It's a Miracle (alt. title: "It's Hamtastic!")

Yesterday, before coming to work, I was making lunch for me and my wife.  Our entree of choice was ham steaks.  I simply fried them.  Is there any other way to prepare ham steaks?  I don't really think there is.  You cook hams in the oven, but ham steaks should be fried.  So anyway, I fried them up and dished them out.  I suppose you could microwave one if you want.  They're pre-cooked.  But I think that would suck in all sorts of ways, and the fat deposits inside might explode.  Hey, exploding ham sounds like it'd be cool.  (Mental note: explode some ham.)

I looked down at my ham steak, and much to my surprise, it looked back up at me.

Now, I'm not one to overreact, so when I saw this happy little fellow waiting on my plate next to my rice and some honey mustard, I screamed.  I screamed for a good solid ten minutes.  Where had this mad man come from, and why was he looking at me with that creepy grin?  Eventually, I passed out.

When I came to, I realized something.  Only three people appear in objects that shouldn't have faces: Jesus, Mary, and Satan.  My ham didn't have a beard, so that ruled out Jesus.  That left either Mary, which means Catholicism is probably true, or the devil, which means Judaism is probably true.  Think about that one.  If Satan appears grinning on a ham steak, that means he approves of consuming ham steaks.  Therefore, eating ham steaks is a sin.  So the reason I'm posting this is to announce my conversion to Judaism.

Although, I suppose it might be Jesus after He shaved.

Chick Mix III

In 2002, Mike Mix Productions compiled 13 songs by female artists (including a Weezer song with Rachel Haden as the special guest vocalist).  Much to the chagrin of Jillian Yawney, friend of MiKenzie Inc.'s founder, the compilation was given the progressive title "Chick Mix."  Just a year later, Chick Mix II hit the shelves.  Apparently, it took Mike Mix Productions seven more years to accumulate enough quality female music to compile the third installment in the Chick Mix series.  I suppose we should be grateful that they didn't just throw any old crap on there, like Lady Gaga or Ke$sha.  Anyone remember Kylie Minogue and Shania Twain providing filler on Chick Mix II?  Or how about the weird no-name indie crap recommended by Chazz Lowman Studios?

Anyway, here are my thoughts on Chick Mix III.  The song titles are linked to videos for the songs.

Turn Into by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
This is probably the most mainstream song ever recommended by MiKenzie Inc.s' cousin company, Chazz Lowman Studios.  One of Yeah Yeah Yeahs more melodic songs.  A nice, softish intro to the album.

Hard Line by Jill Barber
Who?  Good song, though.

The Freest Man by Tilly and the Wall
The name of the album this is from is called "Bottoms of Barrels," which is fitting, because Mike Mix is really scraping the bottom of Chazz Lowman's indie barrel looking for music to add to Chick Mix.  For the five or six people who have actually heard of Tilly and the Wall, you know that they're known for using a tap dancer as percussion.  So, of course, Mike Mix chose a Tilly and the Wall song that doesn't prominently feature any tap dancing.  I think there might be a little bit in there.  Well, at least they didn't use one of the songs that the dude in the band sings.

Encircle Me by Tegan and Sarah
I like Tegan and Sarah because they're musicians from Alberta who have made a decent living for themselves without being country stars, classic rock tribute bands, or Nickelback.  The song "Encircle Me" was most likely chosen by Mike Mix Productions because Matt Sharp, former base player for Weezer and lead man for The Rentals, had a hand in producing this song.  This is evident from the Moog synthesizer prominently used in the song.


Nothing & Nowhere by Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
Emily Haines is the lead singer of Metric, which has featured prominently in Mike Mixes in the last few years.  This is from her solo album, which takes Emily's hauntingly beautiful voice and soulful lyrics and strips away all of the happiness and fun, upbeat sounds of Metric.


Lucky Me by Sarah Slean
Ah, Sarah Slean.  The poor man's Sarah McLachlan.  If Sarah McLachlan was quirky, that is.  (She's not.)  You know, now that I think about it, their music sounds nothing alike.  I think I make a connection between the two because they're both artsy female Canadian solo musicians named Sarah.  By the way, I'm talking about Fumbling Towards Ecstasy Sarah McLachlan, not Afterglow Sarah McLachlan.  And look at that!  I just spent my review of Sarah Slean talking mostly about Sarah McLachlan.  I rock!

Run Baby Run by Garbage
Garbage (the band) was huge in the late '90s, especially their album 2.0.  Heck, I even heard one of their songs while I was in the Philippines, and they hate good music in the Philippines!  "I Think I'm Paranoid" was included in the video game Rock Band.  Huge in the '90s!  And so Mike Mix used a song from their 2006 album "Bleed Like Me."  Why not use a song from 2.0?  True, you included "Queer" on the original Chick Mix, but that wasn't from 2.0.  Weird.

For What It's Worth by The Cardigans
Remember the modern remake of Romeo & Juliet from 1996 starring young Leonardo Decaprio and Claire Danes?  Remember the song "Love Fool" from the soundtrack that was a huge hit by a band that no one had heard of before or heard of since?  Yeah, apparently they make good music, too.  Who knew?  I once heard a rumor that The Cardigans hate Love Fool and refuse to play it at their concerts.

Saving My Face by KT Tunstall
I once asked the VP of Music Acquisition for Mike Mix Productions how he found all of the music he uses.  I figured he would have mentioned some hip online site, or maybe iTunes.  His answer?  "I go to CD stores like HMV or Music World and listen to the CDs they have at their listening stations.  If I likes it, I buys it."  KT Tunstall is a Music World discovery.

Quand Je R'garde by Les Cowboys Fringants
Yeah, that's right.  There's French on this one.  Les Cowboys Fringants normally have a male lead singer, but for this song, the woman (or chick) in the band sang lead vocals.  If my high school French isn't malfunctioning, the title translates to "When I see."  As for the rest of the song, she's singing way too fast for me to know what she's saying.  I think I heard something about the sun in there.

Follow Me Down by Ladies of the Canyon
One would not use the words "country music fan" to describe me.  I'm all about the alternative rock.  There are, however, exceptions.  Usually, if I listen to country music, it's alt country, like The Be Good Tanyas, or my cousin Mark Everett's stuff.  "Follow Me Down" flirts with the line between alt country and mainstream country.  I like it anyway.  Nice harmony.

Past In Present by Feist
When Feist is good, she's great.  When she's not good, she's dreadfully boring.  "Past In Present" is one of the great ones.  I just wish there was a video to go with this song that showed her dancing.  She's a terrible dancer, and I love it.


A Thousand Tiny Pieces by The Be Good Tanyas
Yeah, this is more like it.  Alt country!  I love this song.  What can I say?  I'm a sucker for all female harmony.  Thanks Mike Mix!

Help I'm Alive by Metric
So Emily Haines makes another appearance, but this time with the rest of Metric, so I guess it can be forgiven.  Mike Mix must have had a hard time deciding which Metric song to use, because they acquired four Metric albums since the last Chick Mix.  I was kind of hoping for Hustle Rose or Rock Me Now, but Help I'm Alive is good, too.

And there you have it!  See you in 2017, Chick Mix IV!

Where I've Been and Where I'll Be

You may have noticed that I have been absent from the blog for some time now.  You were probably thinking that I was having some sort of time-traveling adventure, or that I'd finally been captured by a SATAN.  The truth is nothing so grand.  I've been too busy writing a novel to spend much time blogging.  It's a very original novel about a man with super powers.  Maybe I'll call it Superbman, or something.

