If someone were to accuse me of being a smart-ass, I wouldn't deny it. One thing which I find absolutely annoying, yet participate in anyway, is the online survey. Most of them seem to be written by 14-year-old girls, and I hate them. Below are some of the answers to the questions that I feel proud of:
21. Do you like the oceαn?
Yes, very much, even though it tried to kill me that one time.
1. what are you doing right now?
Filling out a stupid meme
3. is it a complicated or simple situation?
Is what a complicated or simple situation?
1. Have you loved someone so much thαt you cried while trying to sleep?
Why would I do that?
3. text msg or msn?
Shoot me in the face
28.What is your favorite flower?
The rare North American bacon cheeseburger flower
41.Summer or winter?
I hate this question. AUTUMN!!! AUTUMN, damn it!!!!!
43.Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate or vanilla what?
73. Romantic or spontaneous?
I wasn't aware that those were mutually exclusive. In fact, I thought spontaneous was romantic.
75. Sensitive or loud?
Whoever wrote this survey needs to watch more Sesame Street to figure out what opposites are.
77. Trouble maker or hesitant?
Seriously, anonymous survey writer, buy yourself some Sesame Street DVDs.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: I thought that was the point of the entire survey.
100. Posting this as 100 Truths?
Way to finish off with a bang, anonymous survey writer.
1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
First prom date? Do people get more than one prom? My prom date was Alison Quist.
28. Would you be a pirate?
I don't like to murder, I don't like to rape, I don't like to steal, and I don't like scurvy. So, no, I wouldn't be a pirate.
30. Favorite Girl's Name/s:
Lady Deathsinger
31. Favorite boy's name/s:
Baron Von Logitech
34. What vehicle do you drive?
The worst one.
Describe what you practically do in a day: What an awkward sentence. Does it mean what I do in a day that is practical? The placement of the adverb suggest what do I practically do, implying that I don't actually do these things, but that I'm close enough to practically be doing something. Or does the question mean, "What do I do practically everyday?" meaning what do I do almost everyday. In any case, I'm refusing to actually answer this question on the grounds of ambiguity.
Brittany Spears or Christina Agulara [sic]:
F*** you for even asking this.
In the past month have you eaten an entire box of oreos?
No. Also, I'd just like to point out that eating one box of Oreos in a month isn't that odd. It works out to maybe one cookie per day.
Sarcastic:
Are you asking when the last time I was sarcastic was, or am I sarcastic?
Are your fingers tired?
Are you implying that my fingers should be tired after typing roughly 100 words?
37. Ever have cream puffs?
Yes. I'd wager that most people have had cream puffs, so that makes this a stupid question to ask.
39. What was the last question you asked?
Do we have a plastic shopping bag that I can put this dead bird in? (I swear, that is honestly the last question I asked.)
60. What is your favorite animal?
Roast beef with mashed potatoes, yorkshire pudding, broccoli, corn, and gravy over everything. (This was an honest mistake. I wasn't reading very closely.)
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
No thanks.
25. WHO IS THE HOTTEST FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY
I am not aware of any hermaphrodite celebrities.
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
No.
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
I said I don't have one! F***!
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
How is this a "truth"? (The title of the meme was "100 Truths")
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
Mashed potatoes. (Really? Do they even compare? Macaroni and cheese is the epitome of poor people food. Mashed potatoes are the sidedish of nice meals.)
72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
I own a house. It has several rooms. One of them has a computer in it. I call that room the office.
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
No.
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
I'm Canadian.
The following 17 questions in bold are a meme that I wrote myself:
Hyperferrianism's Things
(Inspired by all of that stupid crap floating around the Internet and e-mail forwards.)
1. Are you right-handed or wrong-handed?
Right-handed.
2. If you were stranded on an island with only one book, one movie, and one person, how long would you last before killing and eating the other person? Also, good luck watching a movie with no TV, no DVD player, and no electicity.
About a month, assuming there are other things such as fruit and fish to keep me from starving in the interim.
3. Which, if any, foreign countries have you set foot in?
USA, Taiwan, Philippines, China.
4. Did you kill anyone while in any of those countries?
No.
5. Give me one good reason, with SPECIFIC and CURRENT examples, why France sucks. ("They speak French" is not a good reason.)
I can't do it.
6. If you worked in government administration, would you prefer federal, provincial/state, or municipal? Why?
Municipal, because you're right there in the thick of things.
7. Do you have a Crush? If so, which flavour? Orange, cream soda, grape, or lime?
I don't currently have one, but the last one I had was cream soda. Lime is my favourite.
8. Have you ever shaved anything other than your face, armpits, legs, or head?
No.
9. Are you annoyed that the word "random" seems to be replacing the word "miscellaneous" in our culture?
Yes. Yes, I am.
10. Do you spell it "etc." or "ect."?
etc.
11. It's "etc." Kenny G it! It's short for "et cetera"! "Ecsetera" isn't a word, no matter how many times you say it!
Totally.
12. Do you have a birthday?
Yes.
13. What's your religion? (Out of all of the stupid Internet memes I've read, with their insipid, repetitive questions, I don't think I've ever actually seen this one asked.)
Mormon.
14. Are you spontaneous or bilingual? (NO OTHER OPTIONS! THIS MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTION IS EXHAUSTIVE! DON'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE IN YOUR ANSWER OTHER THAN THE OPTIONS I HAVE PROVIDED! THOSE TWO THINGS ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE! NO FURTHER EXPLANATION WILL BE PROVIDED!)
Bilingual.
15. What was the first thing your father said to you EVER?
I don't know. Probably "Hi" or something along those lines.
16. Have you ever peed on a dead monkey?
I sure have.
17. What's your favourite Weezer album?
The Blue Album.
Life is full of...fluid
I am totally terrified of...your face!
21. What side do you dress to?
I don't understand this question.
26. Whose answers do you want to read the most?
Mine.
33. Favorite girls name?
Countess Von Murderington
34. Favorite boy’s name?
Baron Von Fartsalot
48. What songs do you want played at your funeral?
Highway to Hell by AC/DC
28) If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
The last person I texted was my wife.
37) Would you ride a cow if you had the chance?
Hells yes.
51) Ever kissed in [the rain]?
You already asked this question.
56) Tell me something no one really knows.
I gentleman never tells.
1. This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it?
Gosh, no, I don't think I can. (I left the rest of the survey unanswered.)
Friday, September 4, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Werther's Original
Werther's Original is my favourite candy, and I've received a lot of flack for admitting that. "It's old man candy!" they all say. I have two questions for those people:
1. What makes a candy an old-man candy?
2. Who cares?
Candy is candy. By definition, it is sweet and delicious. Wether's Original is sweet butterscotch hard candy that I've been eating since I was a young boy. See what I said there? I said "young boy". Not old man. I've never been an old man, and I still like Werther's Original. My opponents argue that it's old-man candy because old men eat it. I say to them that old men keep Werther's Original around to give to their grandchildren and other youngsters; therefore, if you must slap a demographic label on it, you should call it grandchildren candy.
You know, I really don't care that a lot of old men buy Werther's Original. It's still delicious. Why should I hate a delicious candy simply because old men happen to like it, too? Does it make it taste any less delicious? Is every piece of candy infused with old man cooties? Is the final step at the Werther's Original factory a tub full of naked old men and candy? No.
I have seen several old men eating mashed potatoes. Should I stop eating mashed potatoes since I quite clearly am not an old man? Am I not allowed to eat mashed potatoes until I have grandchildren? If your answer to that question is "Yes", then I will firmly extend my middle finger in your direction. Mashed potatoes are my favourite food. And Werther's Orginal are my favourite candy.
Up yours, Internet!
1. What makes a candy an old-man candy?
2. Who cares?
Candy is candy. By definition, it is sweet and delicious. Wether's Original is sweet butterscotch hard candy that I've been eating since I was a young boy. See what I said there? I said "young boy". Not old man. I've never been an old man, and I still like Werther's Original. My opponents argue that it's old-man candy because old men eat it. I say to them that old men keep Werther's Original around to give to their grandchildren and other youngsters; therefore, if you must slap a demographic label on it, you should call it grandchildren candy.
You know, I really don't care that a lot of old men buy Werther's Original. It's still delicious. Why should I hate a delicious candy simply because old men happen to like it, too? Does it make it taste any less delicious? Is every piece of candy infused with old man cooties? Is the final step at the Werther's Original factory a tub full of naked old men and candy? No.
I have seen several old men eating mashed potatoes. Should I stop eating mashed potatoes since I quite clearly am not an old man? Am I not allowed to eat mashed potatoes until I have grandchildren? If your answer to that question is "Yes", then I will firmly extend my middle finger in your direction. Mashed potatoes are my favourite food. And Werther's Orginal are my favourite candy.
