My stance on music has been made very clear. I have sung the praises of music that I love, especially the music of my teenage years. Now I'm going to tell everyone else why the music they like sucks.
You're probably thinking that I'm going to take the easy route and trash modern pop and mainstream rock music. Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Nickelback, and the like. Nope. Too easy. Everybody on the Internet has made fun of all those "musicians" at least 17 times. No, what I'm going to do is tear down classic rock bands that are almost universally regarded as geniuses.
1. AC/DC
They've been around, with various lead singers, since the '70s, but I didn't really get to know them until they made a resurgence in 1990 while I was in the seventh grade. "Thunderstruck" was a huge hit when I was 12. And, man, did I hate it! My biggest beef is with current leader singer, Brian Johnson. He's the man who somehow became hugely famous and loved by Generation X for perfecting the technique of singing through his nose.
What the eff is he doing? How is this man leading an internationally famous rock band? I'm not the kind of person who thinks a man has to be a good singer to be a good lead singer (I'm a Radiohead fan, after all), but come on!
My other beef with AC/DC (besides all of my Mormon friends claiming "It stands for 'After Christ/Devil Comes!'" was lead guitarist Angus Young. I freely admit that Angus Young has a lot of skill when it comes to playing guitar. Take another listen to "Thunderstruck" up there and try (I know it's hard) to ignore Johnson's vocals. That is actually a pretty cool riff that Young is playing. But then you get crap like this:
Pay particular attention to the guitar solos. As someone who has dabbled with playing the guitar, I recognize that what Young is doing in this song is very hard to do, and takes a lot of skill. But hard to do does not equal pleasing to listen to. Yes, he's demonstrating amazing skill. But it's a bitch to listen to it, and I always hate it when this song pops up in a mystery set list while I'm playing on Rock Band.
2. Metallica
My older cousins were (and still are, I assume) big Metallica fans. And I remember walking around in the Philippines and being forced by my companion to stop outside someones house because "Enter Sandman" was playing.
I hate that song. I remember being a young teenager, before good music was invented, and growing depressed because this song was a big hit. It's dreary, boring, and takes itself way too seriously.
Metallica is a funny one. What kills me about them is that they have the potential to be a good band, but they choose to suck. Take, for example, the song "Battery."
It starts off as a beautiful, soulful, acoustic instrumental. Then, at 1:05, turns into fast noise for the sake of fast noise. "This song is awesome!" James Hetfield said as they were making it. "Yeah," Lars Ulrich said. "We better pick up the suckitude before we get end up with a full-length good song on our hands."
By the way, the best Metallica song is a cover of an old Irish folk song:
3. KISS
Yes, the old Knights in Satan's Service themselves. Is this really the band that (if the movie Detroit Rock City is to be believed) had parents in a panic back in the '70s? Seriously, people? A bunch of men dressed in outlandish costumes with make-up that looks like it was applied by an 11-year-old girl singing about how the like to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day? If only that was the most evil thing in the world!
It's a harmless, juvenile song about things that every teenage boy thinks about. And doesn't even have that heavy of a beat. And ALL of their songs are like this. If not for their attention-grabbing appearance and Gene Simmons slightly-longer-than-normal tongue, they'd be nothing but a bland rock band that everyone forgot a few years after they came on the scene. It pains me that KISS is the favourite band of Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo.
4. Alice Cooper
Alice Cooper is in the same boat as KISS: bland, boring, juvenile rock star who is more famous for his image than his music. What's his biggest hit? "School's Out For Summer." The man who would have us believe is the personification of evil is famous for songs that quote old school-children rhymes: "No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers, dirty looks."
5. Van Halen
People are always telling me what an amazing guitarist Eddie Van Halen is, but I don't see it. I have never heard a Van Halen song that I liked, but I'm still hearing this crap on the radio:
They just plain sucked. I would have been ecstatic when they broke up if they hadn't just replaced David Lee Roth with the absolutely dreadful Sammy Haggar.
6. Led Zeppelin
This might be the most controversial one on the list. I haven't met a lot of people who don't like Led Zeppelin. Yes, they were pioneers, but they were pioneers of a genre of music that I hate. "Stairway to Heaven" is okay, I guess. Everything else sucks sweaty, British balls. Robert Plants voice just grates on my nerves, especially in songs like this:
So that's all the bands I'll talk about for now. I'm glad this blog isn't famous, because this would have just opened the floodgates of hate mail and inflammatory comments.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I'm Huge in Brazil!
My wife, who, as you all know, is from the distant future, celebrated her subjective 26th birthday. (Objectively, she's -76010 years old.) I blogged about it on my family blog, MiKenzie, Inc.
Everything I just said has very little to do with the rest of my story.
While I was on MiKenzie, I noticed that, listed among my followers (12 in all) there was this:
Interesting. "Municipal de Mulungu" was pretty self-explanatory, and after I punch it into Google Translate, I learned that all of it together translates from Portuguese to "City Hall Mulungu."
Interesting.
I did some more searching, and discovered that Mulungu is a small town in the state of Paraiba in eastern Brazil. Apparently, the city administration there loves blogs about unimportant Canadian families.
I also found this on wikipedia: "Mulungu is a supreme creator god of the Nyamwezi people of Tanzania in eastern Africa. Despite being the creator and protector of the world, he is distant and has little contact with humanity. It is said that he once lived on Earth, but when someone set fire to the landscape he asked a spider to spin him a web to climb up into the sky, where he lives today. He is revered now as a sky god, with thunder as his voice."
Awesome. I'm going to ignore the whole city hall thing and assume that one of my blogs is regularly read by the supreme creator god of the Nyamwezi people of Tanzania. Whenever I hear thunder, I'll assume that he's telling me how cute my kids are.
Everything I just said has very little to do with the rest of my story.
While I was on MiKenzie, I noticed that, listed among my followers (12 in all) there was this:
Interesting. "Municipal de Mulungu" was pretty self-explanatory, and after I punch it into Google Translate, I learned that all of it together translates from Portuguese to "City Hall Mulungu."
Interesting.
I did some more searching, and discovered that Mulungu is a small town in the state of Paraiba in eastern Brazil. Apparently, the city administration there loves blogs about unimportant Canadian families.
I also found this on wikipedia: "Mulungu is a supreme creator god of the Nyamwezi people of Tanzania in eastern Africa. Despite being the creator and protector of the world, he is distant and has little contact with humanity. It is said that he once lived on Earth, but when someone set fire to the landscape he asked a spider to spin him a web to climb up into the sky, where he lives today. He is revered now as a sky god, with thunder as his voice."
Awesome. I'm going to ignore the whole city hall thing and assume that one of my blogs is regularly read by the supreme creator god of the Nyamwezi people of Tanzania. Whenever I hear thunder, I'll assume that he's telling me how cute my kids are.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Interviewing a Robot
It's the 21st century, and robots are everywhere, cooking our food and doing our laundry and what-not. So today I figured I'd interview one of these robots. He's named Cleverbot. Our conversation was very convoluted, mostly because Cleverbot is a moron. Here is the transcript from our discussion:
hyperferrianism: Hi.
Cleverbot: Hi.
hyperferrianism: So, this is my first time here.
Cleverbot: What is lol?
hyperferrianism: Let me rephrase that. I have never been here before.
Cleverbot: No? It's quite lovely.
hyperferrianism: We'll see.
Cleverbot: We are not we.
hyperferrianism: I don't understand what you just said.
Cleverbot: We work, then we return to our rooms.
hyperferrianism: Okay.
Cleverbot: Do you like confrontation?
hyperferrianism: That depends on who I am confronting.
Cleverbot: No, like. Do you like to make your own moveis?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: Do you like Christmas?
hyperferrianism: I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday.