Conniving Souls

I found a missing flash drive, and on that flash drive were the next three and a half scenes of Conniving Souls.  Enjoy.

Scene 11

Chuck walks into a pub.  He sits at the bar.  The bartender comes up to him.

BARTENDER: What can I get ya?

CHUCK: I’ll have a rum-and-Coke on the rocks; hold the rum, and no ice.

BARTENDER: Comin’ right up.

The bartender pours a can of Coke into a glass and sets it down in front of Chuck.

CHUCK: Thanks.  I need some of the hard stuff tonight.  (He empties the glass and grimaces as if it were a shot of whiskey.)  Hoo-ee!  Keep ‘em comin’!

As the bartender pours Chuck another Coke, Connie enters the tavern and sits down at a table on the other side of the room where she can watch Chuck.

CHUCK: Are you married?

BARTENDER: Nope.

CHUCK: Lucky guy.  Women are nothing but trouble.

Connie perks up, hoping Chuck is on the verge of saying something damning.

BARTENDER: Trouble at home?

CHUCK: I haven’t slept in the same room as my wife in a month.  She’s always mad at me, and I don’t know why.

BARTENDER: Maybe she’s mad that you aren’t sleeping in the same room as she is.

Connie sits back and listens.

Two hours later.

Chuck is still drinking his Cokes.  The bartender has moved on to serve other patrons, and Chuck is just drinking and watching TV.

CONNIE: (under her breath) This is getting nowhere.  If he were meeting someone, she’d be here by now.

Connie stands up.  She takes off her hoody, revealing a nice shirt, flattering to her figure without being skanky.  She approaches the bar and sits down next to Chuck.

CONNIE: Is this seat taken?

CHUCK: No.  Be my guest.

The bartender comes over.

BARTENDER: What can I get you?

CONNIE: Do you have any carrots?

BARTENDER: Carrots?

CONNIE: Yes.

BARTENDER: Yeah.  We serve them with chicken wings.  I’ll go in the back and grab you a plate.  You want any ranch dip with them?

CONNIE: No, thanks.  Just the carrots.

Bartender exits.

CONNIE: What’s your name?

CHUCK: Chuck Stanton.  You?

CONNIE: Connie Stellation.  It’s a pleasure to meet you, Chuck.

CHUCK: You, too.

They shake hands.

CONNIE: Are you here alone?

CHUCK: Yeah.  I’m on my own tonight.  Again.

CONNIE: You aren’t waiting for anyone?

CHUCK: No.  Who would I be waiting for?

CONNIE: Oh, I don’t know.  A girlfriend, maybe.

CHUCK: I don’t have a girlfriend.

CONNIE: No?  A nice looking man like you?

CHUCK: I’m married.

CONNIE: Where’s your wife this evening?

Chuck shrugs.

CHUCK: We had a fight, and she ran out.  She’s probably staying with a friend.

CONNIE: I’m sorry.

CHUCK: Don’t worry about it.  What about you?  What are you up to this evening?

Bartender returns and sets a plate of carrots in front of Connie.  She picks one up and takes a bite.

CONNIE: I’m not really up to anything.  I was just in the neighborhood, and I got a carrot craving.  (She takes another bite.)

CHUCK: We all have our vices.  (Holds up his glass of Coke to illustrate his vice.)  At least I’m not a smoker.

Pause.

CONNIE: You seem like a nice guy, Chuck.

CHUCK: Thanks.

Scene 12

Cylash knocks on Crane’s door.  He answers it.

CYLASH: (seductively) Hi, baby.

CRANE: Hey, love-bucket.

They embrace, closing the door behind them.

CYLASH: I brought us something to get us in the mood.

CRANE: (excited) Oh yeah?

Cylash holds up some comic books with sexy female super heroes on them.

CRANE: (not excited anymore) Oh.


Scene 13

Connie and Chuck at the bar.  They’re laughing.

CHUCK: And the next thing I know, I’m the CEO.  Tobacco disgusts me!

They laugh again.

CONNIE: (checks her watch) It’s late.  I should get going.  It’s been fun, though.

CHUCK: Yeah, it has.  Thanks for cheering me up.

CONNIE: (standing up) Do you come here often?

CHUCK: Say, aren’t you supposed to use pick-up lines to start the conversation?

CONNIE: Of course, how silly of me.  I guess I had one too many carrots.

CHUCK: As a matter of fact, yes, I do come here often.

CONNIE: Will you be here tomorrow?

CHUCK: Only if my wife storms out on me again.  So, yes, I will be here tomorrow.

CONNIE: I’ll see you tomorrow, then.

Connie leaves.  Chuck watches her go.  At first he’s smiling, but the smile fades.

CHUCK: Oh, crap.  Did I just make a date?

BARTENDER: Sorta.  Not really, though.

CHUCK: I’m a married man!  I can’t date other women!

BARTENDER: So don’t show up tomorrow.

CHUCK: You aren’t much of a businessman, are you?

BARTENDER: Hey, I don’t own the place.  I just work here.

Scene 14

The next day.  Crane and Cylash are sitting across from Connie at Connie’s office.

CONNIE: Good morning, Mrs. Saltlickington-Stanton.

CYLASH: Good morning.  This is my lover, Dr. Crane Sextopoulos.

CRANE: Hello.

Connie is a little stunned.  After a brief pause, she shakes her head and goes on.

CONNIE: What can I do for you this morning?

CRANE: We’re here to see how your investigation is going.

CONNIE: Well, my investigation isn’t even 24 hours old, so I haven’t exhausted all leads yet.

CYLASH: So you have nothing at all?

CONNIE: I watched him closely last night.  He didn’t have sex with anyone.  I have his phone tapped, too, and he hasn’t been in contact with any strange women.  In fact, he didn’t make or receive any phone calls last night.

CRANE: Listen, Ms. Stellation, we’re paying you…

CYLASH: I’m paying her.

CRANE: Cylash is paying you good money to catch this man in his wickedness, and you’re telling me that you’ve failed?

CONNIE: I just took the case yesterday afternoon.  These things can take time.

CRANE: Time and our money.

CYLASH: My money.

CRANE: Cylash’s money.

Lawrence L'Amour

I found a scribbler in the glove compartment of my car from my days working in the motel industry.  It was full of gems, some that I had been wondering where they'd gotten to, some that I had completely forgotten about.  One of the forgotten ones was this amazing story:

"Who's that loser?"

"Who?  Jimmy?"

"No, that guys."  Carlos pointed at a tall, overweight man dressed in a red toga and wearing a tattered heart-shaped foam hat twice the size of his considerable head.

"Oh, him," Janice said.  "He calls himself Lawrence L'Amour.  He's harmless."

Lawrence pranced across the street and pulled Carlos and Janice into a flabby embrace that smelled like pizza and roses.

"I am love!" Lawrence announced in a grotesque falsetto.  He slapped felt hearts onto their chests.  "Young love blooms again!"  He turned and tip-toed down the sidewalk.

Carlos took the heart off of his chest and dropped it in the gutter.  "Anyway," he said.  "I'll see you later, sis.  Tell Mom I'll be home for supper."

Lawrence saw two young men talking on a corner.  He fluttered towards them and enfolded them in his arms.  "Fear not, young fancy lads," he twittered.  "Love knows no boundaries!  You don't need the government to acknowledge your love as legitimate!"

"Dude," one of the young men said.  "Are you calling us queer?"

"I have special hearts for you!"  Lawrence bestowed rainbow-coloured hearts on the boys and twirled away.  A chihuahua crossed his path, and he scooped it up, holding it high.