Up yours, Internet!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Terminator Salvation
SORT-OF WARNING: may contain minor spoilers
I don't know what critics and other Terminator fans were expecting from this movie. Noah and I watched it last night, and we both enjoyed it. It's not the best of the franchise by any means, but it's a good action movie. It was exactly what I expected it to be. Yes, there were some continuity issues, but the core premise of the Terminator franchise has been "Hey, let's mess with continuity!" The first three movies were about using time travel to change the past and using the knowledge of the future to change that future. Terminator Salvation is the result of effing with the timeline. It's a different future than the one Kyle Reese told Sarah Connor about back in 1984. John Connor says as much. A lot of fans seem dissappointed that this movie didn't look exactly like the flash forwards to the post apocolyptic year of 2029. For one thing, the movie was set in 2018, so things are going to look different than in 2029. For another thing, with all of the robots and soldiers jumping around through time messing things up, the future is going to be different. Heck, Judgement Day was pushed back six years, so Skynet will have to play catch-up as it is.
Things that I liked:
1) The scar that John Connor had in the two visions of the future you see in T2 and T3 is explained.
2) Kyle Reese is played by the guy who played Checkov in the new Star Trek movie, and he actually kind of looks like a teenaged Michael Biehn.
3) The T-800 looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1984.
4) Sam Worthington's character was interesting.
5) No time travel.
Little things that I didn't like:
1) No Derek Reese (Kyle's brother in The Sarah Connor Chronicles). Would it have been so hard to replace the adorable little mute girl with Derek?
2) No terminators with rubber skin (mentioned by Kyle in the original movie)
3) The human prisoners didn't have barcode tattoos.
4) Molten steel, which destroyed the terminators in T2, didn't destroy the T-800.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Again With the Star Trek
Warning: More spoilers.
So I've reviewed the movie and given my thoughts on the changes. This post will be devoted to some of my favourite moments from the movie.
1) Captain Pike: the movie prominently featured Captain Christopher Pike, the first captain of the Enterprise. Fans remember him from the original pilot of the original series before Gene Rodenberry made the second pilot that introduced Star Trek as we know it. Pike wasn't terribly different than Kirk, but I've always held a special place for him in my heart. It was good to see him in a movie, albeit played by a different actor. In the movie, he's an important factor leading to Kirk becoming captain of the Enterprise.
2) The red ensign: a long-standing joke about Star Trek is the unfortunate "red ensign". Whenever an away team beamed down, it consisted of people such as Captain Kirk, Spock, Dr. McCoy, and an unknown character of low rank wearing a red shirt. More often than not, this character died violently. The writers of the movie purposefully and humorously provided a blatant "red ensign" moment. Captain Pike orders a space drop (sky diving from orbit). Reporting in drop suits are Kirt, Sulu, and some guy dressed in red that has made no previous appearance in the movie. His name was Ensign Olsen, or something like that. He was amusingly gung-ho about kicking Romulun ass, and the movie makers introduced his character in a way that you just absolutely know that he'll be dead in a few minutes. And what do you know: he pulls his chute too late, breaks his leg when he lands, falls over the edge of the drill, and gets sucked into jet of flame underneath the platform. I've never laughed so hard at such a horrible death.
3) Scotty's question about the future: Kirk and Spock Prime arrive at the lonely Federation outpost on the ice planet that Spock abandoned Kirk on. They find Scotty, and in the course of their discussion, it is mentioned that Spock Prime is from the future. "You're from the future?" Scotty enthusiastically asks. Spock Prime answers in the affirmative, to which Scotty, who clearly doesn't believe Spock Prime, asks, "Do they still have sandwiches there?"
4) Spock loses it: I mentioned this part in my review, so I won't go into detail. Kirk needs to take command over the Enterprise from Spock, using a regulation stating that someone who is strongly emotionally affected by the situation should be removed by command. Kirk antagonizes Spock, accusing him of not loving his recently-deceased mother, and Spock goes absolutely ape-shit, beats the tar out of Kirk, and only stops choking him when reprimanded by Sarek.
5) Ringtone: Near the beginning of the movie, when a young Jim Kirk steals his step-father's antique Corvette, his step-father calls Jim on the car's phone. The ringtone is the same annoying ringtone has been used on cellphones for years now. "Do-do-do-dooo! Do-do-do-dooo! Do-do-do-doo-doooooooo!" And the phone is a Nokia. Nice to see that Nokia will survive World War III.
6) Breaking the tension: After the beat-down Spock inflicted on Kirk in point number 4, the bridge crew stands around in an awkward silence. Scotty looks around with a wide-eyed expression, and then says, "I like this ship! It's very exciting."
7) Spock/Uhura romance: There's an episode of the original series where everyone is hanging out in the mess hall. Uhura starts singing a song, making it up on the spot, about the Enterprise and it's crew, and there's a verse about Spock that she sings directly to him. That's the most intimate moment between the two of them I can think of. The writers of the movie seemed to take that small, brief spark and run with it. I was surprised at first, and didn't really know what to think, but I eventually decided that I like it. I especially liked the look Kirk gave them when he realized that the two of them were a couple.
8) Kobaichi Maru: I have no clue if I spelled that correctly. It's the test in Star Fleet academy that was designed to be a no-win situation to see how cadets would react to it. It turns up in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn when Savik takes--and unavoidably fails--the test at the beginning of the film. As the movie goes on, it is said that Captain Kirk is the only who ever passed the test. Kirk finally explains to his son, David, that he reprogrammed the computer to change the variables of the test. In other words, he cheated. It was nice to actually be able to see that moment, especially when it is revealed that this is how Kirk first meets Spock, who is the designer of the test.
So I've reviewed the movie and given my thoughts on the changes. This post will be devoted to some of my favourite moments from the movie.
1) Captain Pike: the movie prominently featured Captain Christopher Pike, the first captain of the Enterprise. Fans remember him from the original pilot of the original series before Gene Rodenberry made the second pilot that introduced Star Trek as we know it. Pike wasn't terribly different than Kirk, but I've always held a special place for him in my heart. It was good to see him in a movie, albeit played by a different actor. In the movie, he's an important factor leading to Kirk becoming captain of the Enterprise.
2) The red ensign: a long-standing joke about Star Trek is the unfortunate "red ensign". Whenever an away team beamed down, it consisted of people such as Captain Kirk, Spock, Dr. McCoy, and an unknown character of low rank wearing a red shirt. More often than not, this character died violently. The writers of the movie purposefully and humorously provided a blatant "red ensign" moment. Captain Pike orders a space drop (sky diving from orbit). Reporting in drop suits are Kirt, Sulu, and some guy dressed in red that has made no previous appearance in the movie. His name was Ensign Olsen, or something like that. He was amusingly gung-ho about kicking Romulun ass, and the movie makers introduced his character in a way that you just absolutely know that he'll be dead in a few minutes. And what do you know: he pulls his chute too late, breaks his leg when he lands, falls over the edge of the drill, and gets sucked into jet of flame underneath the platform. I've never laughed so hard at such a horrible death.
3) Scotty's question about the future: Kirk and Spock Prime arrive at the lonely Federation outpost on the ice planet that Spock abandoned Kirk on. They find Scotty, and in the course of their discussion, it is mentioned that Spock Prime is from the future. "You're from the future?" Scotty enthusiastically asks. Spock Prime answers in the affirmative, to which Scotty, who clearly doesn't believe Spock Prime, asks, "Do they still have sandwiches there?"
4) Spock loses it: I mentioned this part in my review, so I won't go into detail. Kirk needs to take command over the Enterprise from Spock, using a regulation stating that someone who is strongly emotionally affected by the situation should be removed by command. Kirk antagonizes Spock, accusing him of not loving his recently-deceased mother, and Spock goes absolutely ape-shit, beats the tar out of Kirk, and only stops choking him when reprimanded by Sarek.
5) Ringtone: Near the beginning of the movie, when a young Jim Kirk steals his step-father's antique Corvette, his step-father calls Jim on the car's phone. The ringtone is the same annoying ringtone has been used on cellphones for years now. "Do-do-do-dooo! Do-do-do-dooo! Do-do-do-doo-doooooooo!" And the phone is a Nokia. Nice to see that Nokia will survive World War III.
6) Breaking the tension: After the beat-down Spock inflicted on Kirk in point number 4, the bridge crew stands around in an awkward silence. Scotty looks around with a wide-eyed expression, and then says, "I like this ship! It's very exciting."
7) Spock/Uhura romance: There's an episode of the original series where everyone is hanging out in the mess hall. Uhura starts singing a song, making it up on the spot, about the Enterprise and it's crew, and there's a verse about Spock that she sings directly to him. That's the most intimate moment between the two of them I can think of. The writers of the movie seemed to take that small, brief spark and run with it. I was surprised at first, and didn't really know what to think, but I eventually decided that I like it. I especially liked the look Kirk gave them when he realized that the two of them were a couple.
