Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"Oh! Look at me! I'm the Earth! I'm so pretty and diverse! You need me to live, but I'll kill you if you drive too many cars!" Geez, what a prick! So I took my offspring out into the wilderness over the long weekend. I have a new child, a she-child this time, and I need to get an early start instilling in her a deep hatred for nature. My heir and my second son are already on the road to being ecological terrorists (the kind of ecological terrorist who terrorizes the ecology, not the kind that blow up pipelines and hang harshly-worded banners in the Fort McMurray oilsands). I, myself, am a legend among environmentalists. I'm like Hitler to them. Maybe I'll shave the goatee and leave a Hitlerstache.
Things went well. There were victories on both sides, but I think I came out on top. We wasted no time in wreaking havoc on the forest once we got there. Within minutes, we were murdering fish.
second son, out of pure contempt for nature, was beating the surface of the lake with a rod, the lake reached out and hauled the youngling into its depths. Ready for such an attack, I was quick to pull the child out of the grasp of the water, suffering only a minor injury to my ring finger.
After teaching the lake its lesson, we turned our attention to the forest itself. We felled two trees, dismembered them, and cut the trunk to pieces. Not content with merely killing the sap-spewing sun-lovers, we cast their bodies into a pit of fire, a fire which I had created with my own two hands.