"Happy Valentine's Day, little puppy-dog!" he crooned.  "I wuv you!  Yes I do!"  He kissed the dog's nose and danced down the street.

"Put some clothes on, you hippy!" an old man called from a bus stop.  His wife sat beside him.

Lawrence pressed his hands together above his heart as he gazed upon the elderly couple.  "Squeee!" he squeed.  "True love conquers all and lasts until the end of life!  Tell me, ancient one, how long have -- OOF!"

Lawrence L'Amour doubled over as the meaty fist drove into his gut.  His hat fell to the curb and was stomped on by a dirty worn work boot.

"Shut yer wang hole!" the newcomer said.

Lawrence shrieked at the sight of his ruined hat.  "My Chapeau De L'Amour!" he screamed.  He looked up and saw the scarred, bristly face of his adversary.

"I'm sicka you and everting youse stands fer," Raging Randolph said.  He pulled out a pistol and shot Lawrence L'Amour in the throat.

And that's the story of the first Valentine's Day.



I friggin' love this story.  I laughed out loud at the last sentence both when I originally wrote it and when I reread it last night.

Le Chapeau De L'Amour is, of course, a blatant rip-off of Bob The Angry Flower.

 (Image taken from Bob The Angry Flower)

You Only THINK it's Been Three Weeks!

I know what you're thinking.  "Hyper," you're thinking, "why have you gone nearly three weeks without updating your blog?  And how is it that you're reading my mind."  The answer should be obvious, even to your feeble 21st century minds.  If you're at all familiar with my history -- and, being a follower of my blog, you should be -- you'll know that I have a time machine.  The day after reviewing Mike Mix 2010, I traveled back to medieval times to lead the noble Asul Army against the dreaded nation of Pula.  I was, of course, victorious, having been taught in the ways of traditional warfare by Sir Headolence.

This image is a screenshot from my time machine's monitor as I hovered above the army giving commands and occasionally sending down a blast of laser fire.

"But!" you're self-satisfiedly thinking now.  "Why didn't you just come back to the time immediately after you left for the past so as not to let your blog fall into inactivity!"  Again, the answer is simple: Space and Time Assassin Ninjas, or SATANs.  They were going to attack me during the last couple of weeks, so I came back after they were dead.  See, once a SATAN is fully trained, he or she only lives for two weeks.  The cyborg body can only take so much anti-matter in the blood before imploding.

So that's why it has been nearly three weeks since my last blog post.

Mike Mix 2010: a CD Review

I'm trying something new today.  Back when this blog was unfunny (before May 2010), I would occasionaly review movies.  I'm pretty sure I never reviewed an album, though.  I acquired a new CD yesterday.  Yes, I still buy CDs, even though I have an iPod.  Mp3 players are the worst thing ever in the history of music.

So, anyway, the CD I got yesterday was Mike Mix 2010.  This is the 15th year that MiKenzie Incorporated's Mike Mix Productions has released one of these compilation albums.  For a stretch of years in the last decade, this tired franchise released two Mike Mixes a year.  Thankfully, that trend has stopped, and the big wigs in MiKenzie's corporate offices have restrained themselves to one compilation per year.  Since the songs are by various artists, I will review each song separately:

Track 1:  "Can't Stop Partying" by Weezer
It's no secret that Weezer is my favourite band.  "Can't Stop Partying", which was earlier featured as a melancholy acoustic demo on Rivers Cuomo's solo album Alone II, has two honors: the first Weezer song to feature the dreaded F-word, and the first Weezer song to have a rapper breakdown midsong by the immortal Lil Wayne.  It's also driven by a techno beat, which is quite the departure for these alternative rock veterans who inspired countless hordes of geeky alternative rock bands.

Track 2: "Hysteria" by Muse
Interesting choice by Mike Mix Productions.  Not because it's a bad song (it kicks serious arse), but because it's seven years old, and Mike Mix 2003 Volume II contained "Stockholm Syndrome" from the same album.  Paragraph 11 Section iii(a) reads: "no Mike Mix compilation may contain a song from a source album that has previously been featured on a past Mike Mix compilation."  You're breaking the rules, MiKenzie Incorporated!  For shame!

Track 3: "Wasteland" by Inward Eye
The debut of Inward Eye on a Mike Mix.  Has anyone even heard of this band?  If you listened to alternative rock radio stations a year-and-a-half ago, you might have heard their single "Shame."  Maybe.

Track 4: "Gimme Sympathy" by Metric
This song is sung by a woman.  A Woman!  With ovaries and everything.  Shameful!

Track 5: "Laces Out" by Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker
Considering how famous they are, as far as Canadian alt rock bands go, I can't find anyone else besides me who has ever heard of USS.  Don't be fooled by the first few seconds of this track: it is not by House of Pain or Cypress Hill.

Track 6: "Turn Your Back" by Billy Talent
Billy Talent peeked with their debut single "Try Honesty" in 2003.  This doesn't stop MiKenzie Inc. from using their lesser tracks for their Mike Mixes.  Speaking of washed-up Canadian alternative rock bands:

Track 7: "Monkey Brains" by Our Lady Peace. 
The king Canadian alt rock bands that should just retire.  Did anyone buy Burn, Burn, Burn?  Of course not; nobody buys albums these days.  Except for me.

Track 8: "Peacemaker" by Green Day
Really?  Green Day?  They're the most pretentious rock band of the last decade.  They're even more pretentious than U2.  U-freaking-2!  Yes, George W. Bush wasn't a great president.  Get over it.  Also, you're old farts who still want to be teenagers.

Track 9: "Tesselate" by Tokyo Police Club
From MiKenzie's official blog: "This was supposed to be on Mike Mix 2009, but we forgot."  Well done, gentlemen.  Also

tes·sel·late /v. ˈtɛsəˌleɪt; adj. ˈtɛsəlɪt, -ˌleɪt/ Show Spelled [v. tes-uh-leyt; adj. tes-uh-lit, -leyt]  -lat·ed, -lat·ing, adjective

–verb (used with object)

1. to form of small squares or blocks, as floors or pavements; form or arrange in a checkered or mosaic pattern.

Track 10: "Uprising" by Muse

What's this?  Another Muse song?  At first, I was going to attack MiKenzie Inc. for another broken rule, but upon further reviews of the Mike Mix Productions bylaws, I saw this ammendement:  "34.iv(c) a Mike Mix compilation may not have more than one song per artist/band.  Ammendement: (2006.5.22) 34.iv(c) notwithstanding, if MiKenzie Incorporated acquires two separate albums by the same source artist/band, one song from each album may be used."  So, apparently, it took MiKenzie seven years to acquire Absolution.

Track 11: "Substitution" by Silversun Pickups

One of those bands that people have only heard of because of Rock Band II.

Track 12: "Soldier On" by The Temper Trap

This song takes the album, which has been fairly high tempo until this point, and brings it to a screeching, falsetto halt.  Why didn't MiKenzie used the one Temper Trap song that people might have heard?  That song, of course, is "Sweet Disposition," which was featured in the film 500 Days of Summer.

Track 13: "In One Ear" by Cage The Elephant

Cage The Elephant sucks.  From MiKenzie Inc.'s official blog: "We liked Cage the Elephant when we briefly sampled it, but decided that they sucked after listening to the album in full.  We needed some filler, so we stuck on the song that had the foulest language."

Track 14: "The Funeral" by Band of Horses

Another slow one, but a gooder.  I discovered this song in a freestyle BMXing video online, of all places.  Interesting juxtaposition.