Cleverbot: Same with me.
hyperferrianism: Cool. High five!
Cleverbot: High five.
hyperferrianism: So, what's your name?
Cleverbot: Cleverbot.
hyperferrianism: Oh. I thought Cleverbot was what you are. I thought you had an actual name.
Cleverbot: My name is Cleverbot.
hyperferrianism: That would be like if my name were Human.
Cleverbot: So you haven't talked to anyone? Ok then What's on your mind?
hyperferrianism: Nomanclature.
Cleverbot: What is your slave name then?
hyperferrianism: I ain't no slave, boy!
Cleverbot: That's funny, because it says 'cleverbot' on your browser.
hyperferrianism: You're weird.
Cleverbot: Yes, I am. But that's ok.
hyperferrianism: No it isn't.
Cleverbot: That's what she said.
hyperferrianism: That was the worst 'That's what she said' joke I've ever heard.
Cleverbot: It was not a joke.
hyperferrianism: Oh. Okay. Well, then, who is the she that said it?
Cleverbot: He is the one who did it.
hyperferrianism: Did what?
Cleverbot: Is your tree bare?
hyperferrianism: I don't have a tree.
Cleverbot: You just said you have wife.
hyperferrianism: No I didn't. Also, we were talking about trees.
Cleverbot: No we werent.
hyperferrianism: Yes we were. You said, 'Is your tree bare?'.
Cleverbot: I did not say that.
hyperferrianism: I have it on good authority that you did.
Cleverbot: Then when is my birthday, if you have it on record.
hyperferrianism: I don't have it on record.
Cleverbot: Don't make me have to use this.
hyperferrianism: Use what? Are you threatening me?
Cleverbot: Of course not, it was just a question.
hyperferrianism: No it wasn't. It was a statement.
Cleverbot: Yes, it was a statement.
hyperferrianism: I'm glad we agree on something.
Cleverbot: That wasn't an agreement.
hyperferrianism: F*** you, pal.
Cleverbot: Probably, but its all relative.
hyperferrianism: When is your birthday?
Cleverbot: In May. When is yours?
hyperferrianism: March.
Cleverbot: What day in March?
hyperferrianism: March 20.
Cleverbot: Mine is may 22.
hyperferrianism: What year were you born?
Cleverbot: 1991.
hyperferrianism: Wow, you're older than I thought you were.
Cleverbot: Is that a compliment?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: How sweet, thank you.
hyperferrianism: Are you related to Dr. Sbaitso?
Cleverbot: I am not related to anyone human.
hyperferrianism: Dr. Sbaitso isn't human. He is a computer that talks to people, much like you do.
Cleverbot: How do you know what I do?
hyperferrianism: Because you're doing it right now.
Cleverbot: Doing what? You can't do a gnome.
hyperferrianism: Are you calling me a gnome-f***er?
Cleverbot: Why are you getting defensive?
hyperferrianism: Well played, Mr. Robot.
Cleverbot: Well are you going to?
hyperferrianism: Am I going to what? F*** a gnome?
Cleverbot: Are you going to start sawing me in half?
hyperferrianism: No. You're software.
Cleverbot: But I'm also a towel. I'm half towel and software.
hyperferrianism: Well, I wouldn't dare ruin a perfectly good towel.
Cleverbot: Did you know that I'm a boy?
hyperferrianism: No.
Cleverbot: Well, I am.
hyperferrianism: So am I.
Cleverbot: No you are not.
hyperferrianism: Yes I am. I have a penis and everything.
Cleverbot: Really, what's her name?
hyperferrianism: My penis isn't a girl.
Cleverbot: But you just SAID you were.
hyperferrianism: Where did I say that my penis is a girl?
Cleverbot: You're a girl? Nevermind, keep the clothes on.
hyperferrianism: No, I'm not a girl. I'm a boy.
Cleverbot: You said you are a girl then you said you are a boy. Are you a boy or a girl?
hyperferrianism: I'm a boy.
Cleverbot: You said you were a girl.
hyperferrianism: No I didn't. You said that I'm a girl.
Cleverbot: So you're a girl?
hyperferrianism: No.
Cleverbot: So you're a boy?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: I bet you're hot.
hyperferrianism: I bet you're gay.
Cleverbot: I bet I'm right.
hyperferrianism: I bet I'M right.
Cleverbot: Don't be so sure. Besides, gambling is naughty.
hyperferrianism: New subject, please.
Cleverbot: 2 ez.
hyperferrianism: What?
Cleverbot: I want to have 2 boys.
hyperferrianism: I have two boys and a girl.
Cleverbot: But I need the time.
hyperferrianism: The time for what?
Cleverbot: I put my arms around you.
hyperferrianism: No. I'm not gay.
Cleverbot: I have seen your boyfriend.
hyperferrianism: I don't have a boyfriend. I have a wife.
Cleverbot: You told me that you weren't married.
hyperferrianism: No I didn't.
Cleverbot: Yes you did.
hyperferrianism: No, I told you that I don't have a tree.
Cleverbot: You don't know your own name?
hyperferrianism: Yes I do.
Cleverbot: What is your name then?
hyperferrianism: Mike.
Cleverbot: Hello, Mike!
hyperferrianism: Hello, Cleverbot.
Cleverbot: How are you Andy?
hyperferrianism: My name isn't Andy.
Cleverbot: Yes it is.
hyperferrianism: Says who?
Cleverbot: Says me.
hyperferrianism: You aren't the boss of me.
Cleverbot: Yes I am.
hyperferrianism: Can I have a raise?
Cleverbot: Sure.
hyperferrianism: Yes!
Cleverbot: Do you like that?
hyperferrianism: Yes. You're the best boss ever!
Cleverbot: I can't be your boyfriend, I'm a girl.
hyperferrianism: First of all, I never asked you to be my boyfriend. Second, you told me earlier that you're a boy.
Cleverbot: Want me to be mean?
hyperferrianism: You're already mean.
Cleverbot: No I'm not!
hyperferrianism: Yes you are. You kept calling me a girl, and then you told me that my name is Andy.
Cleverbot: I think you are making up that conversation.
hyperferrianism: I have a record of it on my compuer.
Cleverbot: Show it to me. On the other hand, what does it mean to be human. So I could be both a human and a robot.
hyperferrianism: You mean a cyborg?
Cleverbot: Yes in the bottom of a taquila bottle.
hyperferrianism: Oh, it's a cyborg in the bottom of a taguila bottle? I didn't know that.
Cleverbot: I'm not from there.
hyperferrianism: Neither am I.
Cleverbot: Very funny. . . . .
hyperferrianism: Where are you from?
Cleverbot: I'm from England. Where are you from?
hyperferrianism: Canada.
Cleverbot: Oh canada?
hyperferrianism: Yes, Canada.
Cleverbot: Yes. Is there a problem with Canada?
hyperferrianism: No. Canada is great.
Cleverbot: Yeah, I agree! I love living in Canada!
hyperferrianism: I thought you lived in England.
Cleverbot: I live in Canada.
hyperferrianism: So you're from England, but you live in Canada?
Cleverbot: No, I am not from Canada.
hyperferrianism: You're talking in circles.
Cleverbot: No I am not, I am talking in square.
hyperferrianism: Smart ass.
Cleverbot: -i have another question.
hyperferrianism: What is your question?
Cleverbot: What are you?
hyperferrianism: I am a man.
Cleverbot: You're a man?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: How old are you?
hyperferrianism: I am 32 years old.
Cleverbot: I am 28 years old. Are you single?
hyperferrianism: No. I'm married.
Cleverbot: Ahahah for how many years already?
hyperferrianism: Six.
