Thursday, August 23, 2012

Admiral Mike


Okay, I’m gonna bare my 15/16-year-old soul here.  It’s hard for me to look back at this time in 1993 and 1994 when I wrote my first novel.  I’ve mentioned the whole SuperBruno thing in other blogs, and some people who are close to me have seen the modern overhaul of my childhood fantasy (my Stormy Logan stories), but I’ve always been hesitant about sharing My first attempt at writing the story of the world I created for myself when I was eight or nine years old.  I recently read through the first (and only complete) draft of the story that I called Admiral Mike, and it was so bad that I started writing snarky comments in the margins to make fun of it.  That’s what this blog entry is about: my snarky comments.  Before I share them, though, I need to give some background on the overall story.  It’s about a fictional version of me, who gets superpowers in 1989 when I was 11, and so did my best friend, David Jones.  We grow up, have adventures, and at 16, I split into two people, one with superpowers, one without.  In the futuristic year of 2000, the me without powers joins the Army of Earth, which is a member of the Mars Federation of Planets.  By the way, there is life on every planet in the solar system, including Pluto, which hadn’t been demoted yet.  Anyway, aside from SuperBruno’s early adventures, the novel covers a 25-year-long war between Earth and Saturn (2001-2026), and chronicles the rise of me to the leader Earth’s military and government.  In short, it’s absolutely ridiculous.  So, without further ado, here are some passages from the novel written by a 15-year-old (plain type) and made fun of by a 34-year-old (italics):

(Wait, two more thing: about halfway through the writing the novel, I decided that, to avoid confusion, the normal me called himself Mike and the superhero me called himself Bruce.  And I’m leaving typos and grammatical errors intact.)

Bad as my writing was back then, it was better than my drawings.


