Admiral Mike

Okay, I’m gonna bare my 15/16-year-old soul here.  It’s hard for me to look back at this time in 1993 and 1994 when I wrote my first novel.  I’ve mentioned the whole SuperBruno thing in other blogs, and some people who are close to me have seen the modern overhaul of my childhood fantasy (my Stormy Logan stories), but I’ve always been hesitant about sharing my first attempt at writing the story of the world I created for myself when I was eight or nine years old.  I recently read through the first (and only complete) draft of the story that I called Admiral Mike, and it was so bad that I started writing snarky comments in the margins to make fun of it.  That’s what this blog entry is about: my snarky comments.  Before I share them, though, I need to give some background on the overall story.  It’s about a fictional version of me, who gets superpowers in 1989 when I was 11, and so did my best friend, David Jones.  We grow up, have adventures, and at 16, I split into two people, one with superpowers, one without.  In the futuristic year of 2000, the me without powers joins the Army of Earth, which is a member of the Mars Federation of Planets.  By the way, there is life on every planet in the solar system, including Pluto, which hadn’t been demoted yet.  Anyway, aside from SuperBruno’s early adventures, the novel covers a 25-year-long war between Earth and Saturn (2001-2026), and chronicles the rise of me to the leader Earth’s military and government.  In short, it’s absolutely ridiculous.  So, without further ado, here are some passages from the novel written by a 15-year-old (plain type) and made fun of by a 34-year-old (italics):

(Wait, two more thing: about halfway through the writing the novel, I decided that, to avoid confusion, the normal me called himself Mike and the superhero me called himself Bruce.  And I’m leaving typos and grammatical errors intact.)

Bad as my writing was back then, it was better than my drawings.

[Mike] visited with the whole family until they all left for their own homes.  After they left [Mike’s parents’ 30^th anniversary party], Mike got in his car and drove to his parents’ house.  Where’s Bruce?  Shouldn’t he have been at this party?

*

“Hi,” Mike said, “You look great.”

“Thanks,” Angela said, “You look good, too.”

“Well, of course I do,” Mike said jokingly, “I can’t help looking good.”

Hi-larious!

Angela laughed and nudged him as they walked to the car.  Mike got in the driver’s side, then he reached over to the passenger’s side door, unlocked it and opened it for her to get in.  How chivalrous.

*

“It’s beautiful,” Angela said as she examined it.

“It had to be,” Mike said, “It wouldn’t have matched you if it hadn’t.”

Blaaaaargh!

*

A few minutes later, the phone rang.  His mother answered.  She said yes then looked at Mike and mouthed the words, “It’s SuperBruno.”  Really?  That’s what she calls her own son?

“Hi, Mike,” she said.  “And by Mike, I mean Bruce.”

*

SuperBruno and Mike could sense each other’s feelings because they were the same person.  Oh, of course.  Thanks for explaining.

*

“Boy, they sure are working you hard,” Mike said.

“I don’t mind it that much,” SuperBruno said, “It gives me something to do.”

“Well, good-bye,” Mike said.

“Bye.”

Most natural conversation EVER!

*

He turned the phone off and put it on his shelf next to the head he ripped off of the robot.  What robot?  He quickly changed into his costume.  It was now made of a special material that was tight and very strong.  You could see the muscles that had started to develop on his body very clearly.  Gross.

*

“He got a phone call from Dr. Sinclair [the bad guy].  He told David that he knew who he was and to meet him somewhere.  David left as SuperAndy (duh) without telling us where he was supposed to meet him.”  Dumb kid.

“Well,” SuperBruno said, “Thanks for your help.  I’m going out to look for him now.  Good-bye.”

“Good-bye,” Mrs. Jones said.  “My eight-year-old son is missing, but whatevs.”

*

“There was a fight,” the officer said, “It was between SuperAndy and a group of purple (obviously important information) robots.  Witnesses say SuperAndy was defeated and carried away.”

“Okay,” SuperBruno said, “Thank you for your help.”

“Beat up by robots, you say?  That’s cool, I guess.  No, no!  Don’t tell me which way they went!”

SuperBruno started to walk away, but the policeman called him back.  “The robot dragged SuperAndy into the harbor.  We have some men searching under water for him.”

“I said don’t tell me!”

*

He swam along the bottom.  The robot must have been very heavy, (as if it were made of metal, or something.)

*

There were pipes on the ceiling.  He flew up and grabbed a piece of pipe about two feet long.  Water started to spray out of the pipe after he had ripped the section out.  He squeezed on the open ends and the water stopped.  Wouldn’t want to damage the evil lair.

*

(Before this one, I just need to explain that Dr. Sinclair, the evil scientist who gave them their superpowers, also created a purple metal called sinclairium that negated their powers.  In this part, they are trapped in a cage made out of the stuff.)

“Look around,” SuperBruno said, “If we got a hold of one of those guns, we could break out of this cage and destroy the base.”

“We could destroy the base with a couple of guns?” SuperAndy said, a little confused.

SuperBruno sighed and looked at SuperAndy.  “We could blow the bars away with the guns,” Mike said, “And use the them to shoot the purple robots.  We could use ourselves to destroy the base.”

“Oh,” SuperAndy said.

SuperAndy is kinda dumb.

*

“Take off your cape,” SuperBruno said after a few seconds.

“What?” SuperAndy said, “Why?”  “I need it because of how useful it is!”

“Just give it to me,” SuperBruno said, “I have an idea.”

SuperAndy took off his cape and Handed it to Bruno.  SuperBruno took off his own cape and tied the two together.  He turned and looked out between the bars at the guns.  They were standing up in racks.  SuperBruno shot a laser beam from his eyes and it hit the top of the rack above one of the guns.  It fell forward.

“Oops,” said Dr. Sinclair.  “I forgot they could do that.”

“What are you doing?” SuperAndy asked.  SuperBruno didn’t answer.  He began to tie a loop at the end of the capes.  He then put his arm out of the cage and swung the looped end towards the gun.  He somehow (not even I, the author, know how he did it) managed to get the loop around the barrel of the gun and pull it over.

*

“Why did you put us in a room filled with powerful weapons?”  “And no video surveillance, or at least a guard?”

“I just wanted you to see my supplies,” Dr. Sinclair said, “They aren’t much yet, but you have to start somewhere when you want to take over the world.”  Motivation?  What’s that?

*

SuperBruno didn’t think Dr. Sinclair could take over the world.  He didn’t even think he could take over Canada.  Well, maybe Canada.

*

“You’ll be dead by the morning.  I’ll try to kill you as slowly as possible.  Sweet dreams!”  He left.  Kill them now, you stupid evil genius!

*

They started walking down a hall.  When they reached the fork, they turned right.  A group of four purple robots was walking towards them.  They turned and ran the other way because they forgot that they had guns.

*

SuperBruno carefully aimed his gun and fired.  A gun was knocked out of the hand of a woman.  Pretty good shot for an 11-year-old who has never handled a firearm before.

*

Dr. Sinclair’s submersible detached from the main base and floated away.  “I must leave now that my plan of bringing two superheroes to destroy my secret base is successful!”

