At the Risk of Being Unpopular

My stance on music has been made very clear.  I have sung the praises of music that I love, especially the music of my teenage years.  Now I'm going to tell everyone else why the music they like sucks.

You're probably thinking that I'm going to take the easy route and trash modern pop and mainstream rock music.  Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Nickelback, and the like.  Nope.  Too easy.  Everybody on the Internet has made fun of all those "musicians" at least 17 times.  No, what I'm going to do is tear down classic rock bands that are almost universally regarded as geniuses.

1. AC/DC
They've been around, with various lead singers, since the '70s, but I didn't really get to know them until they made a resurgence in 1990 while I was in the seventh grade.  "Thunderstruck" was a huge hit when I was 12.  And, man, did I hate it!  My biggest beef is with current leader singer, Brian Johnson.  He's the man who somehow became hugely famous and loved by Generation X for perfecting the technique of singing through his nose.

What the eff is he doing?  How is this man leading an internationally famous rock band?  I'm not the kind of person who thinks a man has to be a good singer to be a good lead singer (I'm a Radiohead fan, after all), but come on!

My other beef with AC/DC (besides all of my Mormon friends claiming "It stands for 'After Christ/Devil Comes!'" was lead guitarist Angus Young.  I freely admit that Angus Young has a lot of skill when it comes to playing guitar.  Take another listen to "Thunderstruck" up there and try (I know it's hard) to ignore Johnson's vocals.  That is actually a pretty cool riff that Young is playing.  But then you get crap like this:

Pay particular attention to the guitar solos.  As someone who has dabbled with playing the guitar, I recognize that what Young is doing in this song is very hard to do, and takes a lot of skill.  But hard to do does not equal pleasing to listen to.  Yes, he's demonstrating amazing skill.  But it's a bitch to listen to it, and I always hate it when this song pops up in a mystery set list while I'm playing on Rock Band.

2. Metallica
My older cousins were (and still are, I assume) big Metallica fans.  And I remember walking around in the Philippines and being forced by my companion to stop outside someones house because "Enter Sandman" was playing.

I hate that song.  I remember being a young teenager, before good music was invented, and growing depressed because this song was a big hit.  It's dreary, boring, and takes itself way too seriously.

Metallica  is a funny one.  What kills me about them is that they have the potential to be a good band, but they choose to suck.  Take, for example, the song "Battery."

It starts off as a beautiful, soulful, acoustic instrumental.  Then, at 1:05, turns into fast noise for the sake of fast noise.  "This song is awesome!" James Hetfield said as they were making it.  "Yeah," Lars Ulrich said.  "We better pick up the suckitude before we get end up with a full-length good song on our hands."

By the way, the best Metallica song is a cover of an old Irish folk song:

3. KISS
Yes, the old Knights in Satan's Service themselves.  Is this really the band that (if the movie Detroit Rock City is to be believed) had parents in a panic back in the '70s?  Seriously, people?  A bunch of men dressed in outlandish costumes with make-up that looks like it was applied by an 11-year-old girl singing about how the like to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day?  If only that was the most evil thing in the world!

It's a harmless, juvenile song about things that every teenage boy thinks about.  And doesn't even have that heavy of a beat.  And ALL of their songs are like this.  If not for their attention-grabbing appearance and Gene Simmons slightly-longer-than-normal tongue, they'd be nothing but a bland rock band that everyone forgot a few years after they came on the scene.  It pains me that KISS is the favourite band of Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo.

4. Alice Cooper
Alice Cooper is in the same boat as KISS: bland, boring, juvenile rock star who is more famous for his image than his music.  What's his biggest hit?  "School's Out For Summer."  The man who would have us believe is the personification of evil is famous for songs that quote old school-children rhymes: "No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers, dirty looks."

5. Van Halen
People are always telling me what an amazing guitarist Eddie Van Halen is, but I don't see it.  I have never heard a Van Halen song that I liked, but I'm still hearing this crap on the radio:

They just plain sucked.  I would have been ecstatic when they broke up if they hadn't just replaced David Lee Roth with the absolutely dreadful Sammy Haggar.

