Quotes

I spend most of my time on the Internet at a message board called "The Mo-Board". As a group, we have known each other since about 2001. Here is a list of some of the things I have said that tickle me (Those of you who know me in real life may not recognize this side of my personality):

"People who talk too loud are as bad as Hitler."


"I saw a girl at school wearing a chef's had today, and this poem leapt fully-formed into my mind:

I wish I had a chef's hat.
I'd wear it everyday.
No one could disuade me
Even if they called me gay.

"There's nothing wrong with homos,"
I'd say with indignation.
If you don't believe me,
Just check with the fire station.

Poems are not my strong point
As you can plainly see.
But I'd rather write a bad poem
Than get stung by a bee."


"I sprinkle ground coffee beans on top of my hot chocolate every morning, and I spike my non-alcoholic beer with heroin."


"Tojo's a gay dog. He tried to hump my arm the other day, and my arm is a boy."


"My wife and her sister went up to Calgary to watch a horse-jumping competition. (That's horses jumping over obstacles, not people jumping over horses.)"


"You couldn't commit regicide if the King was lying drunk at your feet and you had an automatic king-slayer machine pistol."


"I hate random, arbitrary superstitions. Here, I'll make one up, and then we can all enforce it on our friends and family:
If you blow your nose with toilet paper on Valentine's Day, the leader of your country will die in a cotton candy related accident.
Spread the word! This is not superstition, it is cold hard FACT! Only a month and a half until Valentine's Day, so hurry! For the love of Stephen Harper, hurry!"


"If fat guys aren't funny, they're nothing!"


"Why does spirit-uplifting music always have to suck?"


"I had a headache, too, until I took some Extra Strength Tylenol.
Yes, Extra Strength Tylenol. Prescribed by more physicians than Advil, Aspirin, and the Pope combined. Taking your headache from a pod of blue whales to a single sperm."


"the board mom and board dad don't have to be married to each other. That's like saying the founding fathers of America were gay lovers."


This is in response to someone saying that the church indoctrinates its members from childhood to hate homosexuals:
"Okay, it's true. We admit it. The jig is up. Sunday School isn't for teaching about the scriptures and LDS doctrine. Rather, it's nothing but an antigay class every week, starting when we're 18 months old in nursery all the way until we die. Here are some examples of lesson titles:
Heavenly Father Hates Fags
Disowning Your Children: How To Properly Destroy Your Queer Child's Self-Worth
Outer Darkness: Reserved For Sons Of Perdition And Homofaggots
Masturbation Is The Gateway To Boys Sucking Cock
Verbal Abuse: The Cure To Gaymosexuality"


"I always use the bathroom in the dark, whether it be for urinating, excreting solid (or in my case, liquid) waste, or bathing. It is wrong to gaze upon nudity, especially your own nudity. Looking at your own nude body is masturbatory pornography."