why.  Silent Running doesn't even have a saxophone in it!  Brains are weird.


Track 2: "I'm a Robot" by Weezer
The obligatory Weezer track.  Not that I'm complaining.  This is from Weezer's "Death to False Metal" CD, which is basically a compilation of songs that never made the cut for the final versions of actual Weezer albums.  "I'm a Robot" is a bouncy, happy song about an alcoholic white collar suburban family man.  My five-year-old son loves to sing along with the chorus.


Track 3: "The Devil & The Dove" by Sarah Slean
Sarah Slean released a double album in 2011 called "Land & Sea."  Land featured your basic Sarah Slean music.  Sea featured Sarah being backed up by an orchestra.  "The Devil & The Dove" is from Sea, and it's a very beautiful song.  My apologies for a complete lack of humour for this entry.  I also apologize for the lack of video.  Couldn't find one.


Track 4: "Shallow's Low" by Matthew Good
(The link is for a crappy recording of a live performance, but it gets the idea across.)  While Weezer is my favourite band, Matthew Good is my favourite solo artist.  That's pretty odd when you think about it, considering how different the two are.  Let me tell you the biggest difference between Weezer and Matt Good.  They both debuted in the '90s, when I was a teenager.  Weezer remaind the same solid band for a decade, and then started getting a little silly and juvenile.  Matt Good, on the other hand, has been maturing artistically as I've gotten older.  His music has been changing to suit my aging taste in music over the years.  "Shallow's Low" is an excellent example of this.  19-year-old me (I first heard of Matt Good in 1997) wouldn't really like this song.


Track 5: "Know Your Quarry" by Biffy Clyro
This isn't Scottish band Biffy Clyro's first appearance on a Mike Mix, but it's been a few years.  This song is another example of how old I'm getting.  There were a lot of songs on "Only Revolutions" that were pretty fast and heavy, and I went for the soulful ballad.  And my second choice from the album would have been "Many of Horror."


Track 6: "Rows of Houses" by Dan Mangan
This is probably my favourite song right now.  I wrote about it plenty in my Indie Rock Quest post, so I won't go into great detail about it hear.  I need to buy more of his music.


Track 7: "Amen" by Sarah Slean
From Sea to Land.  It's more pop than the orchestral "The Devil & The Dove," but it's still a very beautiful, melodic song.  But still, MiKenzie missed a golden opportunity by neglecting to put on the Sarah Slean/Tupac Shakur duet version of "Amen."


Track 8: "Hang On" by Weezer
The second Weezer song on the album comes from their latest album, "Hurley."  As in Hurley from the TV show Lost.  It's a pretty song that stood out early for me when I first heard the album.  And, if the album liner is to be believe, Michael Cera provided back-up vocals and mandolin on this song.


Track 9: "Never Listen To Me" by The Thermals
You've probably never heard of The Thermals, but you should probably check them out.  I discovered them by chance at a listening station at HMV when I went to buy "Hurley."  Go check them out now.  I'll wait.  (The bassist is a woman, if you like that sort of thing.  Yeah, she uses a pick instead of the two-finger strum, but so did I for the brief period of my life when I played bass, so who am I to judge?)


Track 10: "Kissing Families" by Silversun Pickups
Mike Mix 2010 included a song from Silversun Pickups' most recent album, so of course MiKenzie puts on a song from their 2005 EP on Mike Mix 2011.  It's a pretty song, though.  Soft by Silversun Pickups standards.   There's even a cello in it.  And another female bassist!  Her back-up vocals are used nicely in this song, too.  She's also the star of this particular video.


Track 11: "I Am Disappeared" by Frank Turner
Another one from my Indie Rock Quest.  One of the heaviest songs on Mike Mix 2011, which isn't really saying much.  This is probably the mellowist Mike Mix to date.


Track 12: "Follow Me Down" by Ladies of the Canyon
You'll recognize this song from last year's Chick Mix III.  It's about as country as I get.  It's a good song, but it sticks out like a sore thumb with the other songs of MM11.


Track 13: "Rusted Wheel" by Silversun Pickups
This is from 2006's "Carnavas" album.  I think that exhausts Silversun Pickups library, so unless they release a new album in 2012, they shouldn't show up on Mike Mix 2012.


Track 14: "Lazy" by Freezepop
Freezepop makes their second appearance on a Mike Mix after appearing on MM08 with their song "Less Talk More Rokk," made famous by Guitar Hero 2.  It's a song about sleeping in and reminds me of my teens.


Track 15: "A Darkness Rises Up" by Broken Records
Another Scottish band.  That's two for this Mike Mix.  Not bad.  I spoke in length about this one with my Indie Rock Quest entry about how this song adds piano and violin nicely to a rock band.  Enjoy it.


Track 16: "The Sprawl II" by Arcade Fire
Yes, this is an Arcade Fire song.  I know the lead singer is usually a man, but this is still a great song.  Arcade Fire is one of those bands that I've always known I would like if I paid more attention to them, but for some reason, I haven't paid much attention to them.  Why haven't I paid them more attention?  Why?