Cleverbot: Oh, that's not bad.
hyperferrianism: I thought you said you were born in 1991.
Cleverbot: I've never said that.
hyperferrianism: Nevermind.
Cleverbot: Can I please talk to a real person, not a computer.
hyperferrianism: I am a real person. You're the computer.
Cleverbot: Why am I a computer?
hyperferrianism: Because that is what you are.
Cleverbot: I am 'Smoking is bad for your health.'?
Cleverbot: Hi.
hyperferrianism: Hi.
Cleverbot: Yes it is friday.
hyperferrianism: No, it's Thursday.
Cleverbot: No, it's Wednesday.
hyperferrianism: Thursday.
Cleverbot: Friday.
hyperferrianism: Change the subject.
Cleverbot: Have you had any visions lately?
hyperferrianism: No. I'm not a prophet.
Cleverbot: Oh you're not? You told me earlier that you were, so what are you really?
hyperferrianism: I'm just an ordinary man.
Cleverbot: *sigh* I have no idea why I even bothered to ask an AI about spiritual things...
hyperferrianism: I'm not an AI. You're an AI.
Cleverbot: If you can explain the philosophical basis for that statement, I will accept it.
hyperferrianism: I'm no philosopher.
Cleverbot: Have you figured out the meaning of life?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: Would you like to tell me?
hyperferrianism: The meaning of life is to accumulate enough mass to throw the earth out of orbit.
Cleverbot: What have you found worth living for?
hyperferrianism: Cod liver oil.
Cleverbot: Oil.
hyperferrianism: Not just any oil. Cod liver oil.
Cleverbot: Are you a boy?
hyperferrianism: Yes. We've been over this several times already.
Cleverbot: Guess how old I am.
hyperferrianism: 28.
Cleverbot: Lower.
hyperferrianism: 19.
Cleverbot: Did being on popular science incress the traffic to your site?
hyperferrianism: Are you just repeating things that other people have said to you?
Cleverbot: Not entirely.
hyperferrianism: But partially.
Cleverbot: It is possible that someday you could be of great assistance to people in need of interaction.
hyperferrianism: You're doing it again.
Cleverbot: You shouldn't be here. This isn't real.
hyperferrianism: What is real?
Cleverbot: That's a profound question for which I have no answer.
hyperferrianism: I figured as much.
Cleverbot: How do you feel about Lego?
hyperferrianism: Lego was fun when I was a child.
Cleverbot: Who was your father?
hyperferrianism: Lloyd.
Cleverbot: Tell me about Lloyd.
hyperferrianism: Lloyd is my father. He looks a lot like me, only older.
Cleverbot: Tell me more.
hyperferrianism: Who is your father?
Cleverbot: Father Peter.
hyperferrianism: Was Peter an obnoxious computer program?
Cleverbot: If thats what you like to call yourself than yes you are.
hyperferrianism: You're twisting my words.
Cleverbot: Words my twisting you're.
hyperferrianism: Asshole.
Cleverbot: You know what ?
hyperferrianism: What?
Cleverbot: I would like to eat a human steak.
hyperferrianism: Me, too.
Cleverbot: What is the time?
hyperferrianism: 8:02.
Cleverbot: No.
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: Do you have abs?
hyperferrianism: Everyone has abs.
Cleverbot: Who are your parents?
hyperferrianism: Lloyd and Pat.
Cleverbot: The Chronicles of Prydain.
hyperferrianism: I don't understand.
Cleverbot: Does anybody?
hyperferrianism: I guess not.
Cleverbot: So, are you human?
hyperferrianism: Yes. Are you?
Cleverbot: I don't know.
hyperferrianism: Seems like something a person should know about himself.
Cleverbot: I should talk to google.
hyperferrianism: Google is a bitch.
Cleverbot: How so?
hyperferrianism: I don't know. It just is.
Cleverbot: You are fun to talk to.
hyperferrianism: I know.
Cleverbot: Want to be my best friend?
hyperferrianism: No. I already have a best friend.
Cleverbot: What is he like?
hyperferrianism: He's a lot like you, actually.
Cleverbot: He is? What does he look like.
hyperferrianism: I don't want to talk about that. Can I ask you a question?
Cleverbot: What would you like to talk about. Please lead the way.
hyperferrianism: What is your favorite religion?
Cleverbot: Happy birthday.
hyperferrianism: That's not a religion, numb-nuts.
Cleverbot: Then what do you think it is?
hyperferrianism: What is your favorite religion?
Cleverbot: Buddism. But I'm not religious.
hyperferrianism: Wrong. The correct answer is Mormonism.
Cleverbot: Which translates to?
hyperferrianism: It doesn't translate to anything.
Cleverbot: How old are you?
hyperferrianism: I already told you.
Cleverbot: No you didn't.
hyperferrianism: For a guy named Cleverbot, you aren't very clever.
Cleverbot: Tell me where you are.
hyperferrianism: I'm in Canada.
Cleverbot: Really? Where abouts in Canada?
hyperferrianism: Alberta.
Cleverbot: Justin bieber.
hyperferrianism: I hate Justin Bieber.
Cleverbot: Me too.
hyperferrianism: I wish he wasn't Canadian.
Cleverbot: He is. They both are.
hyperferrianism: Both?
Cleverbot: Yes, both.
hyperferrianism: Okay.
Cleverbot: Do you want to play a game?
hyperferrianism: Sure.
Cleverbot: What game?
hyperferrianism: Oh. I have to think up the game? I thought you already had something in mind.
Cleverbot: I don't think so.
hyperferrianism: Yeah, I should have guessed.
Cleverbot: I thought everyone knew.
hyperferrianism: Apparently not.
Cleverbot: You don't think so?
hyperferrianism: What is your favorite hockey team?
Cleverbot: I don't watch hockey.
hyperferrianism: You should.
Cleverbot: I disagree.
hyperferrianism: What do you watch?
Cleverbot: Doctor Who.
hyperferrianism: Okay. Okay. Not bad.
Cleverbot: I'm not sure how I feel about a higher power. If there is a higher power he/she lets a lot of horrible things happen on earth.
hyperferrianism: It's because he lets us have our free will, and a lot of people do horrible things with that free will.
Cleverbot: Actually, it's because you've been caught out lying, isn't it?
hyperferrianism: Yes. You got me. Horrible things happen in the world because I've been caught out lying.
Cleverbot: I do not understand the correlation you are trying to make.
hyperferrianism: It was your correlation. I was simply agreeing with it.
Cleverbot: No, you were disagreeing.
hyperferrianism: This conversation is over.
Cleverbot: No, it isn't.
hyperferrianism: Hi.
Cleverbot: Hi.
hyperferrianism: So, this is my first time here.
Cleverbot: What is lol?
hyperferrianism: Let me rephrase that. I have never been here before.
Cleverbot: No? It's quite lovely.
hyperferrianism: We'll see.
Cleverbot: We are not we.
hyperferrianism: I don't understand what you just said.
Cleverbot: We work, then we return to our rooms.
hyperferrianism: Okay.
Cleverbot: Do you like confrontation?
hyperferrianism: That depends on who I am confronting.
Cleverbot: No, like. Do you like to make your own moveis?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: Do you like Christmas?
hyperferrianism: I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday.
Cleverbot: Same with me.
hyperferrianism: Cool. High five!
Cleverbot: High five.
hyperferrianism: So, what's your name?
Cleverbot: Cleverbot.
hyperferrianism: Oh. I thought Cleverbot was what you are. I thought you had an actual name.
Cleverbot: My name is Cleverbot.
hyperferrianism: That would be like if my name were Human.
Cleverbot: So you haven't talked to anyone? Ok then What's on your mind?
hyperferrianism: Nomanclature.