8) Kobaichi Maru: I have no clue if I spelled that correctly. It's the test in Star Fleet academy that was designed to be a no-win situation to see how cadets would react to it. It turns up in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn when Savik takes--and unavoidably fails--the test at the beginning of the film. As the movie goes on, it is said that Captain Kirk is the only who ever passed the test. Kirk finally explains to his son, David, that he reprogrammed the computer to change the variables of the test. In other words, he cheated. It was nice to actually be able to see that moment, especially when it is revealed that this is how Kirk first meets Spock, who is the designer of the test.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Star Trek
I'm a Trekkie. Not the loser kind of Trekkie who goes to Star Trek conventions wearing rubber Spock ears or a banana clip painted gold over my eyes. Heck, the only time I've ever been to the Vulcan, Alberta Trek Centre (which is about an hour away from where I've lived for most of the last seven years) was to ask directions to a funeral. I could beat up most other Trekkies, and I'm not a fighter. But I am a Trekkie nonetheless. I watched reruns of the original series when I was a kid, and I loved the movies. I was a faithful and devoted fan of The Next Generation, which is my favourite of the five TV series. I had a passing interest in Deep Space Nine. I watched Voyager faithfully even though it paled in comparison to the original series and TNG. And I thought Enterprise was one of the most under-rated TV series of this decade. I own Star Trek I through X, most of them the two-disc collectors editions, and I have numerous DVD fan collections.
This past Saturday, Avril and I went to watch the latest Star Trek movie, the reboot done by J.J. Abrams. The original characters played by a new cast. This movie very easily could have sucked. Thankfully, it didn't.
WARNING: the remainder of this post contains spoilers. If you haven't seen the movie yet, you may want to stop reading here and come back after you've seen the movie. Unless you hate Star Trek and don't care if I ruin the movie for you.
Let me make this perfectly clear right from the start: I love this new Star Trek movie. Chris Pine was a good Kirk (nobody can be Shatner without coming off as silly, and Pine wisely didn't try a Shatner impression. He managed to get the feel of Kirk without aping Shatner. In fact, the more I think about it, the more impressive that seems.) Zachary Quinto did an excellent job portraying Spock. Karl Urban was an amazing Dr. McCoy. Simon Pegg's portrayal of Scotty was one of the highlights of the movie, and I'm sad that he didn't play a larger role. Eric Bana as the bad guy, Nero, did an excellent job. Winona Ryder was an...interesting choice to play Spock's mother. I'm glad I didn't realize it was her until the end credits were rolling.
The writing was top-notch. They captured the essensce of the characters without falling into the rut that has been trapping Trek writers since the mid-'90s. This was the most refreshing Star Trek, on film or on TV, that I've seen in a long time. The direction was also refreshing and excellent. The special effects were great, and even the look of sets were great. The shuttle crafts taking the recruits for training looked well-used and real, something that Star Trek has never really done, and the engineering section of the Enterprise looked like it was the actual functioning engine room of a ship.
The story was engaging and emotionally gripping. The opening scene in which George Kirk sacrifices his life to allow the escape pods to get away while his wife is giving birth to James Kirk caused more than a just a few moist eyes. Leonard Nimoy's cameo as Spock Prime was nice to see, and it played a more important role to the plot than I was expecting. The destruction of Vulcan was a powerful moment, especially for Trekkies. Destroying Vulcan is almost as drastic as destroying Earth to us. Another powerful moment was when Kirk antagonized Spock into losing control of his emotions, which lead to Spock beating the crap out of Kirk.
An awesome movie. I loved it. Loved it!
But there is a small part of me that can't stop thinking about the drastic changes this movie has made to the Star Trek universe. Destroying Vulcan in the prequel to everything else that has happened over the last 40+ years that Star Trek has been around is huge. The planet Vulcan is gone. Only about 10,000 Vulcans out of 6 billion survived. Tuvok, from Voyager, most likely will never be born. The Federation will be fundamentally changed. I actually woke up around 3:00 Sunday morning wandering how the galaxy will be different by the time TNG roles around. The Star Trek universe is changed. My Star Trek universe!
But, like I said, that's just a small part of me. I'm interested and eager to see what the future holds for the Star Trek franchise.
This past Saturday, Avril and I went to watch the latest Star Trek movie, the reboot done by J.J. Abrams. The original characters played by a new cast. This movie very easily could have sucked. Thankfully, it didn't.
WARNING: the remainder of this post contains spoilers. If you haven't seen the movie yet, you may want to stop reading here and come back after you've seen the movie. Unless you hate Star Trek and don't care if I ruin the movie for you.
Let me make this perfectly clear right from the start: I love this new Star Trek movie. Chris Pine was a good Kirk (nobody can be Shatner without coming off as silly, and Pine wisely didn't try a Shatner impression. He managed to get the feel of Kirk without aping Shatner. In fact, the more I think about it, the more impressive that seems.) Zachary Quinto did an excellent job portraying Spock. Karl Urban was an amazing Dr. McCoy. Simon Pegg's portrayal of Scotty was one of the highlights of the movie, and I'm sad that he didn't play a larger role. Eric Bana as the bad guy, Nero, did an excellent job. Winona Ryder was an...interesting choice to play Spock's mother. I'm glad I didn't realize it was her until the end credits were rolling.
The writing was top-notch. They captured the essensce of the characters without falling into the rut that has been trapping Trek writers since the mid-'90s. This was the most refreshing Star Trek, on film or on TV, that I've seen in a long time. The direction was also refreshing and excellent. The special effects were great, and even the look of sets were great. The shuttle crafts taking the recruits for training looked well-used and real, something that Star Trek has never really done, and the engineering section of the Enterprise looked like it was the actual functioning engine room of a ship.
The story was engaging and emotionally gripping. The opening scene in which George Kirk sacrifices his life to allow the escape pods to get away while his wife is giving birth to James Kirk caused more than a just a few moist eyes. Leonard Nimoy's cameo as Spock Prime was nice to see, and it played a more important role to the plot than I was expecting. The destruction of Vulcan was a powerful moment, especially for Trekkies. Destroying Vulcan is almost as drastic as destroying Earth to us. Another powerful moment was when Kirk antagonized Spock into losing control of his emotions, which lead to Spock beating the crap out of Kirk.
An awesome movie. I loved it. Loved it!
But there is a small part of me that can't stop thinking about the drastic changes this movie has made to the Star Trek universe. Destroying Vulcan in the prequel to everything else that has happened over the last 40+ years that Star Trek has been around is huge. The planet Vulcan is gone. Only about 10,000 Vulcans out of 6 billion survived. Tuvok, from Voyager, most likely will never be born. The Federation will be fundamentally changed. I actually woke up around 3:00 Sunday morning wandering how the galaxy will be different by the time TNG roles around. The Star Trek universe is changed. My Star Trek universe!
But, like I said, that's just a small part of me. I'm interested and eager to see what the future holds for the Star Trek franchise.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
We didn't start the flame war
Watch We Didnt Start the Flame War on CollegeHumor
This video tickled me. College Humor has some funny stuff. You should check it out. Just a warning though: there is some bad language and this video in particular shows a picture of two girls making out.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
LGAA Notes
So I spent three days in Red Deer last week at the Local Government Administrators Association annual convention. When the first guest speaker started speaking, all of my fellow interns grabbed a pen and paper and started taking notes. "Pssshhh!" I said. "Notes! This isn't school." So I picked up my own pen and paper and took smart-ass notes. Some of the notes pertained to what the speaker said, and some were just random thoughts. I've provided parenthetical explanations where I deemed it appropriate. Either way, here they are. Enjoy:
-I am taking notes.
-Not to take away from her point, but I have never liked the letter E.
-The more she says "I Generation," the more I want to listen to my iPod.
-"I'll burn the building down." (This is an Office Space quote. The speaker was talking about a person who was upset that someone took her stapler."
-www.mikemackenzie.com
-"Join the I Generation" sounds like a Pepsi slogan.
-It should be FIPP, not FOIP. (This is referring to Alberta's Freedom of Information and Protection of Privacy Act, which is commonly abbreviated as FOIP, much to my chagrin.)
-Rod is such an A-hole.
-Uh-oh! Not the C-word!
-Mmm! Gum!
-Hey, that rhymes!
-Tee-hee-hee! She said panties!
-I lay on my back and put both legs in at the same time.
-Suck it, Lizzy! (Lizzy being Queen Elizabeth II)
-Nobody likes a smart-ass, Mik. (My name tag at the convention read "Mik MacKenzie," which amused me to no end.)
