Chick Mix III

In 2002, Mike Mix Productions compiled 13 songs by female artists (including a Weezer song with Rachel Haden as the special guest vocalist).  Much to the chagrin of Jillian Yawney, friend of MiKenzie Inc.'s founder, the compilation was given the progressive title "Chick Mix."  Just a year later, Chick Mix II hit the shelves.  Apparently, it took Mike Mix Productions seven more years to accumulate enough quality female music to compile the third installment in the Chick Mix series.  I suppose we should be grateful that they didn't just throw any old crap on there, like Lady Gaga or Ke$sha.  Anyone remember Kylie Minogue and Shania Twain providing filler on Chick Mix II?  Or how about the weird no-name indie crap recommended by Chazz Lowman Studios?

Anyway, here are my thoughts on Chick Mix III.  The song titles are linked to videos for the songs.

Turn Into by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
This is probably the most mainstream song ever recommended by MiKenzie Inc.s' cousin company, Chazz Lowman Studios.  One of Yeah Yeah Yeahs more melodic songs.  A nice, softish intro to the album.

Hard Line by Jill Barber
Who?  Good song, though.

The Freest Man by Tilly and the Wall
The name of the album this is from is called "Bottoms of Barrels," which is fitting, because Mike Mix is really scraping the bottom of Chazz Lowman's indie barrel looking for music to add to Chick Mix.  For the five or six people who have actually heard of Tilly and the Wall, you know that they're known for using a tap dancer as percussion.  So, of course, Mike Mix chose a Tilly and the Wall song that doesn't prominently feature any tap dancing.  I think there might be a little bit in there.  Well, at least they didn't use one of the songs that the dude in the band sings.

Encircle Me by Tegan and Sarah
I like Tegan and Sarah because they're musicians from Alberta who have made a decent living for themselves without being country stars, classic rock tribute bands, or Nickelback.  The song "Encircle Me" was most likely chosen by Mike Mix Productions because Matt Sharp, former base player for Weezer and lead man for The Rentals, had a hand in producing this song.  This is evident from the Moog synthesizer prominently used in the song.


Nothing & Nowhere by Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
Emily Haines is the lead singer of Metric, which has featured prominently in Mike Mixes in the last few years.  This is from her solo album, which takes Emily's hauntingly beautiful voice and soulful lyrics and strips away all of the happiness and fun, upbeat sounds of Metric.


Lucky Me by Sarah Slean
Ah, Sarah Slean.  The poor man's Sarah McLachlan.  If Sarah McLachlan was quirky, that is.  (She's not.)  You know, now that I think about it, their music sounds nothing alike.  I think I make a connection between the two because they're both artsy female Canadian solo musicians named Sarah.  By the way, I'm talking about Fumbling Towards Ecstasy Sarah McLachlan, not Afterglow Sarah McLachlan.  And look at that!  I just spent my review of Sarah Slean talking mostly about Sarah McLachlan.  I rock!

Run Baby Run by Garbage
Garbage (the band) was huge in the late '90s, especially their album 2.0.  Heck, I even heard one of their songs while I was in the Philippines, and they hate good music in the Philippines!  "I Think I'm Paranoid" was included in the video game Rock Band.  Huge in the '90s!  And so Mike Mix used a song from their 2006 album "Bleed Like Me."  Why not use a song from 2.0?  True, you included "Queer" on the original Chick Mix, but that wasn't from 2.0.  Weird.

For What It's Worth by The Cardigans
Remember the modern remake of Romeo & Juliet from 1996 starring young Leonardo Decaprio and Claire Danes?  Remember the song "Love Fool" from the soundtrack that was a huge hit by a band that no one had heard of before or heard of since?  Yeah, apparently they make good music, too.  Who knew?  I once heard a rumor that The Cardigans hate Love Fool and refuse to play it at their concerts.

Saving My Face by KT Tunstall
I once asked the VP of Music Acquisition for Mike Mix Productions how he found all of the music he uses.  I figured he would have mentioned some hip online site, or maybe iTunes.  His answer?  "I go to CD stores like HMV or Music World and listen to the CDs they have at their listening stations.  If I likes it, I buys it."  KT Tunstall is a Music World discovery.