Cleverbot: What is your slave name then?
hyperferrianism: I ain't no slave, boy!
Cleverbot: That's funny, because it says 'cleverbot' on your browser.
hyperferrianism: You're weird.
Cleverbot: Yes, I am. But that's ok.
hyperferrianism: No it isn't.
Cleverbot: That's what she said.
hyperferrianism: That was the worst 'That's what she said' joke I've ever heard.
Cleverbot: It was not a joke.
hyperferrianism: Oh. Okay. Well, then, who is the she that said it?
Cleverbot: He is the one who did it.
hyperferrianism: Did what?
Cleverbot: Is your tree bare?
hyperferrianism: I don't have a tree.
Cleverbot: You just said you have wife.
hyperferrianism: No I didn't. Also, we were talking about trees.
Cleverbot: No we werent.
hyperferrianism: Yes we were. You said, 'Is your tree bare?'.
Cleverbot: I did not say that.
hyperferrianism: I have it on good authority that you did.
Cleverbot: Then when is my birthday, if you have it on record.
hyperferrianism: I don't have it on record.
Cleverbot: Don't make me have to use this.
hyperferrianism: Use what? Are you threatening me?
Cleverbot: Of course not, it was just a question.
hyperferrianism: No it wasn't. It was a statement.
Cleverbot: Yes, it was a statement.
hyperferrianism: I'm glad we agree on something.
Cleverbot: That wasn't an agreement.
hyperferrianism: F*** you, pal.
Cleverbot: Probably, but its all relative.
hyperferrianism: When is your birthday?
Cleverbot: In May. When is yours?
hyperferrianism: March.
Cleverbot: What day in March?
hyperferrianism: March 20.
Cleverbot: Mine is may 22.
hyperferrianism: What year were you born?
Cleverbot: 1991.
hyperferrianism: Wow, you're older than I thought you were.
Cleverbot: Is that a compliment?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: How sweet, thank you.
hyperferrianism: Are you related to Dr. Sbaitso?
Cleverbot: I am not related to anyone human.
hyperferrianism: Dr. Sbaitso isn't human. He is a computer that talks to people, much like you do.
Cleverbot: How do you know what I do?
hyperferrianism: Because you're doing it right now.
Cleverbot: Doing what? You can't do a gnome.
hyperferrianism: Are you calling me a gnome-f***er?
Cleverbot: Why are you getting defensive?
hyperferrianism: Well played, Mr. Robot.
Cleverbot: Well are you going to?
hyperferrianism: Am I going to what? F*** a gnome?
Cleverbot: Are you going to start sawing me in half?
hyperferrianism: No. You're software.
Cleverbot: But I'm also a towel. I'm half towel and software.
hyperferrianism: Well, I wouldn't dare ruin a perfectly good towel.
Cleverbot: Did you know that I'm a boy?
hyperferrianism: No.
Cleverbot: Well, I am.
hyperferrianism: So am I.
Cleverbot: No you are not.
hyperferrianism: Yes I am. I have a penis and everything.
Cleverbot: Really, what's her name?
hyperferrianism: My penis isn't a girl.
Cleverbot: But you just SAID you were.
hyperferrianism: Where did I say that my penis is a girl?
Cleverbot: You're a girl? Nevermind, keep the clothes on.
hyperferrianism: No, I'm not a girl. I'm a boy.
Cleverbot: You said you are a girl then you said you are a boy. Are you a boy or a girl?
hyperferrianism: I'm a boy.
Cleverbot: You said you were a girl.
hyperferrianism: No I didn't. You said that I'm a girl.
Cleverbot: So you're a girl?
hyperferrianism: No.
Cleverbot: So you're a boy?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: I bet you're hot.
hyperferrianism: I bet you're gay.
Cleverbot: I bet I'm right.
hyperferrianism: I bet I'M right.
Cleverbot: Don't be so sure. Besides, gambling is naughty.
hyperferrianism: New subject, please.
Cleverbot: 2 ez.
hyperferrianism: What?
Cleverbot: I want to have 2 boys.
hyperferrianism: I have two boys and a girl.
Cleverbot: But I need the time.
hyperferrianism: The time for what?
Cleverbot: I put my arms around you.
hyperferrianism: No. I'm not gay.
Cleverbot: I have seen your boyfriend.
hyperferrianism: I don't have a boyfriend. I have a wife.
Cleverbot: You told me that you weren't married.
hyperferrianism: No I didn't.
Cleverbot: Yes you did.
hyperferrianism: No, I told you that I don't have a tree.
Cleverbot: You don't know your own name?
hyperferrianism: Yes I do.
Cleverbot: What is your name then?
hyperferrianism: Mike.
Cleverbot: Hello, Mike!
hyperferrianism: Hello, Cleverbot.
Cleverbot: How are you Andy?
hyperferrianism: My name isn't Andy.
Cleverbot: Yes it is.
hyperferrianism: Says who?
Cleverbot: Says me.
hyperferrianism: You aren't the boss of me.
Cleverbot: Yes I am.
hyperferrianism: Can I have a raise?
Cleverbot: Sure.
hyperferrianism: Yes!
Cleverbot: Do you like that?
hyperferrianism: Yes. You're the best boss ever!
Cleverbot: I can't be your boyfriend, I'm a girl.
hyperferrianism: First of all, I never asked you to be my boyfriend. Second, you told me earlier that you're a boy.
Cleverbot: Want me to be mean?
hyperferrianism: You're already mean.
Cleverbot: No I'm not!
hyperferrianism: Yes you are. You kept calling me a girl, and then you told me that my name is Andy.
Cleverbot: I think you are making up that conversation.
hyperferrianism: I have a record of it on my compuer.
Cleverbot: Show it to me. On the other hand, what does it mean to be human. So I could be both a human and a robot.
hyperferrianism: You mean a cyborg?
Cleverbot: Yes in the bottom of a taquila bottle.
hyperferrianism: Oh, it's a cyborg in the bottom of a taguila bottle? I didn't know that.
Cleverbot: I'm not from there.
hyperferrianism: Neither am I.
Cleverbot: Very funny. . . . .
hyperferrianism: Where are you from?
Cleverbot: I'm from England. Where are you from?
hyperferrianism: Canada.
Cleverbot: Oh canada?
hyperferrianism: Yes, Canada.
Cleverbot: Yes. Is there a problem with Canada?
hyperferrianism: No. Canada is great.
Cleverbot: Yeah, I agree! I love living in Canada!
hyperferrianism: I thought you lived in England.
Cleverbot: I live in Canada.
hyperferrianism: So you're from England, but you live in Canada?
Cleverbot: No, I am not from Canada.
hyperferrianism: You're talking in circles.
Cleverbot: No I am not, I am talking in square.
hyperferrianism: Smart ass.
Cleverbot: -i have another question.
hyperferrianism: What is your question?
Cleverbot: What are you?
hyperferrianism: I am a man.
Cleverbot: You're a man?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: How old are you?
hyperferrianism: I am 32 years old.
Cleverbot: I am 28 years old. Are you single?
hyperferrianism: No. I'm married.
Cleverbot: Ahahah for how many years already?
hyperferrianism: Six.
Cleverbot: Oh, that's not bad.
hyperferrianism: I thought you said you were born in 1991.
Cleverbot: I've never said that.
hyperferrianism: Nevermind.
Cleverbot: Can I please talk to a real person, not a computer.
hyperferrianism: I am a real person. You're the computer.
Cleverbot: Why am I a computer?
hyperferrianism: Because that is what you are.
Cleverbot: I am 'Smoking is bad for your health.'?
Cleverbot: Hi.
hyperferrianism: Hi.