Track 15: "Hollow Point Sniper Hyperbole" by Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

Oh, come on MiKenzie!  Another one snuck in under the rule 34.iv(c) ammendement.  You're just effing with us now!  But the song does get bonus points for the brief cover of an old Newfoundland fishing ditty.

Track 16: "Empty's Theme Park" by Matthew Good

A slow, melancholy marathon by Matt Good finishes of Mike Mix 2010.  If you're depressed and in your 30s or early 40s and grew up in Vancouver, you'll love it!

And that's it.  Yes, that's right: there are only 16 tracks instead of the regular 18 that MiKenzie provides.  This franchise is running out of the steam and should be retired.  Either that, or come out with a Mike Mix every two years instead of once a year.

Bobby and the Dentist

Okay, before you read Bobby and the Dentist, you have to read Carrie's Punishment first.  Carrie's Punishment, as you all know, was written in 2001 by the talented writer, ashbucket2000.  It's a harrowing story about the consequences of our choices, filled with subtlety and intricate characterization.  I present it to you for your benefit, completely unedited and with the original formatting:

MOM!! PLEASE LET ME GO!!!!! said,Carrie

CARRIE! you know i dont approve of those kinda parties. said Carrie's mother

PLEASE!!! MOM..IM 16 years old.. And every one is gonna be there..I heard its gonna be the biggest party of the YEAR!!!!!!

Your right Carrie you are 16 years of age... said carrie's mom.

BUT MOM!!!I can take on responsability... said Carrie..

OK..THEN!!! CARRIE... I will let you go to this party!!!But you gotta tell me where this party is.. AND YOU WILL!!!I REPEAT..WILL BE HOME BY..AT LEAST 12:30..

OH THANK YOU MOM!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

The Nite of the Party Carrie was so excited.. For..Once in my life..some one at this party will actually think im Cool..Besides Latoya and Luara.. Maybe i can make more friends..and have a major improvment on my social life..She said to her self... So Carrie Got her things and hurried down stairs..

WELL!!!mom..What do you think.. said, carrie

Honey..You look like an angel.. MY little angel.. said,Carrie's MOM.. Remember NO DRINKING..NO DRUGS AND DONT LETS BOYS TAKE advantage of you..and when..

MOM!! I know...said Carrie,Interupting..

So you will be home by 12:30 at the latest and Ive got where the address to where this party is.. said,carrie's Mother..

YES! mom... I LOVE YOU!!! said, carrie

Ok sweety have a good time.. said her mother.. Carrie,gave her mother a kiss,said i love you.. walked out to the car..started it up...backed out of the drive way.. and headed on to the party... When,Carrie got there....She met up with a couple of her friends.. Latoya and Luara..

HEY GIRL!!!SUP!!!said,Luara

Hey said,Latoya, This Party is Slammin!!!

Hey wanna beer.. said,Luara..

NAHH..I better not.. said,carrie..

Aight thats cool Said,Luara.. any way come dance with me.. the girls began to dance and have a good time... Later on that nite..Carrie Bumped into some popular girls..

HEY carrie... said one of the girls..

Sup!! said, Carrie..

Having Fun,carrie

Yeah this party is Great.. said,carrie..

It would be much more fun if you have a beer and Relax.. said one of the girls..

No! i better not.My mom...

DO YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU TO!!! no wonder your social life is..CRAP!!! Said one of the girls..

NO!! I DONT ALWAYS!!! do what my mom tells me to.. Just to prove to you..I will have a BEER. said carrie.. Well maybe just one carrie thought to her self.. That first beer turned into two,three and four..until Carrie lost count. and lost track of time.. OH rap!!! as she looked at a near by clock on the wall..IT was nearly 1:55 A.M. luckly here comes Carrie's friends..

CARRIE..HEY GIRL..Can we get a ride.. said,Luara Our rides are like passed out some where and we cant find their sorry asses any where

Sure said carrie.. so the three girls staggered to the car drunk off their asses.. Luara got in the front seat..Turned on the music.after Carrie had started the car...

OH!!!YEAH!! Turn this bad boy UP!!! said, luara.

Carrie backed out onto the highway.. and down the road the three girls went.. THE CD PLYER BLASTIN..All three them drunk and carrying on..singing to the music they had on and talkin loud.. Non of them payed attention to the speed Or the Road.. Befor she new it she was speeding 85mph in a 55mph speed zone.. And yet befor she knew it..Only thing she remembers last is.. The screamimg of her two friends..her self screaming...the squeeling tires..broken glass..The head lights of the other Car..and every thing went black.. Next thing she knows she is waking up in intensive care to a docter and a nurse chatting away..at first she could not make out what they were saying..

Docter did the other two girls make it.. said, the nurse

The other two girls are intensive care...Im not sure if they are gonna make it.. Said,the Docter..

what about this girl..I do believe her name is carrie.... said the Nurse.

Im not sure if she is gonna make it..if she does..she will be paraized for the rest of her life.. Said,the Docter..

and DOCTER..what about the other driver did they make it...

No..Said, the Docter

HOW.IS THIS YOUNG GIRL GONNA..PAY FOR ALL THE DAMAGE SHE HAS DONE!!! said,Nurse

Dont worry..She will pay... said, the docter

HOW? said the nurse..

Well you know the driver in the othe car... said the docter

YES.. said the nurse

Well.. The other Driver was carrie's MOTHER 









That long empty space at the end was part of the original story; I didn't just add it on for fun.  So, anyway, a couple of years later, I was trying to overcome a problem with one of my stories.  I wanted someone to fake his death by killing someone else and mutilating the body so people would think it was him.  I was trying to think of a way that the dental records would be no help in identifying the corpse.  My roommate, Stephen, said, "Maybe he had really bad gingivitis."  I immediately started laughing.  When I could speak again, I said, "That's the worst case of gingivitis I've ever seen!  All of those teeth will have to go!"  Within hours, I had completed Bobby and the Dentist.  The reason I made you read ashbucket2000's masterpiece first is because the style in which I wrote BATD was inspired by Carrie's Punishment.  So here, for your reading pleasure, is Bobby and the Dentist:
 

"That's the worst case of gingivitis I've ever seen! All of those teeth will have to go."

"All of them, doctor?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

Bobby covered his mouth and shook his head.

"Come, now, Bobby," the dentist said. "You have no one to blame...but YOURSELF! It's what you get for not brushing properly. Now you must PAY."

"BUT," Bobby said, "I love my teeth. I use them...to EAT!"

"You should have thought of that before." The dentist set out his instruments on a tray. "Now you can wear dentures...like an OLD MAN!"

Bobby started to cry. Why didn't I listen to Mom? he thought. She always told me to brush everyday, but I neglected to do so. Now she's DEAD, and I'm about to lose all of my teeth.

"You'll get no sympathy from me," the dentist said. "Nurse! Prep this patient."

A woman came over to join them. "I believe I'm called a dental hygienist, not a nurse," she said as she pulled on a pair of rubber gloves.

"Whatever," the dentist said.

The woman put one of those paper bib things on Bobby. "Please," Bobby whimpered. "I'm only 19. Let me keep my teeth."

"STOP BLUBBERING!" the hygienist said. She turned the light on over Bobby's face. It blinded him!

Bobby clamped his hands over his mouth. He refused to let them pull his teeth.

"Don't make this harder than it needs to be," the dentist said. "Move your hands and open your mouth."

"MM-MM!" Bobby said and shook his head.

The dentist sighed.

The dental hygienist looked frightened.

"I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this," the dentist said. "But you leave me NO CHOICE!" He turned and yelled, "Escobar! Your services are required!"