-Just like in Smallville.
-I'm a loner. A rebel.
-"But I still love technology/Always and forever."
-"How can anyone not like you?"
-Why are toothless children cute, but toothless adults are ugly?
-Real notes?
-Yeah, I can do that. (This has nothing to do with the "real notes" comment.)
1. Yes
2. Yeah
3. This does not apply
-170,000
-My doodling is usually words. I word doodle.
-Ha-ha-ha! "My beans!"
-Smartiac Attacks!
-I bet no one else in the room doodled Cthulu burning down the hotel. (The speaker had earlier encouraged us to doodle, and then at this point said that he bets that six or seven people in the room doodled the same thing. I'm pretty sure I was an exception, because I had doodled Cthulu stand above a burning picture of Red Deer's Capri Centre and saying, "Blargh! My arms are too short!")
-Hooray for ABBA!
-I think Kurtis was abducted by aliens. Or maybe eaten by Cthulu.
-Slums of Jakarta would make a pretty good band name.
-My name is not Mik. It's not Erik, either.
-She looks like an older version of Maria Keen. (Maria was a friend of mine in my single days.)
-This is the most boring birthday ever. I better win the laptop. (I didn't.) It's not the worst birthday ever, though.
-Except for Highway 21, of course.
-I should grow my hair long enough to stick a pen in it. Or maybe my beard.
-31 years old, and I have a zit on my nose.
-2+2 does not equal 6, stupid.
-time for the birthday dance! (Then I drew I stick figure dancing.)
-Who's talking?
-I hate it when people say "were" instead of "we're".
-"The near term"; I like that.
I had four more pages of quality notes from Thursday, but the cleaning staff threw them away when I wasn't looking.
-I am taking notes.
-Not to take away from her point, but I have never liked the letter E.
-The more she says "I Generation," the more I want to listen to my iPod.
-"I'll burn the building down." (This is an Office Space quote. The speaker was talking about a person who was upset that someone took her stapler."
-www.mikemackenzie.com
-"Join the I Generation" sounds like a Pepsi slogan.
-It should be FIPP, not FOIP. (This is referring to Alberta's Freedom of Information and Protection of Privacy Act, which is commonly abbreviated as FOIP, much to my chagrin.)
-Rod is such an A-hole.
-Uh-oh! Not the C-word!
-Mmm! Gum!
-Hey, that rhymes!
-Tee-hee-hee! She said panties!
-I lay on my back and put both legs in at the same time.
-Suck it, Lizzy! (Lizzy being Queen Elizabeth II)
-Nobody likes a smart-ass, Mik. (My name tag at the convention read "Mik MacKenzie," which amused me to no end.)
-Just like in Smallville.
-I'm a loner. A rebel.
-"But I still love technology/Always and forever."
-"How can anyone not like you?"
-Why are toothless children cute, but toothless adults are ugly?
-Real notes?
-Yeah, I can do that. (This has nothing to do with the "real notes" comment.)
1. Yes
2. Yeah
3. This does not apply
-170,000
-My doodling is usually words. I word doodle.
-Ha-ha-ha! "My beans!"
-Smartiac Attacks!
-I bet no one else in the room doodled Cthulu burning down the hotel. (The speaker had earlier encouraged us to doodle, and then at this point said that he bets that six or seven people in the room doodled the same thing. I'm pretty sure I was an exception, because I had doodled Cthulu stand above a burning picture of Red Deer's Capri Centre and saying, "Blargh! My arms are too short!")
-Hooray for ABBA!
-I think Kurtis was abducted by aliens. Or maybe eaten by Cthulu.
-Slums of Jakarta would make a pretty good band name.
-My name is not Mik. It's not Erik, either.
-She looks like an older version of Maria Keen. (Maria was a friend of mine in my single days.)
-This is the most boring birthday ever. I better win the laptop. (I didn't.) It's not the worst birthday ever, though.
-Except for Highway 21, of course.
-I should grow my hair long enough to stick a pen in it. Or maybe my beard.
-31 years old, and I have a zit on my nose.
-2+2 does not equal 6, stupid.
-time for the birthday dance! (Then I drew I stick figure dancing.)
-Who's talking?
-I hate it when people say "were" instead of "we're".
-"The near term"; I like that.
I had four more pages of quality notes from Thursday, but the cleaning staff threw them away when I wasn't looking.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Fear From Fiction
I was raised on R-rated horror movies. I've been watching them for as long as I can remember. Alien, Aliens, Poltergeist, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Shining. I could go on. What do those movies I just listed have in common? I saw them all before I was 10 years old. As a result, I'm very desensitized to horror, both in film and books. I enjoy horror, yes, but it doesn't really scare me. There are only two movies I can think of that can scare me: The Shining (specifically, the naked dead woman that Jack Nicholson made out with) and Signs. The Shining still scares me because I always revert back to the quivering 7-year-old boy lying on the family room floor in the basement of my house in Cole Harbour. Signs scares me because it's a masterfully made suspense movie that touches on fears that resonate just right with me.
Some video games can scare me, but that's because they're interactive and pull me in more than any book or movie can.
So here I am, going through life watching horror movies and reading dozens of Stephen King books, not even flinching at the horrors inside. Then, last week, I bought a book: Bloodcurdling Tales of Horror and the Macabre: the Best of H.P. Lovecraft. Stephen King recommends him. Lovecraft is basically the father of modern horror. Since I'm an aspiring author who sometimes dabbles in writing horror, I figured I'd read some of his work. As a general rule, I hate early 20th century fiction, and when I started reading the first story ("The Rats in the Wall"), I figured that this was going to be no exception. However, once I got into the meat of the story, I realized that H.P. Lovecraft is seriously effed up. I loved the story. It disturbed me in a delightful way. I read a couple of other stories, but then decided to skip ahead to read "The Call of Cthulhu", one of his most famous stories. I finished reading it last night. I put it down, intending to go to bed, but there was just one problem: the thought of going to bed, alone (Avril and the boys are out of town), in my dark bedroom terrified me. I couldn't get the image of Cthulhu out of my head. Here's a picture of him:
Note the tiny man falling from his claws, and the dead guys on the rock in the foreground. I was sure that I would be haunted by the giant, octopus-headed ancient alien in my sleep. So I stayed up for another hour or two distracting myself with the Mo-Board. When I finally went to sleep, instead of Cthulhu, I dreamt about Star Wars.
Some video games can scare me, but that's because they're interactive and pull me in more than any book or movie can.
So here I am, going through life watching horror movies and reading dozens of Stephen King books, not even flinching at the horrors inside. Then, last week, I bought a book: Bloodcurdling Tales of Horror and the Macabre: the Best of H.P. Lovecraft. Stephen King recommends him. Lovecraft is basically the father of modern horror. Since I'm an aspiring author who sometimes dabbles in writing horror, I figured I'd read some of his work. As a general rule, I hate early 20th century fiction, and when I started reading the first story ("The Rats in the Wall"), I figured that this was going to be no exception. However, once I got into the meat of the story, I realized that H.P. Lovecraft is seriously effed up. I loved the story. It disturbed me in a delightful way. I read a couple of other stories, but then decided to skip ahead to read "The Call of Cthulhu", one of his most famous stories. I finished reading it last night. I put it down, intending to go to bed, but there was just one problem: the thought of going to bed, alone (Avril and the boys are out of town), in my dark bedroom terrified me. I couldn't get the image of Cthulhu out of my head. Here's a picture of him:
Note the tiny man falling from his claws, and the dead guys on the rock in the foreground. I was sure that I would be haunted by the giant, octopus-headed ancient alien in my sleep. So I stayed up for another hour or two distracting myself with the Mo-Board. When I finally went to sleep, instead of Cthulhu, I dreamt about Star Wars.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
My Bookmarks
Here is a list and descriptions of the websites that I visit on a daily basis:
Cracked.com "America's Only Humor & Video Site, Since 1958"
For years, Cracked magazine was the most successful Mad magazine clone on the market. Cracked magazine is no longer in print, and really, is Mad really going to be that far behind? Are there still people out there who find the Mad-style of humor funny? No, I didn't think so. Cracked decided to focus all of its efforts into its website, which is a million times more funny than the magazine ever was. Part of the reason that I like it might be because the writers are predominantly men who are close to my age and have similar interests that I do. Nerdish interests. They specialize in list-based articles (they also specialize in dick jokes). For example:
8 Customers Everyone Hates
7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey
7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons
The 20 Most Ridiculous Batman Comics Ever Released
The 7 Dumbest Things Ever Done by Airport Security
There are also six full-time bloggers on staff. My favourite two of these bloggers are Daniel O'Brien and Michael Swaim. Michael Swaim is also the host of Cracked TV, an online series of short videos which is really just more list-based humor.