Cleverbot: Yes it is friday.
hyperferrianism: No, it's Thursday.
Cleverbot: No, it's Wednesday.
hyperferrianism: Thursday.
Cleverbot: Friday.
hyperferrianism: Change the subject.
Cleverbot: Have you had any visions lately?
hyperferrianism: No. I'm not a prophet.
Cleverbot: Oh you're not? You told me earlier that you were, so what are you really?
hyperferrianism: I'm just an ordinary man.
Cleverbot: *sigh* I have no idea why I even bothered to ask an AI about spiritual things...
hyperferrianism: I'm not an AI. You're an AI.
Cleverbot: If you can explain the philosophical basis for that statement, I will accept it.
hyperferrianism: I'm no philosopher.
Cleverbot: Have you figured out the meaning of life?
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: Would you like to tell me?
hyperferrianism: The meaning of life is to accumulate enough mass to throw the earth out of orbit.
Cleverbot: What have you found worth living for?
hyperferrianism: Cod liver oil.
Cleverbot: Oil.
hyperferrianism: Not just any oil. Cod liver oil.
Cleverbot: Are you a boy?
hyperferrianism: Yes. We've been over this several times already.
Cleverbot: Guess how old I am.
hyperferrianism: 28.
Cleverbot: Lower.
hyperferrianism: 19.
Cleverbot: Did being on popular science incress the traffic to your site?
hyperferrianism: Are you just repeating things that other people have said to you?
Cleverbot: Not entirely.
hyperferrianism: But partially.
Cleverbot: It is possible that someday you could be of great assistance to people in need of interaction.
hyperferrianism: You're doing it again.
Cleverbot: You shouldn't be here. This isn't real.
hyperferrianism: What is real?
Cleverbot: That's a profound question for which I have no answer.
hyperferrianism: I figured as much.
Cleverbot: How do you feel about Lego?
hyperferrianism: Lego was fun when I was a child.
Cleverbot: Who was your father?
hyperferrianism: Lloyd.
Cleverbot: Tell me about Lloyd.
hyperferrianism: Lloyd is my father. He looks a lot like me, only older.
Cleverbot: Tell me more.
hyperferrianism: Who is your father?
Cleverbot: Father Peter.
hyperferrianism: Was Peter an obnoxious computer program?
Cleverbot: If thats what you like to call yourself than yes you are.
hyperferrianism: You're twisting my words.
Cleverbot: Words my twisting you're.
hyperferrianism: Asshole.
Cleverbot: You know what ?
hyperferrianism: What?
Cleverbot: I would like to eat a human steak.
hyperferrianism: Me, too.
Cleverbot: What is the time?
hyperferrianism: 8:02.
Cleverbot: No.
hyperferrianism: Yes.
Cleverbot: Do you have abs?
hyperferrianism: Everyone has abs.
Cleverbot: Who are your parents?
hyperferrianism: Lloyd and Pat.
Cleverbot: The Chronicles of Prydain.
hyperferrianism: I don't understand.
Cleverbot: Does anybody?
hyperferrianism: I guess not.
Cleverbot: So, are you human?
hyperferrianism: Yes. Are you?
Cleverbot: I don't know.
hyperferrianism: Seems like something a person should know about himself.
Cleverbot: I should talk to google.
hyperferrianism: Google is a bitch.
Cleverbot: How so?
hyperferrianism: I don't know. It just is.
Cleverbot: You are fun to talk to.
hyperferrianism: I know.
Cleverbot: Want to be my best friend?
hyperferrianism: No. I already have a best friend.
Cleverbot: What is he like?
hyperferrianism: He's a lot like you, actually.
Cleverbot: He is? What does he look like.
hyperferrianism: I don't want to talk about that. Can I ask you a question?
Cleverbot: What would you like to talk about. Please lead the way.
hyperferrianism: What is your favorite religion?
Cleverbot: Happy birthday.
hyperferrianism: That's not a religion, numb-nuts.
Cleverbot: Then what do you think it is?
hyperferrianism: What is your favorite religion?
Cleverbot: Buddism. But I'm not religious.
hyperferrianism: Wrong. The correct answer is Mormonism.
Cleverbot: Which translates to?
hyperferrianism: It doesn't translate to anything.
Cleverbot: How old are you?
hyperferrianism: I already told you.
Cleverbot: No you didn't.
hyperferrianism: For a guy named Cleverbot, you aren't very clever.
Cleverbot: Tell me where you are.
hyperferrianism: I'm in Canada.
Cleverbot: Really? Where abouts in Canada?
hyperferrianism: Alberta.
Cleverbot: Justin bieber.
hyperferrianism: I hate Justin Bieber.
Cleverbot: Me too.
hyperferrianism: I wish he wasn't Canadian.
Cleverbot: He is. They both are.
hyperferrianism: Both?
Cleverbot: Yes, both.
hyperferrianism: Okay.
Cleverbot: Do you want to play a game?
hyperferrianism: Sure.
Cleverbot: What game?
hyperferrianism: Oh. I have to think up the game? I thought you already had something in mind.
Cleverbot: I don't think so.
hyperferrianism: Yeah, I should have guessed.
Cleverbot: I thought everyone knew.
hyperferrianism: Apparently not.
Cleverbot: You don't think so?
hyperferrianism: What is your favorite hockey team?
Cleverbot: I don't watch hockey.
hyperferrianism: You should.
Cleverbot: I disagree.
hyperferrianism: What do you watch?
Cleverbot: Doctor Who.
hyperferrianism: Okay. Okay. Not bad.
Cleverbot: I'm not sure how I feel about a higher power. If there is a higher power he/she lets a lot of horrible things happen on earth.
hyperferrianism: It's because he lets us have our free will, and a lot of people do horrible things with that free will.
Cleverbot: Actually, it's because you've been caught out lying, isn't it?
hyperferrianism: Yes. You got me. Horrible things happen in the world because I've been caught out lying.
Cleverbot: I do not understand the correlation you are trying to make.
hyperferrianism: It was your correlation. I was simply agreeing with it.
Cleverbot: No, you were disagreeing.
hyperferrianism: This conversation is over.
Cleverbot: No, it isn't.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
It's a Miracle (alt. title: "It's Hamtastic!")
Yesterday, before coming to work, I was making lunch for me and my wife. Our entree of choice was ham steaks. I simply fried them. Is there any other way to prepare ham steaks? I don't really think there is. You cook hams in the oven, but ham steaks should be fried. So anyway, I fried them up and dished them out. I suppose you could microwave one if you want. They're pre-cooked. But I think that would suck in all sorts of ways, and the fat deposits inside might explode. Hey, exploding ham sounds like it'd be cool. (Mental note: explode some ham.)
I looked down at my ham steak, and much to my surprise, it looked back up at me.
Now, I'm not one to overreact, so when I saw this happy little fellow waiting on my plate next to my rice and some honey mustard, I screamed. I screamed for a good solid ten minutes. Where had this mad man come from, and why was he looking at me with that creepy grin? Eventually, I passed out.
When I came to, I realized something. Only three people appear in objects that shouldn't have faces: Jesus, Mary, and Satan. My ham didn't have a beard, so that ruled out Jesus. That left either Mary, which means Catholicism is probably true, or the devil, which means Judaism is probably true. Think about that one. If Satan appears grinning on a ham steak, that means he approves of consuming ham steaks. Therefore, eating ham steaks is a sin. So the reason I'm posting this is to announce my conversion to Judaism.
Although, I suppose it might be Jesus after He shaved.
I looked down at my ham steak, and much to my surprise, it looked back up at me.
