Those who know me well know that I love Christmas. I always have, and I always will. Even as a teenager who loved sleeping until noon or later, I would wake up at 6:00 Christmas morning. These days, I wake my kids up on Christmas, which is sweet vengeance for every other day of the year. I love Christmas, and I love Christmas songs.
But not all Christmas songs.
The songs I love the most are the classics. The religious carols, like "The First Noel" and "Angels We Have Heard On High." I also like the secular classics. Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas." The Osmonds singing "I'll Be Home For Christmas."
The following Christmas songs can lick Santa's butt:
Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
One of the Beatles made this horrendous abomination of a song. One of the good Beatles! The synthesizer is annoying, and the jolly up-and-down beat of the chorus sounds ridiculous. This is the same man who was one of the driving forces behind such albums as Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band?
Last Christmas - Wham!
A lot of "musicians" have covered this song, but Wham! is to blame for it's popularity. I'm pretty sure their version is the original, but I'm too lazy to research it. Despite its age (1984), I first heard this song in the Philippines in 1999. There are some great Filipino bands, but the country also excels at annoying, derivative pop music written in simplistic English. When I first heard this song, I said, "Man, I hate Filipino pop music! It's bad enough that I'm sweating in December, they have to further ruin Christmas with this awful tripe!" Then I was told that it was George Michaels singing. "Well, he sucks, too." Two things bother me about this song. First, it's aggressively repetitive. I had the chorus memorized before the song was half over. Second, despite the title, it's not a Christmas song. It's a song about heartbreak that just coincidentally happened during the holidays.
Christmas Shoes - New Song
Patton Oswalt explains what's wrong with this song better than I ever could, so just listen to what he has to say about it:
Grown-up Christmas List - Amy Grant
This song was originally composed by David Foster and performed by Natalie Cole (I wouldn't research last Christmas, but I'd research this one for some reason), but the Amy Grant version is the one I've heard most on the radio. Others have covered it, but every version equally sucks. Musically, the song is best summed up by the word "bland." Seriously, the song is so boring it makes me angry. Lyrically, the song is so naive and aggressively sugary that I go into a diabetic coma listening to it. I'm not even a diabetic (yet)! If you're not familiar with the song, and you don't want to punish yourself by listening to it, let me sum up what it's saying: "Hi, Santa, I used to ask you for presents when I was a kid, but now I'm a grown-up (no, not an adult), and I'm so selfless that I want every problem (which I will over-simplify) in the world to go away. All of them!" I hate this Christmas song more than any other Christmas song.
"Santa Baby" All versions, but especially the one by Madonna. I hate Betty Boop-style sexualized cutesy-pieness.
"Christmas On The Radio" I don't know who sings it, but it's a song about other Christmas songs. The second verse is literally just the singer listing off famous Christmas songs.