The hygienist screamed and fled the room.

A large hispanic man walked to the side of the reclined dental chair opposite the dentist. Bobby quivered at the sight of him.

The dentist nodded once.

Escobar reached down and broke three of Bobby's fingers.

Bobby howled in pain and craddled his injured hand against his chest.

"NOW!" the dentist said. "Hold his MOUTH open!"

Escobar's powerful hands held Bobby's mouth open as the dentist injected it with large quantities of novacain.

"I wanted to do this the easy way," the dentist said, "but you've forced me to do it the not-easy way, Bobby."

The dentist grabbed a tool from his tray and held it up for Bobby to see. It was a rusty pair of pliers, not a dentist's tool at all.

"Don't tell anyone about this, Bobby," the dentist said. "Escobar knows where you live."

The pliers moved closer to Bobby's face. As they did, Bobby realized that they weren't rusty after all. That reddish-brown stuff wasn't rust.

It was dried blood...

RIP Dr. MacKillzie

Good-looking fella.

As you are all aware, my new glasses made me evil, and I changed my name from Mike MacKenzie to Dr. Might MacKillzie.  The good doctor had a good run, but in the end, he inadvertently killed himself.  Earlier this week, he purchased some multi-vitamins to take everyday.  He did this in the hopes that it would grant him super strength.  (His doctorate was in art history; science wasn't his forte.)  The result wasn't what he hoped it would be, but it's for the best.  Instead of super strength, the multi-vitamins counteracted the effects of my new glasses, and my original personality has re-emerged, drowning out the maniacal rantings of hyperfellonyism.

What a nice guy.  I'm wearing my old glasses in this picture, so not only was I my original nice self, I was extrasuperspecial nice.  Vomitously nice, one might say.  I no longer combine the multi-vitamins with the old glasses.  People just can't take that much sweetness without going into a diabetic coma.

You're In The Right Place

Don't be fooled by the new look; this is, indeed, hyperblogianism.  I signed in this evening to find blogger enthusiastically pointing out its new design features.  Not wanted to hurt its feelings, I changed the design of my blog.  I like the look, but I'm not sure that I like the whole design interface.  There are some things that I want to change, but I can't figure out how exactly to change them.  I'm sure it's a problem with the set-up, and not a problem with me.

Hey, look, I can mess with the font.  Could I do that before?  Probably.

Conniving Souls: the rest of it

I searched, and I searched, but I couldn't find the other scenes I had written for Conniving Souls.  All I have is the treatment.  If I ever find the rest of the scenes, or if I ever overcome the pain and suffering enough that I can rewrite them, I'll post them.  But, with the treatment, at least you know how it ends.

Scene 11—Chuck goes to a bar and orders “rum and Coke on the rocks, hold the rum, and no ice.”  Connie watches him drink alone for a while.  After no one has shown up after two hours, she decides on a new method.  She sits down beside him at the bar and strikes up a conversation in an attempt to get information out of him.  She doesn’t get any relevant information, but they have a very pleasant chat.  NOTE: sometime during this scene, Connie asks the bartender if he has any carrots.

Scene 12—Cylash and Crane meet with Connie for an update on the investigation.  Cylash introduces Crane as her lover.  Connie pretends she didn’t hear that.  Connie reports that she hasn’t found any evidence of infidelity.  Crane and Cylash aren’t happy with the results.  Connie assures them that it’s still early in the investigation and tells them to be patient.  After Cylash and Crane leave her office, Crane says he doesn’t trust Connie.  He wants Cylash to hire another PI to watch Connie.  Cylash tells him not to be stupid.  Crane doesn’t reply, but he gets a scheming look on his face.

Scene 13—Chuck goes to the same bar as the previous evening.  Once again, Connie sits next to him, and they talk.  Chuck tells Connie about his troubled marriage.  Connie sympathizes with him.  Emotions begin to stir between the two of them.

Scene 14—Chuck returns home.  Cylash shoves Crane into a broom closet just before he comes in the door.  She asks Chuck where he has been.  He tells her truthfully where he had been.  She calls him a liar and accuses him of having an affair.  They argue, and Cylash storms out of the house again.  Crane sneaks out while Chuck’s back is turned.

Scene 15—Connie is at home.  She is emotionally stressed out, and is therefore binging on carrots.  She feels a responsibility to do the job she has been hired to do, but she pities Chuck and has grown to like him.  She doesn’t want to spy on him.  She decides that she’ll drop the case.  NOTE: her thoughts are expressed as she talks to her pet mice.

Scene 16—The next day, Connie informs Cylash that she’s dropping the case due to a complete lack of evidence.  She has concluded that Chuck isn’t cheating on her.  Cylash argues, but Connie is firm.  Cylash phones Crane and tells him what happened.  Crane says he’ll take care of it.

Scene 17—Chuck offers Cylash some comic books in an effort to patch things up between them.  She takes them, but doesn’t thank him.  She tells him that one small gift doesn’t make up for a year-and-a-half of being a lousy husband.  Chuck asks her why she doesn’t leave him if he’s such a bad husband.  She slaps him and says, “Maybe I will.”  And then she storms out of the house again.

Scene 18—Crane meets with Connie at her office.  He produces some photos of her with Chuck in the bar.  The photos make it appear that the two of them are a couple.  Crane tells her that he’ll report her for becoming romantically involved with the man she was hired to investigate if she doesn’t continue with her investigation.  He also threatens her with unnecessary brain surgery.

Scene 19—Connie and Chuck meet at the bar again.  Connie begins to explain to him what’s been going on.  Crane jumps up from behind the bar and interrupts her.  Cylash enters the bar and sees Chuck and Connie together.  She starts yelling at both of them and accusing them of having an affair.  Crane joins in with the accusations.  Connie accuses them right back.  Overwhelmed, Chuck flees.  Connie follows, but Chuck is faster.

Scene 20—Chuck sits alone on a park bench wondering what just happened.  Meanwhile, Cylash and Crane are planning their next move at Crane’s house.  Connie is on a carrot bender to drown her sorrows.

Scene 21—As Chuck sits on the park bench, his mother, Cyclonia Stanton, sits next to him.  They discuss Chuck’s problems, and then Cyclonia reveals that Crane is Chuck’s half-brother.  She goes on to further reveal that Chuck’s father, Clyde, isn’t really his father.  Crane’s father seduced Chuck’s mother, and Chuck was the result of that brief affair.  Chuck is upset and leaves.

Scene 22—Connie goes to Chuck’s house and she explains what has been going on with no interruptions this time.  Chuck struggles between anger and his fond feelings for Connie.  Finally, they kiss.  Crane and Cylash stand up from behind the couch.  Crane has a gun.  He tells them that now with this proof of Chuck’s infidelity, Cylash would sue him for divorce with a very sizable alimony.  Chuck brings up Cylash’s affair with Crane and says she won’t see a cent.  Crane decides to kill Chuck and Connie instead.  Before he shoots, Chuck tells him that they’re brothers.  Crane turns to an open window and asks his father if it’s true.  Mr. Sextopoulos, who happened to be passing by just then, confirms that Chuck and Crane are in fact brothers.  Crane drops the gun, and Crane and Chuck tearfully embrace.  Cylash picks up the gun and aims it at Chuck.  She shoots him in the shoulder.  Crane says that he never did trust her and lunges at her.  They struggle for the gun, and it goes off.  They pause for a second in one of those cliche moments in which you don’t know who was shot.  It turns out to be Crane’s father outside the window who was killed.  “Dad!” Crane and Chuck cry in unison.  Cylash pulls free with the gun in her hand.  Before she can do anything, Connie steps behind her and jabs her own gun in her back.  Cylash surrenders.  Chuck tells Cylash that he wants a divorce.