The Mo-Board "A place for Mo-Mos, Non-Mos, Ex-Mos, and even Anti-Mos to make friends and chat."
While the Mo-Board isn't the birth of hyperferrianism (that would be bolt.com), it is his current place of residence. One of the many, many message boards on bolt.com was the Mormonism/LDS board. As time went on, and bolt rapidly became a place that was unbearable to be (I'm not just being an ass; the place no longer exists), one regular frequenter of the Mormonism/LDS board saw fit to venture over to Proboards and create The Mormon Board, which eventually became the Mo-Board. There was a mass exodus of the regulars of bolt's Mormonism/LDS board to Andrew's new Mo-Board, a place free of the many, many, many ills of bolt.com. We're a very tight-knit group, and I consider most of them real friends, not the lesser breed of online acquaintances. Several of the members of the board have met in real life. Personally, the only two members of the board that I've met are the two that I knew in real life before the Mo-Board existed, but I plan to change that someday.
Facebook
You all know how I feel about Facebook.
Mary's Attempt at a Blog
This is my younger sister's blog. She blogs and posts pictures of herself and her family.
The Emily Needs to Take More Pictures Blog
This is my youngest sister's blog, which she doesn't update nearly often enough.
Pat's Photo A Day "A scrapbooking grandmother's pictorial journey through life, one day at a time."
This is my mother's blog. She uses it to post pictures and talk about grandmotherly things. It is also the source of most of the family news that comes my way.
Mommy Moments "Tales of 3 great kids and their snap-happy Mom"
This is the blog of one of my older sisters. Like Mary, she uses it to blog and post pictures of herself and her family. She's also a professional photographer, so they're really nice pictures.
Edmonton Oilers - The Official Web Site
My favourite hockey team's official web site. It is a source of great joy, anger, and frustration. It's also a great resource for when I miss hockey games due to travel, Tree House, or Rock Band.
hyperblogianism "Jokes, social commentary, and other miscellaneous thoughts of my online persona, hyperferrianism"
I don't think a description for this one is necessary.
MiKenzie, Inc. "Established 1978. Mike MacKenzie, President; Avril MacKenzie, CEO; Kenneth MacKenzie, Jr. Vice President; Alexander MacKenzie, Not An Explorer"
My first blog. This is where I keep people updated on my family. MiKenzie, Inc. was coined by my former roommate, Zac Erickson, and is an amalgamation of "Mike" and "MacKenzie".
Jandrew Edits "a collection of humorously edited footage"
I was introduced to Jandrew Edits by cracked.com, which will often post links to sites that they enjoy. This guy takes existing footage (mostly from Star Trek: The Next Generation and, more recently, Back to the Future) and cleverly edits them for short, funny clips. My favourite one is called "Bridge Buffoonery"
Memories of the '90s "I'm either one of the youngest Gen X-ers or one of the oldest Gen Y-ers, depending on which text book you look in. I turned 12 in March of 1990, and these are my memories of being a teenager in the last decade of the 20th Century."
My third blog.
Avrilcakes
This is my wife's substitute for a blog. It's her Shutterfly page, where she posts pictures of her family life. It also has a journal feature, which she uses as a blog.
amywoolf
The blog of another one of my older sisters. Like Mary and Sara, she uses it to blog and post pictures of herself and her family.
White Ninja Comics
Another site that Cracked.com introduced me to. It's a comic strip that updates three times a week chronicling the adventures of White Ninja, a man with an unclear history whose age changes from strip to strip. Sometimes he has a wife and kids. Sometimes his kids are teenagers, and sometimes they're little. Sometimes he's a child. He's even a baby in one strip. It's hard to put a finger on why it's such a funny comic strip, but I absolutely love it. I'll post some of my favourite strips here.
Cracked.com "America's Only Humor & Video Site, Since 1958"
For years, Cracked magazine was the most successful Mad magazine clone on the market. Cracked magazine is no longer in print, and really, is Mad really going to be that far behind? Are there still people out there who find the Mad-style of humor funny? No, I didn't think so. Cracked decided to focus all of its efforts into its website, which is a million times more funny than the magazine ever was. Part of the reason that I like it might be because the writers are predominantly men who are close to my age and have similar interests that I do. Nerdish interests. They specialize in list-based articles (they also specialize in dick jokes). For example:
8 Customers Everyone Hates
7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey
7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons
The 20 Most Ridiculous Batman Comics Ever Released
The 7 Dumbest Things Ever Done by Airport Security
There are also six full-time bloggers on staff. My favourite two of these bloggers are Daniel O'Brien and Michael Swaim. Michael Swaim is also the host of Cracked TV, an online series of short videos which is really just more list-based humor.
The Mo-Board "A place for Mo-Mos, Non-Mos, Ex-Mos, and even Anti-Mos to make friends and chat."
While the Mo-Board isn't the birth of hyperferrianism (that would be bolt.com), it is his current place of residence. One of the many, many message boards on bolt.com was the Mormonism/LDS board. As time went on, and bolt rapidly became a place that was unbearable to be (I'm not just being an ass; the place no longer exists), one regular frequenter of the Mormonism/LDS board saw fit to venture over to Proboards and create The Mormon Board, which eventually became the Mo-Board. There was a mass exodus of the regulars of bolt's Mormonism/LDS board to Andrew's new Mo-Board, a place free of the many, many, many ills of bolt.com. We're a very tight-knit group, and I consider most of them real friends, not the lesser breed of online acquaintances. Several of the members of the board have met in real life. Personally, the only two members of the board that I've met are the two that I knew in real life before the Mo-Board existed, but I plan to change that someday.
You all know how I feel about Facebook.
Mary's Attempt at a Blog
This is my younger sister's blog. She blogs and posts pictures of herself and her family.
The Emily Needs to Take More Pictures Blog
This is my youngest sister's blog, which she doesn't update nearly often enough.
Pat's Photo A Day "A scrapbooking grandmother's pictorial journey through life, one day at a time."
This is my mother's blog. She uses it to post pictures and talk about grandmotherly things. It is also the source of most of the family news that comes my way.
Mommy Moments "Tales of 3 great kids and their snap-happy Mom"
This is the blog of one of my older sisters. Like Mary, she uses it to blog and post pictures of herself and her family. She's also a professional photographer, so they're really nice pictures.
Edmonton Oilers - The Official Web Site
My favourite hockey team's official web site. It is a source of great joy, anger, and frustration. It's also a great resource for when I miss hockey games due to travel, Tree House, or Rock Band.
hyperblogianism "Jokes, social commentary, and other miscellaneous thoughts of my online persona, hyperferrianism"
I don't think a description for this one is necessary.
MiKenzie, Inc. "Established 1978. Mike MacKenzie, President; Avril MacKenzie, CEO; Kenneth MacKenzie, Jr. Vice President; Alexander MacKenzie, Not An Explorer"
My first blog. This is where I keep people updated on my family. MiKenzie, Inc. was coined by my former roommate, Zac Erickson, and is an amalgamation of "Mike" and "MacKenzie".
Jandrew Edits "a collection of humorously edited footage"
I was introduced to Jandrew Edits by cracked.com, which will often post links to sites that they enjoy. This guy takes existing footage (mostly from Star Trek: The Next Generation and, more recently, Back to the Future) and cleverly edits them for short, funny clips. My favourite one is called "Bridge Buffoonery"
Memories of the '90s "I'm either one of the youngest Gen X-ers or one of the oldest Gen Y-ers, depending on which text book you look in. I turned 12 in March of 1990, and these are my memories of being a teenager in the last decade of the 20th Century."
My third blog.
Avrilcakes
This is my wife's substitute for a blog. It's her Shutterfly page, where she posts pictures of her family life. It also has a journal feature, which she uses as a blog.
amywoolf
The blog of another one of my older sisters. Like Mary and Sara, she uses it to blog and post pictures of herself and her family.
White Ninja Comics
Another site that Cracked.com introduced me to. It's a comic strip that updates three times a week chronicling the adventures of White Ninja, a man with an unclear history whose age changes from strip to strip. Sometimes he has a wife and kids. Sometimes his kids are teenagers, and sometimes they're little. Sometimes he's a child. He's even a baby in one strip. It's hard to put a finger on why it's such a funny comic strip, but I absolutely love it. I'll post some of my favourite strips here.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Why Facebook Sucks
First of all, check out this video on YouTube: Facebook In Reality
Okay, now let's talk Facebook. I joined Facebook a couple of years ago after being pressured by my sisters to join. Despite my reluctance to join, I loved Facebook for about a month after I actually joined. It was a great way to keep in touch with my large family, and I was able to find friends I hadn't spoken to in years. High school friends, mission friends, and the like. We got to share pictures of our children and our activities. I was also a big fan of the various apps that had trivia: flixter, Smallville, The Simpsons. I was working at a motel, and I had a lot of spare time on my hands, and it was the perfect way to keep myself occupied. However, I soon tired of trivia, mostly because the questions were written by the users of the features, and we all know that most people are stupid and can't string together a coherent sentence, much less a viable multiple choice question.
