Conniving Souls

I found a missing flash drive, and on that flash drive were the next three and a half scenes of Conniving Souls.  Enjoy.

Scene 11

Chuck walks into a pub.  He sits at the bar.  The bartender comes up to him.

BARTENDER: What can I get ya?

CHUCK: I’ll have a rum-and-Coke on the rocks; hold the rum, and no ice.

BARTENDER: Comin’ right up.

The bartender pours a can of Coke into a glass and sets it down in front of Chuck.

CHUCK: Thanks.  I need some of the hard stuff tonight.  (He empties the glass and grimaces as if it were a shot of whiskey.)  Hoo-ee!  Keep ‘em comin’!

As the bartender pours Chuck another Coke, Connie enters the tavern and sits down at a table on the other side of the room where she can watch Chuck.

CHUCK: Are you married?

BARTENDER: Nope.

CHUCK: Lucky guy.  Women are nothing but trouble.

Connie perks up, hoping Chuck is on the verge of saying something damning.

BARTENDER: Trouble at home?

CHUCK: I haven’t slept in the same room as my wife in a month.  She’s always mad at me, and I don’t know why.

BARTENDER: Maybe she’s mad that you aren’t sleeping in the same room as she is.

Connie sits back and listens.

Two hours later.

Chuck is still drinking his Cokes.  The bartender has moved on to serve other patrons, and Chuck is just drinking and watching TV.

CONNIE: (under her breath) This is getting nowhere.  If he were meeting someone, she’d be here by now.

Connie stands up.  She takes off her hoody, revealing a nice shirt, flattering to her figure without being skanky.  She approaches the bar and sits down next to Chuck.

CONNIE: Is this seat taken?

CHUCK: No.  Be my guest.

The bartender comes over.

BARTENDER: What can I get you?

CONNIE: Do you have any carrots?

BARTENDER: Carrots?

CONNIE: Yes.

BARTENDER: Yeah.  We serve them with chicken wings.  I’ll go in the back and grab you a plate.  You want any ranch dip with them?

CONNIE: No, thanks.  Just the carrots.

Bartender exits.

CONNIE: What’s your name?

CHUCK: Chuck Stanton.  You?

CONNIE: Connie Stellation.  It’s a pleasure to meet you, Chuck.

CHUCK: You, too.

They shake hands.

CONNIE: Are you here alone?

CHUCK: Yeah.  I’m on my own tonight.  Again.

CONNIE: You aren’t waiting for anyone?

CHUCK: No.  Who would I be waiting for?

CONNIE: Oh, I don’t know.  A girlfriend, maybe.

CHUCK: I don’t have a girlfriend.

CONNIE: No?  A nice looking man like you?

CHUCK: I’m married.

CONNIE: Where’s your wife this evening?

Chuck shrugs.

CHUCK: We had a fight, and she ran out.  She’s probably staying with a friend.

CONNIE: I’m sorry.

CHUCK: Don’t worry about it.  What about you?  What are you up to this evening?

Bartender returns and sets a plate of carrots in front of Connie.  She picks one up and takes a bite.

CONNIE: I’m not really up to anything.  I was just in the neighborhood, and I got a carrot craving.  (She takes another bite.)

CHUCK: We all have our vices.  (Holds up his glass of Coke to illustrate his vice.)  At least I’m not a smoker.

Pause.

CONNIE: You seem like a nice guy, Chuck.

CHUCK: Thanks.

Scene 12

Cylash knocks on Crane’s door.  He answers it.

CYLASH: (seductively) Hi, baby.

CRANE: Hey, love-bucket.

They embrace, closing the door behind them.

CYLASH: I brought us something to get us in the mood.

CRANE: (excited) Oh yeah?

Cylash holds up some comic books with sexy female super heroes on them.

CRANE: (not excited anymore) Oh.


Scene 13

Connie and Chuck at the bar.  They’re laughing.

CHUCK: And the next thing I know, I’m the CEO.  Tobacco disgusts me!

They laugh again.