Scene 23—Cylash is in jail.  She demands comic books and a better wardrobe.

Scene 24—Chuck and Connie are getting married.  Crane is the best man.  Everything is happy.  The final shot is an extreme close-up of Crane with an evil, shifty-eyed expression on his face.

THE END

I Need a New Nemesis Now

Alliteration is for a-holes.

As you all know, Ian Fortey is dead.  I came out victorious in our eternal struggle that started a few weeks ago.  The best part of all is that I got Peter Weller to admit to killing him, so I'm off the hook.

Anyway, that's not the point of this entry.  The point of this entry is my need for a new nemesis.  Finding a nemesis isn't as easy as you probably think it is.  (Moron.)  In the case of Fortey, he personally insulted me and people like me.  Underjets, which he mistakenly referred to as underbites, are beautiful, bold, facial features.  Powerful, too.  I can chew through a steel bar as thick as my arm, which is why no prison has ever successfully confined me.

I digress.

I can't think of anyone who has personally insulted me lately, so I need a different method of selection a nemesis.  I considered that dog down the street that barks at me whenever I walk past him, but he's too dim-witted.  So I figured that I'd figure out something a little more dramatic:

Bam!  What's more dramatic than my arch-enemy being my best friend from junior high and high school.  That's right, Jake Heninger is my new nemesis.  (Or "Jay Keninger" as I sometimes like to call him.)  Know what's even better?  He's my cousin!  Bam!  Drama!  That idea alone would get the movie of my life story green-lit in Hollywood!

Now, besides the obvious reason of dramatic appeal, I need to concoct a real reason why he's my nemesis.  How about because he's a traitor?  Yeah, that'll work.

The fiend was born and raised in Canada.  True, it was smalltown Alberta, which is as close to American conservatism as you can get in Canada, but dammit, it's still Canada!  And what did he do just a handful of years after marrying an AMERICAN!?  Why, he moved to AMERICA!, that's what he did.  And he's been living in AMERICA! ever since.  Even lawyering for those dirty Californian's.  Why, I hear (from myself) that he's in league with Arnold Schwar...Schwartneg...Schwartnegra the Terminator himself!  The above picture was taken during his time living in AMERICA!.  Just look at the mocking in his face as he holds aloft the Canadian maple leaf, no doubt a mock gift from one of his AMERICAN! cohorts!

But you haven't even heard the worst of it.  BEHOLD:

Yes, you recognize this photo.  It's in the very sidebar of this very blog in an edited form.  This is at Sir Headolence's knighthood in 1967.  That's me on the right, Sir Headolence in the middle, and the dastardly Jake Heninger on the left!  Not only has Jake betrayed Canada; he has betrayed Sir Headolence the Dubious!  I know, I know, you all want to lynch him now.  But you must restrain yourselves.

He's mine.

Conniving Souls Scenes 7-10

Scene 7

Crane’s bathroom.  Crane stands in front of the mirror wearing a tight T-shirt and flexing his muscles.  He holds his hands in front of him.

CRANE:  to his hands.  Congratulations on yet another successful brain surgery, fellas.  Kisses his hands.  Daddy loves his little moneymakers.

Cylash enters.

CRANE:  Good morning, sugar-bottom.

CYLASH:  Good morning, darling.  I have to go.  I have a photo-shoot at 1:00, and wardrobe and make-up always take so long.

CRANE:  Has your private investigator found out anything about Chuck yet?

CYLASH:  I haven’t heard from her since I hired her.

CRANE:  Nothing?

CYLASH:  I only hired her yesterday.

CRANE:  He was home alone last night.  Surely, he took advantage of your absence to fool around with his mistress.  Pause.  Or mistresses.

CYLASH:  I’ll call her later for an update.  I have to get going now.  I’ll see you later.

CRANE:  Bye.

Cylash leaves.  Crane turns back to the mirror.  A John Black-like look of exaggerated suspicion spreads over his face.

Scene 8

Music montage of Connie following Chuck around all day.  He goes out for breakfast, goes to work and sits at his desk doing nothing, goes out for lunch, goes back to work and falls asleep, and finally goes home.  Connie waits around to see if any women show up.  Cylash enters the house.

Scene 9

Chuck sits on the couch watching Superman cartoons.  Cylash enters.

CYLASH:  Hello, Chuck.

CHUCK:  Cylash!  Hi, honey.  I’m so glad you’re home.

CYLASH:  Why?

CHUCK:  I missed you.  And I was worried.  Where were you?

CYLASH:  What’s that supposed to mean?

CHUCK:  I—uh—what?

CYLASH:  Are you accusing me of something, Chuck?

CHUCK:  No, of course not, honey!  I was just worried.  You seemed so upset when you left last night.

CYLASH:  Oh, yes, I’m sure!  The benevolent Charles Lexington Stanton was concerned that his wife was off somewhere along crying!  Why don’t you just cut the crap and admit that you think I’m having an affair?

CHUCK:  What?!

CYLASH:  Don’t play dumb with me, Chuck.  You’ve always been jealous.

CHUCK:  No I haven’t.

CYLASH:  You’ve always been suspicious.  You figure a woman of my great beauty must be unfaithful.  Admit it!

CHUCK:  No!  The thought never even crossed my mind!

CYLASH:  Well let me tell you something, Mr. President-of-the-company: high-powered businessmen like you are notorious for having affairs.  If there’s a cheater in this marriage, it’s you!

Cylash turns and walks away.

CHUCK:  Cylash, wait!

Cylash storms out of the house.

CHUCK: My middle name isn't Lexington.

Scene 10

Connie sits in a car across the street from Chuck’s house.  She watches Cylash leave.

CONNIE:  Is that your deal, Mr. Stanton?  Fight with you wife until she’s driven out, allowing an opportunity for your mistress to arrive?  Eats a carrot.  But why go through the trouble of upsetting your wife that much?  Why not just tell your wife that you’re going to the bar with your buddies and then meet up with your mistress?  There are easier ways to have an affair.  Eats another carrot.  Well, let’s see if your mistress shows up.

PASSERBY:  Who are you talking to?

Connie blushes and pulls her hood up.  Passerby moves on.


Any suggestions what song I should use for the music montage in Scene 8?  And don't say "I'll Be Watching You" by The Police.

Earth Puncher

 Sometimes I wish the Earth had a big face so that I could punch the Earth in its stupid, smug face.

"Oh!  Look at me!  I'm the Earth!  I'm so pretty and diverse!  You need me to live, but I'll kill you if you drive too many cars!"  Geez, what a prick!  So I took my offspring out into the wilderness over the long weekend.  I have a new child, a she-child this time, and I need to get an early start instilling in her a deep hatred for nature.  My heir and my second son are already on the road to being ecological terrorists (the kind of ecological terrorist who terrorizes the ecology, not the kind that blow up pipelines and hang harshly-worded banners in the Fort McMurray oilsands).  I, myself, am a legend among environmentalists.  I'm like Hitler to them.  Maybe I'll shave the goatee and leave a Hitlerstache.

Things went well.  There were victories on both sides, but I think I came out on top.  We wasted no time in wreaking havoc on the forest once we got there.  Within minutes, we were murdering fish.