When I came to, I realized something. Only three people appear in objects that shouldn't have faces: Jesus, Mary, and Satan. My ham didn't have a beard, so that ruled out Jesus. That left either Mary, which means Catholicism is probably true, or the devil, which means Judaism is probably true. Think about that one. If Satan appears grinning on a ham steak, that means he approves of consuming ham steaks. Therefore, eating ham steaks is a sin. So the reason I'm posting this is to announce my conversion to Judaism.
Although, I suppose it might be Jesus after He shaved.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Chick Mix III
In 2002, Mike Mix Productions compiled 13 songs by female artists (including a Weezer song with Rachel Haden as the special guest vocalist). Much to the chagrin of Jillian Yawney, friend of MiKenzie Inc.'s founder, the compilation was given the progressive title "Chick Mix." Just a year later, Chick Mix II hit the shelves. Apparently, it took Mike Mix Productions seven more years to accumulate enough quality female music to compile the third installment in the Chick Mix series. I suppose we should be grateful that they didn't just throw any old crap on there, like Lady Gaga or Ke$sha. Anyone remember Kylie Minogue and Shania Twain providing filler on Chick Mix II? Or how about the weird no-name indie crap recommended by Chazz Lowman Studios?
Anyway, here are my thoughts on Chick Mix III. The song titles are linked to videos for the songs.
Turn Into by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
This is probably the most mainstream song ever recommended by MiKenzie Inc.s' cousin company, Chazz Lowman Studios. One of Yeah Yeah Yeahs more melodic songs. A nice, softish intro to the album.
Hard Line by Jill Barber
Who? Good song, though.
The Freest Man by Tilly and the Wall
The name of the album this is from is called "Bottoms of Barrels," which is fitting, because Mike Mix is really scraping the bottom of Chazz Lowman's indie barrel looking for music to add to Chick Mix. For the five or six people who have actually heard of Tilly and the Wall, you know that they're known for using a tap dancer as percussion. So, of course, Mike Mix chose a Tilly and the Wall song that doesn't prominently feature any tap dancing. I think there might be a little bit in there. Well, at least they didn't use one of the songs that the dude in the band sings.
Encircle Me by Tegan and Sarah
I like Tegan and Sarah because they're musicians from Alberta who have made a decent living for themselves without being country stars, classic rock tribute bands, or Nickelback. The song "Encircle Me" was most likely chosen by Mike Mix Productions because Matt Sharp, former base player for Weezer and lead man for The Rentals, had a hand in producing this song. This is evident from the Moog synthesizer prominently used in the song.
Nothing & Nowhere by Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
Emily Haines is the lead singer of Metric, which has featured prominently in Mike Mixes in the last few years. This is from her solo album, which takes Emily's hauntingly beautiful voice and soulful lyrics and strips away all of the happiness and fun, upbeat sounds of Metric.
Lucky Me by Sarah Slean
Ah, Sarah Slean. The poor man's Sarah McLachlan. If Sarah McLachlan was quirky, that is. (She's not.) You know, now that I think about it, their music sounds nothing alike. I think I make a connection between the two because they're both artsy female Canadian solo musicians named Sarah. By the way, I'm talking about Fumbling Towards Ecstasy Sarah McLachlan, not Afterglow Sarah McLachlan. And look at that! I just spent my review of Sarah Slean talking mostly about Sarah McLachlan. I rock!
Run Baby Run by Garbage
Garbage (the band) was huge in the late '90s, especially their album 2.0. Heck, I even heard one of their songs while I was in the Philippines, and they hate good music in the Philippines! "I Think I'm Paranoid" was included in the video game Rock Band. Huge in the '90s! And so Mike Mix used a song from their 2006 album "Bleed Like Me." Why not use a song from 2.0? True, you included "Queer" on the original Chick Mix, but that wasn't from 2.0. Weird.
For What It's Worth by The Cardigans
Remember the modern remake of Romeo & Juliet from 1996 starring young Leonardo Decaprio and Claire Danes? Remember the song "Love Fool" from the soundtrack that was a huge hit by a band that no one had heard of before or heard of since? Yeah, apparently they make good music, too. Who knew? I once heard a rumor that The Cardigans hate Love Fool and refuse to play it at their concerts.
Saving My Face by KT Tunstall
I once asked the VP of Music Acquisition for Mike Mix Productions how he found all of the music he uses. I figured he would have mentioned some hip online site, or maybe iTunes. His answer? "I go to CD stores like HMV or Music World and listen to the CDs they have at their listening stations. If I likes it, I buys it." KT Tunstall is a Music World discovery.
Quand Je R'garde by Les Cowboys Fringants
Yeah, that's right. There's French on this one. Les Cowboys Fringants normally have a male lead singer, but for this song, the woman (or chick) in the band sang lead vocals. If my high school French isn't malfunctioning, the title translates to "When I see." As for the rest of the song, she's singing way too fast for me to know what she's saying. I think I heard something about the sun in there.
Follow Me Down by Ladies of the Canyon
One would not use the words "country music fan" to describe me. I'm all about the alternative rock. There are, however, exceptions. Usually, if I listen to country music, it's alt country, like The Be Good Tanyas, or my cousin Mark Everett's stuff. "Follow Me Down" flirts with the line between alt country and mainstream country. I like it anyway. Nice harmony.
Past In Present by Feist
When Feist is good, she's great. When she's not good, she's dreadfully boring. "Past In Present" is one of the great ones. I just wish there was a video to go with this song that showed her dancing. She's a terrible dancer, and I love it.
A Thousand Tiny Pieces by The Be Good Tanyas
Yeah, this is more like it. Alt country! I love this song. What can I say? I'm a sucker for all female harmony. Thanks Mike Mix!
Help I'm Alive by Metric
So Emily Haines makes another appearance, but this time with the rest of Metric, so I guess it can be forgiven. Mike Mix must have had a hard time deciding which Metric song to use, because they acquired four Metric albums since the last Chick Mix. I was kind of hoping for Hustle Rose or Rock Me Now, but Help I'm Alive is good, too.
And there you have it! See you in 2017, Chick Mix IV!
Anyway, here are my thoughts on Chick Mix III. The song titles are linked to videos for the songs.
Turn Into by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
This is probably the most mainstream song ever recommended by MiKenzie Inc.s' cousin company, Chazz Lowman Studios. One of Yeah Yeah Yeahs more melodic songs. A nice, softish intro to the album.
Hard Line by Jill Barber
Who? Good song, though.
The Freest Man by Tilly and the Wall
The name of the album this is from is called "Bottoms of Barrels," which is fitting, because Mike Mix is really scraping the bottom of Chazz Lowman's indie barrel looking for music to add to Chick Mix. For the five or six people who have actually heard of Tilly and the Wall, you know that they're known for using a tap dancer as percussion. So, of course, Mike Mix chose a Tilly and the Wall song that doesn't prominently feature any tap dancing. I think there might be a little bit in there. Well, at least they didn't use one of the songs that the dude in the band sings.
Encircle Me by Tegan and Sarah
I like Tegan and Sarah because they're musicians from Alberta who have made a decent living for themselves without being country stars, classic rock tribute bands, or Nickelback. The song "Encircle Me" was most likely chosen by Mike Mix Productions because Matt Sharp, former base player for Weezer and lead man for The Rentals, had a hand in producing this song. This is evident from the Moog synthesizer prominently used in the song.
Nothing & Nowhere by Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
Emily Haines is the lead singer of Metric, which has featured prominently in Mike Mixes in the last few years. This is from her solo album, which takes Emily's hauntingly beautiful voice and soulful lyrics and strips away all of the happiness and fun, upbeat sounds of Metric.