6. Led Zeppelin
This might be the most controversial one on the list.  I haven't met a lot of people who don't like Led Zeppelin.  Yes, they were pioneers, but they were pioneers of a genre of music that I hate.  "Stairway to Heaven" is okay, I guess.  Everything else sucks sweaty, British balls.  Robert Plants voice just grates on my nerves, especially in songs like this:

So that's all the bands I'll talk about for now.  I'm glad this blog isn't famous, because this would have just opened the floodgates of hate mail and inflammatory comments.

Chick Mix III

In 2002, Mike Mix Productions compiled 13 songs by female artists (including a Weezer song with Rachel Haden as the special guest vocalist).  Much to the chagrin of Jillian Yawney, friend of MiKenzie Inc.'s founder, the compilation was given the progressive title "Chick Mix."  Just a year later, Chick Mix II hit the shelves.  Apparently, it took Mike Mix Productions seven more years to accumulate enough quality female music to compile the third installment in the Chick Mix series.  I suppose we should be grateful that they didn't just throw any old crap on there, like Lady Gaga or Ke$sha.  Anyone remember Kylie Minogue and Shania Twain providing filler on Chick Mix II?  Or how about the weird no-name indie crap recommended by Chazz Lowman Studios?

Anyway, here are my thoughts on Chick Mix III.  The song titles are linked to videos for the songs.

Turn Into by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
This is probably the most mainstream song ever recommended by MiKenzie Inc.s' cousin company, Chazz Lowman Studios.  One of Yeah Yeah Yeahs more melodic songs.  A nice, softish intro to the album.

Hard Line by Jill Barber
Who?  Good song, though.

The Freest Man by Tilly and the Wall
The name of the album this is from is called "Bottoms of Barrels," which is fitting, because Mike Mix is really scraping the bottom of Chazz Lowman's indie barrel looking for music to add to Chick Mix.  For the five or six people who have actually heard of Tilly and the Wall, you know that they're known for using a tap dancer as percussion.  So, of course, Mike Mix chose a Tilly and the Wall song that doesn't prominently feature any tap dancing.  I think there might be a little bit in there.  Well, at least they didn't use one of the songs that the dude in the band sings.

Encircle Me by Tegan and Sarah
I like Tegan and Sarah because they're musicians from Alberta who have made a decent living for themselves without being country stars, classic rock tribute bands, or Nickelback.  The song "Encircle Me" was most likely chosen by Mike Mix Productions because Matt Sharp, former base player for Weezer and lead man for The Rentals, had a hand in producing this song.  This is evident from the Moog synthesizer prominently used in the song.


Nothing & Nowhere by Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
Emily Haines is the lead singer of Metric, which has featured prominently in Mike Mixes in the last few years.  This is from her solo album, which takes Emily's hauntingly beautiful voice and soulful lyrics and strips away all of the happiness and fun, upbeat sounds of Metric.


Lucky Me by Sarah Slean
Ah, Sarah Slean.  The poor man's Sarah McLachlan.  If Sarah McLachlan was quirky, that is.  (She's not.)  You know, now that I think about it, their music sounds nothing alike.  I think I make a connection between the two because they're both artsy female Canadian solo musicians named Sarah.  By the way, I'm talking about Fumbling Towards Ecstasy Sarah McLachlan, not Afterglow Sarah McLachlan.  And look at that!  I just spent my review of Sarah Slean talking mostly about Sarah McLachlan.  I rock!

Run Baby Run by Garbage
Garbage (the band) was huge in the late '90s, especially their album 2.0.  Heck, I even heard one of their songs while I was in the Philippines, and they hate good music in the Philippines!  "I Think I'm Paranoid" was included in the video game Rock Band.  Huge in the '90s!  And so Mike Mix used a song from their 2006 album "Bleed Like Me."  Why not use a song from 2.0?  True, you included "Queer" on the original Chick Mix, but that wasn't from 2.0.  Weird.