Yeah, that's blood in the water.  Once the fish were dead, we cooked and devoured their flesh, tossing their heads and bones into the trash along with the kids' dirty, disposable diapers.  It was, however, during the fish slaughter that nature scored one of its few victories, if only a minor victory.  While my second son, out of pure contempt for nature, was beating the surface of the lake with a rod, the lake reached out and hauled the youngling into its depths.  Ready for such an attack, I was quick to pull the child out of the grasp of the water, suffering only a minor injury to my ring finger.

After teaching the lake its lesson, we turned our attention to the forest itself.  We felled two trees, dismembered them, and cut the trunk to pieces.  Not content with merely killing the sap-spewing sun-lovers, we cast their bodies into a pit of fire, a fire which I had created with my own two hands.

Once the tree carcasses were burning satisfactorily, I thought, "What better way to celebrate the death of a tree than by stabbing animal testicles and roasting them over the burning trees?"

After two days, I decided that I had had enough of nature and returned home, and now I'm pooping in fresh, potable water again, which is how man was meant to poop.

Conniving Souls Scenes 4-6

Scene 4

Cylash sits gracefully on the couch in her living room dressed in a fancy outfit reading comic books.  Chuck enters.

CHUCK:  Hi, Cylash.

CYLASH:  coldly.  Hello, Charles.

CHUCK:  How has your day been?

CYLASH:  drops her comic book on the coffee table.  What’s that supposed to mean?

CHUCK:  blinks.  Wha—?

CYLASH:  stands up.  Really, Chuck, I’m tired of you always sticking your nose in my business!

CHUCK:  But—

CYLASH:  You’re my husband, not my jailer!

CHUCK:  Cylash!

CYLASH:  I just can’t take this!  Not tonight!  Turns with a dramatic flourish.  I’m going out!  Leaves.

CHUCK:  Say, what gives?

Scene 5

Cylash and Crane are together.  The camera is close in on them, so it isn’t clear where they are.

CYLASH:  It was terrible, Crane!  He said such awful, malicious things!

CRANE:  It’s okay, sweetheart.  You’ll be fine.  You’re with Dr. Crane Sextopoulos now; Chuck can’t hurt you.

CYLASH:  I want to leave him right now!

CRANE:  I know, baby, but you can’t.  Not yet.

CYLASH:  When?

CRANE:  When Ms. Stellation gets proof that he’s having an affair.

CYLASH:  I don’t know how much of that ogre’s abuse I can take.

CRANE:  Patience, doll-face, patience.  When our private investigator does her job, divorcing Stanton will be simple.  And you’ll be able to snatch up most of his assets.

CYLASH:  calm now.  You’re right.  I can suffer through this.

CRANE:  Of course I’m right.  Kisses her forehead.  You’ll see.  Any day now.

CYLASH:  wraps her arms around Crane.  You’re so good to me.  Lets go someplace more private.  Tries to kiss him.

CRANE:  Not now, Cylash, I’m busy.

Camera zooms out to reveal an operating room.  Crane is in the middle of brain surgery.  Nurses stare at Crane and Cylash with wide eyes.

Scene 6

Chuck in his house.  He’s still in his work clothes, but his tie is loosened and his top button is undone.  He’s playing video games and singing along to Weezer.  The phone rings.  He pauses the game and the music and answers it.

CHUCK:  Hello?

CONNIE:  Hi.

Pause

CHUCK:  What can I do for you?

CONNIE:  Is this Chuck Stanton?

CHUCK:  Yeah.

CONNIE:  Don’t mind me; I’m just testing the tap on your phone line.

CHUCK:  laughing.  Oh, yeah?

CONNIE:  Yeah.  Don’t worry; it’ll just take a minute.

CHUCK:  So you’re spying on me, are ya?

CONNIE:  I prefer to think of it as “surveillance.”  “Spying” has bad connotations attached to it.

CHUCK:  So who do you work for?  The CIA?  CSIS?

CONNIE:  Oh, I’m independent.

CHUCK:  I see.  So why are you keeping me under surveillance?

CONNIE:  I dunno.  Gotta watch someone.

CHUCK:  laughs.  I guess everyone needs a hobby.

CONNIE:  Exactly.  Pauses.  Okay, I’m done.  You have yourself a good night.

CHUCK:  Hold on, you never even told me who you are.

CONNIE:  I work with your wife.

CHUCK:  She isn’t here right now.

CONNIE:  I know.

CHUCK:  blinks.  Did you want to leave a message?

CONNIE:  No.  Bye.  Hangs up.

Chuck shrugs, hangs up, and goes back to his video games.

Conniving Souls Scenes 1-3

Welcome to the first installment of a script I wrote a few years back while I was newlywed.  At the time, I had an inexplicable obsession with the initials C.S., as will momentarily become apparent.  In fact, I can think of four separate pieces I wrote that prominently featured a character named Chuck Stanton, none of which were any relation to each other.  This is one of those works.  Enjoy!

(It's a soap opera, by the way.)

Cast:
Chuck Stanton (if I had ever actually filmed this, I would have played this role)
Cylash Saltlickington-Stanton
Connie Stellation
Crane Sextopoulos (this would have been Sir Head's role)

Scene 1

Crane and Cylash are in Crane’s bedroom.  Cylash is brushing her hair.

CRANE:  I don’t trust him!

CYLASH:  Who?  My husband?

CRANE:  Yes.  I bet he’s cheating on you.  All those high paid executives have a mistress.

CYLASH:  Chuck’s harmless. 

CRANE:  I wouldn’t be so sure.

CYLASH:  Why would Chuck cheat on me?  I mean, look at me!  How could he possibly hope to do better than me?

CRANE:  You don’t understand men like him.  They never have enough.  They always want more.

CYLASH:  shrugs.  So maybe he is having an affair.  Big deal.  I’m sleeping with you.

CRANE:  That’s different!

CYLASH:  How?

CRANE:  waves the question off impatiently.  There’s no time to explain that.  It’s not important.  But consider this: if we can prove that Chuck is cheating on you, you can divorce him and take a sizable chunk of his estate with you.

Cylash puts down her brush and pays more attention to Crane.

CYLASH:  How do we prove it?

CRANE:  We hire a private investigator to watch him and take pictures of anything suspicious.

CYLASH:  Yes.  Pauses, then smiles.  Yes!  Pauses agains, smiles bigger.  Yes!

Crane and Cylash both laugh wickedly.

Scene 2

Satan’s Special Blend Tobacco Company boardroom.  Chuck is in a meeting with Board Members 1, 2, and 3. 

BOARD MEMBER 1:  We have teenagers hooked.  That was no problem.  We’ve convinced them that the anti-smoking ads are uncool and the product of baby-boomers trying to make them conform.

BOARD MEMBER 2:  That’s great, but what do we do about all of our customers who are dead?  They aren’t buying our product anymore.

BOARD MEMBER 3:  Exactly.  Teenage smokers don’t fill the void left by the dead, dying, and quitters.  Shakes with rage.  I just hate quitters SO MUCH!

BOARD MEMBER 1:  We have to find a way to get kids to smoke younger.  I won’t be happy until I see 8-year-olds lighting up at recess!

CHUCK:  Now hold on a mi—

BOARD MEMBER 2: But how!  The government will never let us advertise directly to children.

CHUCK:  And for good rea—

BOARD MEMBER 1:  I’ve thought of that.  Displays a poster.  Let me introduce you to television’s newest Saturday morning cartoon: Captain Tobacco and the Cigarette Commandos!  It doesn’t actually advertise cigarettes, but it makes them appealing to young children.

BOARD MEMBER 2:  Brilliant!

CHUCK:  That’s going too far!