*

In the hole that was about three inches deep, he could see the colour purple.  Good movie.

*

It was estimated that a total of 50 people were killed in the blast.  All of them were Dr. Sinclair’s followers, so fuck ‘em.

*

Mike and Angela were married on June 26, 2001 in the Mormon temple located in Cardston, Alberta.  Fun fact: in real life in June 2001, I was a security guard at a hospital, and my fiancée had dumped me two months previously.  Also, no aliens.

*

The interview went well and Angela passed the physical.  She started off as a private and was stationed at Earth Base 4 with Mike.  All in two sentences.

*

“Are you done with the laser welder?”  Alternate names: space welder, future welder.

“I’ll be done with it in a second, sir,” the technician said as he used it on something.  Don’t ask what.  “All right,” he said, “Here you go.”

Mike took it and welded something together that had been broken by a laser.  “I’m lucky this laser shot wasn’t a few inches over,” Mike said, “or I would have been blown away.”  It’s all very technical.  You wouldn’t understand.

*

“Well,” he said and got out of the engine.  He was IN the engine?

*

He kissed her on the mouth and put his arms around her.  No, not on her lips.  On her mouth.

*

“I just went over some papers and did some training with the people I’m in charge of.”  “What’s a platoon?”

*

“I think we should send spies over [to Saturn] to try to find out what they’re up to.”  I’m sure human spies would fit right in on Saturn.

*

Mike got the rest of his power suit on and was holding his helmet.  He bent over and kissed Angela on the mouth (again with the mouth kissing) as she was putting the right foot of her suit on.

“Good luck, Mike,” Angela said.  “I love you.”

“I love you, too, babe,” Mike said…That’s totally how I talk.

Admiral MacKenzie modelling a "power suit"

*

“Your parents are on their way down to see you,” Angela said, “I phoned them about an hour ago and told them [that you had been shot].  They seemed awfully worried.”  That’s how it SEEMED, anyway.

*

“You sure did surprise me,” SuperBruno said [to Mike], “I was working on something when all of a sudden, I felt a cramp in my stomach and my shoulder.  I take it that’s where you got shot.”  “I’m a real-life version of Superman, so I was working in a lab during an alien invasion.  Naturally.”

*

“The laser passed through your body without hitting any organs,” the doctor said.  How?  Just to be clear, he was shot dead-center in the gut.

*

“I’ll make sure he does what you say, Doctor,” Angela said, “He’ll probably try to go back to work two days after he’s out of here.  Maybe less.”  Apparently, I had forgotten how lazy I am when I wrote this.

*

“I’ll see you later,” Angela said after their lips had parted.  You mean, “after their MOUTHS had parted.”

*

When Mike woke up, he saw his dad looking down on him.  Creepy.  What the hell, Dad?

*

Five-star General Keller was Admiral Wilson’s second in command.  There was only one five-star general and only one admiral.  They were both elected by the people.  I didn’t know how the army worked when I was 15.

*

Mike shock [his hand] I thought shock was a typo the first time I saw it, but turns out I was just stupid.

*

“Thank you,” he said again and shoke the general’s hand once more.  Not quite.  Keep trying.

*

“Congratulations!” Lloyd said and patted Mike’s shoulder.  Mike winced.  “Oh, I’m sorry!” Lloyd said, “I forgot that you hurt your shoulder, too.”  “I thought the bandage was just to make you look bad-ass.”

*

Angela came over to Mike, smiling, and wrapped her arms around his neck.  Mike hugged her and kissed her ear (it was the closest body part to his mouth).  Just stop it.

*

“How are you feeling?” Amy asked.

“Everybody is asking me that,” Mike said.  It’s because you’re in the hospital, dumb-ass.

*

He ripped his shirt and pants off.  Hilarious out of context.

*

“Emoclew,” the short [Martian] said.  Dude, that’s just “welcome” backwards.  Lazy.

“I...uh…didn’t quite catch that,” SuperBruno said.  Very flippant response for meeting an alien for the first time.

*

He was becoming more and more confused.  You can tell cuz I just said so.

*

SuperBruno didn’t sleep that night.  He sat up watching his family as they slept and thought.  What were they thinking about? Misplaced modifier, FTW!

*

“Wait a minute,” Bruno said, “Are you saying that you were in the trance?”

“Yeah,” Andy said.

“That’s strange,” Bruno said, “Why wasn’t I?”

“You weren’t in the trance?”

“That’s what I said.”  Asshole.

*

“Wait a minute,” SuperBruno said, “Do we all shower in the same room?”

“Yes,” the alien said.  “This is the only shower room we have, so the men and women have to share it.  We do not want to take turns.  It would take to much time.”  The alien left.

The people just stood and looked around at first.  Then, one by one, they went to a shower and started to undress and hang their clothes on hooks on the walls.

Why?  Why is this happening?  What’s the point?

*

Something had happened to his brain.  Best line ever.

*

Some of the tall aliens aimed lasers at the group of people, the others started firing on the Martian guards.  Before the aliens could shoot the people, SuperAndy and SuperBruno charged them.  The guards were disarmed and thrown across the room before they knew what was happening.  The guards were disarmed?  Not the attackers?

*

“They were Saturnians,” the alien said.  “When we proposed that we test Earth to see if they are ready to join the Mars Federation, they objected.  No one knows why.”  And no one ever will.  I never explain it.

“Well,” SuperAndy said.  “I don’t think I like them very much.”  I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough.

Good-looking fella.

*

A large, flying bus (because it’s space) was waiting for them.

*

“Make your way back to the city,” an alien said.  The bus left.  “Nevermind the aliens who JUST TRIED TO KILL YOU!”

*

SuperBruno was so amazed that he was actually entering the atmosphere of Saturn that he forgot about where he was.  They left the clouds and SuperBruno saw a large city.  The buildings were all metallic and had tall towers.  There were small saucer shaped ships flying around and he saw vehicles travelling along roads.  Gas giants have solid ground, right?

*

“All I remember is being in pain.  That’s more than I want to remember.”

“Oh,” said SuperAndy.  They were silent for a minute.  SuperAndy finally said, “I better tell the doctors that you’re awake,” and he left the room.  Well, that was awkward.

*

On February 6, 1997, all the countries of Europe joined to form the country called Europe.  European Union?  No, that’s dumb.

*

To nights later, a Saturnian… “You wanna go to nights now?”  “No, let’s go to nights later.”

*

The alien yelled a few of the only Saturnian words that Admiral Wilson knew, and that I won’t repeat, and shot her in the head.  Surprise first person POV!  BAM!

*

Mike was shocked!  You can tell by the exclamation point.

*

“General Keller is the temporary admiral?” It was a statement more than a question.  Mike nodded.

“That’s awful,” Angela said.  “The assassination, not General Keller becoming admiral.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*

Something tall had jumped into the road and they hit it.  All Mike saw before they went spinning out of control was a tall, metal body clipped over the car when it hit.  He had a very bad feeling.  No shit.