For What It's Worth by The Cardigans
Remember the modern remake of Romeo & Juliet from 1996 starring young Leonardo Decaprio and Claire Danes?  Remember the song "Love Fool" from the soundtrack that was a huge hit by a band that no one had heard of before or heard of since?  Yeah, apparently they make good music, too.  Who knew?  I once heard a rumor that The Cardigans hate Love Fool and refuse to play it at their concerts.

Saving My Face by KT Tunstall
I once asked the VP of Music Acquisition for Mike Mix Productions how he found all of the music he uses.  I figured he would have mentioned some hip online site, or maybe iTunes.  His answer?  "I go to CD stores like HMV or Music World and listen to the CDs they have at their listening stations.  If I likes it, I buys it."  KT Tunstall is a Music World discovery.

Quand Je R'garde by Les Cowboys Fringants
Yeah, that's right.  There's French on this one.  Les Cowboys Fringants normally have a male lead singer, but for this song, the woman (or chick) in the band sang lead vocals.  If my high school French isn't malfunctioning, the title translates to "When I see."  As for the rest of the song, she's singing way too fast for me to know what she's saying.  I think I heard something about the sun in there.

Follow Me Down by Ladies of the Canyon
One would not use the words "country music fan" to describe me.  I'm all about the alternative rock.  There are, however, exceptions.  Usually, if I listen to country music, it's alt country, like The Be Good Tanyas, or my cousin Mark Everett's stuff.  "Follow Me Down" flirts with the line between alt country and mainstream country.  I like it anyway.  Nice harmony.

Past In Present by Feist
When Feist is good, she's great.  When she's not good, she's dreadfully boring.  "Past In Present" is one of the great ones.  I just wish there was a video to go with this song that showed her dancing.  She's a terrible dancer, and I love it.


A Thousand Tiny Pieces by The Be Good Tanyas
Yeah, this is more like it.  Alt country!  I love this song.  What can I say?  I'm a sucker for all female harmony.  Thanks Mike Mix!

Help I'm Alive by Metric
So Emily Haines makes another appearance, but this time with the rest of Metric, so I guess it can be forgiven.  Mike Mix must have had a hard time deciding which Metric song to use, because they acquired four Metric albums since the last Chick Mix.  I was kind of hoping for Hustle Rose or Rock Me Now, but Help I'm Alive is good, too.

And there you have it!  See you in 2017, Chick Mix IV!

Mike Mix 2010: a CD Review

I'm trying something new today.  Back when this blog was unfunny (before May 2010), I would occasionaly review movies.  I'm pretty sure I never reviewed an album, though.  I acquired a new CD yesterday.  Yes, I still buy CDs, even though I have an iPod.  Mp3 players are the worst thing ever in the history of music.

So, anyway, the CD I got yesterday was Mike Mix 2010.  This is the 15th year that MiKenzie Incorporated's Mike Mix Productions has released one of these compilation albums.  For a stretch of years in the last decade, this tired franchise released two Mike Mixes a year.  Thankfully, that trend has stopped, and the big wigs in MiKenzie's corporate offices have restrained themselves to one compilation per year.  Since the songs are by various artists, I will review each song separately:

Track 1:  "Can't Stop Partying" by Weezer
It's no secret that Weezer is my favourite band.  "Can't Stop Partying", which was earlier featured as a melancholy acoustic demo on Rivers Cuomo's solo album Alone II, has two honors: the first Weezer song to feature the dreaded F-word, and the first Weezer song to have a rapper breakdown midsong by the immortal Lil Wayne.  It's also driven by a techno beat, which is quite the departure for these alternative rock veterans who inspired countless hordes of geeky alternative rock bands.

Track 2: "Hysteria" by Muse
Interesting choice by Mike Mix Productions.  Not because it's a bad song (it kicks serious arse), but because it's seven years old, and Mike Mix 2003 Volume II contained "Stockholm Syndrome" from the same album.  Paragraph 11 Section iii(a) reads: "no Mike Mix compilation may contain a song from a source album that has previously been featured on a past Mike Mix compilation."  You're breaking the rules, MiKenzie Incorporated!  For shame!