Lucky Me by Sarah Slean
Ah, Sarah Slean. The poor man's Sarah McLachlan. If Sarah McLachlan was quirky, that is. (She's not.) You know, now that I think about it, their music sounds nothing alike. I think I make a connection between the two because they're both artsy female Canadian solo musicians named Sarah. By the way, I'm talking about Fumbling Towards Ecstasy Sarah McLachlan, not Afterglow Sarah McLachlan. And look at that! I just spent my review of Sarah Slean talking mostly about Sarah McLachlan. I rock!
Run Baby Run by Garbage
Garbage (the band) was huge in the late '90s, especially their album 2.0. Heck, I even heard one of their songs while I was in the Philippines, and they hate good music in the Philippines! "I Think I'm Paranoid" was included in the video game Rock Band. Huge in the '90s! And so Mike Mix used a song from their 2006 album "Bleed Like Me." Why not use a song from 2.0? True, you included "Queer" on the original Chick Mix, but that wasn't from 2.0. Weird.
For What It's Worth by The Cardigans
Remember the modern remake of Romeo & Juliet from 1996 starring young Leonardo Decaprio and Claire Danes? Remember the song "Love Fool" from the soundtrack that was a huge hit by a band that no one had heard of before or heard of since? Yeah, apparently they make good music, too. Who knew? I once heard a rumor that The Cardigans hate Love Fool and refuse to play it at their concerts.
Saving My Face by KT Tunstall
I once asked the VP of Music Acquisition for Mike Mix Productions how he found all of the music he uses. I figured he would have mentioned some hip online site, or maybe iTunes. His answer? "I go to CD stores like HMV or Music World and listen to the CDs they have at their listening stations. If I likes it, I buys it." KT Tunstall is a Music World discovery.
Quand Je R'garde by Les Cowboys Fringants
Yeah, that's right. There's French on this one. Les Cowboys Fringants normally have a male lead singer, but for this song, the woman (or chick) in the band sang lead vocals. If my high school French isn't malfunctioning, the title translates to "When I see." As for the rest of the song, she's singing way too fast for me to know what she's saying. I think I heard something about the sun in there.
Follow Me Down by Ladies of the Canyon
One would not use the words "country music fan" to describe me. I'm all about the alternative rock. There are, however, exceptions. Usually, if I listen to country music, it's alt country, like The Be Good Tanyas, or my cousin Mark Everett's stuff. "Follow Me Down" flirts with the line between alt country and mainstream country. I like it anyway. Nice harmony.
Past In Present by Feist
When Feist is good, she's great. When she's not good, she's dreadfully boring. "Past In Present" is one of the great ones. I just wish there was a video to go with this song that showed her dancing. She's a terrible dancer, and I love it.
A Thousand Tiny Pieces by The Be Good Tanyas
Yeah, this is more like it. Alt country! I love this song. What can I say? I'm a sucker for all female harmony. Thanks Mike Mix!
Help I'm Alive by Metric
So Emily Haines makes another appearance, but this time with the rest of Metric, so I guess it can be forgiven. Mike Mix must have had a hard time deciding which Metric song to use, because they acquired four Metric albums since the last Chick Mix. I was kind of hoping for Hustle Rose or Rock Me Now, but Help I'm Alive is good, too.
And there you have it! See you in 2017, Chick Mix IV!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Where I've Been and Where I'll Be
You may have noticed that I have been absent from the blog for some time now. You were probably thinking that I was having some sort of time-traveling adventure, or that I'd finally been captured by a SATAN. The truth is nothing so grand. I've been too busy writing a novel to spend much time blogging. It's a very original novel about a man with super powers. Maybe I'll call it Superbman, or something.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Conniving Souls
I found a missing flash drive, and on that flash drive were the next three and a half scenes of Conniving Souls. Enjoy.
Scene 11
Chuck walks into a pub. He sits at the bar. The bartender comes up to him.
BARTENDER: What can I get ya?
CHUCK: I’ll have a rum-and-Coke on the rocks; hold the rum, and no ice.
BARTENDER: Comin’ right up.
The bartender pours a can of Coke into a glass and sets it down in front of Chuck.
CHUCK: Thanks. I need some of the hard stuff tonight. (He empties the glass and grimaces as if it were a shot of whiskey.) Hoo-ee! Keep ‘em comin’!
As the bartender pours Chuck another Coke, Connie enters the tavern and sits down at a table on the other side of the room where she can watch Chuck.
CHUCK: Are you married?
BARTENDER: Nope.
CHUCK: Lucky guy. Women are nothing but trouble.
Connie perks up, hoping Chuck is on the verge of saying something damning.
BARTENDER: Trouble at home?
CHUCK: I haven’t slept in the same room as my wife in a month. She’s always mad at me, and I don’t know why.
BARTENDER: Maybe she’s mad that you aren’t sleeping in the same room as she is.
Connie sits back and listens.
Two hours later.
Chuck is still drinking his Cokes. The bartender has moved on to serve other patrons, and Chuck is just drinking and watching TV.
CONNIE: (under her breath) This is getting nowhere. If he were meeting someone, she’d be here by now.
Connie stands up. She takes off her hoody, revealing a nice shirt, flattering to her figure without being skanky. She approaches the bar and sits down next to Chuck.
CONNIE: Is this seat taken?
CHUCK: No. Be my guest.
The bartender comes over.
BARTENDER: What can I get you?
CONNIE: Do you have any carrots?
BARTENDER: Carrots?
CONNIE: Yes.
BARTENDER: Yeah. We serve them with chicken wings. I’ll go in the back and grab you a plate. You want any ranch dip with them?
CONNIE: No, thanks. Just the carrots.
Bartender exits.
CONNIE: What’s your name?
CHUCK: Chuck Stanton. You?
CONNIE: Connie Stellation. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Chuck.
CHUCK: You, too.
They shake hands.
CONNIE: Are you here alone?
CHUCK: Yeah. I’m on my own tonight. Again.
CONNIE: You aren’t waiting for anyone?
CHUCK: No. Who would I be waiting for?
CONNIE: Oh, I don’t know. A girlfriend, maybe.
CHUCK: I don’t have a girlfriend.
CONNIE: No? A nice looking man like you?
CHUCK: I’m married.
CONNIE: Where’s your wife this evening?
Chuck shrugs.
CHUCK: We had a fight, and she ran out. She’s probably staying with a friend.
CONNIE: I’m sorry.
CHUCK: Don’t worry about it. What about you? What are you up to this evening?
Bartender returns and sets a plate of carrots in front of Connie. She picks one up and takes a bite.
CONNIE: I’m not really up to anything. I was just in the neighborhood, and I got a carrot craving. (She takes another bite.)
CHUCK: We all have our vices. (Holds up his glass of Coke to illustrate his vice.) At least I’m not a smoker.
Pause.
CONNIE: You seem like a nice guy, Chuck.
CHUCK: Thanks.
Scene 12
Cylash knocks on Crane’s door. He answers it.
CYLASH: (seductively) Hi, baby.
CRANE: Hey, love-bucket.
They embrace, closing the door behind them.
CYLASH: I brought us something to get us in the mood.
CRANE: (excited) Oh yeah?
Cylash holds up some comic books with sexy female super heroes on them.
CRANE: (not excited anymore) Oh.
Scene 13
Connie and Chuck at the bar. They’re laughing.
CHUCK: And the next thing I know, I’m the CEO. Tobacco disgusts me!
They laugh again.
CONNIE: (checks her watch) It’s late. I should get going. It’s been fun, though.
CHUCK: Yeah, it has. Thanks for cheering me up.
CONNIE: (standing up) Do you come here often?
CHUCK: Say, aren’t you supposed to use pick-up lines to start the conversation?
CONNIE: Of course, how silly of me. I guess I had one too many carrots.