Quand Je R'garde by Les Cowboys Fringants
Yeah, that's right.  There's French on this one.  Les Cowboys Fringants normally have a male lead singer, but for this song, the woman (or chick) in the band sang lead vocals.  If my high school French isn't malfunctioning, the title translates to "When I see."  As for the rest of the song, she's singing way too fast for me to know what she's saying.  I think I heard something about the sun in there.

Follow Me Down by Ladies of the Canyon
One would not use the words "country music fan" to describe me.  I'm all about the alternative rock.  There are, however, exceptions.  Usually, if I listen to country music, it's alt country, like The Be Good Tanyas, or my cousin Mark Everett's stuff.  "Follow Me Down" flirts with the line between alt country and mainstream country.  I like it anyway.  Nice harmony.

Past In Present by Feist
When Feist is good, she's great.  When she's not good, she's dreadfully boring.  "Past In Present" is one of the great ones.  I just wish there was a video to go with this song that showed her dancing.  She's a terrible dancer, and I love it.


A Thousand Tiny Pieces by The Be Good Tanyas
Yeah, this is more like it.  Alt country!  I love this song.  What can I say?  I'm a sucker for all female harmony.  Thanks Mike Mix!

Help I'm Alive by Metric
So Emily Haines makes another appearance, but this time with the rest of Metric, so I guess it can be forgiven.  Mike Mix must have had a hard time deciding which Metric song to use, because they acquired four Metric albums since the last Chick Mix.  I was kind of hoping for Hustle Rose or Rock Me Now, but Help I'm Alive is good, too.

And there you have it!  See you in 2017, Chick Mix IV!

Where I've Been and Where I'll Be

You may have noticed that I have been absent from the blog for some time now.  You were probably thinking that I was having some sort of time-traveling adventure, or that I'd finally been captured by a SATAN.  The truth is nothing so grand.  I've been too busy writing a novel to spend much time blogging.  It's a very original novel about a man with super powers.  Maybe I'll call it Superbman, or something.

Conniving Souls

I found a missing flash drive, and on that flash drive were the next three and a half scenes of Conniving Souls.  Enjoy.

Scene 11

Chuck walks into a pub.  He sits at the bar.  The bartender comes up to him.

BARTENDER: What can I get ya?

CHUCK: I’ll have a rum-and-Coke on the rocks; hold the rum, and no ice.

BARTENDER: Comin’ right up.

The bartender pours a can of Coke into a glass and sets it down in front of Chuck.

CHUCK: Thanks.  I need some of the hard stuff tonight.  (He empties the glass and grimaces as if it were a shot of whiskey.)  Hoo-ee!  Keep ‘em comin’!

As the bartender pours Chuck another Coke, Connie enters the tavern and sits down at a table on the other side of the room where she can watch Chuck.

CHUCK: Are you married?

BARTENDER: Nope.

CHUCK: Lucky guy.  Women are nothing but trouble.

Connie perks up, hoping Chuck is on the verge of saying something damning.

BARTENDER: Trouble at home?

CHUCK: I haven’t slept in the same room as my wife in a month.  She’s always mad at me, and I don’t know why.

BARTENDER: Maybe she’s mad that you aren’t sleeping in the same room as she is.

Connie sits back and listens.

Two hours later.

Chuck is still drinking his Cokes.  The bartender has moved on to serve other patrons, and Chuck is just drinking and watching TV.

CONNIE: (under her breath) This is getting nowhere.  If he were meeting someone, she’d be here by now.

Connie stands up.  She takes off her hoody, revealing a nice shirt, flattering to her figure without being skanky.  She approaches the bar and sits down next to Chuck.

CONNIE: Is this seat taken?

CHUCK: No.  Be my guest.

The bartender comes over.

BARTENDER: What can I get you?

CONNIE: Do you have any carrots?

BARTENDER: Carrots?

CONNIE: Yes.

BARTENDER: Yeah.  We serve them with chicken wings.  I’ll go in the back and grab you a plate.  You want any ranch dip with them?

CONNIE: No, thanks.  Just the carrots.

Bartender exits.

CONNIE: What’s your name?

CHUCK: Chuck Stanton.  You?

CONNIE: Connie Stellation.  It’s a pleasure to meet you, Chuck.

CHUCK: You, too.

They shake hands.

CONNIE: Are you here alone?

CHUCK: Yeah.  I’m on my own tonight.  Again.