CONNIE: (checks her watch) It’s late.  I should get going.  It’s been fun, though.

CHUCK: Yeah, it has.  Thanks for cheering me up.

CONNIE: (standing up) Do you come here often?

CHUCK: Say, aren’t you supposed to use pick-up lines to start the conversation?

CONNIE: Of course, how silly of me.  I guess I had one too many carrots.

CHUCK: As a matter of fact, yes, I do come here often.

CONNIE: Will you be here tomorrow?

CHUCK: Only if my wife storms out on me again.  So, yes, I will be here tomorrow.

CONNIE: I’ll see you tomorrow, then.

Connie leaves.  Chuck watches her go.  At first he’s smiling, but the smile fades.

CHUCK: Oh, crap.  Did I just make a date?

BARTENDER: Sorta.  Not really, though.

CHUCK: I’m a married man!  I can’t date other women!

BARTENDER: So don’t show up tomorrow.

CHUCK: You aren’t much of a businessman, are you?

BARTENDER: Hey, I don’t own the place.  I just work here.

Scene 14

The next day.  Crane and Cylash are sitting across from Connie at Connie’s office.

CONNIE: Good morning, Mrs. Saltlickington-Stanton.

CYLASH: Good morning.  This is my lover, Dr. Crane Sextopoulos.

CRANE: Hello.

Connie is a little stunned.  After a brief pause, she shakes her head and goes on.

CONNIE: What can I do for you this morning?

CRANE: We’re here to see how your investigation is going.

CONNIE: Well, my investigation isn’t even 24 hours old, so I haven’t exhausted all leads yet.

CYLASH: So you have nothing at all?

CONNIE: I watched him closely last night.  He didn’t have sex with anyone.  I have his phone tapped, too, and he hasn’t been in contact with any strange women.  In fact, he didn’t make or receive any phone calls last night.

CRANE: Listen, Ms. Stellation, we’re paying you…

CYLASH: I’m paying her.

CRANE: Cylash is paying you good money to catch this man in his wickedness, and you’re telling me that you’ve failed?

CONNIE: I just took the case yesterday afternoon.  These things can take time.

CRANE: Time and our money.

CYLASH: My money.

CRANE: Cylash’s money.

Conniving Souls: the rest of it

I searched, and I searched, but I couldn't find the other scenes I had written for Conniving Souls.  All I have is the treatment.  If I ever find the rest of the scenes, or if I ever overcome the pain and suffering enough that I can rewrite them, I'll post them.  But, with the treatment, at least you know how it ends.

Scene 11—Chuck goes to a bar and orders “rum and Coke on the rocks, hold the rum, and no ice.”  Connie watches him drink alone for a while.  After no one has shown up after two hours, she decides on a new method.  She sits down beside him at the bar and strikes up a conversation in an attempt to get information out of him.  She doesn’t get any relevant information, but they have a very pleasant chat.  NOTE: sometime during this scene, Connie asks the bartender if he has any carrots.

Scene 12—Cylash and Crane meet with Connie for an update on the investigation.  Cylash introduces Crane as her lover.  Connie pretends she didn’t hear that.  Connie reports that she hasn’t found any evidence of infidelity.  Crane and Cylash aren’t happy with the results.  Connie assures them that it’s still early in the investigation and tells them to be patient.  After Cylash and Crane leave her office, Crane says he doesn’t trust Connie.  He wants Cylash to hire another PI to watch Connie.  Cylash tells him not to be stupid.  Crane doesn’t reply, but he gets a scheming look on his face.

Scene 13—Chuck goes to the same bar as the previous evening.  Once again, Connie sits next to him, and they talk.  Chuck tells Connie about his troubled marriage.  Connie sympathizes with him.  Emotions begin to stir between the two of them.

Scene 14—Chuck returns home.  Cylash shoves Crane into a broom closet just before he comes in the door.  She asks Chuck where he has been.  He tells her truthfully where he had been.  She calls him a liar and accuses him of having an affair.  They argue, and Cylash storms out of the house again.  Crane sneaks out while Chuck’s back is turned.