*

“All right, this is what you’ll do,” Mike (from now on I’ll call him SuperBruno to avoid confusion) said.  Shut up, narrator; nobody cares about you.

*

“You’d be surprised by how many secret labs I have.”  We all would, Dr. Sinclair.

*

“NO!” SuperBruno yelled.  He jumped out of his chair, flew out the window and straight down after Christine.  He caught her and started flying back up.  Why back up?  Fly away from the bad guys!

*

As SuperBruno, he could withstand extreme heat and cold.  He had once been under water in the Arctic in the middle of winter.  Don’t forget freakin’ Mars!

*

He saw Angela sleeping on the couch in front of the TV wearing a bath robe.  Why is the TV wearing a bath robe?  Another misplaced modifier!  Yes!

*

On January 1, 2003…89 of the remaining two star generals were promoted to three stars, including Mike.  24 years old.

*

Mike got off the toilet and left the bathroom pulling his pants up.  I hope he wiped first.

*

Earth had won some battles against Saturn because of his strategies.  Awesome.  Superb writing.

*

[The energy sword] was a long blade that, when you pushed a button, it would glow red with a very powerful energy.  It could cut through almost anything.  It definitely was NOT a light saber.

*

The alien knelt, pinning Mike on the ground, and pulled out a knife.  Because screw light sabers.

*

Mike spun around and saw another alien charging him.  It was armed with an energy sword, a stun pole, and a spear.  He was a juggler.

*

After a few weeks of almost crushing hands when he shook…Hey!  You got it!

*

Jimmy was put to bed at 8:00 and Mike and Angela decided to go to bed early, too, but not for sleep.  For sex, I bet.

*

They weren’t tears of joy (in Mike’s mind, he saw Jimmy just a couple of days ago), but they were sad tears.  I sure did think my audience was stupid.

*

Mary [MacKenzie] was married to a nice guy who was really involved in sports (well, that much came true) named Grant Sanders.  Got the name wrong, though.  Damn my lack of ability to see the future!

*

“The person who I have the most trouble believing he’s so old is Jimmy.”  Winner of the most awkward syntax award.

*

This wasn’t here husband.  It was SuperBruno’s robot duplicate.  After SuperBruno had finished it, the [Earth Resistance Force] stole it and reprogrammed it.  What?  When?  Why is this the first time we’re hearing about this?  To be fair to past me, I wrote an entire chapter on that happening in the next draft of the novel.

*

“You can kill me if you want, but I won’t kill anyone in the army.”  “Civilians are fair game, though.”

*

“I’ll kill you!” it growled in an animalish voice.  Animalish?

And that’s about all I did that I can share without including huge sections of the book.

Dear Prime Minister (cc the motel I'm staying at)

So this lady checked into the motel a couple of weeks ago, and it wasn't long before she showed us that she was crazy.  It was little things mostly, like how she claimed that people no longer had to pay the Goods and Services Tax (GST).  We charged her GST for her stay, anyway.  Apparently, she wrote a letter to Stephen Harper, the Prime Minister of Canada, and gave us a copy of the letter for some reason.  It was, of course, a crazy letter, and I would like to share it with you now.  A note for any foreigners reading: "The Crown" refers to the government of Canada, which is technically the British monarchy.  When people say "The Crown" in Canada, it's like when Americans say "The People" in a legal context.  (If Larry Flynt had been from Canada, the movie about him would have been called "The Crown vs. Larry Flynt" instead of "The People vs. Larry Flynt.")

So anyway, here's the letter:

Hon. Prime Minister

Stephen Harper

Parliament Building

Ottawa, ON

Dear Prime Minister:

2011 Tax Year

There is something gravely wrong in our nation, Canada, and in our associated provinces and territories, and within the cities, towns, villages, and hamlets within each said province and territory.

I had written to CRA some weeks ago to clarify the legislative basis for the Government of Canada to require all citizens to file a tax return for 2011 tax year.  I wrote this letter for several reasons but have not yet had a reply.  The reasons include:

1.  There is something wrong – enormously wrong – when we cannot say that we are Canadian citizens within, let’s say, the province of Alberta and with the city of, let’s say, Lethbridge in that province.  Someone has drastically modified The Crown and its land base (all its territory) thereby impacting, that is, voiding all legislation previously approved and enacted by The Crown and being enforced by various entities and/or individuals of The Crown, whether employee or contractor or agent.

2.  Page 5 of the CRA (can’t say name because legislation and Crown have been so modified as to make CRA invalid and non-existent) General Income Tax and Benefit Guide 2011 says “you must file a tax return for 2011 in any of the following situations apply: we sent you a request to file a return…”  I did not receive a request from The Crown to file a return.

I waited and waited for a response to my letter to CRA; to date, I have not heard from them.  For that reason, I thought I had better start getting ready to submit a tax return.

Today, April 21, I’m looking at all the documentation (Guide, tax return, forms) that I picked up at CRA’s office and I discover other associated problems of a very practical nature arose as I attempt to do my tax return.

The 2011 Guide for the tax year states on page 1 that it’s “Government of Alberta Information for Residents of Alberta.  What’s new for 2011?”

I can’t say, can barely write Government of Alberta, meaning just like CRA, it does not exist as an appropriately approved entity of The Crown with an identifiable land base for citizens.

On page 2, the problems become further pronounced.  It states “Complete form AB428 if you were a resident of Alberta at the end of the year (see pg 1 for definition).”  Further, it states that if you had income from a business with a permanent establishment outside Alberta, complete form T2203.

Further, it states you also have to complete form AB428 if you were a non-resident of Canada in 2011…

Because The Crown is ill-defined for what was once our nation of Canada, the Constitution Act and all its amendments have placed all of us in a state where:

1.  we don’t know who The Crown is;

2.  we don’t know if we are citizens of a city within Alberta (or some place) within Canada;

3.  we don’t know what the defined land base (territory) is for the province of Alberta

4.  we don’t know what the defined land base (territory) is for the nation of Canada.

With respect to 3 and 4, I ask how then can we declare/certify that we were/are residents of Alberta within Canada?  How can we identify income from a business with a permanent establishment outside Alberta – I’m thinking all of our banking, financial, credit union, and investment income and returns – when we don’t know the defined (in law) land base (territory) for Canada?  And if we cannot define Canada’s land, what do we do with income and investments returns off shore and globally?

3.  As with 2, the government of Alberta is non-existent.

These changes that have been made without consultation and cooperation, along with a referendum put before the citizens, have grossly eroded everything we are and knew.  All entities incorporated are potentially at risk because the incorporated are potentially at risk because the incorporation act is null and void, and cannot easily be reinstated with a retroactive date due to so many other decisions and contracts and commitments that were put in place between the date that change occurred and April 21, about 3:15 pm – as I’m writing this letter.

I would ask you, Mr. Harper, who would have a good sense of all the changes and what was intended, to declare that 2011 tax year be a jubilee year for all citizens while appropriate actions are taken to rectify the VOID created by The Crown’s actions.