Here is what Facebook is good for:
1. Wishing my sisters happy birthday without having to phone them.
2. Looking at pictures of my nieces and nephews that haven't already been posted on a blog that I follow.
3. Finding out where my old friends are.
Here is why I avoid going to Facebook:
1. Ads. "Dread Going Back To Work? Read how I make over $4500 every month part-time from home."
2. Requests. Friend requests I'm fine with. That's the purpose of Facebook. But I have received this request dozens of times: "Hey, I added you as my relative. Could you do me a favor and add this application, then add your relatives too? This way I can see who on facebook I am related to..." You know what? I added this application last year. But even more annoying are things like this: "[name removed] sent a request using (Lil) Blue Cove: Here is a Frenchfry fish for your (Lil) Blue Cove. Could you help me by sending a fish back? Together we can fight Global Warming!" What the hell? Listen, I love the aunt who sent this to me, but seriously, what the hell? None of that makes any damn sense! Really, look at that quote and think about it. And how does sending made-up fish to pretend (Lil) Blue Coves help fight Global Warming. Also, interesting use of parentheses and capitalization.
3. Apps. Or applications, for you old fogies who aren't techno-savvy. The only thing these worthless, mind-numbing things are good for is cluttering up your profile. I especially hate apps that won't let you do anything without sending requests to 20 friends first.
4. Join my group! There are a few groups that would be worth joining. An example of a group that I like is the one for people who served in the Philippines Tacloban Mission. If there's one thing I like to do, it's reminisce, and what better thing to reminisce about than my mission. Most groups, however, are pointless and often humorously specific. Hey, join my group for males born between March 18 and March 22 who like to keep their hair cut short and part it in the middle!
5. Friend requests from complete strangers. I get a lot of these from Filipinos, for some reason. It's like they feel the need to be Facebook-friends with every white person who has set foot in the Philippines. On Facebook, I am only friends with people I know in real life or who I have known consistently online for several year.
6. The "People you may know" feature. I clicked on "see all", and they listed 27 people I may know. I knew who 11 of them were, and of those 11, I wouldn't be able to pick eight of them out of a line-up.
7. Searches. I had a friend when I was a kid named David Jones. Do a search on Facebook for David Jones and see how many results you get. Facebook has the most laughable advanced search parameters I've ever seen on the Internet.
8. Gifts. Gee, thanks for the picture of something cool I might like in real life.
9. Poke. It's not acceptable behaviour in real life, so why would it be acceptable behaviour online?
10. Blogs are better anyway.
Okay, now let's talk Facebook. I joined Facebook a couple of years ago after being pressured by my sisters to join. Despite my reluctance to join, I loved Facebook for about a month after I actually joined. It was a great way to keep in touch with my large family, and I was able to find friends I hadn't spoken to in years. High school friends, mission friends, and the like. We got to share pictures of our children and our activities. I was also a big fan of the various apps that had trivia: flixter, Smallville, The Simpsons. I was working at a motel, and I had a lot of spare time on my hands, and it was the perfect way to keep myself occupied. However, I soon tired of trivia, mostly because the questions were written by the users of the features, and we all know that most people are stupid and can't string together a coherent sentence, much less a viable multiple choice question.
Here is what Facebook is good for:
1. Wishing my sisters happy birthday without having to phone them.
2. Looking at pictures of my nieces and nephews that haven't already been posted on a blog that I follow.
3. Finding out where my old friends are.
Here is why I avoid going to Facebook:
1. Ads. "Dread Going Back To Work? Read how I make over $4500 every month part-time from home."
2. Requests. Friend requests I'm fine with. That's the purpose of Facebook. But I have received this request dozens of times: "Hey, I added you as my relative. Could you do me a favor and add this application, then add your relatives too? This way I can see who on facebook I am related to..." You know what? I added this application last year. But even more annoying are things like this: "[name removed] sent a request using (Lil) Blue Cove: Here is a Frenchfry fish for your (Lil) Blue Cove. Could you help me by sending a fish back? Together we can fight Global Warming!" What the hell? Listen, I love the aunt who sent this to me, but seriously, what the hell? None of that makes any damn sense! Really, look at that quote and think about it. And how does sending made-up fish to pretend (Lil) Blue Coves help fight Global Warming. Also, interesting use of parentheses and capitalization.
3. Apps. Or applications, for you old fogies who aren't techno-savvy. The only thing these worthless, mind-numbing things are good for is cluttering up your profile. I especially hate apps that won't let you do anything without sending requests to 20 friends first.
4. Join my group! There are a few groups that would be worth joining. An example of a group that I like is the one for people who served in the Philippines Tacloban Mission. If there's one thing I like to do, it's reminisce, and what better thing to reminisce about than my mission. Most groups, however, are pointless and often humorously specific. Hey, join my group for males born between March 18 and March 22 who like to keep their hair cut short and part it in the middle!
5. Friend requests from complete strangers. I get a lot of these from Filipinos, for some reason. It's like they feel the need to be Facebook-friends with every white person who has set foot in the Philippines. On Facebook, I am only friends with people I know in real life or who I have known consistently online for several year.
6. The "People you may know" feature. I clicked on "see all", and they listed 27 people I may know. I knew who 11 of them were, and of those 11, I wouldn't be able to pick eight of them out of a line-up.
7. Searches. I had a friend when I was a kid named David Jones. Do a search on Facebook for David Jones and see how many results you get. Facebook has the most laughable advanced search parameters I've ever seen on the Internet.
8. Gifts. Gee, thanks for the picture of something cool I might like in real life.
9. Poke. It's not acceptable behaviour in real life, so why would it be acceptable behaviour online?
10. Blogs are better anyway.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Titles
There's an Internet meme that has been circulating for a few years now where you go to wikipedia and click on "random article" and use the titles of the articles to come up with your band name, title of your album, and song titles. I did it a couple of times, but then I decided that I would cut out the middle man and just come up with my own band name, album title, and song titles without the help of wikipedia. Here's what I came up with:
Band Name: Psychic Mind Twins
Album Title: Titles Are Hard
Tracks:
1) I Once Knew a Guy What Lost a Hand and an Eye Fishing With Dynamite
2) I Hope I Can Find a CIBC Closer Than Downtown Edmonton Since They Closed The One I Used To Go To
3) This Song Has Some Nice Male/Female Harmony (You'll Like It)
4) Nickelbackesque
5) Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Flat?
6) Everyone Calls Them Kleenex, But They're Really Facial Tissues
7) If You Ask For a Napkin In The Philippines, You'll Get Maxi-pads
8) This Song Would Make a Really Crappy Ring Tone
9) I Don't Really Have Eye Cancer; It Was Just a Joke
10) People Who Comment On YouTube Videos Are Jackasses
Band Name: Psychic Mind Twins
Album Title: Titles Are Hard
Tracks:
1) I Once Knew a Guy What Lost a Hand and an Eye Fishing With Dynamite
2) I Hope I Can Find a CIBC Closer Than Downtown Edmonton Since They Closed The One I Used To Go To
3) This Song Has Some Nice Male/Female Harmony (You'll Like It)
4) Nickelbackesque
5) Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Flat?
6) Everyone Calls Them Kleenex, But They're Really Facial Tissues
7) If You Ask For a Napkin In The Philippines, You'll Get Maxi-pads
8) This Song Would Make a Really Crappy Ring Tone
9) I Don't Really Have Eye Cancer; It Was Just a Joke
10) People Who Comment On YouTube Videos Are Jackasses
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Memories of the 90s
Check out my new blog. It's probably my most interesting one. http://hyper90s.blogspot.com/
Names
This is the history of my online identities:
I was introduced to the Internet in 1994, but I never actually used it until 1996 in my senior year at high school. I joined a chat room. I forget what it was called, but it seemed very popular. I needed to come up with a screen name, so I chose the main character from the novel I had floating in my head. The name was inspired by Noah. A year or two previously, he came up with the name Stormy Dexterous. The name always tickled me, but it was too out-there for the name of a story character in the type of novel I had in mind. So I changed it, simply, to Stormy D. and added my grandmother's maiden name, Logan. Stormy D. Logan. The D, at a later date, was determined to be short for Daryl. Thus, my original screen name was born. All hail Stormy D. Logan! Currently, he is the drummer in my Rock Band and Rock Band 2 band called Psychic Mind Twins.