Scene 15—Connie is at home.  She is emotionally stressed out, and is therefore binging on carrots.  She feels a responsibility to do the job she has been hired to do, but she pities Chuck and has grown to like him.  She doesn’t want to spy on him.  She decides that she’ll drop the case.  NOTE: her thoughts are expressed as she talks to her pet mice.

Scene 16—The next day, Connie informs Cylash that she’s dropping the case due to a complete lack of evidence.  She has concluded that Chuck isn’t cheating on her.  Cylash argues, but Connie is firm.  Cylash phones Crane and tells him what happened.  Crane says he’ll take care of it.

Scene 17—Chuck offers Cylash some comic books in an effort to patch things up between them.  She takes them, but doesn’t thank him.  She tells him that one small gift doesn’t make up for a year-and-a-half of being a lousy husband.  Chuck asks her why she doesn’t leave him if he’s such a bad husband.  She slaps him and says, “Maybe I will.”  And then she storms out of the house again.

Scene 18—Crane meets with Connie at her office.  He produces some photos of her with Chuck in the bar.  The photos make it appear that the two of them are a couple.  Crane tells her that he’ll report her for becoming romantically involved with the man she was hired to investigate if she doesn’t continue with her investigation.  He also threatens her with unnecessary brain surgery.

Scene 19—Connie and Chuck meet at the bar again.  Connie begins to explain to him what’s been going on.  Crane jumps up from behind the bar and interrupts her.  Cylash enters the bar and sees Chuck and Connie together.  She starts yelling at both of them and accusing them of having an affair.  Crane joins in with the accusations.  Connie accuses them right back.  Overwhelmed, Chuck flees.  Connie follows, but Chuck is faster.

Scene 20—Chuck sits alone on a park bench wondering what just happened.  Meanwhile, Cylash and Crane are planning their next move at Crane’s house.  Connie is on a carrot bender to drown her sorrows.

Scene 21—As Chuck sits on the park bench, his mother, Cyclonia Stanton, sits next to him.  They discuss Chuck’s problems, and then Cyclonia reveals that Crane is Chuck’s half-brother.  She goes on to further reveal that Chuck’s father, Clyde, isn’t really his father.  Crane’s father seduced Chuck’s mother, and Chuck was the result of that brief affair.  Chuck is upset and leaves.

Scene 22—Connie goes to Chuck’s house and she explains what has been going on with no interruptions this time.  Chuck struggles between anger and his fond feelings for Connie.  Finally, they kiss.  Crane and Cylash stand up from behind the couch.  Crane has a gun.  He tells them that now with this proof of Chuck’s infidelity, Cylash would sue him for divorce with a very sizable alimony.  Chuck brings up Cylash’s affair with Crane and says she won’t see a cent.  Crane decides to kill Chuck and Connie instead.  Before he shoots, Chuck tells him that they’re brothers.  Crane turns to an open window and asks his father if it’s true.  Mr. Sextopoulos, who happened to be passing by just then, confirms that Chuck and Crane are in fact brothers.  Crane drops the gun, and Crane and Chuck tearfully embrace.  Cylash picks up the gun and aims it at Chuck.  She shoots him in the shoulder.  Crane says that he never did trust her and lunges at her.  They struggle for the gun, and it goes off.  They pause for a second in one of those cliche moments in which you don’t know who was shot.  It turns out to be Crane’s father outside the window who was killed.  “Dad!” Crane and Chuck cry in unison.  Cylash pulls free with the gun in her hand.  Before she can do anything, Connie steps behind her and jabs her own gun in her back.  Cylash surrenders.  Chuck tells Cylash that he wants a divorce.

Scene 23—Cylash is in jail.  She demands comic books and a better wardrobe.

Scene 24—Chuck and Connie are getting married.  Crane is the best man.  Everything is happy.  The final shot is an extreme close-up of Crane with an evil, shifty-eyed expression on his face.

THE END

Conniving Souls Scenes 7-10

Scene 7

Crane’s bathroom.  Crane stands in front of the mirror wearing a tight T-shirt and flexing his muscles.  He holds his hands in front of him.