Courts of law in this land are still fining citizens, arresting them, jailing them, eroding their rights as though they are not impacted by the VOID created by The Crown.  This should not be happening!  We are degenerating into a state of chaos, and I can’t even say that we’re becoming an undeveloped third world country; it’s like we are no country at all.  Who owns us?  Who owns our land?  Our resources?  Why tax us in such a situation?  There is no legitimate legal basis to do so.  And then the practical question arises paying taxes: in what currency?  Who is authorizing legally the minting of what used to be the Canadian dollar?  If we make our cheques payable to Revenue Canada or the Minister of Finance, that position does not exist because The Crown has modified “itself” and the government of Alberta and the government of Canada and all its elected, appointed, and hired officials, including senators, are not our legal representatives and have no right to cash our cheques if taxes are owed.

I think all Albertans would be dismayed to read page 1 which seems to erode the medical expense allowances for spouse and children (other dependents).

When one combines the absence, that is the void created in our citizenship status anywhere in Canada, not just Alberta, along with the erosion of land, resources, and now medical expense allowances, I suggest you encourage the Minister of Finance, head of CRA to rush out an announcement forgiving everyone as there is no need to file a tax return for 2011 – it’s impossible to do so with the VOID in The Crown.  If necessary, consult with experts in Israel on how a Jubilee of the Lord works.

No one who lived in Canada in 2011 should have to file a tax return and there should be no repercussions to anyone now or in the future because we did not file a tax return in the VOID created.

Some suggestions:

1.  Communicate what went wrong constitutionally and what is necessary to restore to those of us born in Canada our Canadian citizenship, along with rights, benefits, privileges, and responsibilities.

2.  Clarify for all if the Incorporation is invalid, who owns the assets of all organizations, non-profits, banks, societies, businesses, trademarks, etc.  Risk has to be managed responsibly.

3.  Consider how to release some offenders from jail – those who are not a risk to all citizens, thereby returning a family member to his family.  Eliminate the issuance of unendorsed warrants because the courts [in what land base] are invalidly constituted.  Massive crime bills are not needed for the majority of citizens.  Ease up taking citizens’ monies in such a legislative void – really, the absence of law because The Crown has not rightfully and clearly said to all citizens that this is the land in question.  It really means all governments in Canada are operating illegally, outside the law.  And to top it all, we have not been told who owns all the resources in this land.  Some may know, not the majority, and so we have continued to pay taxes and fines from an illegally constituted Crown.

Given the above, what has happened to the wealth and health of all of us and why should we pay more taxes?  Who is receiving the remuneration?  Is it [the remuneration] being used for all citizens?  What liability has been created that will fall on the citizens to pay?

An urgent communiqué to ever resident, to every tax payer, is needed before April 30, 2012.

I trust you will take up these matters with The Crown and the Minister of Finance asap.

I look forward to hearing from you.  I am reluctant to file a tax return for 2011 in such a legislative void – outside the law.  When the government is invalid, its Ministers, legislation, tax returns, forms, agencies, departments, currency, land are also invalid.

And that's how the letter ended.  My most urgent question is this: what does she think happened that has rendered Canada a non-entity?  She talks about the changes of the Crown as if it's public knowledge, but it's something that she made up, and she never explains it.  What happened?  What created the VOID?  What did the Crown do?  Why did she give this letter to the staff of the small motel she was staying in?  Was it her justification for why she didn't want to pay the GST?

Things That Scared Me As A Child

I'm 34 years old, and as such, most of my fears are understandable.  I'm afraid for the safety of my family.  I'm afraid of my high blood pressure.  I'm afraid of Mitt Romney.  Even my "irrational" fears make some sort of sense.  Last summer, for instance, I discovered that bee stings hurt as much as I had always feared.  I don't often get scared by things I see in various entertainment media.  Horror movies and books don't scare me.  (Fun fact: my spell checker didn't recognize the word "movies."  I guess it wants me to say "motion pictures.")

As a child, my fears were much simpler, but much more interesting at the same time.  Here is a list of some of the things that scared little hyperferrianism:

Sweetums

Even Vincent Price is uneasy around him

I was born in 1978, so I watched the Muppet Show at a very young age.  I loved it.  Every kid loved it.  And what's not to love?  It was a bunch of fuzzy, colourful puppets doing kid-friendly sketch comedy.  There was just one problem for me, though, and that was the life-size muppets.  These ones were full-grown adults inside of costumes rather than the traditional hand-up-the-ass puppets.  They all made me uneasy, but Sweetums was by far the scariest.  I knew what the muppets were.  I knew that there was a hand inside making the mouth move.  Sweetums was a six-and-a-half foot tall ogre who was clearly walking around under his own power.  I was just waiting for him to up and eat Kermit.

The Clown From Poltergeist

If I had Photoshop, I'd replace the kid's face with my own.

Being the fifth kid of seven came with some interesting side effects.  One of those was being raised on R-rated movies.  Poltergeist came out in 1982, and my family got a VCR in maybe 1984 or 1985.  My oldest brother would have been 13 in 1985.  Watching a horror movie like this at the age of 13 isn't a big deal.  I, on the other hand, would have been 7.  As a whole, I did okay.  The guy pulling his own face off over the sink freaked me out a little, but what really did me in was that awful, awful clown doll.  I was unsettled by it early on in the movie, and when it came to life and tried to kill the little boy, I was filled with an unholy dread that made me forever hate clowns.  Seriously, screw clowns.

Daddy Longlegs

One of my earliest memories

There was a period of time in my early life when I would play with insects.  (That time, by the way, is long over.)  David Jones and I would catch grasshoppers and caterpillars and keep them as pets.  But even during that time, I stayed the hell away from spiders.  All spiders were off limits, but none more than the daddy longlegs.  One of my earliest memories (if not the earliest) is of one of these gangly monstrosities.  I was playing outside in Prince George, British Columbia, and I really needed to pee.  I started to head inside, but between me and the door was a daddy longlegs.  I froze.  What was I going to do?  I needed to pee so bad that it was actually starting to leak out already and wet the front of my shorts (I was two years old at the time), but this creature was barring my way.  I stood there squeezing my legs together until my mother noticed me and came to see what my problem was.  (I don't remember exactly, but there may have been a "poor fool" lovingly thrown my way.)

The Deep End

I loved playing in water when I was young.  Still do, actually.  Some of my fondest childhood memories took place in a pool.  The shallow end of a pool.  I've been playing in water for as long as I can remember.  Pools, lakes, oceans, anything.  I learned how to actually swim when I was in the third grade.  I didn't venture into the deep end of the pool until my nemesis, Jake Heninger, shamed me into it when I was 13.  I've always been slightly claustrophobic, and suffocation is probably one of the worst ways I can imagine dying, so drowning is also high up on the list.  It was so bad that I was terrified of my own baptism when I was eight years old.  Today, I love swimming, and I'm disappointed whenever the pool's deep end is anything less than eight feet deep.  In the '80s, though, the deep end looked like nothing less than a watery grave.

Earwigs

Shudder!