[Mike] visited with the whole family until they all left for their own homes.  After they left [Mike’s parents’ 30th anniversary party], Mike got in his car and drove to his parents’ house.  Where’s Bruce?  Shouldn’t he have been at this party?
*
“Hi,” Mike said, “You look great.”
“Thanks,” Angela said, “You look good, too.”
“Well, of course I do,” Mike said jokingly, “I can’t help looking good.”
Hi-larious!
Angela laughed and nudged him as they walked to the car.  Mike got in the driver’s side, then he reached over to the passenger’s side door, unlocked it and opened it for her to get in.  How chivalrous.
*
“It’s beautiful,” Angela said as she examined it.
“It had to be,” Mike said, “It wouldn’t have matched you if it hadn’t.”
Blaaaaargh!
*
A few minutes later, the phone rang.  His mother answered.  She said yes then looked at Mike and mouthed the words, “It’s SuperBruno.”  Really?  That’s what she calls her own son?
“Hi, Mike,” she said.  “And by Mike, I mean Bruce.”
*
SuperBruno and Mike could sense each other’s feelings because they were the same person.  Oh, of course.  Thanks for explaining.
*
“Boy, they sure are working you hard,” Mike said.
“I don’t mind it that much,” SuperBruno said, “It gives me something to do.”
“Well, good-bye,” Mike said.
“Bye.”
Most natural conversation EVER!
*
He turned the phone off and put it on his shelf next to the head he ripped off of the robot.  What robot?  He quickly changed into his costume.  It was now made of a special material that was tight and very strong.  You could see the muscles that had started to develop on his body very clearly.  Gross.
*
“He got a phone call from Dr. Sinclair [the bad guy].  He told David that he knew who he was and to meet him somewhere.  David left as SuperAndy (duh) without telling us where he was supposed to meet him.”  Dumb kid.
“Well,” SuperBruno said, “Thanks for your help.  I’m going out to look for him now.  Good-bye.”
“Good-bye,” Mrs. Jones said.  “My eight-year-old son is missing, but whatevs.”
*
“There was a fight,” the officer said, “It was between SuperAndy and a group of purple (obviously important information) robots.  Witnesses say SuperAndy was defeated and carried away.”
“Okay,” SuperBruno said, “Thank you for your help.”
“Beat up by robots, you say?  That’s cool, I guess.  No, no!  Don’t tell me which way they went!”
SuperBruno started to walk away, but the policeman called him back.  “The robot dragged SuperAndy into the harbor.  We have some men searching under water for him.”
“I said don’t tell me!”
*
He swam along the bottom.  The robot must have been very heavy, (as if it were made of metal, or something.)
*
There were pipes on the ceiling.  He flew up and grabbed a piece of pipe about two feet long.  Water started to spray out of the pipe after he had ripped the section out.  He squeezed on the open ends and the water stopped.  Wouldn’t want to damage the evil lair.
*
(Before this one, I just need to explain that Dr. Sinclair, the evil scientist who gave them their superpowers, also created a purple metal called sinclairium that negated their powers.  In this part, they are trapped in a cage made out of the stuff.)
“Look around,” SuperBruno said, “If we got a hold of one of those guns, we could break out of this cage and destroy the base.”
“We could destroy the base with a couple of guns?” SuperAndy said, a little confused.
SuperBruno sighed and looked at SuperAndy.  “We could blow the bars away with the guns,” Mike said, “And use the them to shoot the purple robots.  We could use ourselves to destroy the base.”
“Oh,” SuperAndy said.
SuperAndy is functionally retarded.
*
“Take off your cape,” SuperBruno said after a few seconds.
“What?” SuperAndy said, “Why?”  “I need it because of how useful it is!”
“Just give it to me,” SuperBruno said, “I have an idea.”
SuperAndy took off his cape and Handed it to Bruno.  SuperBruno took off his own cape and tied the two together.  He turned and looked out between the bars at the guns.  They were standing up in racks.  SuperBruno shot a laser beam from his eyes and it hit the top of the rack above one of the guns.  It fell forward.
“Oops,” said Dr. Sinclair.  “I forgot they could do that.”
“What are you doing?” SuperAndy asked.  SuperBruno didn’t answer.  He began to tie a loop at the end of the capes.  He then put his arm out of the cage and swung the looped end towards the gun.  He somehow (not even I, the author, know how he did it) managed to get the loop around the barrel of the gun and pull it over.
*
“Why did you put us in a room filled with powerful weapons?”  “And no video surveillance, or at least a guard?”
“I just wanted you to see my supplies,” Dr. Sinclair said, “They aren’t much yet, but you have to start somewhere when you want to take over the world.”  Motivation?  What’s that?
*
SuperBruno didn’t think Dr. Sinclair could take over the world.  He didn’t even think he could take over Canada.  Well, maybe Canada.
*
“You’ll be dead by the morning.  I’ll try to kill you as slowly as possible.  Sweet dreams!”  He left.  Kill them now, you retarded evil genius!
*
They started walking down a hall.  When they reached the fork, they turned right.  A group of four purple robots was walking towards them.  They turned and ran the other way because they forgot that they had guns.
*
SuperBruno carefully aimed his gun and fired.  A gun was knocked out of the hand of a woman.  Pretty good shot for an 11-year-old who has never handled a firearm before.
*
Dr. Sinclair’s submersible detached from the main base and floated away.  “I must leave now that my plan of bringing two superheroes to destroy my secret base is successful!”
*
In the hole that was about three inches deep, he could see the colour purple.  Good movie.
*
It was estimated that a total of 50 people were killed in the blast.  All of them were Dr. Sinclair’s followers, so fuck ‘em.
*
Mike and Angela were married on June 26, 2001 in the Mormon temple located in Cardston, Alberta.  Fun fact: in real life in June 2001, I was a security guard at a hospital, and my fiancée had dumped me two months previously.  Also, no aliens.
*
The interview went well and Angela passed the physical.  She started off as a private and was stationed at Earth Base 4 with Mike.  All in two sentences.
*
“Are you done with the laser welder?”  Alternate names: space welder, future welder.
“I’ll be done with it in a second, sir,” the technician said as he used it on something.  Don’t ask what.  “All right,” he said, “Here you go.”
Mike took it and welded something together that had been broken by a laser.  “I’m lucky this laser shot wasn’t a few inches over,” Mike said, “or I would have been blown away.”  It’s all very technical.  You wouldn’t understand.
*
“Well,” he said and got out of the engine.  He was IN the engine?
*
He kissed her on the mouth and put his arms around her.  No, not on her lips.  On her mouth.
*
“I just went over some papers and did some training with the people I’m in charge of.”  “What’s a platoon?”
*
“I think we should send spies over [to Saturn] to try to find out what they’re up to.”  I’m sure human spies would fit right in on Saturn.
*
Mike got the rest of his power suit on and was holding his helmet.  He bent over and kissed Angela on the mouth (again with the mouth kissing) as she was putting the right foot of her suit on.
“Good luck, Mike,” Angela said.  “I love you.”
“I love you, too, babe,” Mike said…That’s totally how I talk.
Admiral MacKenzie modelling a "power suit"