CRANE:  to his hands.  Congratulations on yet another successful brain surgery, fellas.  Kisses his hands.  Daddy loves his little moneymakers.

Cylash enters.

CRANE:  Good morning, sugar-bottom.

CYLASH:  Good morning, darling.  I have to go.  I have a photo-shoot at 1:00, and wardrobe and make-up always take so long.

CRANE:  Has your private investigator found out anything about Chuck yet?

CYLASH:  I haven’t heard from her since I hired her.

CRANE:  Nothing?

CYLASH:  I only hired her yesterday.

CRANE:  He was home alone last night.  Surely, he took advantage of your absence to fool around with his mistress.  Pause.  Or mistresses.

CYLASH:  I’ll call her later for an update.  I have to get going now.  I’ll see you later.

CRANE:  Bye.

Cylash leaves.  Crane turns back to the mirror.  A John Black-like look of exaggerated suspicion spreads over his face.

Scene 8

Music montage of Connie following Chuck around all day.  He goes out for breakfast, goes to work and sits at his desk doing nothing, goes out for lunch, goes back to work and falls asleep, and finally goes home.  Connie waits around to see if any women show up.  Cylash enters the house.

Scene 9

Chuck sits on the couch watching Superman cartoons.  Cylash enters.

CYLASH:  Hello, Chuck.

CHUCK:  Cylash!  Hi, honey.  I’m so glad you’re home.

CYLASH:  Why?

CHUCK:  I missed you.  And I was worried.  Where were you?

CYLASH:  What’s that supposed to mean?

CHUCK:  I—uh—what?

CYLASH:  Are you accusing me of something, Chuck?

CHUCK:  No, of course not, honey!  I was just worried.  You seemed so upset when you left last night.

CYLASH:  Oh, yes, I’m sure!  The benevolent Charles Lexington Stanton was concerned that his wife was off somewhere along crying!  Why don’t you just cut the crap and admit that you think I’m having an affair?

CHUCK:  What?!

CYLASH:  Don’t play dumb with me, Chuck.  You’ve always been jealous.

CHUCK:  No I haven’t.

CYLASH:  You’ve always been suspicious.  You figure a woman of my great beauty must be unfaithful.  Admit it!

CHUCK:  No!  The thought never even crossed my mind!

CYLASH:  Well let me tell you something, Mr. President-of-the-company: high-powered businessmen like you are notorious for having affairs.  If there’s a cheater in this marriage, it’s you!

Cylash turns and walks away.

CHUCK:  Cylash, wait!

Cylash storms out of the house.

CHUCK: My middle name isn't Lexington.

Scene 10

Connie sits in a car across the street from Chuck’s house.  She watches Cylash leave.

CONNIE:  Is that your deal, Mr. Stanton?  Fight with you wife until she’s driven out, allowing an opportunity for your mistress to arrive?  Eats a carrot.  But why go through the trouble of upsetting your wife that much?  Why not just tell your wife that you’re going to the bar with your buddies and then meet up with your mistress?  There are easier ways to have an affair.  Eats another carrot.  Well, let’s see if your mistress shows up.

PASSERBY:  Who are you talking to?

Connie blushes and pulls her hood up.  Passerby moves on.


Any suggestions what song I should use for the music montage in Scene 8?  And don't say "I'll Be Watching You" by The Police.

Conniving Souls Scenes 4-6

Scene 4

Cylash sits gracefully on the couch in her living room dressed in a fancy outfit reading comic books.  Chuck enters.

CHUCK:  Hi, Cylash.

CYLASH:  coldly.  Hello, Charles.

CHUCK:  How has your day been?

CYLASH:  drops her comic book on the coffee table.  What’s that supposed to mean?

CHUCK:  blinks.  Wha—?

CYLASH:  stands up.  Really, Chuck, I’m tired of you always sticking your nose in my business!

CHUCK:  But—

CYLASH:  You’re my husband, not my jailer!

CHUCK:  Cylash!