I've never seen one of these in western Canada, but they were all over Nova Scotia.  Do I even need to explain why these things terrified me?  Hell, I'm still terrified of them!  Look at those pincers!  And it's called an earwig!  I've seen Star Trek II, and you can't tell me that this thing isn't waiting to crawl into my ear and burrow into my brain until I lose my free will.

Dead Woman From The Shining

I censored this one myself.  You're Welcome.

Much like Poltergeist, The Shining is another one of those movies I watched with the whole family in the early '80s.  The sight of this corpse cackling and shambling towards the camera fills me with terror to this very day.  No wonder Danny was catatonic after he went in room 237.

So there's my list of childhood fears.  It is by no means conclusive.  I didn't even mention Vera being swallowed up by the super computer and coming out a cyborg in Superman III.

Rock and a Hard Place Rewrite

UPDATE: I finished it

So I'm rewriting Rock and a Hard Place.  Originally, it was written by four of us.  The more serious (less silly?) scenes were written by Jilliane and Nancie, while Noah and I handled comedy.  This time around, it's just me, and I'm making it purely a comedy, one that'll probably make even less sense than the original.  Here are the first five scenes, which I just whipped up in about 15 minutes:

SCENE 1

Ted and Margot are sitting in their living room.  Ted is watching a documentary about mining while Margot is reading a book.

Phone rings.

MARGOT: If that’s my bookie, tell him I already broke my own legs.

TED: What have you been betting on this time?  (stands up and grabs the phone.)

MARGOT: Cock fights.

TED: Nice.  (answers phone.)  Hello?

FRANK: Listen carefully, Ted.  We don’t have much time.

TED: Frank?

FRANK: My name isn’t important.

TED: Important or not, your name is Frank.

FRANK: Stop saying my name!

TED: But why, Frank?

FRANK: (whispering) This line might be tapped!

TED: We’re middle management at a marketing firm, Frank, why would—?

FRANK: There’s not enough time!  I need to meet with you right away!

TED: Can’t we just talk about this on the phone, Frank?

FRANK: No!  Absolutely not! They’ll hear everything!

TED: Frank, you sound like a crazy person.  Also, it’s, like, 11:30.  I was going to go to bed as soon as my show was over.

FRANK: Can’t you just DVR it?

TED: I can’t DVR bed, Frank.  I don’t really care about the show.

FRANK: This is a matter of life and death, Ted!  I need you to meet me at midnight.

TED: Where?  My place or yours?

FRANK: Neither.  Meet me at…(pauses and looks straight at the camera)…the graveyard!

SCENE 2

Ted arrives at the graveyard.  There is no sign of Frank.

TED: Frank?  Hey, Frank!

Ted wanders around the deserted graveyard.  Frank is definitely not here.

TED: Fraaaaaaaaaaaank!  Where are you?

Ted sits on a bench and picks up a pebble.  He absentmindedly tosses it up and down in his hand.

TED: I’m totally punching you in the back of the head when I see you tomorrow, Frank.

Ted looks around some more, looks at the pebble in his hand.

TED: Stupid rock.

Ted throws the pebble away.  A cat shrieks off camera, and there is an explosion, also off camera.  Ted doesn’t react to either.  He gets in his car and leaves.

SCENE 3:

It’s the following morning.  Ted is sitting down to breakfast with Margot.  They’re both dressed for work.

MARGOT: So what did Frank want last night?

TED: The little dick-wiggler wasn’t there.  I don’t know what he wanted.  I’m punching him in the back of the head today.

MARGOT: That’s nice dear.

Ted finishes his breakfast and heads outside.  He stops when he notices a huge boulder on his lawn.

TED: Whaaaaaaa?  Pause as he examines it.  Hey Margot!  Margot!

MARGOT: comes outside.  What?

TED: points at rock

MARGOT: Oh, that.  What’s it for?

TED: I didn’t put it here.

MARGOT: Well, neither did I.

TED: Who did?

MARGOT: Probably your mom.  Look, I have to get to work.  Get rid of that thing; it’s ugly.

Skateboard Dude passes on the sidewalk.

SKATEBOARD DUDE: Nice rock, Ted.

TED: Your face is a nice rock, rock-face!  To Margot: I have to go to work, too.  I’ll deal with it when I get home.

Ted and Margot both leave.

SCENE 4

Ted’s place of work.  He sticks his head in Fran’s office door.

TED: Hey, Fran.  Have you seen Frank?  I need to punch him in the back of the head.

FRAN: Oh, haven’t you heard?

TED: Heard that Frank stood me up last night?  Yeah, I was there.

FRAN: No, not that.  Frank has gone missing!

Ted makes a comically surprised face.

SCENE 5

Ted enters his kitchen looking through his mail.  He notices a letter from the town, and opens it.

TED: (reading aloud) Dear Mr. Ted Stone: It has come to the attention of the Town of Rockwell bylaw enforcement department that you have recently placed a boulder in excess of 500 pounds on your property.  This is in direct violation to the town’s boulder control bylaw.  If you do not remove the boulder by Saturday of this week, you will be fined $600 and sentenced to death in the electric chair.

Ted sticks the letter to the fridge with the most cheerful magnet he has.  He picks up the phone and calls Trevor.

TREVOR: This is Trevor.

TED: The town is trying to kill me.

TREVOR: Did I say “Trevor”?  I meant, this is…uh…someone you don’t know, because you dialed the wrong number.

Trevor hangs up.  Ted dials his number again.

TREVOR: This is Trevor.

TED: This is Ted.  Why did you hang up on me?

TREVOR: Oh, was that you?

TED: Yes.  Don’t you have call display?

TREVOR: I disabled it.  Sorry man, I thought you were this other guy who the town’s trying to kill.  But I’m all, like, “Who isn’t the town trying to kill?”  Am I right?  Laughs.

TED: I wonder if that’s what happened to Frank.

TREVOR: Frank Zappa?

TED: No.  No, not Frank Zappa.

TREVOR: So why’s the town trying to kill you?

TED: I have a big rock on my lawn.

TREVOR: Bigger than 500 pounds?

TED: Yeah, I guess so.

TREVOR: That violates the Boulder Control Bylaw.  Why’d you do that?

TED: I didn’t do it.  It was there when I woke up this morning.

TREVOR: That won’t stop them from giving you the chair.

TED: How do you know so much about this bylaw?

TREVOR: shrugs

TED: pauses.  Did you just shrug?

TREVOR: Yeah.

TED: We’re on the phone.  How am I supposed to see you shrug.

TREVOR: shrugs again.  It worked, didn’t it?

TED: Look, what the heck am I supposed to do about this rock?

TREVOR: Don’t worry.  I know a guy.  I’ll give him a call and we’ll swing by your place to fix this up.

SCENE 6

Ted is standing in his yard prodding the rock with his foot.  A beat-up truck parks in front of the yard.  A sign on the door reads “Garry’s Rock Removal.  Garry Rockremover, Proprietor.  ‘You can take this rock and remove it!’”  Garry and Trevor exit the truck and approach Ted.

TREVOR: Hey, Ted.  This is Garry.  He’s a rock remover.

TED: Hi, Garry.  I’m Ted.  Extends his hand to shake with Garry.