BOARD MEMBER 1:  It is brilliant, isn’t it?

BOARD MEMBER 3:  Hey!  I just thought up a new slogan: “Quitters never win.  Are you a quitter?”

BOARD MEMBER 2:  Brilliant!

BOARD MEMBER 1:  I’ve also been thinking that we should lace our cigarettes with heroin to make it harder to quit.

BOARD MEMBER 2: Brilliant!

Later.  Chuck is alone in his office.  He’s bored, so he eventually pulls out a Gameboy and starts playing it.

Scene 3

Connie’s office at the Orion Detective Agency.  Connie sits behind her desk with Cylash sitting across from her.  A bowl of carrots is on the desk.

CYLASH:  You’re a private investigator?

CONNIE:  blinks.  Yes, I am.

CYLASH:  You don’t look like one.

CONNIE:  That’s why I’m a good one.  No one suspects me.

CYLASH:  sounding doubtful.  Yes, well.  I’m sure.

CONNIE:  bristles, but keeps her temper.  What can I do for you Mrs. Saltlickington-Stanton?

CYLASH:  I think my husband is cheating on me, and I want you to get some proof.

CONNIE:  making notes.  What’s your husband’s name?

CYLASH:  Chuck Stanton.

CONNIE:  Where does he work?

CYLASH:  He’s the president of Satan’s Special Blend Tobacco.

CONNIE:  looks up from her notes.  How old is he?

CYLASH:  27

CONNIE:  And he’s the president of a tobacco company?  How did he manage that?

CYLASH:  shrugs.  He already had the job when I met him.

CONNIE:  Do you have a picture of him?

Cylash hands Connie a picture of Chuck along with a piece of paper.

CYLASH:  Our home address and phone number is there, as well as my cell phone number.

CONNIE:  Thank you.  I’ll get right on this.

Cylash and Connie awkwardly shake hands.



More to come.  Stay tuned.

 Had it ever been shot, this would have been the cast Conniving Souls.  The main characters, anyway.

Dr. Seuss Was An A-Hole

Now that I'm evil, thanks to my new glasses, my first project as a supervillain while hyperlairianism is under construction is to invent a resurrection machine.  The first person I resurrect will be Dr. Seuss.  "How sweet!" you're all thinking.  "He wants to resurrect a beloved author of classic children books!"  Let me explain phase two of Operation Seuss Puncher: after I resurrect Dr. Seuss, I'm going to punch him repeatedly in the nuts.

Why would I want to hurt one of the most beloved authors of the last century in the testicles?  He made fun of me, that's why.  I was reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to my heir last night and came across a startling and insulting passage.

Look at that insulting caricature of me!  Yes, I know, I'm hairy, but to depict me as nothing more than an animal is crossing the line.  Especially a butt-lipped slave of an animal!  Look at how I'm forced to sit at the back of the bike while the white-as-ghosts children get to sit up front and control where the bike goes.  And what happens when the going gets too tough for the Aryan brats?

Mike does all the work when the hills get high!  Eff this shiz!  I have bad knees!  Also, I'm fat, and I get winded by hills while I'm carrying nothing but the hair on my back.

You know, if this were the '70s, my body hair would be appreciated.

New Glasses; New Personality?

I have new glasses.  They're my first pair of new glasses in ten years.  My wife had never known me in a different pair of glasses until yesterday.  Now she's worried about the new personality that is sure to come with this change.

I'm already noticing the early signs.  For instance, I'm growing a goatee, which, as we all know, is the most evil of all facial hair.  (At least I'm not growing a chin-strap, which is the most douchie of all facial hair.  I'd rather be evil than a douchebag.)  I've also caught myself drawing elaborate blueprints for a secret underground lair.  No one will breach its defenses.  I'll be INDESTRUCTIBLE!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

*ahem*

Excuse me.  I had another maniacal outburst.  They're becoming more and more frequent.

I'm thinking of changing my name from Mike MacKenzie to Dr. Might MacKillzie.  And I'll change my screen name from hyperferrianism to hyperfellonyism.  Thoughts?

I took my worries to Sir Headolence and asked for his advice.  He advised me to double the number of laser turrets around the perimeter of my underground lair and suggested that I call it "hyperlairianism."

My nemesis will be Cracked.com's Ian Fortey for what he said about my People.  (People with underbites; not hobos.)

An Evening With Sir Headolence

The coach arrived in front of my house at promptly 6:45 pm, exactly 15 minutes after Sir Headolence said it would arrive.  Like clock work.  I bid my wife adieu with a double pat on the butt and kissed my children once each on the forehead.

The lavish coach, constructed of ebony and bronze with gold trim, was drawn by six red-eyed horses black as Sir Head's soul and rippling with steroid-enhanced muscles.  The driver, a mass of unnatural muscle, barely restrained the horses when they spotted me.  Every time they spotted me, they yearned to dismember and devour me.

"Oh, you guys!" I laughed and waved a dismissive hand at them.  I climbed into the coach.  The door closed itself behind me.

The Impostor sat across from me, his emaciated frame bowed beneath the weight of his age.  I had long since given up asking the ancient man his name, and Sir Head only ever referred to him as "The Impostor."

"Hey, Imp, what's shakin'?" I asked.

The Impostor turned his blind eyes to mine and peered into the depths of my soul.  "You," he wheezed, "hyperferrianism, man of no origin, must drink of this--" he held up a chalice filled with a black, steaming liquid "--if you are to enter the presence of the one called Sir Headolence the Dubious."

I was pretty sure the dented steel chalice was filled with hot tar, possibly mixed with LSD.  "Sure, no problemo," I said, taking the filthy goblet and emptying it down my eager throat.

"Good," The Impostor hissed.  "Goooooooood."

The last thing I remember was saying, "GRRRAAAAAAAAARGLE!" before passing out.

When I awoke, I was no longer in the coach.  I was naked and dancing on the roof of a moving car.  I had no way of knowing how long this had been going on.  I waved as the car passed some gawking Jehovah's Witnesses.  "Nice night," I said.  In one, fluid motion I swung down from the roof and through the open window.

"Evening, Noah," I said to Sir Head.  He answered with a solid punch to my left eye.

"Hey, Mike," he said.  "I thought I told you never to call me by my peasant name again."

"You did," I replied.  "I just like to keep things interesting.  So, what do we have planned for tonight?"

Sir Head slammed on the brakes and leaped from the car as it screeched to a stop.  I had long ago learned to react swiftly to this sort of thing and followed his lead by evacuating the car.  After running several steps, the car exploded in a giant fireball.  The shock wave propelled me forward.  I landed and rolled, coming up on my feet.  Somehow, Sir Head was standing next to me as I came to my feet.

"Here," Sir Head said as he removed his pants, revealing a second nearly identical pair of pants beneath them.  "Wear these."

"Thanks," I said as I covered my shame.

"So I was thinking we just go watch a movie or something," Sir Headolence said.  "Then maybe grab a burger later."

"Yeah, that sounds cool."

We ended up watching Kick-Ass.  A couple of hours later, as we sat in Burger King, Sir Headolence approved audience for a supplicant.

"Please, Sir Headolence," the elderly woman pleaded.  "Please, bless my grandson that he may vanquish his enemies."

"And who, dear woman, are his enemies?" Sir Headolence asked.

"The cast of the hit TV show M*A*S*H."

"Of course, of course."  Sir Headolence placed his right hand over the woman's face.  "Go," he said.  "Go with my blessing."

The woman left with tears of joy in her eyes.

"Let's go mini-golfing next week," I said.

"No."