CONNIE: You aren’t waiting for anyone?

CHUCK: No.  Who would I be waiting for?

CONNIE: Oh, I don’t know.  A girlfriend, maybe.

CHUCK: I don’t have a girlfriend.

CONNIE: No?  A nice looking man like you?

CHUCK: I’m married.

CONNIE: Where’s your wife this evening?

Chuck shrugs.

CHUCK: We had a fight, and she ran out.  She’s probably staying with a friend.

CONNIE: I’m sorry.

CHUCK: Don’t worry about it.  What about you?  What are you up to this evening?

Bartender returns and sets a plate of carrots in front of Connie.  She picks one up and takes a bite.

CONNIE: I’m not really up to anything.  I was just in the neighborhood, and I got a carrot craving.  (She takes another bite.)

CHUCK: We all have our vices.  (Holds up his glass of Coke to illustrate his vice.)  At least I’m not a smoker.

Pause.

CONNIE: You seem like a nice guy, Chuck.

CHUCK: Thanks.

Scene 12

Cylash knocks on Crane’s door.  He answers it.

CYLASH: (seductively) Hi, baby.

CRANE: Hey, love-bucket.

They embrace, closing the door behind them.

CYLASH: I brought us something to get us in the mood.

CRANE: (excited) Oh yeah?

Cylash holds up some comic books with sexy female super heroes on them.

CRANE: (not excited anymore) Oh.


Scene 13

Connie and Chuck at the bar.  They’re laughing.

CHUCK: And the next thing I know, I’m the CEO.  Tobacco disgusts me!

They laugh again.

CONNIE: (checks her watch) It’s late.  I should get going.  It’s been fun, though.

CHUCK: Yeah, it has.  Thanks for cheering me up.

CONNIE: (standing up) Do you come here often?

CHUCK: Say, aren’t you supposed to use pick-up lines to start the conversation?

CONNIE: Of course, how silly of me.  I guess I had one too many carrots.

CHUCK: As a matter of fact, yes, I do come here often.

CONNIE: Will you be here tomorrow?

CHUCK: Only if my wife storms out on me again.  So, yes, I will be here tomorrow.

CONNIE: I’ll see you tomorrow, then.

Connie leaves.  Chuck watches her go.  At first he’s smiling, but the smile fades.

CHUCK: Oh, crap.  Did I just make a date?

BARTENDER: Sorta.  Not really, though.

CHUCK: I’m a married man!  I can’t date other women!

BARTENDER: So don’t show up tomorrow.

CHUCK: You aren’t much of a businessman, are you?

BARTENDER: Hey, I don’t own the place.  I just work here.

Scene 14

The next day.  Crane and Cylash are sitting across from Connie at Connie’s office.

CONNIE: Good morning, Mrs. Saltlickington-Stanton.

CYLASH: Good morning.  This is my lover, Dr. Crane Sextopoulos.

CRANE: Hello.

Connie is a little stunned.  After a brief pause, she shakes her head and goes on.

CONNIE: What can I do for you this morning?

CRANE: We’re here to see how your investigation is going.

CONNIE: Well, my investigation isn’t even 24 hours old, so I haven’t exhausted all leads yet.

CYLASH: So you have nothing at all?

CONNIE: I watched him closely last night.  He didn’t have sex with anyone.  I have his phone tapped, too, and he hasn’t been in contact with any strange women.  In fact, he didn’t make or receive any phone calls last night.

CRANE: Listen, Ms. Stellation, we’re paying you…

CYLASH: I’m paying her.

CRANE: Cylash is paying you good money to catch this man in his wickedness, and you’re telling me that you’ve failed?

CONNIE: I just took the case yesterday afternoon.  These things can take time.

CRANE: Time and our money.

CYLASH: My money.

CRANE: Cylash’s money.

Lawrence L'Amour

I found a scribbler in the glove compartment of my car from my days working in the motel industry.  It was full of gems, some that I had been wondering where they'd gotten to, some that I had completely forgotten about.  One of the forgotten ones was this amazing story:

"Who's that loser?"

"Who?  Jimmy?"

"No, that guys."  Carlos pointed at a tall, overweight man dressed in a red toga and wearing a tattered heart-shaped foam hat twice the size of his considerable head.

"Oh, him," Janice said.  "He calls himself Lawrence L'Amour.  He's harmless."