So that's it.  17 tracks this time, now that I added "Shop Vac."

My Indie Rock Quest

Yesterday on Facebook, I declared that I was going on a quest to find good indie rock that I wasn't familiar with.  I used to be kind of a music snob (no, not a hipster), but in recent years, my finger has slipped from the pulse of good music, and I've been drowning in a sea of crap, clinging fondly to the music of my youth and early adulthood.  So here's some of what I found on my little quest.  Some of it is more indie than others, and some of it is more rock than others, but it's all good.  My special thanks to Indie Rock Cafe and George Stroumboulopolous.

"The Creature" by Kurt Vile


Mr. Vile is a guitarist from Philadelphia.  This song isn't typical of my own personal taste, but I like the acoustic riff, and the sadness of the piece.

"Shell Games" by Bright Eyes


I was already familiar with Bright Eyes ("Bowl of Oranges" and "Four Winds" were each on past releases of Mike Mix), but I hadn't heard this song before last night.

"A Darkness Rises Up" by Broken Records


Broken Records hail from Scotland.  This song is almost a perfect example of the kind of music I enjoy now that I'm in my 30s.  Fast and catchy, but not heavy.  Vocals with just the right amount of emotion.  Typical rock band set up (lead guitar, rhythm guitar, bass guitar, drums) augmented with piano and strings.

"Equestrian" by US Royalty


These guys are from Washington, DC.  Not much to say about this song, other than that it's just nice.

"It's Real" by Real Estate


This song, by a band from New Jersey, is actually quite similar to US Royalty's "Equestrian."

"It" by Rich Aucoin


Not only is this an awesome song that kind of reminds me of Arcade Fire, but it's also an awesome video in which he recreates scenes from some of his favourite movies.  Rich is based out of Halifax.

"Rows of Houses" by Dan Mangan


From Rich Aucoin in Halifax, we move to Dan Mangan from Vancouver.  Stylistically, quite different from some of the songs on this list.  Crunchy is the word that comes to mind, mostly due to Dan's vocals.  I haven't studied the lyrics, but judging by the video, it's a song about urban sprawl.  I really, really like this song.

"Beggar in the Morning" by the Barr Brothers


The Barr Brothers are based out of Montreal.  One of the more mellow songs on this list, but not the mellowist.

"Midnight City" by M83


Another one that's a departure from my usual taste; however, the video looks like the type of story I'd write.  M83 (named after the Messier 83 galaxy) are from France.

"Holocene" by Bon Iver


This effing video almost made me cry.  The song itself is beautiful and melancholy, but combined with the video, I wanted to just curl up in a ball and weep.  It's a young boy walking alone through a beautiful countryside, until the end when he just lays down in black sand and goes to sleep.  And I keep seeing Kenny in place of the boy in the video.

"I Am Disappeared" by Frank Turner

This song, by England's Frank Turner, just kicks all sorts of ass.  It just keeps building into a powerful song.

So that's all I'll share for now.  What are your thoughts?  Any recommendations for me to check out?  I'd love to hear from you on the subject.

A Rock and a Hard Place

The cast of "A Rock and a Hard Place" do their best impersonation of an album cover

In 2003, CS Media made two short films.  The first was the psychological thriller, "Raymond Rock Murders."  The second was "A Rock and a Hard Place," a film that defies being labelled with a genre.  "A Rock and a Hard Place" has recently been re-released on YouTube.  It has an all-star cast: Noah Heninger as Trevor; Mike MacKenzie as Frank and "Skateboard Dude"; Cassidy Silbernagel as Ted, the star of the movie; Davis Yawney as Gary Rock Remover; Jilliane Yawney as Margot; and the versatile Nancie ZoBell as Ted's Co-worker, Trevor's girlfriend, "Townhall Spaz," Voice of the Fish, and "Bum on a Park Bench."

Wait, did I say Mike MacKenzie?  Oh, shoot, I did.  I guess I was in this movie.  I suppose I'll drop the façade of being a detached party reviewing a movie that I stumbled across, much like I do with Mike Mix Productions, and just tell the story of how and why, for the love of God, why this movie was made.

First off, the goods for if you missed it on Facebook:




It all started in the spring of 2003.  I was a swingin' bachelor living with Noah and Stephen Fyfe in a crappy basement apartment in Lethbridge.  Stephen was cool and a great friend, but he seldom joined us in our artistic ventures (he was my jock friend), so he will not factor much into the rest of this story.  (Fun fact: Stephen has a brief cameo in the film that makes no sense due to a casting change.  See if you can spot it!)  Anyway, at the time, Noah and I were hanging out a lot with our friends Jilliane "Don't Call Me Jill" Yawney and Nancie ZoBell.  Jilliane decided one day that she wanted to make a movie with us, and came up with the idea of a man who wakes up one morning to find a huge rock on his front lawn, and the problems it brings into his life.  We spent an evening together plotting it out, coming up with characters, and deciding who would write what.  All four of us (me, Noah, Jilliane, and Nancie) took on writing duties, dividing it up by scene.  We wanted it to be half comedy, half drama.  Noah and I wrote most of the funny scenes (although one of Noah's best was cut from the movie).  The two scenes of mine that I liked best were the opening scene with Frank calling Ted, and the scene with Gary the Rock Remover.