GARRY: ignoring Ted’s hand.  I know who you are.

TED:  Oh.  Okay.  How?

GARRY: Trevor told me on the way over.  It’s basic courtesy to explain to your friend where you need him to go before you get there.  I’m surprised you didn’t know that.

TREVOR: points at a stone the size of a grapefruit in the flower garden.  Is this the rock here?

GARRY: Removing that rock will be the simplest of jobs.  Behold!  Garry picks up the rock and throws it at Skateboard Dude.  Skateboard Dude dies.

TED: No, it’s the big rock, there.  Points at the huge boulder.

TREVOR: This rock here?  You’re sure?

TED: Fairly sure.  99% confident, I’d say.  The town didn’t provide a picture, but I don’t think that other one was over 500 pounds.

GARRY: Perhaps not.  Turns his attention to the boulder.  Ah, this rock is more suited to my talents.  Truly, it is a worthy foe!  Licks the rock.  Igneous.   It spewed forth from an ancient volcano before man’s ancestors crawled out of the oceans onto dry land.

TED: How do you know that?

GARRY: I am a Rock Remover.

TREVOR: Do you think you could remove it, Garry?

GARRY: May my eyes rot and my tongue shrivel if I cannot.  I must examine her. 

Garry lays his body over the rock and slowly caresses it with his hands.  Trevor pulls Ted off to the side to let Garry work undisturbed.

TED: Where did you find this guy?

TREVOR: I’ve known him since high school.  He removed some rocks from my dad’s garden.  We’ve been good friends ever since.

TED: Good friends?  How come I’ve never met him?

TREVOR: Have you ever had any rocks professionally removed before?

TED: No.

TREVOR: That’s probably why you’ve never met him.

TED: But you said he’s your good friend.  I’m your best friend.  You’d think our paths would have crossed.  Or, at the very least, I would have heard you mention him.

TREVOR: My life doesn’t revolve around you, Ted.

GARRY: Yes!  YES!  Laughs ominously.  She is a feisty one, but I will be able to move her.

TED: Great.  She—it has to be gone by Saturday or the town is going to kill me.

GARRY: I will return tomorrow.  She and I will dance at dawn!  I will require you to pay before the work commences.

TED: Okay.  How much will it cost?

GARRY: Oh, this shall be an epic fight!  Man against nature!  Her rock-hard will against my iron determination!  I shall require cranes!  Minions!  Dynamite!

TED: Dynamite?

GARRY: Dynamite!  Cackles

TED: How much?

GARRY: $500.

TED: That seems reasonable.

GARRY: Payable only in solid platinum bars!

TREVOR: Sounds good, Garry.  We’ll see you tomo—

TED: Wait, wait, wait.  Hold on a second.  I have a question.

TREVOR: Really?  Seems pretty straight forward to me.

TED: Where am I supposed to get platinum bars?  Can’t I just use Interac?

GARRY: I cannot afford the wireless terminals.

TED: Cash, then?

GARRY: laughs.  By the gods, no!  Only the cold caress of platinum will slate my thirst for riches!  None of your paper notes will be worth anything once I pull down society with the help of my legions of…well…I’ve said too much already.

TREVOR: Glad we cleared that up.  See you tomorrow, Garry.  Ted will have the platinum waiting.

TED: But…

TREVOR: Ted, this is serious.  You have a rock on the lawn.  Just run down to the platinum store and buy some platinum bars.

GARRY: $500 worth of platinum bars, don’t forget.

TED: Shut up, you!  Pauses.  To Trevor: There’s a platinum store in town?

TREVOR: shrugs.  I don’t know.  Probably.

SCENE 7

That evening, after dark, Ted looks out his window at the rock.  The rock glows.

TED: Your days are numbered, rock!  Pause.  The number is one.  Pauses again to look at his watch.  Well, ten hours, really.  So that’s, what?  0.417 days, rounded to the nearest thousandth.

The rock glows a little brighter.

TED: Stupid rock.

SCENE 8

The next day. Close-up of the newspaper on Ted’s front step.  The headline reads “Garry Rockremover, Beloved Rock Remover, Dead.”  There is a picture of Garry with the story.  Ted comes outside and picks up the paper.  He reads the headline.

TED: B-b-but…what do I do with all this stupid platinum now?

Ted throws the paper down in disgust.  He walks up to the rock and tries to push it, but it’s too heavy.  He tries to use a shovel as a lever, but it doesn’t work.  He gives up and walks away.

SCENE 9

Ted walks into town hall.  He approaches the clerk at the desk.

CLERK: What?

TED: Hi.  I got this letter from the town yesterday.  Holds up letter.

CLERK: So?

TED: So it says that I’m in violation of the Boulder Control Bylaw.

CLERK: And?

TED: And it says that if I don’t move it by this Saturday, I’ll be fined $600 and sentenced to death in the electric chair.

CLERK: Rolling eyes. Soooooooo whaaaaaaaaaaat?

TED: Don’t you think $600 is a little steep?  It’s just a rock.

CLERK: Slams fist on the counter.  Just a rock?  JUST a rock?!  Who do you think you are, coming in here and making light of the Boulder Control Bylaw?!  You’re lucky the fine isn’t $650!

TED: No, no, no.  Don’t do that.  I just have a problem, is all.

CLERK: You think you have problems?  Try being a municipal clerk someday!  I’ve seen things that would make your hair turn white and your balls suck right back up into your body cavity, man!

TED: My…balls?

CLERK: So don’t you tell me about your problems!  You put a rock on your lawn, and now you have to suffer the consequences.  Move the rock!  You have until noon tomorrow!

TED: But my rock remover died, and it’s too heavy for me to move it myself.

CLERK: in a high, mocking voice.  But my rock remover died, and boo-hoo-hoo!  In a normal voice.  Tell me, Mr. Stone, have you ever been to a town council budget meeting?

TED: No.  What does that have to do with anything?

CLERK: If you can survive one of those, I might put up with your whining.  No one should see interns die like that.  NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DIE LIKE THAT!

TED: How am I supposed to move the rock without a rock remover?  I can pay the $600 if I absolutely have to.  I don’t like the sounds of the electric chair, though.

CLERK: You wouldn’t.

TED: What’s up with that, anyway?  I mean, this is Canada.  Where did you even get an electric chair?

CLERK: K-Mart.  Ever think of that, smart-guy?

TED: All this for a rock?

CLERK: If we forgive your violation of the bylaw, pretty soon everyone will have a boulder on their lawn.  And then we’ll have to kill them all.  We’ll have to kill the whole world!  Is that what you want, Stone?!

TED: But—

CLERK: Pay up, man!  Pay up and die like a man!

TED: starts walking away.  I’ll figure something out.

CLERK: leans over the counter to get a better view at the leaving Ted.  You’re going to the chair, man!  THE CHAIR!

Ted leaves the town office.