Lawrence pranced across the street and pulled Carlos and Janice into a flabby embrace that smelled like pizza and roses.

"I am love!" Lawrence announced in a grotesque falsetto.  He slapped felt hearts onto their chests.  "Young love blooms again!"  He turned and tip-toed down the sidewalk.

Carlos took the heart off of his chest and dropped it in the gutter.  "Anyway," he said.  "I'll see you later, sis.  Tell Mom I'll be home for supper."

Lawrence saw two young men talking on a corner.  He fluttered towards them and enfolded them in his arms.  "Fear not, young fancy lads," he twittered.  "Love knows no boundaries!  You don't need the government to acknowledge your love as legitimate!"

"Dude," one of the young men said.  "Are you calling us queer?"

"I have special hearts for you!"  Lawrence bestowed rainbow-coloured hearts on the boys and twirled away.  A chihuahua crossed his path, and he scooped it up, holding it high.

"Happy Valentine's Day, little puppy-dog!" he crooned.  "I wuv you!  Yes I do!"  He kissed the dog's nose and danced down the street.

"Put some clothes on, you hippy!" an old man called from a bus stop.  His wife sat beside him.

Lawrence pressed his hands together above his heart as he gazed upon the elderly couple.  "Squeee!" he squeed.  "True love conquers all and lasts until the end of life!  Tell me, ancient one, how long have -- OOF!"

Lawrence L'Amour doubled over as the meaty fist drove into his gut.  His hat fell to the curb and was stomped on by a dirty worn work boot.

"Shut yer wang hole!" the newcomer said.

Lawrence shrieked at the sight of his ruined hat.  "My Chapeau De L'Amour!" he screamed.  He looked up and saw the scarred, bristly face of his adversary.

"I'm sicka you and everting youse stands fer," Raging Randolph said.  He pulled out a pistol and shot Lawrence L'Amour in the throat.

And that's the story of the first Valentine's Day.



I friggin' love this story.  I laughed out loud at the last sentence both when I originally wrote it and when I reread it last night.

Le Chapeau De L'Amour is, of course, a blatant rip-off of Bob The Angry Flower.

 (Image taken from Bob The Angry Flower)

You Only THINK it's Been Three Weeks!

I know what you're thinking.  "Hyper," you're thinking, "why have you gone nearly three weeks without updating your blog?  And how is it that you're reading my mind."  The answer should be obvious, even to your feeble 21st century minds.  If you're at all familiar with my history -- and, being a follower of my blog, you should be -- you'll know that I have a time machine.  The day after reviewing Mike Mix 2010, I traveled back to medieval times to lead the noble Asul Army against the dreaded nation of Pula.  I was, of course, victorious, having been taught in the ways of traditional warfare by Sir Headolence.

This image is a screenshot from my time machine's monitor as I hovered above the army giving commands and occasionally sending down a blast of laser fire.

"But!" you're self-satisfiedly thinking now.  "Why didn't you just come back to the time immediately after you left for the past so as not to let your blog fall into inactivity!"  Again, the answer is simple: Space and Time Assassin Ninjas, or SATANs.  They were going to attack me during the last couple of weeks, so I came back after they were dead.  See, once a SATAN is fully trained, he or she only lives for two weeks.  The cyborg body can only take so much anti-matter in the blood before imploding.

So that's why it has been nearly three weeks since my last blog post.

Mike Mix 2010: a CD Review

I'm trying something new today.  Back when this blog was unfunny (before May 2010), I would occasionaly review movies.  I'm pretty sure I never reviewed an album, though.  I acquired a new CD yesterday.  Yes, I still buy CDs, even though I have an iPod.  Mp3 players are the worst thing ever in the history of music.

So, anyway, the CD I got yesterday was Mike Mix 2010.  This is the 15th year that MiKenzie Incorporated's Mike Mix Productions has released one of these compilation albums.  For a stretch of years in the last decade, this tired franchise released two Mike Mixes a year.  Thankfully, that trend has stopped, and the big wigs in MiKenzie's corporate offices have restrained themselves to one compilation per year.  Since the songs are by various artists, I will review each song separately:

Track 1:  "Can't Stop Partying" by Weezer
It's no secret that Weezer is my favourite band.  "Can't Stop Partying", which was earlier featured as a melancholy acoustic demo on Rivers Cuomo's solo album Alone II, has two honors: the first Weezer song to feature the dreaded F-word, and the first Weezer song to have a rapper breakdown midsong by the immortal Lil Wayne.  It's also driven by a techno beat, which is quite the departure for these alternative rock veterans who inspired countless hordes of geeky alternative rock bands.