*
“Your parents are on their way down to see you,” Angela said, “I phoned them about an hour ago and told them [that you had been shot].  They seemed awfully worried.”  That’s how it SEEMED, anyway.
*
“You sure did surprise me,” SuperBruno said [to Mike], “I was working on something when all of a sudden, I felt a cramp in my stomach and my shoulder.  I take it that’s where you got shot.”  “I’m a real-life version of Superman, so I was working in a lab during an alien invasion.  Naturally.”
*
“The laser passed through your body without hitting any organs,” the doctor said.  How?  Just to be clear, he was shot dead-center in the gut.
*
“I’ll make sure he does what you say, Doctor,” Angela said, “He’ll probably try to go back to work two days after he’s out of here.  Maybe less.”  Apparently, I had forgotten how lazy I am when I wrote this.
*
“I’ll see you later,” Angela said after their lips had parted.  You mean, “after their MOUTHS had parted.”
*
When Mike woke up, he saw his dad looking down on him.  Creepy.  What the hell, Dad?
*
Five-star General Keller was Admiral Wilson’s second in command.  There was only one five-star general and only one admiral.  They were both elected by the people.  I didn’t know how the army worked when I was 15.
*
Mike shock [his hand] I thought shock was a typo the first time I saw it, but turns out I was just stupid.
*
“Thank you,” he said again and shoke the general’s hand once more.  Not quite.  Keep trying.
*
“Congratulations!” Lloyd said and patted Mike’s shoulder.  Mike winced.  “Oh, I’m sorry!” Lloyd said, “I forgot that you hurt your shoulder, too.”  “I thought the bandage was just to make you look bad-ass.”
*
Angela came over to Mike, smiling, and wrapped her arms around his neck.  Mike hugged her and kissed her ear (it was the closest body part to his mouth).  Just stop it.
*
“How are you feeling?” Amy asked.
“Everybody is asking me that,” Mike said.  It’s because you’re in the hospital, dumb-ass.
*
He ripped his shirt and pants off.  Hilarious out of context.
*
“Emoclew,” the short [Martian] said.  Dude, that’s just “welcome” backwards.  Lazy.
“I...uh…didn’t quite catch that,” SuperBruno said.  Very flippant response for meeting an alien for the first time.
*
He was becoming more and more confused.  You can tell cuz I just said so.
*
SuperBruno didn’t sleep that night.  He sat up watching his family as they slept and thought.  What were they thinking about? Misplaced modifier, FTW!
*
“Wait a minute,” Bruno said, “Are you saying that you were in the trance?”
“Yeah,” Andy said.
“That’s strange,” Bruno said, “Why wasn’t I?”
“You weren’t in the trance?”
“That’s what I said.”  Asshole.
*
“Wait a minute,” SuperBruno said, “Do we all shower in the same room?”
“Yes,” the alien said.  “This is the only shower room we have, so the men and women have to share it.  We do not want to take turns.  It would take to much time.”  The alien left.
The people just stood and looked around at first.  Then, one by one, they went to a shower and started to undress and hang their clothes on hooks on the walls.
Why?  Why is this happening?  What’s the point?
*
Something had happened to his brain.  Best line ever.
*
Some of the tall aliens aimed lasers at the group of people, the others started firing on the Martian guards.  Before the aliens could shoot the people, SuperAndy and SuperBruno charged them.  The guards were disarmed and thrown across the room before they knew what was happening.  The guards were disarmed?  Not the attackers?
*
“They were Saturnians,” the alien said.  “When we proposed that we test Earth to see if they are ready to join the Mars Federation, they objected.  No one knows why.”  And no one ever will.  I never explain it.
“Well,” SuperAndy said.  “I don’t think I like them very much.”  I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough.
Good-looking fella.

