Monday, May 31, 2010

I Need a New Nemesis Now

Alliteration is for a-holes.

As you all know, Ian Fortey is dead.  I came out victorious in our eternal struggle that started a few weeks ago.  The best part of all is that I got Peter Weller to admit to killing him, so I'm off the hook.

Anyway, that's not the point of this entry.  The point of this entry is my need for a new nemesis.  Finding a nemesis isn't as easy as you probably think it is.  (Moron.)  In the case of Fortey, he personally insulted me and people like me.  Underjets, which he mistakenly referred to as underbites, are beautiful, bold, facial features.  Powerful, too.  I can chew through a steel bar as thick as my arm, which is why no prison has ever successfully confined me.

I digress.

I can't think of anyone who has personally insulted me lately, so I need a different method of selection a nemesis.  I considered that dog down the street that barks at me whenever I walk past him, but he's too dim-witted.  So I figured that I'd figure out something a little more dramatic:
Bam!  What's more dramatic than my arch-enemy being my best friend from junior high and high school.  That's right, Jake Heninger is my new nemesis.  (Or "Jay Keninger" as I sometimes like to call him.)  Know what's even better?  He's my cousin!  Bam!  Drama!  That idea alone would get the movie of my life story green-lit in Hollywood!

Now, besides the obvious reason of dramatic appeal, I need to concoct a real reason why he's my nemesis.  How about because he's a traitor?  Yeah, that'll work.
The fiend was born and raised in Canada.  True, it was smalltown Alberta, which is as close to American conservatism as you can get in Canada, but dammit, it's still Canada!  And what did he do just a handful of years after marrying an AMERICAN!?  Why, he moved to AMERICA!, that's what he did.  And he's been living in AMERICA! ever since.  Even lawyering for those dirty Californian's.  Why, I hear (from myself) that he's in league with Arnold Schwar...Schwartneg...Schwartnegra the Terminator himself!  The above picture was taken during his time living in AMERICA!.  Just look at the mocking in his face as he holds aloft the Canadian maple leaf, no doubt a mock gift from one of his AMERICAN! cohorts!

But you haven't even heard the worst of it.  BEHOLD:
Yes, you recognize this photo.  It's in the very sidebar of this very blog in an edited form.  This is at Sir Headolence's knighthood in 1967.  That's me on the right, Sir Headolence in the middle, and the dastardly Jake Heninger on the left!  Not only has Jake betrayed Canada; he has betrayed Sir Headolence the Dubious!  I know, I know, you all want to lynch him now.  But you must restrain yourselves.

He's mine.

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