Thursday, May 20, 2010

Conniving Souls Scenes 1-3

Welcome to the first installment of a script I wrote a few years back while I was newlywed.  At the time, I had an inexplicable obsession with the initials C.S., as will momentarily become apparent.  In fact, I can think of four separate pieces I wrote that prominently featured a character named Chuck Stanton, none of which were any relation to each other.  This is one of those works.  Enjoy!

(It's a soap opera, by the way.)

Chuck Stanton (if I had ever actually filmed this, I would have played this role)
Cylash Saltlickington-Stanton
Connie Stellation
Crane Sextopoulos (this would have been Sir Head's role)

Scene 1

Crane and Cylash are in Crane’s bedroom.  Cylash is brushing her hair.

CRANE:  I don’t trust him!

CYLASH:  Who?  My husband?

CRANE:  Yes.  I bet he’s cheating on you.  All those high paid executives have a mistress.

CYLASH:  Chuck’s harmless. 

CRANE:  I wouldn’t be so sure.

CYLASH:  Why would Chuck cheat on me?  I mean, look at me!  How could he possibly hope to do better than me?

CRANE:  You don’t understand men like him.  They never have enough.  They always want more.

CYLASH:  shrugs.  So maybe he is having an affair.  Big deal.  I’m sleeping with you.

CRANE:  That’s different!


CRANE:  waves the question off impatiently.  There’s no time to explain that.  It’s not important.  But consider this: if we can prove that Chuck is cheating on you, you can divorce him and take a sizable chunk of his estate with you.

Cylash puts down her brush and pays more attention to Crane.

CYLASH:  How do we prove it?

CRANE:  We hire a private investigator to watch him and take pictures of anything suspicious.

CYLASH:  Yes.  Pauses, then smiles.  Yes!  Pauses agains, smiles bigger.  Yes!

Crane and Cylash both laugh wickedly.

Scene 2

Satan’s Special Blend Tobacco Company boardroom.  Chuck is in a meeting with Board Members 1, 2, and 3. 

BOARD MEMBER 1:  We have teenagers hooked.  That was no problem.  We’ve convinced them that the anti-smoking ads are uncool and the product of baby-boomers trying to make them conform.

BOARD MEMBER 2:  That’s great, but what do we do about all of our customers who are dead?  They aren’t buying our product anymore.

BOARD MEMBER 3:  Exactly.  Teenage smokers don’t fill the void left by the dead, dying, and quitters.  Shakes with rage.  I just hate quitters SO MUCH!

BOARD MEMBER 1:  We have to find a way to get kids to smoke younger.  I won’t be happy until I see 8-year-olds lighting up at recess!

CHUCK:  Now hold on a mi—

BOARD MEMBER 2: But how!  The government will never let us advertise directly to children.

CHUCK:  And for good rea—

BOARD MEMBER 1:  I’ve thought of that.  Displays a poster.  Let me introduce you to television’s newest Saturday morning cartoon: Captain Tobacco and the Cigarette Commandos!  It doesn’t actually advertise cigarettes, but it makes them appealing to young children.

BOARD MEMBER 2:  Brilliant!

CHUCK:  That’s going too far!

BOARD MEMBER 1:  It is brilliant, isn’t it?

BOARD MEMBER 3:  Hey!  I just thought up a new slogan: “Quitters never win.  Are you a quitter?”

BOARD MEMBER 2:  Brilliant!

BOARD MEMBER 1:  I’ve also been thinking that we should lace our cigarettes with heroin to make it harder to quit.

BOARD MEMBER 2: Brilliant!

Later.  Chuck is alone in his office.  He’s bored, so he eventually pulls out a Gameboy and starts playing it.

Scene 3

Connie’s office at the Orion Detective Agency.  Connie sits behind her desk with Cylash sitting across from her.  A bowl of carrots is on the desk.

CYLASH:  You’re a private investigator?

CONNIE:  blinks.  Yes, I am.

CYLASH:  You don’t look like one.

CONNIE:  That’s why I’m a good one.  No one suspects me.

CYLASH:  sounding doubtful.  Yes, well.  I’m sure.

CONNIE:  bristles, but keeps her temper.  What can I do for you Mrs. Saltlickington-Stanton?

CYLASH:  I think my husband is cheating on me, and I want you to get some proof.

CONNIE:  making notes.  What’s your husband’s name?

CYLASH:  Chuck Stanton.

CONNIE:  Where does he work?

CYLASH:  He’s the president of Satan’s Special Blend Tobacco.

CONNIE:  looks up from her notes.  How old is he?


CONNIE:  And he’s the president of a tobacco company?  How did he manage that?

CYLASH:  shrugs.  He already had the job when I met him.

CONNIE:  Do you have a picture of him?

Cylash hands Connie a picture of Chuck along with a piece of paper.

CYLASH:  Our home address and phone number is there, as well as my cell phone number.

CONNIE:  Thank you.  I’ll get right on this.

Cylash and Connie awkwardly shake hands.

More to come.  Stay tuned.
 Had it ever been shot, this would have been the cast Conniving Souls.  The main characters, anyway.

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