CYLASH:  I just can’t take this!  Not tonight!  Turns with a dramatic flourish.  I’m going out!  Leaves.

CHUCK:  Say, what gives?

Scene 5

Cylash and Crane are together.  The camera is close in on them, so it isn’t clear where they are.

CYLASH:  It was terrible, Crane!  He said such awful, malicious things!

CRANE:  It’s okay, sweetheart.  You’ll be fine.  You’re with Dr. Crane Sextopoulos now; Chuck can’t hurt you.

CYLASH:  I want to leave him right now!

CRANE:  I know, baby, but you can’t.  Not yet.

CYLASH:  When?

CRANE:  When Ms. Stellation gets proof that he’s having an affair.

CYLASH:  I don’t know how much of that ogre’s abuse I can take.

CRANE:  Patience, doll-face, patience.  When our private investigator does her job, divorcing Stanton will be simple.  And you’ll be able to snatch up most of his assets.

CYLASH:  calm now.  You’re right.  I can suffer through this.

CRANE:  Of course I’m right.  Kisses her forehead.  You’ll see.  Any day now.

CYLASH:  wraps her arms around Crane.  You’re so good to me.  Lets go someplace more private.  Tries to kiss him.

CRANE:  Not now, Cylash, I’m busy.

Camera zooms out to reveal an operating room.  Crane is in the middle of brain surgery.  Nurses stare at Crane and Cylash with wide eyes.

Scene 6

Chuck in his house.  He’s still in his work clothes, but his tie is loosened and his top button is undone.  He’s playing video games and singing along to Weezer.  The phone rings.  He pauses the game and the music and answers it.

CHUCK:  Hello?

CONNIE:  Hi.

Pause

CHUCK:  What can I do for you?

CONNIE:  Is this Chuck Stanton?

CHUCK:  Yeah.

CONNIE:  Don’t mind me; I’m just testing the tap on your phone line.

CHUCK:  laughing.  Oh, yeah?

CONNIE:  Yeah.  Don’t worry; it’ll just take a minute.

CHUCK:  So you’re spying on me, are ya?

CONNIE:  I prefer to think of it as “surveillance.”  “Spying” has bad connotations attached to it.

CHUCK:  So who do you work for?  The CIA?  CSIS?

CONNIE:  Oh, I’m independent.

CHUCK:  I see.  So why are you keeping me under surveillance?

CONNIE:  I dunno.  Gotta watch someone.

CHUCK:  laughs.  I guess everyone needs a hobby.

CONNIE:  Exactly.  Pauses.  Okay, I’m done.  You have yourself a good night.

CHUCK:  Hold on, you never even told me who you are.

CONNIE:  I work with your wife.

CHUCK:  She isn’t here right now.

CONNIE:  I know.

CHUCK:  blinks.  Did you want to leave a message?

CONNIE:  No.  Bye.  Hangs up.

Chuck shrugs, hangs up, and goes back to his video games.

Conniving Souls Scenes 1-3

Welcome to the first installment of a script I wrote a few years back while I was newlywed.  At the time, I had an inexplicable obsession with the initials C.S., as will momentarily become apparent.  In fact, I can think of four separate pieces I wrote that prominently featured a character named Chuck Stanton, none of which were any relation to each other.  This is one of those works.  Enjoy!

(It's a soap opera, by the way.)

Cast:
Chuck Stanton (if I had ever actually filmed this, I would have played this role)
Cylash Saltlickington-Stanton
Connie Stellation
Crane Sextopoulos (this would have been Sir Head's role)

Scene 1

Crane and Cylash are in Crane’s bedroom.  Cylash is brushing her hair.

CRANE:  I don’t trust him!

CYLASH:  Who?  My husband?

CRANE:  Yes.  I bet he’s cheating on you.  All those high paid executives have a mistress.

CYLASH:  Chuck’s harmless. 

CRANE:  I wouldn’t be so sure.

CYLASH:  Why would Chuck cheat on me?  I mean, look at me!  How could he possibly hope to do better than me?