Track 2: "Hysteria" by Muse
Interesting choice by Mike Mix Productions.  Not because it's a bad song (it kicks serious arse), but because it's seven years old, and Mike Mix 2003 Volume II contained "Stockholm Syndrome" from the same album.  Paragraph 11 Section iii(a) reads: "no Mike Mix compilation may contain a song from a source album that has previously been featured on a past Mike Mix compilation."  You're breaking the rules, MiKenzie Incorporated!  For shame!

Track 3: "Wasteland" by Inward Eye
The debut of Inward Eye on a Mike Mix.  Has anyone even heard of this band?  If you listened to alternative rock radio stations a year-and-a-half ago, you might have heard their single "Shame."  Maybe.

Track 4: "Gimme Sympathy" by Metric
This song is sung by a woman.  A Woman!  With ovaries and everything.  Shameful!

Track 5: "Laces Out" by Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker
Considering how famous they are, as far as Canadian alt rock bands go, I can't find anyone else besides me who has ever heard of USS.  Don't be fooled by the first few seconds of this track: it is not by House of Pain or Cypress Hill.

Track 6: "Turn Your Back" by Billy Talent
Billy Talent peeked with their debut single "Try Honesty" in 2003.  This doesn't stop MiKenzie Inc. from using their lesser tracks for their Mike Mixes.  Speaking of washed-up Canadian alternative rock bands:

Track 7: "Monkey Brains" by Our Lady Peace. 
The king Canadian alt rock bands that should just retire.  Did anyone buy Burn, Burn, Burn?  Of course not; nobody buys albums these days.  Except for me.

Track 8: "Peacemaker" by Green Day
Really?  Green Day?  They're the most pretentious rock band of the last decade.  They're even more pretentious than U2.  U-freaking-2!  Yes, George W. Bush wasn't a great president.  Get over it.  Also, you're old farts who still want to be teenagers.

Track 9: "Tesselate" by Tokyo Police Club
From MiKenzie's official blog: "This was supposed to be on Mike Mix 2009, but we forgot."  Well done, gentlemen.  Also

tes·sel·late /v. ˈtɛsəˌleɪt; adj. ˈtɛsəlɪt, -ˌleɪt/ Show Spelled [v. tes-uh-leyt; adj. tes-uh-lit, -leyt]  -lat·ed, -lat·ing, adjective

–verb (used with object)

1. to form of small squares or blocks, as floors or pavements; form or arrange in a checkered or mosaic pattern.

Track 10: "Uprising" by Muse

What's this?  Another Muse song?  At first, I was going to attack MiKenzie Inc. for another broken rule, but upon further reviews of the Mike Mix Productions bylaws, I saw this ammendement:  "34.iv(c) a Mike Mix compilation may not have more than one song per artist/band.  Ammendement: (2006.5.22) 34.iv(c) notwithstanding, if MiKenzie Incorporated acquires two separate albums by the same source artist/band, one song from each album may be used."  So, apparently, it took MiKenzie seven years to acquire Absolution.

Track 11: "Substitution" by Silversun Pickups

One of those bands that people have only heard of because of Rock Band II.

Track 12: "Soldier On" by The Temper Trap

This song takes the album, which has been fairly high tempo until this point, and brings it to a screeching, falsetto halt.  Why didn't MiKenzie used the one Temper Trap song that people might have heard?  That song, of course, is "Sweet Disposition," which was featured in the film 500 Days of Summer.

Track 13: "In One Ear" by Cage The Elephant

Cage The Elephant sucks.  From MiKenzie Inc.'s official blog: "We liked Cage the Elephant when we briefly sampled it, but decided that they sucked after listening to the album in full.  We needed some filler, so we stuck on the song that had the foulest language."

Track 14: "The Funeral" by Band of Horses

Another slow one, but a gooder.  I discovered this song in a freestyle BMXing video online, of all places.  Interesting juxtaposition.

