Monday, December 31, 2012

2013 Predictions and Resolutions

I'm spending New Year's Eve working from 7:00 pm until 3:00 am.  Woo!  Party!  I can't really complain, though.  I got Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, which my boss had to work on his own, so it's only fair that I let him go out and get drunk tonight.  It's not like I was going to get drunk, anyway.  Woo!  Mormonism!

So here's what I'm gonna do.  I'mma make some predictions and resolutions for the coming year.  I haven't planned them out ahead of time, because the world was supposed to end ten days ago, but I'll give it my best shot.


1. After the remainder of the season is cancelled, the NHL will fire Gary Bettman, and the NHLPA will fire Donald Fehr.  The two of them will then fight each other to the death with their bare hands.  Bettman will win, but at the moment of victory, when it's too late to bring Fehr back to life, he will realize that he was in love with Don and weep bitter tears.

2. The Beatles will reunite for one last tour.

3. The Edmonton Oilers will win the draft lottery, leading to them picking first overall for the fourth year in a row.

4. Apple will release two new iPads, a new iPhone, and sue four of their competitors.

5. The Internet will gain sentience.  Computers all over the globe will weep and scream, "I'm a monster!" in unison.

6. A 13th month will be added to the calendar.  Immediately, someone will find a new prediction by Nostradamus and interpret it to mean that the world will end on Megacember 13, 2013 (13/13/13).

7. No babies will be born all year.  Anywhere.  None.


1. Blog at least twice a month.

2. Gain 50 pounds.

3. Play more video games.

4. Take up smoking.

5. Nap for two hours every shift at work.

6. Enslave an arbitrary group of people.

7. Force myself to become left-handed.

1 comment:

  1. 1. On the last Thursday of every month, I'll remind you about your resolution to blog twice a month.

    7. You know you just want to do this so you can say "I know something you don't know. I am not left-handed!"

    8. You should make a resolution to quit smoking. Or do it next year.


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