SCENE 10

A shot of the rock on Ted’s lawn.  Ted comes running and screaming into the shot.  He kicks beats at the rock, kicking and punching, but is rewarded with nothing more than bloody knuckles and sore feet.  Ted runs out of the shot and returns after a moment with a hammer.  He beats the rock with the hammer, but still nothing happens.  Ted runs off again, and returns with an axe.  He beats on the rock with the axe, but it has no effect.  Ted leaves the shot again.  After a moment, his car drives in and crashes into the rock.  No effect.  Ted crawls out of the driver’s seat and collapses, exhausted, beside the rock.

SCENE 11

Ted is slouched over on his sofa in his living room.  There is a ring at the doorbell.  Ted gets up and answers the door.  There is only a cat at the door.

TED: Hello.

CAT: Hey, man.  You gonna let me in, or what?

TED: Sure.  Come on in, I guess.

Ted and the cat walk back to the living room.  Ted sits on the sofa, and the cat perches on the end table next to him.

CAT: So you got any weed, man?

TED: Weed?

CAT: Yeah, weed.

TED: You mean, like, marijuana?

CAT: No, I mean thistles.  I like how they get caught in my fur.  Of course I mean marijuana!

TED: I think my wife might have some, but I don’t know where she hides it.  She’d kill me if I took some, anyway.

CAT: makes a whipping noise.

TED: Yeah, whatever.  Why are you here, anyway?  Who are you?

CAT: Geez, man, why you such a downer?  With a beautiful rock like that outside, you should be the happiest guy in town!

TED: Don’t get me started on the rock!  It’s been nothing but a headache since it showed up!

CAT: A boulder like that?  How could it be trouble?

TED: The thing’s gonna cost me $600 in fines!  And death in the electric chair.

CAT: $600?  Over a rock?  Humans are weird.

TED: Tell me about it.  I wish I were a cat.

CAT: Oh man!  Being a cat is so sweet!  The world is my toilet!  I have to poop in a sandbox when I’m inside, but my human takes it away!  I don’t have to touch it!

TED: That’s the life for me.

CAT: But, hey, chin up, man.  You’ll pull through this rock crisis.

TED: How?

CAT: Look, I’m not a details guy.  You’ll have to figure it out on your own.  I’m just telling you nice things so you’ll stop moping.

TED: mopishly.  Okay.

Margot enters.

MARGOT: Who are you talking to, Ted?

Ted points at the cat.

TED: This cat.  Sorry, I never got your name.

CAT: Meow.

MARGOT: Have you been smoking my pot?  I told you to keep your filthy hands off it!  If you want some, get your own!

TED: I didn’t touch your pot.  I’m telling you, the cat was talking!

CAT: Hey, leave me out of this.

MARGOT: That’s so cool!  I’m pretty sure this is my cat.  You can’t have him, Ted.

CAT: Listen, lady, I’m just looking for a little weed of my own.  If you ain’t sharing, I’ll be on my way.  Nice rock, by the way.  Who’s your rock guy?

MARGOT: Ted, I thought I told you to get rid of that hideous rock!  Why is it still out there!  We can’t afford the $600 fine!

CAT: I, uh…I’m gonna go.  Leaves.

TED: I hired a guy to remove it, but he was murdered last night.

MARGOT: If you were a real man, you’d move it yourself!

TED: It weighs a ton.  A literal ton.  At least.

MARGOT: Well, how was the Rock Remover going to get rid of it?

TED: Dynamite, cranes, and I think he said minions.

MARGOT: Well?  Why can’t you do that?

TED: Where am I going to get Dynamite, cranes, and minions?  I guess I could get Trevor to be minion, but Frank disappeared, and those were my only two close friends.  And I don’t even know where to start finding dynamite.

MARGOT: Too bad you can’t use lame excuses to blow up the rock.

TED: Look, what do you want me to do?  You don’t have any dynamite tucked into your hidden marijuana stash, do you?

MARGOT: I want you to sac up and get to work instead of moping around the house talking to your little cat friends.

TED: Right.  Why should I talk to cats when I have a bitch here all the time.

Margot punches Ted in the face.  Ted collapses.

MARGOT: I want that rock gone by morning, or the town’s penalty will be the least of your worries.

Ted stands up and grabs his car keys.

TED: I need some fresh air.

Ted leaves the house.

SCENE  12

Ted gets into his car and turns it on.  He switches on the radio.  “We Will Rock You” by Queen is playing.  He changes the station in disgust.  The next station is playing “We Built This City (On Rock and Roll)” by Starship.  He changes the station again, and “Like a Stone” by Audioslave is playing.  He changes the station once more, and “Like a Rock” by Bob Seger is playing.

TED: I give up!

Ted leaves the radio on “Like a Rock” and starts driving around town.  “Like a Rock” plays in the background for the remainder of the scene.  As he drives, he sees rocks everywhere.  Some are actual rocks around town (but not on lawns, so they don’t violate the bylaw).  Others are signs with the word “rock” on them.  He stops at a park and gets out of the car.  He sits on a bench next to a stranger eating ice cream.

STRANGER: Welcome to my humble bench.

TED: Thanks, it’s nice.

STRANGER: Would you be offended if I were to offer you a taste of my ice cream?

TED: No, I wouldn’t.

STRANGER: Holds out ice cream.  By all means.  Be my guest.

TED: Takes the ice cream cup.  What flavor is it?

STRANGER: Rocky Road.

Ted bellows and throws the cup off camera.

STRANGER: Hey!  Runs after the cup.

SCENE 13

Ted arrives at home.  He walks up to the rock and paces around it while he speaks.

TED: Still here, I see.  I don’t suppose I should be surprised by that.  It’s not like you’re just going to grow legs and walk away.  Of course, I met a talking cat today, so who knows what’s possible?  My wife punched me today, too, but that wasn’t a huge surprise.  I’ve been expecting it since the day I met her.  I’m surprised that it took her so long.  Pause.  I don’t get it, Rock.  Why did you choose me?  Why my lawn out of all the lawns in town?  Look at me; I’m talking to you as if you’re alive and not just a hunk of inanimate minerals.  Where did you even come from?  Are you a meteorite?  Did someone drop you here as a prank?  You’d think that, either way, I would’ve heard something.  And a meteor as big as you would probably have left a huge crater.  So no, you’re not a meteorite.  But who put you here?  And why?  It must be some sort of weird conspiracy.  Someone wants me dead, and this is their roundabout way of killing me.  Dump a rock on my lawn that is large enough that there’s no hope of me moving it alone, knowing that the town would enforce the Boulder Control by law, and then kill the only man in town who can remove it.  Frank must have known.  He was trying to warn me the night he disappeared.  He’s probably in a shallow grave somewhere.

Ted stops pacing and places his hands on the rock.

TED: You’re cold.  Cold like the town.  Cold like my life.  Garry Rockremover said you came from a volcano, but the heat of your fiery birth has long since left you.  You’re ancient.  How many millennia have you witnessed?  How many more to come?  Me, my short days will come to an end tomorrow.  After I pay my fine, I’ll be embraced by the harsh kiss of electricity.

The front door of the house opens.  Margot sticks her head out.

MARGOT: Hey, Ted!

TED: He doesn’t turn to face her.  Yes, Margot?