Track 15: "Hollow Point Sniper Hyperbole" by Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

Oh, come on MiKenzie!  Another one snuck in under the rule 34.iv(c) ammendement.  You're just effing with us now!  But the song does get bonus points for the brief cover of an old Newfoundland fishing ditty.

Track 16: "Empty's Theme Park" by Matthew Good

A slow, melancholy marathon by Matt Good finishes of Mike Mix 2010.  If you're depressed and in your 30s or early 40s and grew up in Vancouver, you'll love it!

And that's it.  Yes, that's right: there are only 16 tracks instead of the regular 18 that MiKenzie provides.  This franchise is running out of the steam and should be retired.  Either that, or come out with a Mike Mix every two years instead of once a year.

Bobby and the Dentist

Okay, before you read Bobby and the Dentist, you have to read Carrie's Punishment first.  Carrie's Punishment, as you all know, was written in 2001 by the talented writer, ashbucket2000.  It's a harrowing story about the consequences of our choices, filled with subtlety and intricate characterization.  I present it to you for your benefit, completely unedited and with the original formatting:

MOM!! PLEASE LET ME GO!!!!! said,Carrie

CARRIE! you know i dont approve of those kinda parties. said Carrie's mother

PLEASE!!! MOM..IM 16 years old.. And every one is gonna be there..I heard its gonna be the biggest party of the YEAR!!!!!!

Your right Carrie you are 16 years of age... said carrie's mom.

BUT MOM!!!I can take on responsability... said Carrie..

OK..THEN!!! CARRIE... I will let you go to this party!!!But you gotta tell me where this party is.. AND YOU WILL!!!I REPEAT..WILL BE HOME BY..AT LEAST 12:30..

OH THANK YOU MOM!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

The Nite of the Party Carrie was so excited.. For..Once in my life..some one at this party will actually think im Cool..Besides Latoya and Luara.. Maybe i can make more friends..and have a major improvment on my social life..She said to her self... So Carrie Got her things and hurried down stairs..

WELL!!!mom..What do you think.. said, carrie

Honey..You look like an angel.. MY little angel.. said,Carrie's MOM.. Remember NO DRINKING..NO DRUGS AND DONT LETS BOYS TAKE advantage of you..and when..

MOM!! I know...said Carrie,Interupting..

So you will be home by 12:30 at the latest and Ive got where the address to where this party is.. said,carrie's Mother..

YES! mom... I LOVE YOU!!! said, carrie

Ok sweety have a good time.. said her mother.. Carrie,gave her mother a kiss,said i love you.. walked out to the car..started it up...backed out of the drive way.. and headed on to the party... When,Carrie got there....She met up with a couple of her friends.. Latoya and Luara..

HEY GIRL!!!SUP!!!said,Luara

Hey said,Latoya, This Party is Slammin!!!

Hey wanna beer.. said,Luara..

NAHH..I better not.. said,carrie..

Aight thats cool Said,Luara.. any way come dance with me.. the girls began to dance and have a good time... Later on that nite..Carrie Bumped into some popular girls..

HEY carrie... said one of the girls..

Sup!! said, Carrie..

Having Fun,carrie

Yeah this party is Great.. said,carrie..

It would be much more fun if you have a beer and Relax.. said one of the girls..

No! i better not.My mom...

DO YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU TO!!! no wonder your social life is..CRAP!!! Said one of the girls..

NO!! I DONT ALWAYS!!! do what my mom tells me to.. Just to prove to you..I will have a BEER. said carrie.. Well maybe just one carrie thought to her self.. That first beer turned into two,three and four..until Carrie lost count. and lost track of time.. OH rap!!! as she looked at a near by clock on the wall..IT was nearly 1:55 A.M. luckly here comes Carrie's friends..

CARRIE..HEY GIRL..Can we get a ride.. said,Luara Our rides are like passed out some where and we cant find their sorry asses any where

Sure said carrie.. so the three girls staggered to the car drunk off their asses.. Luara got in the front seat..Turned on the music.after Carrie had started the car...

OH!!!YEAH!! Turn this bad boy UP!!! said, luara.