Track 3: "Wasteland" by Inward Eye
The debut of Inward Eye on a Mike Mix.  Has anyone even heard of this band?  If you listened to alternative rock radio stations a year-and-a-half ago, you might have heard their single "Shame."  Maybe.

Track 4: "Gimme Sympathy" by Metric
This song is sung by a woman.  A Woman!  With ovaries and everything.  Shameful!

Track 5: "Laces Out" by Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker
Considering how famous they are, as far as Canadian alt rock bands go, I can't find anyone else besides me who has ever heard of USS.  Don't be fooled by the first few seconds of this track: it is not by House of Pain or Cypress Hill.

Track 6: "Turn Your Back" by Billy Talent
Billy Talent peeked with their debut single "Try Honesty" in 2003.  This doesn't stop MiKenzie Inc. from using their lesser tracks for their Mike Mixes.  Speaking of washed-up Canadian alternative rock bands:

Track 7: "Monkey Brains" by Our Lady Peace. 
The king Canadian alt rock bands that should just retire.  Did anyone buy Burn, Burn, Burn?  Of course not; nobody buys albums these days.  Except for me.

Track 8: "Peacemaker" by Green Day
Really?  Green Day?  They're the most pretentious rock band of the last decade.  They're even more pretentious than U2.  U-freaking-2!  Yes, George W. Bush wasn't a great president.  Get over it.  Also, you're old farts who still want to be teenagers.

Track 9: "Tesselate" by Tokyo Police Club
From MiKenzie's official blog: "This was supposed to be on Mike Mix 2009, but we forgot."  Well done, gentlemen.  Also

tes·sel·late /v. ˈtɛsəˌleɪt; adj. ˈtɛsəlɪt, -ˌleɪt/ Show Spelled [v. tes-uh-leyt; adj. tes-uh-lit, -leyt]  -lat·ed, -lat·ing, adjective

–verb (used with object)

1. to form of small squares or blocks, as floors or pavements; form or arrange in a checkered or mosaic pattern.

Track 10: "Uprising" by Muse

What's this?  Another Muse song?  At first, I was going to attack MiKenzie Inc. for another broken rule, but upon further reviews of the Mike Mix Productions bylaws, I saw this ammendement:  "34.iv(c) a Mike Mix compilation may not have more than one song per artist/band.  Ammendement: (2006.5.22) 34.iv(c) notwithstanding, if MiKenzie Incorporated acquires two separate albums by the same source artist/band, one song from each album may be used."  So, apparently, it took MiKenzie seven years to acquire Absolution.

Track 11: "Substitution" by Silversun Pickups

One of those bands that people have only heard of because of Rock Band II.

Track 12: "Soldier On" by The Temper Trap

This song takes the album, which has been fairly high tempo until this point, and brings it to a screeching, falsetto halt.  Why didn't MiKenzie used the one Temper Trap song that people might have heard?  That song, of course, is "Sweet Disposition," which was featured in the film 500 Days of Summer.

Track 13: "In One Ear" by Cage The Elephant

Cage The Elephant sucks.  From MiKenzie Inc.'s official blog: "We liked Cage the Elephant when we briefly sampled it, but decided that they sucked after listening to the album in full.  We needed some filler, so we stuck on the song that had the foulest language."

Track 14: "The Funeral" by Band of Horses

Another slow one, but a gooder.  I discovered this song in a freestyle BMXing video online, of all places.  Interesting juxtaposition.

Track 15: "Hollow Point Sniper Hyperbole" by Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

Oh, come on MiKenzie!  Another one snuck in under the rule 34.iv(c) ammendement.  You're just effing with us now!  But the song does get bonus points for the brief cover of an old Newfoundland fishing ditty.

Track 16: "Empty's Theme Park" by Matthew Good

A slow, melancholy marathon by Matt Good finishes of Mike Mix 2010.  If you're depressed and in your 30s or early 40s and grew up in Vancouver, you'll love it!

And that's it.  Yes, that's right: there are only 16 tracks instead of the regular 18 that MiKenzie provides.  This franchise is running out of the steam and should be retired.  Either that, or come out with a Mike Mix every two years instead of once a year.