Fast forward to November 2000. I was recently returned from my mission, and Noah introduced me to bolt.com. When I joined, I was just going to use Stormy D. Logan. Noah told me that that was boring and that I need to make up a nonsense word (he was currently using the name "headolence"). I decided to stick to the roots of Stormy D. Logan. I took the word "dexterous" and transformed it into pneumodexterism. Thus, my second real screen name was born.
Pneumodexterism was me. I wanted another persona that I could fool around with without ruining my reputation as pneumo. So I created another nonsense word: hyperferrianism. Originally, he was effeminate (hence the shoe) and air-headed. He didn't make much of an impact. Headolence had an angry, offensive alter-ego called I_Hate_Babies. He was overbearingly offensive, especially towards the Wiccans on bolt. It seemed like a lot of fun, so hyper made the drastic change from gay air-head to ultra-conservative, ultra-offensive Wicca-basher. He made a huge impact. I kept up that offensiveness for about a month. One day, one of the Wiccans (a girl named MoonCreature) decided to only reply to my insults by telling me, sarcastically, that she loved me. After she did this a few times, I thought it would be funny to return her love and make a 180 degree turn. Over night, instead of a Wicca-basher, I became a Wicca-lover. For years, I was a well-loved mainstay of the bolt Wicca board. Hyper became my real persona, and pneumo fell by the wayside.
A list of the various trolls I had on bolt.com:
joe_socks was stupid. His greatest moment on the Mormonism/LDS board at bolt was his post "morsanism" where he said DSL instead of LDS and wondered if we all sat around talking about polygamy and internet "conecshuns". I forget how I came up with the name.
Magenta_Moon_Pants was a delightful girl. She was a very fluffy Wiccan. Her name was a spoof of the names Wiccans came up with for themselves.
CaptainGrammar corrected grammar, and was devoted to wiping out Internet stupidity. His name is self-explanatory.
ForgetNorway was an interesting fellow. On the surface, he seemed well-spoken and intelligent, but the subject matter of what he wrote about proved to be a little spacey. His name was based on an Internet cartoon called "Kenya" by a guy who called himself weebl.
PayDayLoans was crude and offensive, and I'm ashamed that I ever created him. I came up with this name by looking out the window of Howard Johnson and seeing Pay Day Loans across the street.
Nalibug was a stoner. People thought his name was nailbug, but those people need to work on their reading comprehension. Nalibug is Filipino for confused.
hyperferrrianism (notice the three Rs) I created when the Mormon board was flooded with clones of all the regulars. No one cloned me, and I was jealous, so I cloned myself.
Dr. Renticulus was a cartoonish villain. He was based on the following comic strip: http://angryflower.com/comesh.gif. Fun guy.
antiwiccanistic. After hyperferrianism turned his back on his Wicca-bashing ways, I created antiwiccanistic to scratch the occasional itch to bash Wiccans without making my Wiccan friends mad at me.
angrofoliac was an enigma to me. I never really got who exactly he was. He wasn't a nice guy, but his anger lacked focus, and he never made a name for himself. His name was a made-up word using "anger" as the root.
sexaholism was a spoof of guys who are very crude and forward about soliciting cyber-sex.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Hyper's a Dick
Last week, I felt that I was in great comedic form on the Mo-Board. Snappy remark after snappy remark. Also, I was a total dick. I didn't mean any of it, but sometimes when something strikes me funny, I'll say it even if I shouldn't. I only think I crossed the line once, though. Let's look at some examples of me sacrificing manners for humor.
Post Title: 7 R****** Food Myths the Internet Thinks are Real
I posted a link to an article on cracked.com that listed seven myths about food that are popularly believed largely in part due to the Internet and mass e-mail forwards. Funny, but nothing that I came up with on my own.
Noah (aka Mr. Dubious) had this to say in response:
"There are 3 things wrong with this topic:
1. They aren't r*******.
2. They aren't myths.
3. The Internet doesn't think. It knows."
To which I replied:
"All excellent points...that you can shove up your @$$!!!!!"
Rude, but no big deal. Noah and I have a long history of being dicks to each other online. It's all in good fun, and makes us better friends in the real world.
Post Title: Moon Base by 2010
One of the regular contributers to the Mo-Board posted this:
"The U.S. is planning a permanent moon base. Schedule: Robot mission to scout sites in 2010, first set-up mission in 2020, permanent occupation by 2024."
Probably true, and interesting to boot. My reply? Observe:
"Yeah, I've read that sci-fi novel, too."
Kind of rude, but it could be misunderstood as a misunderstanding. In response, she provided a link as a reference to back up what she was saying. Instead of leaving it at that, I said:
"Ben Bova wrote it in 1987."
I ignored her reference and told her who wrote the sci-fi novel I had referred to earlier. Getting ruder. She provided a longer, more detailed reference from the Library of Congress. This was my reply:
I was stubbornly ignoring her credible sources and insisting that the whole thing was a Ben Bova novel. (Sidenote: at this point, a third party said "That might be in the Library of Congress, too" which made me chuckle.)
My friend wasn't ready to go along with my joke (or maybe she didn't realize I was joking yet), so she said:
"I gave you a credible source. You guys should just look it up yourself."
To which I replied:
"What? My source isn't credible? He's Ben Freaking Bova!"
And then she said:
"I'm not disputing the fact that some guy wrote a book."
That made me laugh. Nicely said, woman-whose-name-I'm-not-using-without-her-permission. But I wasn't done:
"Thank you, [NAME OMITTED], for admitting that you were wrong."
Now that's being a dick!
Post Title: Polytheism
The Mo-Board keeps track of the number of posts each member has made and assigns a title based on the number of posts the person has made. Since the Mo-Board was founded as a Mormonism discussion forum, the titles are church-based: Primary child, Bishop, Stake President, etc. Once a member reaches 5000 posts, they are given the title "God", unless that person is a moderator, in which case their title is always "Moderator". I was the first non-moderator to achieve godhood. The second was the same woman from the above Moon Base discussion. When she was awarded the God title, I started a thread pointing out that there were two gods. A little background before I go on: woman-whose-name-I'm-not-using-without-her-permission (Wwninuwhp) has been divorced twice, and has recently been embroiled in custody battles for her son.
Mr. Dubious replied:
"I can fix this...They just need to get married, because THAT's Mormonism."
I hesitated momentarily, but then decided that this was too funny to go unsaid:
"Sure, okay.
Hey, Wwninuwhp! WWNINUWHP! We're gettin' hitched. Third time's a charm, am I right? Ring's in the mail."
Funny? Yes. Did I cross a line? Yes. I actually apologized to her for that one.
So there you have it: hyperferrianism is a dick.
I was stubbornly ignoring her credible sources and insisting that the whole thing was a Ben Bova novel. (Sidenote: at this point, a third party said "That might be in the Library of Congress, too" which made me chuckle.)
My friend wasn't ready to go along with my joke (or maybe she didn't realize I was joking yet), so she said:
"I gave you a credible source. You guys should just look it up yourself."
To which I replied:
"What? My source isn't credible? He's Ben Freaking Bova!"
And then she said:
"I'm not disputing the fact that some guy wrote a book."
That made me laugh. Nicely said, woman-whose-name-I'm-not-using-without-her-permission. But I wasn't done:
"Thank you, [NAME OMITTED], for admitting that you were wrong."
Now that's being a dick!
Post Title: Polytheism
The Mo-Board keeps track of the number of posts each member has made and assigns a title based on the number of posts the person has made. Since the Mo-Board was founded as a Mormonism discussion forum, the titles are church-based: Primary child, Bishop, Stake President, etc. Once a member reaches 5000 posts, they are given the title "God", unless that person is a moderator, in which case their title is always "Moderator". I was the first non-moderator to achieve godhood. The second was the same woman from the above Moon Base discussion. When she was awarded the God title, I started a thread pointing out that there were two gods. A little background before I go on: woman-whose-name-I'm-not-using-without-her-permission (Wwninuwhp) has been divorced twice, and has recently been embroiled in custody battles for her son.
Mr. Dubious replied:
"I can fix this...They just need to get married, because THAT's Mormonism."
I hesitated momentarily, but then decided that this was too funny to go unsaid:
"Sure, okay.
Hey, Wwninuwhp! WWNINUWHP! We're gettin' hitched. Third time's a charm, am I right? Ring's in the mail."
Funny? Yes. Did I cross a line? Yes. I actually apologized to her for that one.
So there you have it: hyperferrianism is a dick.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Quotes
I spend most of my time on the Internet at a message board called "The Mo-Board". As a group, we have known each other since about 2001. Here is a list of some of the things I have said that tickle me (Those of you who know me in real life may not recognize this side of my personality):
"People who talk too loud are as bad as Hitler."
"I saw a girl at school wearing a chef's had today, and this poem leapt fully-formed into my mind:
I wish I had a chef's hat.