MARGOT: You’re talking to a rock.

TED: Yes, Margot.

MARGOT: Just thought you should know.

TED: Thank you.

Margot goes back inside and closes the door.  Ted kneels down beside the rock, his hands still touching it.

TED: This is it.  My last night.  You win, Rock.  He lies on the ground beside the rock.  You win.  Weakly sings a line from the Bob Seger song: Like a rock.  Oh, like a rock.

SCENE 14

The next morning.  Ted is sleeping in the same spot, but the rock is gone.  Ted wakes up, and notices that the rock is gone.  He stands and stares silently at the spot on the ground where the rock had been.  Margot approaches and joins him.  Trevor arrives and looks on with them.  The municipal clerk joins them.  Finally, Skateboard Dude joins them.  He’s wearing the same clothes from the day Garry hit him with the rock, and blood is covering his face from a gash in his forehead.  He is unsteady on his feet, but he looks at the ground where the rock was with the same serious calm that the others do.

SKATEBOARD DUDE: Completely deadpan.  This all totally made sense.

THE END

Mike Mix 2011

Update: I added "Shop Vac" by Jonathon Coulton.

It was looking like MiKenzie, Inc. wasn't going to release a Mike Mix for 2011, but they farted one out in the last week of the year.  This is also the first Mike Mix to be released in an exclusively digital format.  I suppose that's okay, considering that I can hook my iPod up to my new car.  Also, I'm pretty sure Mike Mix 2011 breaks a record for the most songs falling under the rule 34.iv(c) ammendement ("if MiKenzie Incorporated acquires two separate albums by the same source artist/band, one song from each album may be used."  So, let's get to it, shall we.  Once again, I've provided links to videos of each song.


(Note: you'll recognize a few of these tracks from my last entry about indie rock.)


Track 1: "Midnight City" by M83
Or, as I like to call it, "Strength of Thought With Children."  A bit of a departure for Mike Mix Productions.  The song reminds me of "Silent Running" by Mike & the Mechanics, but I can't really say why.  Silent Running doesn't even have a saxophone in it!  Brains are weird.


Track 2: "I'm a Robot" by Weezer
The obligatory Weezer track.  Not that I'm complaining.  This is from Weezer's "Death to False Metal" CD, which is basically a compilation of songs that never made the cut for the final versions of actual Weezer albums.  "I'm a Robot" is a bouncy, happy song about an alcoholic white collar suburban family man.  My five-year-old son loves to sing along with the chorus.


Track 3: "The Devil & The Dove" by Sarah Slean
Sarah Slean released a double album in 2011 called "Land & Sea."  Land featured your basic Sarah Slean music.  Sea featured Sarah being backed up by an orchestra.  "The Devil & The Dove" is from Sea, and it's a very beautiful song.  My apologies for a complete lack of humour for this entry.  I also apologize for the lack of video.  Couldn't find one.


Track 4: "Shallow's Low" by Matthew Good
(The link is for a crappy recording of a live performance, but it gets the idea across.)  While Weezer is my favourite band, Matthew Good is my favourite solo artist.  That's pretty odd when you think about it, considering how different the two are.  Let me tell you the biggest difference between Weezer and Matt Good.  They both debuted in the '90s, when I was a teenager.  Weezer remaind the same solid band for a decade, and then started getting a little silly and juvenile.  Matt Good, on the other hand, has been maturing artistically as I've gotten older.  His music has been changing to suit my aging taste in music over the years.  "Shallow's Low" is an excellent example of this.  19-year-old me (I first heard of Matt Good in 1997) wouldn't really like this song.


Track 5: "Know Your Quarry" by Biffy Clyro
This isn't Scottish band Biffy Clyro's first appearance on a Mike Mix, but it's been a few years.  This song is another example of how old I'm getting.  There were a lot of songs on "Only Revolutions" that were pretty fast and heavy, and I went for the soulful ballad.  And my second choice from the album would have been "Many of Horror."


Track 6: "Rows of Houses" by Dan Mangan
This is probably my favourite song right now.  I wrote about it plenty in my Indie Rock Quest post, so I won't go into great detail about it hear.  I need to buy more of his music.


Track 7: "Amen" by Sarah Slean
From Sea to Land.  It's more pop than the orchestral "The Devil & The Dove," but it's still a very beautiful, melodic song.  But still, MiKenzie missed a golden opportunity by neglecting to put on the Sarah Slean/Tupac Shakur duet version of "Amen."


Track 8: "Hang On" by Weezer
The second Weezer song on the album comes from their latest album, "Hurley."  As in Hurley from the TV show Lost.  It's a pretty song that stood out early for me when I first heard the album.  And, if the album liner is to be believe, Michael Cera provided back-up vocals and mandolin on this song.


Track 9: "Never Listen To Me" by The Thermals
You've probably never heard of The Thermals, but you should probably check them out.  I discovered them by chance at a listening station at HMV when I went to buy "Hurley."  Go check them out now.  I'll wait.  (The bassist is a woman, if you like that sort of thing.  Yeah, she uses a pick instead of the two-finger strum, but so did I for the brief period of my life when I played bass, so who am I to judge?)


Track 10: "Kissing Families" by Silversun Pickups
Mike Mix 2010 included a song from Silversun Pickups' most recent album, so of course MiKenzie puts on a song from their 2005 EP on Mike Mix 2011.  It's a pretty song, though.  Soft by Silversun Pickups standards.   There's even a cello in it.  And another female bassist!  Her back-up vocals are used nicely in this song, too.  She's also the star of this particular video.


Track 11: "I Am Disappeared" by Frank Turner
Another one from my Indie Rock Quest.  One of the heaviest songs on Mike Mix 2011, which isn't really saying much.  This is probably the mellowist Mike Mix to date.


Track 12: "Follow Me Down" by Ladies of the Canyon
You'll recognize this song from last year's Chick Mix III.  It's about as country as I get.  It's a good song, but it sticks out like a sore thumb with the other songs of MM11.


Track 13: "Rusted Wheel" by Silversun Pickups
This is from 2006's "Carnavas" album.  I think that exhausts Silversun Pickups library, so unless they release a new album in 2012, they shouldn't show up on Mike Mix 2012.


Track 14: "Lazy" by Freezepop
Freezepop makes their second appearance on a Mike Mix after appearing on MM08 with their song "Less Talk More Rokk," made famous by Guitar Hero 2.  It's a song about sleeping in and reminds me of my teens.


Track 15: "A Darkness Rises Up" by Broken Records
Another Scottish band.  That's two for this Mike Mix.  Not bad.  I spoke in length about this one with my Indie Rock Quest entry about how this song adds piano and violin nicely to a rock band.  Enjoy it.


Track 16: "The Sprawl II" by Arcade Fire
Yes, this is an Arcade Fire song.  I know the lead singer is usually a man, but this is still a great song.  Arcade Fire is one of those bands that I've always known I would like if I paid more attention to them, but for some reason, I haven't paid much attention to them.  Why haven't I paid them more attention?  Why?


So that's it.  17 tracks this time, now that I added "Shop Vac."