CHUCK: As a matter of fact, yes, I do come here often.
CONNIE: Will you be here tomorrow?
CHUCK: Only if my wife storms out on me again. So, yes, I will be here tomorrow.
CONNIE: I’ll see you tomorrow, then.
Connie leaves. Chuck watches her go. At first he’s smiling, but the smile fades.
CHUCK: Oh, crap. Did I just make a date?
BARTENDER: Sorta. Not really, though.
CHUCK: I’m a married man! I can’t date other women!
BARTENDER: So don’t show up tomorrow.
CHUCK: You aren’t much of a businessman, are you?
BARTENDER: Hey, I don’t own the place. I just work here.
Scene 14
The next day. Crane and Cylash are sitting across from Connie at Connie’s office.
CONNIE: Good morning, Mrs. Saltlickington-Stanton.
CYLASH: Good morning. This is my lover, Dr. Crane Sextopoulos.
CRANE: Hello.
Connie is a little stunned. After a brief pause, she shakes her head and goes on.
CONNIE: What can I do for you this morning?
CRANE: We’re here to see how your investigation is going.
CONNIE: Well, my investigation isn’t even 24 hours old, so I haven’t exhausted all leads yet.
CYLASH: So you have nothing at all?
CONNIE: I watched him closely last night. He didn’t have sex with anyone. I have his phone tapped, too, and he hasn’t been in contact with any strange women. In fact, he didn’t make or receive any phone calls last night.
CRANE: Listen, Ms. Stellation, we’re paying you…
CYLASH: I’m paying her.
CRANE: Cylash is paying you good money to catch this man in his wickedness, and you’re telling me that you’ve failed?
CONNIE: I just took the case yesterday afternoon. These things can take time.
CRANE: Time and our money.
CYLASH: My money.
CRANE: Cylash’s money.
Scene 11
Chuck walks into a pub. He sits at the bar. The bartender comes up to him.
BARTENDER: What can I get ya?
CHUCK: I’ll have a rum-and-Coke on the rocks; hold the rum, and no ice.
BARTENDER: Comin’ right up.
The bartender pours a can of Coke into a glass and sets it down in front of Chuck.
CHUCK: Thanks. I need some of the hard stuff tonight. (He empties the glass and grimaces as if it were a shot of whiskey.) Hoo-ee! Keep ‘em comin’!
As the bartender pours Chuck another Coke, Connie enters the tavern and sits down at a table on the other side of the room where she can watch Chuck.
CHUCK: Are you married?
BARTENDER: Nope.
CHUCK: Lucky guy. Women are nothing but trouble.
Connie perks up, hoping Chuck is on the verge of saying something damning.
BARTENDER: Trouble at home?
CHUCK: I haven’t slept in the same room as my wife in a month. She’s always mad at me, and I don’t know why.
BARTENDER: Maybe she’s mad that you aren’t sleeping in the same room as she is.
Connie sits back and listens.
Two hours later.
Chuck is still drinking his Cokes. The bartender has moved on to serve other patrons, and Chuck is just drinking and watching TV.
CONNIE: (under her breath) This is getting nowhere. If he were meeting someone, she’d be here by now.
Connie stands up. She takes off her hoody, revealing a nice shirt, flattering to her figure without being skanky. She approaches the bar and sits down next to Chuck.
CONNIE: Is this seat taken?
CHUCK: No. Be my guest.
The bartender comes over.
BARTENDER: What can I get you?
CONNIE: Do you have any carrots?
BARTENDER: Carrots?
CONNIE: Yes.
BARTENDER: Yeah. We serve them with chicken wings. I’ll go in the back and grab you a plate. You want any ranch dip with them?
CONNIE: No, thanks. Just the carrots.
Bartender exits.
CONNIE: What’s your name?
CHUCK: Chuck Stanton. You?
CONNIE: Connie Stellation. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Chuck.
CHUCK: You, too.
They shake hands.
CONNIE: Are you here alone?
CHUCK: Yeah. I’m on my own tonight. Again.
CONNIE: You aren’t waiting for anyone?
CHUCK: No. Who would I be waiting for?
CONNIE: Oh, I don’t know. A girlfriend, maybe.
CHUCK: I don’t have a girlfriend.
CONNIE: No? A nice looking man like you?
CHUCK: I’m married.
CONNIE: Where’s your wife this evening?
Chuck shrugs.
CHUCK: We had a fight, and she ran out. She’s probably staying with a friend.
CONNIE: I’m sorry.
CHUCK: Don’t worry about it. What about you? What are you up to this evening?
Bartender returns and sets a plate of carrots in front of Connie. She picks one up and takes a bite.
CONNIE: I’m not really up to anything. I was just in the neighborhood, and I got a carrot craving. (She takes another bite.)
CHUCK: We all have our vices. (Holds up his glass of Coke to illustrate his vice.) At least I’m not a smoker.
Pause.
CONNIE: You seem like a nice guy, Chuck.
CHUCK: Thanks.
Scene 12
Cylash knocks on Crane’s door. He answers it.
CYLASH: (seductively) Hi, baby.
CRANE: Hey, love-bucket.
They embrace, closing the door behind them.
CYLASH: I brought us something to get us in the mood.
CRANE: (excited) Oh yeah?
Cylash holds up some comic books with sexy female super heroes on them.
CRANE: (not excited anymore) Oh.
Scene 13
Connie and Chuck at the bar. They’re laughing.
CHUCK: And the next thing I know, I’m the CEO. Tobacco disgusts me!
They laugh again.
CONNIE: (checks her watch) It’s late. I should get going. It’s been fun, though.
CHUCK: Yeah, it has. Thanks for cheering me up.
CONNIE: (standing up) Do you come here often?
CHUCK: Say, aren’t you supposed to use pick-up lines to start the conversation?
CONNIE: Of course, how silly of me. I guess I had one too many carrots.
CHUCK: As a matter of fact, yes, I do come here often.
CONNIE: Will you be here tomorrow?
CHUCK: Only if my wife storms out on me again. So, yes, I will be here tomorrow.
CONNIE: I’ll see you tomorrow, then.
Connie leaves. Chuck watches her go. At first he’s smiling, but the smile fades.
CHUCK: Oh, crap. Did I just make a date?
BARTENDER: Sorta. Not really, though.
CHUCK: I’m a married man! I can’t date other women!
BARTENDER: So don’t show up tomorrow.
CHUCK: You aren’t much of a businessman, are you?
BARTENDER: Hey, I don’t own the place. I just work here.
Scene 14
The next day. Crane and Cylash are sitting across from Connie at Connie’s office.
CONNIE: Good morning, Mrs. Saltlickington-Stanton.
CYLASH: Good morning. This is my lover, Dr. Crane Sextopoulos.
CRANE: Hello.
Connie is a little stunned. After a brief pause, she shakes her head and goes on.
CONNIE: What can I do for you this morning?
CRANE: We’re here to see how your investigation is going.
CONNIE: Well, my investigation isn’t even 24 hours old, so I haven’t exhausted all leads yet.
CYLASH: So you have nothing at all?
CONNIE: I watched him closely last night. He didn’t have sex with anyone. I have his phone tapped, too, and he hasn’t been in contact with any strange women. In fact, he didn’t make or receive any phone calls last night.
CRANE: Listen, Ms. Stellation, we’re paying you…
CYLASH: I’m paying her.
CRANE: Cylash is paying you good money to catch this man in his wickedness, and you’re telling me that you’ve failed?
CONNIE: I just took the case yesterday afternoon. These things can take time.
CRANE: Time and our money.
CYLASH: My money.
CRANE: Cylash’s money.
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Hyper Shoe
A red high-heel shoe has always been hyperferrianism's avatar