I'd wear it everyday.
No one could disuade me
Even if they called me gay.
"There's nothing wrong with homos,"
I'd say with indignation.
If you don't believe me,
Just check with the fire station.
Poems are not my strong point
As you can plainly see.
But I'd rather write a bad poem
Than get stung by a bee."
"I sprinkle ground coffee beans on top of my hot chocolate every morning, and I spike my non-alcoholic beer with heroin."
"Tojo's a gay dog. He tried to hump my arm the other day, and my arm is a boy."
"My wife and her sister went up to Calgary to watch a horse-jumping competition. (That's horses jumping over obstacles, not people jumping over horses.)"
"You couldn't commit regicide if the King was lying drunk at your feet and you had an automatic king-slayer machine pistol."
"I hate random, arbitrary superstitions. Here, I'll make one up, and then we can all enforce it on our friends and family:
If you blow your nose with toilet paper on Valentine's Day, the leader of your country will die in a cotton candy related accident.
Spread the word! This is not superstition, it is cold hard FACT! Only a month and a half until Valentine's Day, so hurry! For the love of Stephen Harper, hurry!"
"If fat guys aren't funny, they're nothing!"
"Why does spirit-uplifting music always have to suck?"
"I had a headache, too, until I took some Extra Strength Tylenol.
Yes, Extra Strength Tylenol. Prescribed by more physicians than Advil, Aspirin, and the Pope combined. Taking your headache from a pod of blue whales to a single sperm."
"the board mom and board dad don't have to be married to each other. That's like saying the founding fathers of America were gay lovers."
This is in response to someone saying that the church indoctrinates its members from childhood to hate homosexuals:
"Okay, it's true. We admit it. The jig is up. Sunday School isn't for teaching about the scriptures and LDS doctrine. Rather, it's nothing but an antigay class every week, starting when we're 18 months old in nursery all the way until we die. Here are some examples of lesson titles:
Heavenly Father Hates Fags
Disowning Your Children: How To Properly Destroy Your Queer Child's Self-Worth
Outer Darkness: Reserved For Sons Of Perdition And Homofaggots
Masturbation Is The Gateway To Boys Sucking Cock
Verbal Abuse: The Cure To Gaymosexuality"
"I always use the bathroom in the dark, whether it be for urinating, excreting solid (or in my case, liquid) waste, or bathing. It is wrong to gaze upon nudity, especially your own nudity. Looking at your own nude body is masturbatory pornography."
"People who talk too loud are as bad as Hitler."
"I saw a girl at school wearing a chef's had today, and this poem leapt fully-formed into my mind:
I wish I had a chef's hat.
I'd wear it everyday.
No one could disuade me
Even if they called me gay.
"There's nothing wrong with homos,"
I'd say with indignation.
If you don't believe me,
Just check with the fire station.
Poems are not my strong point
As you can plainly see.
But I'd rather write a bad poem
Than get stung by a bee."
"I sprinkle ground coffee beans on top of my hot chocolate every morning, and I spike my non-alcoholic beer with heroin."
"Tojo's a gay dog. He tried to hump my arm the other day, and my arm is a boy."
"My wife and her sister went up to Calgary to watch a horse-jumping competition. (That's horses jumping over obstacles, not people jumping over horses.)"
"You couldn't commit regicide if the King was lying drunk at your feet and you had an automatic king-slayer machine pistol."
"I hate random, arbitrary superstitions. Here, I'll make one up, and then we can all enforce it on our friends and family:
If you blow your nose with toilet paper on Valentine's Day, the leader of your country will die in a cotton candy related accident.
Spread the word! This is not superstition, it is cold hard FACT! Only a month and a half until Valentine's Day, so hurry! For the love of Stephen Harper, hurry!"
"If fat guys aren't funny, they're nothing!"
"Why does spirit-uplifting music always have to suck?"
"I had a headache, too, until I took some Extra Strength Tylenol.
Yes, Extra Strength Tylenol. Prescribed by more physicians than Advil, Aspirin, and the Pope combined. Taking your headache from a pod of blue whales to a single sperm."
"the board mom and board dad don't have to be married to each other. That's like saying the founding fathers of America were gay lovers."
This is in response to someone saying that the church indoctrinates its members from childhood to hate homosexuals:
"Okay, it's true. We admit it. The jig is up. Sunday School isn't for teaching about the scriptures and LDS doctrine. Rather, it's nothing but an antigay class every week, starting when we're 18 months old in nursery all the way until we die. Here are some examples of lesson titles:
Heavenly Father Hates Fags
Disowning Your Children: How To Properly Destroy Your Queer Child's Self-Worth
Outer Darkness: Reserved For Sons Of Perdition And Homofaggots
Masturbation Is The Gateway To Boys Sucking Cock
Verbal Abuse: The Cure To Gaymosexuality"
"I always use the bathroom in the dark, whether it be for urinating, excreting solid (or in my case, liquid) waste, or bathing. It is wrong to gaze upon nudity, especially your own nudity. Looking at your own nude body is masturbatory pornography."
Stupid Questions
You know those stupid questions asking about everyday things? You know, the ones that people think they're clever for asking even though they're stupid and cliche? I'm going to list the ones I hate the most.
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
(Mineral Oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Acetate, Fragrance.)
Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
(What the heck is a parkway?)
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
(This is a pet peeve of mine that a lot of my fellow Mormons have said. People didn't evolve from chimpanzees or rhesus monkeys or any other ape that is around today.)
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
(Because it's wet, dill-hole.)
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
(Going without pants would be indecent exposure. Since indecent exposure is against the law, it goes without saying that you have to wear pants to a restaurant.)
Can you slam a revolving door?
(No.)
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
(I can think of a few reasons. It wouldn't be indestructible at that size. It would be too heavy to fly. It would probably cost more.)
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
(If it were shorter, it wouldn't be the same word. What, do words have to look like the things they mean now?)
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
(The word "penal" has nothing to do with penises.)
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
(What sound does onomatopoeia make?)
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
(Cheese doesn't talk.)
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
(I have never seen a pack of 8 hotdogs or a pack of 10 hotdog buns. I've only seen them in packs of 6 and 12.)
What do people in China call their good plates?
(Probably a Chinese word that means "good plates".)
Can you cry under water?
(Yeah, I'm pretty sure you can. Just because your tears mix with the water doesn't mean they aren't there.)
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
(They are two unrelated figures of speech, neither of which is meant to be taken literally.)
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
(Probably because square boxes are easier to make and handle.)
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
(Yes. Homonym: a word the same as another in sound and spelling but different in meaning.)
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
(Mineral Oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Acetate, Fragrance.)
Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
(What the heck is a parkway?)
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
(This is a pet peeve of mine that a lot of my fellow Mormons have said. People didn't evolve from chimpanzees or rhesus monkeys or any other ape that is around today.)
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
(Because it's wet, dill-hole.)
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
(Going without pants would be indecent exposure. Since indecent exposure is against the law, it goes without saying that you have to wear pants to a restaurant.)
Can you slam a revolving door?
(No.)
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
(I can think of a few reasons. It wouldn't be indestructible at that size. It would be too heavy to fly. It would probably cost more.)
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
(If it were shorter, it wouldn't be the same word. What, do words have to look like the things they mean now?)
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
(The word "penal" has nothing to do with penises.)
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
(What sound does onomatopoeia make?)
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
(Cheese doesn't talk.)
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
(I have never seen a pack of 8 hotdogs or a pack of 10 hotdog buns. I've only seen them in packs of 6 and 12.)
What do people in China call their good plates?
(Probably a Chinese word that means "good plates".)
Can you cry under water?
(Yeah, I'm pretty sure you can. Just because your tears mix with the water doesn't mean they aren't there.)
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
(They are two unrelated figures of speech, neither of which is meant to be taken literally.)
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
(Probably because square boxes are easier to make and handle.)
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
(Yes. Homonym: a word the same as another in sound and spelling but different in meaning.)
New Blog
My first blog evolved into a way to keep my family up to date with what's going on in my life. This wasn't the original intention of my blog, but I don't want to change it, because I prefer that blog (which I have renamed "MiKenzie, Inc.") to using Facebook to stay in touch with my parents and siblings. This blog, which has taken over the "hyperblogianism" name in honour of my long-time screen name, hyperferrianism, is going to be dedicated more to humor, pet peeves, rants, and social commentary. For those of you who know me from www.mormonboard.proboards84.com (The Mo-Board), you may see some repetition of things I have said over there, and for those who have been following my first blog from the start, I'll be moving over the posts from there that fit in more with the spirit of this blog. But don't worry, there will be original content as well.
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Hyper Shoe
A red high-heel shoe has always been hyperferrianism's avatar