Carrie backed out onto the highway.. and down the road the three girls went.. THE CD PLYER BLASTIN..All three them drunk and carrying on..singing to the music they had on and talkin loud.. Non of them payed attention to the speed Or the Road.. Befor she new it she was speeding 85mph in a 55mph speed zone.. And yet befor she knew it..Only thing she remembers last is.. The screamimg of her two friends..her self screaming...the squeeling tires..broken glass..The head lights of the other Car..and every thing went black.. Next thing she knows she is waking up in intensive care to a docter and a nurse chatting away..at first she could not make out what they were saying..

Docter did the other two girls make it.. said, the nurse

The other two girls are intensive care...Im not sure if they are gonna make it.. Said,the Docter..

what about this girl..I do believe her name is carrie.... said the Nurse.

Im not sure if she is gonna make it..if she does..she will be paraized for the rest of her life.. Said,the Docter..

and DOCTER..what about the other driver did they make it...

No..Said, the Docter

HOW.IS THIS YOUNG GIRL GONNA..PAY FOR ALL THE DAMAGE SHE HAS DONE!!! said,Nurse

Dont worry..She will pay... said, the docter

HOW? said the nurse..

Well you know the driver in the othe car... said the docter

YES.. said the nurse

Well.. The other Driver was carrie's MOTHER 









That long empty space at the end was part of the original story; I didn't just add it on for fun.  So, anyway, a couple of years later, I was trying to overcome a problem with one of my stories.  I wanted someone to fake his death by killing someone else and mutilating the body so people would think it was him.  I was trying to think of a way that the dental records would be no help in identifying the corpse.  My roommate, Stephen, said, "Maybe he had really bad gingivitis."  I immediately started laughing.  When I could speak again, I said, "That's the worst case of gingivitis I've ever seen!  All of those teeth will have to go!"  Within hours, I had completed Bobby and the Dentist.  The reason I made you read ashbucket2000's masterpiece first is because the style in which I wrote BATD was inspired by Carrie's Punishment.  So here, for your reading pleasure, is Bobby and the Dentist:
 

"That's the worst case of gingivitis I've ever seen! All of those teeth will have to go."

"All of them, doctor?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

Bobby covered his mouth and shook his head.

"Come, now, Bobby," the dentist said. "You have no one to blame...but YOURSELF! It's what you get for not brushing properly. Now you must PAY."

"BUT," Bobby said, "I love my teeth. I use them...to EAT!"

"You should have thought of that before." The dentist set out his instruments on a tray. "Now you can wear dentures...like an OLD MAN!"

Bobby started to cry. Why didn't I listen to Mom? he thought. She always told me to brush everyday, but I neglected to do so. Now she's DEAD, and I'm about to lose all of my teeth.

"You'll get no sympathy from me," the dentist said. "Nurse! Prep this patient."

A woman came over to join them. "I believe I'm called a dental hygienist, not a nurse," she said as she pulled on a pair of rubber gloves.

"Whatever," the dentist said.

The woman put one of those paper bib things on Bobby. "Please," Bobby whimpered. "I'm only 19. Let me keep my teeth."

"STOP BLUBBERING!" the hygienist said. She turned the light on over Bobby's face. It blinded him!

Bobby clamped his hands over his mouth. He refused to let them pull his teeth.

"Don't make this harder than it needs to be," the dentist said. "Move your hands and open your mouth."

"MM-MM!" Bobby said and shook his head.

The dentist sighed.

The dental hygienist looked frightened.

"I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this," the dentist said. "But you leave me NO CHOICE!" He turned and yelled, "Escobar! Your services are required!"

The hygienist screamed and fled the room.

A large hispanic man walked to the side of the reclined dental chair opposite the dentist. Bobby quivered at the sight of him.

The dentist nodded once.

Escobar reached down and broke three of Bobby's fingers.

Bobby howled in pain and craddled his injured hand against his chest.

"NOW!" the dentist said. "Hold his MOUTH open!"

Escobar's powerful hands held Bobby's mouth open as the dentist injected it with large quantities of novacain.

"I wanted to do this the easy way," the dentist said, "but you've forced me to do it the not-easy way, Bobby."

The dentist grabbed a tool from his tray and held it up for Bobby to see. It was a rusty pair of pliers, not a dentist's tool at all.

"Don't tell anyone about this, Bobby," the dentist said. "Escobar knows where you live."

The pliers moved closer to Bobby's face. As they did, Bobby realized that they weren't rusty after all. That reddish-brown stuff wasn't rust.

It was dried blood...