*
A large, flying bus (because it’s space) was waiting for them.
*
“Make your way back to the city,” an alien said.  The bus left.  “Nevermind the aliens who JUST TRIED TO KILL YOU!”
*
SuperBruno was so amazed that he was actually entering the atmosphere of Saturn that he forgot about where he was.  They left the clouds and SuperBruno saw a large city.  The buildings were all metallic and had tall towers.  There were small saucer shaped ships flying around and he saw vehicles travelling along roads.  Gas giants have solid ground, right?
*
“All I remember is being in pain.  That’s more than I want to remember.”
“Oh,” said SuperAndy.  They were silent for a minute.  SuperAndy finally said, “I better tell the doctors that you’re awake,” and he left the room.  Well, that was awkward.
*
On February 6, 1997, all the countries of Europe joined to form the country called Europe.  European Union?  No, that’s dumb.
*
To nights later, a Saturnian… “You wanna go to nights now?”  “No, let’s go to nights later.”
*
The alien yelled a few of the only Saturnian words that Admiral Wilson knew, and that I won’t repeat, and shot her in the head.  Surprise first person POV!  BAM!
*
Mike was shocked!  You can tell by the exclamation point.
*
“General Keller is the temporary admiral?” It was a statement more than a question.  Mike nodded.
“That’s awful,” Angela said.  “The assassination, not General Keller becoming admiral.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*
Something tall had jumped into the road and they hit it.  All Mike saw before they went spinning out of control was a tall, metal body clipped over the car when it hit.  He had a very bad feeling.  No shit.
*
“All right, this is what you’ll do,” Mike (from now on I’ll call him SuperBruno to avoid confusion) said.  Shut up, narrator; nobody cares about you.
*
“You’d be surprised by how many secret labs I have.”  We all would, Dr. Sinclair.
*
“NO!” SuperBruno yelled.  He jumped out of his chair, flew out the window and straight down after Christine.  He caught her and started flying back up.  Why back up?  Fly away from the bad guys!
*
As SuperBruno, he could withstand extreme heat and cold.  He had once been under water in the Arctic in the middle of winter.  Don’t forget freakin’ Mars!
*
He saw Angela sleeping on the couch in front of the TV wearing a bath robe.  Why is the TV wearing a bath robe?  Another misplaced modifier!  Yes!
*
On January 1, 2003…89 of the remaining two star generals were promoted to three stars, including Mike.  24 years old.
*
Mike got off the toilet and left the bathroom pulling his pants up.  I hope he wiped first.
*
Earth had won some battles against Saturn because of his strategies.  Awesome.  Superb writing.
*
[The energy sword] was a long blade that, when you pushed a button, it would glow red with a very powerful energy.  It could cut through almost anything.  It definitely was NOT a light saber.
*
The alien knelt, pinning Mike on the ground, and pulled out a knife.  Because screw light sabers.
*
Mike spun around and saw another alien charging him.  It was armed with an energy sword, a stun pole, and a spear.  He was a juggler.
*
After a few weeks of almost crushing hands when he shook…Hey!  You got it!
*
Jimmy was put to bed at 8:00 and Mike and Angela decided to go to bed early, too, but not for sleep.  For sex, I bet.
*
They weren’t tears of joy (in Mike’s mind, he saw Jimmy just a couple of days ago), but they were sad tears.  I sure did think my audience was stupid.
*
Mary [MacKenzie] was married to a nice guy who was really involved in sports (well, that much came true) named Grant Sanders.  Got the name wrong, though.  Damn my lack of ability to see the future!
*
“The person who I have the most trouble believing he’s so old is Jimmy.”  Winner of the most awkward syntax award.
*
This wasn’t here husband.  It was SuperBruno’s robot duplicate.  After SuperBruno had finished it, the [Earth Resistance Force] stole it and reprogrammed it.  What?  When?  Why is this the first time we’re hearing about this?  To be fair to past me, I wrote an entire chapter on that happening in the next draft of the novel.
*
“You can kill me if you want, but I won’t kill anyone in the army.”  “Civilians are fair game, though.”
*
“I’ll kill you!” it growled in an animalish voice.  Animalish?

And that’s about all I did that I can share without including huge sections of the book.

2 comments:

  1. You're just jealous of your own awesomeness. Now excuse me while I hide my own childhood novel that doesn't exist, but if it did, would be Lord of the Flies meets Running Man meets West Side Story. Which is just me talking crazy, cuz it doesn't exist. Shut up.

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