CRANE:  You don’t understand men like him.  They never have enough.  They always want more.

CYLASH:  shrugs.  So maybe he is having an affair.  Big deal.  I’m sleeping with you.

CRANE:  That’s different!

CYLASH:  How?

CRANE:  waves the question off impatiently.  There’s no time to explain that.  It’s not important.  But consider this: if we can prove that Chuck is cheating on you, you can divorce him and take a sizable chunk of his estate with you.

Cylash puts down her brush and pays more attention to Crane.

CYLASH:  How do we prove it?

CRANE:  We hire a private investigator to watch him and take pictures of anything suspicious.

CYLASH:  Yes.  Pauses, then smiles.  Yes!  Pauses agains, smiles bigger.  Yes!

Crane and Cylash both laugh wickedly.

Scene 2

Satan’s Special Blend Tobacco Company boardroom.  Chuck is in a meeting with Board Members 1, 2, and 3. 

BOARD MEMBER 1:  We have teenagers hooked.  That was no problem.  We’ve convinced them that the anti-smoking ads are uncool and the product of baby-boomers trying to make them conform.

BOARD MEMBER 2:  That’s great, but what do we do about all of our customers who are dead?  They aren’t buying our product anymore.

BOARD MEMBER 3:  Exactly.  Teenage smokers don’t fill the void left by the dead, dying, and quitters.  Shakes with rage.  I just hate quitters SO MUCH!

BOARD MEMBER 1:  We have to find a way to get kids to smoke younger.  I won’t be happy until I see 8-year-olds lighting up at recess!

CHUCK:  Now hold on a mi—

BOARD MEMBER 2: But how!  The government will never let us advertise directly to children.

CHUCK:  And for good rea—

BOARD MEMBER 1:  I’ve thought of that.  Displays a poster.  Let me introduce you to television’s newest Saturday morning cartoon: Captain Tobacco and the Cigarette Commandos!  It doesn’t actually advertise cigarettes, but it makes them appealing to young children.

BOARD MEMBER 2:  Brilliant!

CHUCK:  That’s going too far!

BOARD MEMBER 1:  It is brilliant, isn’t it?

BOARD MEMBER 3:  Hey!  I just thought up a new slogan: “Quitters never win.  Are you a quitter?”

BOARD MEMBER 2:  Brilliant!

BOARD MEMBER 1:  I’ve also been thinking that we should lace our cigarettes with heroin to make it harder to quit.

BOARD MEMBER 2: Brilliant!

Later.  Chuck is alone in his office.  He’s bored, so he eventually pulls out a Gameboy and starts playing it.

Scene 3

Connie’s office at the Orion Detective Agency.  Connie sits behind her desk with Cylash sitting across from her.  A bowl of carrots is on the desk.

CYLASH:  You’re a private investigator?

CONNIE:  blinks.  Yes, I am.

CYLASH:  You don’t look like one.

CONNIE:  That’s why I’m a good one.  No one suspects me.

CYLASH:  sounding doubtful.  Yes, well.  I’m sure.

CONNIE:  bristles, but keeps her temper.  What can I do for you Mrs. Saltlickington-Stanton?

CYLASH:  I think my husband is cheating on me, and I want you to get some proof.

CONNIE:  making notes.  What’s your husband’s name?

CYLASH:  Chuck Stanton.

CONNIE:  Where does he work?

CYLASH:  He’s the president of Satan’s Special Blend Tobacco.

CONNIE:  looks up from her notes.  How old is he?

CYLASH:  27

CONNIE:  And he’s the president of a tobacco company?  How did he manage that?

CYLASH:  shrugs.  He already had the job when I met him.

CONNIE:  Do you have a picture of him?

Cylash hands Connie a picture of Chuck along with a piece of paper.

CYLASH:  Our home address and phone number is there, as well as my cell phone number.

CONNIE:  Thank you.  I’ll get right on this.

Cylash and Connie awkwardly shake hands.



More to come.  Stay tuned.

 Had it ever been shot, this would have been the cast Conniving Souls.  The main characters, anyway.