The original script was more ambitious than the final product turned out to be.  Ted's extended family was involved in the story.  They were skilfully written by Noah, but we just didn't have the ability to get enough willing actors together to film that scene.  Ted and Margot also had a son, who was basically there to be a spoof of all of the horror movies of the era that featured creepy little kids talking about creepy things.  I even wrote him saying "I see dead people" in one of the scenes.  The son was written out when we realized that none of us had easy access to a pre-adolescent boy.

My biggest disappointment with the final cut of the movie was my own fault.  After shooting one or two scenes, I left southern Alberta to work in Fort McMurray, and then Edmonton.  Most of the film was shot while I was up north.  I had planned to direct the scenes that I had written, but that was impossible because of my absence.  Also, while I was gone, Noah seemed to lose interest and gave up a lot of creative control to Jilliane and her boyfriend/co-star Cassidy.  I don't mean any disrespect to Jilliane and Cassidy.  They did a good job with a lot of filming, and Cassidy took on the job of editing the whole thing on his own.  Their comedic timing, however, was a little off.  The scene in the movie that was my beloved baby was the one where Ted meets with Trevor and Gary the Rock Remover.  From the start, I wanted to direct it myself and help with the editing so that it would be as close to what was in my head as possible.  They filmed it while I was gone, however, and it came out too long, too slow, and too quiet.  It should have been fast-paced dialogue, quick cuts between characters, and acted more lively.  I don't know how much better I could have pulled it off, but to this day I always cringe whenever I get to that scene in the movie.

I played two small roles in the film: Frank and Ted's neighbour, who we only referred to as "Skateboard Dude."  Some people, when they watch the movie, don't realize that my characters are two completely different people.  They are.  You can tell because of the sunglasses and backwards hat.

It's an objectively terrible movie, but it will always have a special place in my heart as the one scripted movie I ever had a hand in making.


PS - Did you spot Stephen?  He was on the front page of the paper reporting on Gary's death.  He was originally cast to be Gary, but then he went and got engaged and suddenly didn't have time to make stupid movies.

PPS - My favourite moments:
1. Frank turning to face the camera to say "...the graveyard!"
2. When Ted is at the graveyard, he throws a pebble, and you can hear it strike a light post.  It was completely accidental, but I insisted that it remain in the final cut.
3. Trevor holding his phone a good six inches away from his ear.
4. Skateboard Dude is in the final shot of the movie, as if he's important.

Doppelganger? More Like Notpelganger! Am I Right?

I have been told, much to my chagrin, that I look like Kevin Smith.  The reason I think this occurs is because we're both fat white guys with dark hair and beards.  That's like saying all Asian people look the same.  Why are you all so racist?

Sure, there are similarities.  I'll admit that.  The above-mentioned fat whiteness with dark hair and beards.  The affinity for the Edmonton Oilers.  The love of writing (one of us is more successful at this than the other).  The love of comic books.  But, in other areas, especially in the physical areas, there are many differences.  for one thing, I have beautiful blue eyes, while Mr. Smith has common brown eyes.  Brown, of course, being the colour of dirt, while blue is the colour of the clear sky.  Also, look again at the pictures at the top of this article.  I have a longer face than Kevin Smith does.  And it's hard to tell with our beards, but I have a cleft chin, and I'm pretty sure Kevin doesn't.  At the very least, it's not as prominent as mine.  And let's not forget the biggest difference of them all:

My famous underjet.  Note Kevin Smith's teeth in that picture.  The top teeth are in front of the bottom teeth, as is the norm.  Now look at my teeth.  The bottom teeth are in front of the top teeth.  Yes, everyone can make that face if they try, but it is my default setting.  It is physically impossible (short of grievously injuring myself) to put my top teeth in front of my bottom teeth.  Big difference there, guys.  Surprised you missed it.

Now let's take a closer look at my ruggedly handsome face (you're welcome):

A prominent mole next to my nose, and scars from juvenile shingles on my forehead.  Aside from my jaw, these are probably the most distinguishing features on my face.  And they are notably absent from Kevin Smith's face.  I apologize for the lack of extreme close-ups of Smith's face.  Take it up with Google image search.

In closing, I'd just like to say happy birthday to my father.  Or "Kevin Smith if he were clean-shaven and in his 60s," as I'm sure most of you like to call him.

I Admit It

Click to enlarge:

Click to enlarge:

This next one has A LOT of foal foul language, but it is hilarious: